BF thinks we run a halfway house

[anneholl]

So... My boyfriend just dropped a bomb on me. He offered our home that we just moved into, to a female co worker of his. She is getting out of a bad relationship and needs a place to stay for upwards to a month (get on her feet etc).

I threw a fit (told him how uncomfortable I am with that situation), and he basically said I was a bitch and have no compassion. He was raised to help out friends in need etc etc.

I told him our home was not a halfway house and absolutely not. he stormed out of the house pouting.

The thing is... he has done this several times in the past(offering our house to a person to stay at without consulting me first). I happen to be a very private person and appreciate my sanctuary that is my home. I get so heated that he does this. Then, I end up looking like the bitch (hey, I'm comfortable with that). I just want to get through to him WHY this is unacceptable. he just doesn't get it.

this chick whom he wants to stay with us BTW, just got out of a relationship and I know from him directly telling me a few months ago, that she was wildly promiscuious when she broke it off with her prior man. Is it dumb of me to not want this bitch up in my house with my man??? Especially since I work out of town three nights a week and am gone. I mean WTF????!!!!!

Oh, they are just "friends", they work together , blah blah... How how can I be so insecure in our relationship? blah fuckin blah. I think it would be pretty dumb of me to allow this.

Then again, she has no family here, just moved here, just needs some time ya know. But... her family is in California which is pretty close. There is such a thing as craigslist and i'm sure she has options besides our place. She is a grown 30 year old woman, not some fresh off the boat, into adulthood , kid.

What do ya all think?

[indie]

No way. Be the bitch. He has to respect your boundaries. If my man pulled this more than once, I'd be moving out.

But then again I am a primo hard-ass. You know him better than we do, but I would not be cool with this AT ALL.

[Elvia]

As I see it, the real problem is that he feels he has a right to do this without consulting you. I would be livid. You have a right to be included in these decisions.

If you do bring it up, I wouldn't bring up anything that sounds like jealousy. Yes, it's reasonable to be concerned with him living with a single woman when you're not around, but I wouldn't bring it up. It'll just confuse the issue and get you into "don't you trust me" territory and throw the issue off track.

[wish]

Hell naw! I wouldn't let her in my house. And you said nothing about what else aside from your home and possibly your man you'll be expected to share. Exactly how far down on her luck is she? Will she pay rent ... Will you have to feed a grown ass woman? He's worried about her what about you? He didn't even ask you! I'm pist for you!

[kandie_kitten]

...this is just insane.

It doesn't matter to me that it's a woman or that she's promiscuous...the issue is that he did this withotu consulting you, and then writes off your (very valid) concerns. That's extremely disrespectful to you. He seems very concerned with the needs of his friends, but notsomuch about you.

[anneholl]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Yeah, I am pretty freakin livid. Funny thing is...(well don't know if I would describe it as funny), is that I made a very similar post regading the exact situation with him two years ago! I ran across it today and now I feel like a fool. We had it out today over this. A huuuuuuuuge fight ensued when I told him I just don't want another woman living here. It's not so much that I don't trust him...It's HER that i don't know much about other than she just got out of a bad marriage and fucks around alot. It sounds like the perfect setting for DRAMA. Something I just do not want for my life.

Plus, I am out of town at least a week every month dancing, sometimes two. Our relationship involves A LOT of trust, on both ends, but this living situation would make me extremely uncomfortable. Maybe it sounds selfish, but I want to be the only woman in this place.

Unfortunately, as Elvia warned, the issue did get a bit derailed. I brought up my insecurities involving this chick potentially setting her fuck sites on my man, while I am convenietly out of town. The it became "oh my god, you don't trust me" blah mutha fuckin blahhh. Well, maybe I don't trust him. Rather, I don't trust what I know may be tempting them both when they are together.

He drinks a lot socially, and this worries me as well. He comes home after a late night of drinking, horny as hell. There's that sexy "friend" of his, in the basement lounging in her sexy P.Js. One thing so easily leads to another and they are in the middle of a hot guilty fuck. Meanwhile, I am workin my ass off 6 nights a week, questioning my guy's fidelity, completely oblivious, as this shit is taking place in my own home. No.Way.

[Lemonz]

Wow... I can't believe he didn't even discuss it with you. I would take that as lack of respect for me on his part. Even if he had the best of intentions and was just trying to help, he didn't think about your feelings and how it may make you uncomfortable or upset. It isn't fair to you- you shouldn't have to be uncomfortable in your own home. I've had friends with similar situations and it almost always ends in drama, drama, and more drama. You have to put your foot down somewhere- you can't be too nice, or you get walked all over.

Furthermore, she's a grown woman and should be able to take care of herself by now. I've been in several bad relationships and situations, and have always been able to pull myself out of them on my own without the aid of anyone else- no help from family or friends, nothing. If I can do it as young as I am now, she should certainly be able to take care of herself by now at the age of 30. I'm not understanding the problem, really- does she need help for monetary reasons or just a place to stay? Either way, I wouldn't welcome her into my home. The best I could possibly do for her would be to help her look for a second job or for a new apartment on her own- that's more than enough if you feel guilty about not letting her stay in your home.

Hope this helps, and good luck...!

[*~Angel~*]

I would def take the time to help her look for a new place, as in like right now, before she ever steps a foot into your house. So you can tell your man that she can look into this place. Or heck, even stay in a motel till she has her own place. I would also feel exactly what you're feeling esp if i was away alot too.

He was talking about how sexual she is when she gets out of a relationship, and convienently she is just fresh out of a relationship and your man is wanting her to stay at your place knowing full well tht u are away alot.

Im not saying that you shouldnt trust him, because you should, but you should personally take some precautions. Like get one of those nanny cams or two to place around the house. Just in case you know. I mean its just to see if he can stay faithful, b/c he was telling you about how much of a sexualized women she is after a relationship, and that your man drinks. That could be a very bad combo.

But first off i would tell you to help her look for an apartment first and foremost. That should be your main thing in some of your freetime. She has a job, she's like in her thirties, why the hell cant she find her own place. Sorry, for my french. This has just got me mad but i would seriously find her a couple apartment options, or tell your man to tell her that she can stay in a motel till she can find a place.

Because you are gone most of the time, or at least a few days a week. I would be very conserned and you deserve to feel safe and content in your relationship.

[MarvelGirl]

My husband and I are swingers, and even I wouldn't stand for that for a second, if that puts it into perspective.

Another woman has no place in your home when you're away. I don't really care if someone thinks that's heartless or old fashioned thinking. That situation has broken up countless relationships and marriages, and it will continue to do so as long as people put themselves in such a shitty, tempting situation.

I think of it as leaving doughnuts all over a person's apartment when you know they're on a diet.

I think it's a power move. He already set you up to be upset by telling you directly that this woman is wildly promiscuous. Now he wants to see how far he can push you by moving her in, when anybody with some common sense can see that they will be fucking as soon as you're out the door. So what if they work together, that's a lame excuse, working together isn't the same as being related, co workers fuck all the time.

I guarantee this woman is getting off on putting you in this situation. She just got out of a relationship so in order to feel special, she wants you boyfriend to put her needs above yours. She's a bitch, and a manipulative cunt, I've run into these whores before. Stand your ground, and if she's more important to him then you are, kick the fucker out and let them be homeless together.

[BonsoirBella]

............

[Roma Mayhem]

Girl, this woman is GROWN and she doesn't have enough saved to get a damn studio apartment?!?!?! Hell, no! Don't let her in! OOoohh, I can smell it! She works with him, confides in him (obviously, since her bags are practically on your doorstep) and now wants to live with him! And HE has the balls to be mad at you?! I would need a Xanax just to keep from burning his shit on the lawn! Tell him if he wants to live with her--he can do it elsewhere.

[msincredible01]

I can't even believe the degree of insanity on his part I'm reading. You have every right to be pissed and not want her there. She's might be emotionally unstable (ending her relationship, pressure and stress of needing to find somewhere to live, ect) which could bring trouble to your doorstep. You don't know who she might bring over, her history, her ex's history and what he's capable of. If I were you, I'd tell the BF your concerned with safety above all else. Your both risking your safety, home, valuables and mental health PLUS the risk of cheating...it will really have strain on your relationship.

Even if she moved in and he checked in w/ u 24/7 it'd be hell being at work just thinking and imagining...wondering if somethings going on thus interfering with ur hustle. Don't let her in.

[Vodka Keeps Me Sane]

Wow!!! No freaking way!!!! You have EVERY RIGHT to be pissed off. He should have talked to you about this first before he just decided to offer up a place for her to stay. And if she were any kind of woman, she would have turned him down. If that were me, I wouldn't want to drag my baggage into someone else's home, especially if I don't even know the woman whose house I'd be staying at.

I'm sorry, but something seems off to me. If this isn't the first time this has happened, you need to figure out why he's putting the needs of others ahead of your own. And that whole, "you don't trust me!" crap just seems like a deflection off of the real problem, which is him not respecting your wishes or not talking to you first. He clearly knows he's in the wrong and doesn't want to admit it.

If this were me, his ass would be on the street right next to her.

Good luck and stand your ground. And if he can't respect you enough to put you first in this situation, then you don't need his drama either.

*hugs*

[alice_island]

i'll put it to you this way:
i had a room mate. we were friends. whenever someone even came over just to visit, the other roomie had to be ok with it. i ALWAYS asked before a guest set foot in our apartment. all my roomie had to do was say a simple 'no' and it didnt happen. that's just basic respect. so yeah, your bf is way out of line.

[babybambi08]

I would move.... bullshit he was raised to help people.. that is the worst line I have ever heard. please.. the bitch is 30 she has gf that she can move in with.. I would say if they arent fucking now, they are planning it!

My bf would never do this and he would be crazy to think he even could get away with thinking it.
you cant just make big decision like that by yourself.. its your house too!! It might be different if it was a guy but I still wouldnt like it then.. thinnk that girl will be taking a shower while your at work, having dinner with him probably.. she will spend more time with him than you do..

I would kick that bitch on the crub, maybe if she was kinda nice tell her where the nearest shelter is..

[dayna]

How would your boyfriend feel if the tables were turned and you invited a male worker into your home to stay and he wasn't happy about it? It's so unfair to invite someone to stay without even discussing it with you first. You are definately not a bitch, your boyfriend is being very selfish and you should come first. I hope that you sort things out.

[babybambi08]

give us an update on whats going on..

[carmen_b]

Use everyones advice ! Get her OUT ! You didn't mention she was sexy in your first post! You've heard that line about " never hire a sexy maid or nanny " right ? Well ..... hopefully your dude wouldn't find a woman without her shit together appealing .... but you never know.

I'm a borderline weirdo about who I let into my home because it IS a sanctuary from the outside world. Home to where to go to set everything OUTSIDE . You can't bring drama into your home.

I hope you fix this. Tell us you fixed it !

[noelle]

Wow. I would be so livid if I were you! What was the similar situation two years ago that you mentioned, and how was it resolved?

[Fenriswolf]

Dude. As others said, it's the lack of respect... ultimately whether it's "bitchy" or unfair or whatever, if having another (apparently promiscuous) woman alone with your partner one week out of four makes you uncomfortable that is your right and he has to respect that. Even more so on being a private person who wants your house to yourself!

I don't know how you're going to get this through to him but I would try approaching it like that - out of the heat of the moment, explaining that it's how you feel and rational or not it's about your comfort in your life, not trust or anything else. Using trust as leverage is not fair, or healthy.

[Gia2608]

This is kind of an old post but I'm a little curious as to how it turned out.

I used to be your boyfriend. When I was a kid I used to bring home evry stray animal I found, when I grew up it turned to people. Esp, Strippers. My current bf (who I was friends with first) used to call it my "Save a Hoe" program. I felt bad for every dancer that was down on her luck so I'd let her come stay with me. I ended up with drugs in the house, one fucked an old bf of mine another stole and yet another cranked up my AC. Lesson learned, unless it's my Mom or Sis they can go to the shelter!

[babybambi08]

sometimes you even have to turn away family if they are using drugs or just using you for too long.. I wish the girl would give us an update.. =/

[NREXM]

I think it's simply a conflict of interest. Neither of you are in the wrong and he is disrespectful for calling you a bitch. My boyfriend does the exact same thing in our household. Although it was never female friends that stayed with us, it was always male friends that were obnoxious, disrespectful, and people that I did not get along with. On top of that, they had ME pay for their share of the rent! I'd get so furious because I don't believe in caring for someone that doesn't give you the time of day. My boyfriend would get upset with me because I was not willing to help others.

We just recently kicked out our latest guest on the premise that he was using me and was very rude and disrespectful. I had a talk with my boyfriend about the situation and I came to the conclusion that his interest were not to disrespect my feelings and comfort but to follow his values and beliefs. Since ours are separate, we had to learn to compromise.

What your boyfriend could be doing better is explaining the situation to you prior to inviting her to stay. What you could do is reach a compromise (maybe she pays for some of your rent/food while she's getting back on her feet). Give her a limit of time in which she is allowed to stay. I'm sure there are details that you and your man can work out. You both need to communicate this. It's wrong to ignore his feelings but it is also wrong from him to ignore yours.

Best of luck