ok, I am sorry if I sound bitchy in the following post. I am not mad at anyone - only myself. This is a semi-rant, semi-pathetic beg. Here goes:
I am fucking DONE with diet and exercise. Whenever I try to eat healthier, I wind up eating WORSE. This may be bingeing, bingeing and purging, or starving myself. Lately, I had been attempting to eat SIMPLY in a HEALTHY manner. Not to loose weight, just healthier. This has lead to a weeks-long binge that has added 10 pounds to my fat ass, caused me to rethink going back to an eating disorder that I thought was PERMANENTLY in my past, and sent me into a shitty, funky depression that I had been overcoming.
Secondly, I FUCKING DESPISE ORGANIZED EXERCISE. And if there's one thing I learned in eating disorder treatment, it is to only do exercise you like. I enjoy dancing (haha, obvi) and simply walking around. I HATE jogging, pilates, and any other shit that will make me think *OMG EXERCISE* But I do the fun stuff that I actually DO enjoy (and sometimes even ACTUAL exercise like running and weight lifting) when I am out of this bingeing funk.
So, to summarise so far:
me + diet = no diet and no exercise
me + no diet = healthy eating and exercise
Now, say what you will about what I am about to say, but just know that you will not change my mind:
I KNOW my body. I've been living with this bitch for 20 years. I KNOW that in order to get out of this funk I'm in, I need to stop thinking about food. And I know the best way to do this is to lose this weight. But if I try to lose it on my own (with a diet), I'll just stay in this binge mode. See the vicious circle?
I want some diet pills. Preferably phentermine.
This has worked for me before. But I went to the doctor today and he told me that I was too healthy (BMI-wise) for the pills. I walked home and just started SOBBING. And now I'm starting to do it again. FML. But doesn't he understand!?!?!? WTF??!?!?!! I'm just like, "Fine, fuck you. I'll come back when I'm fat. Way to help, doc." He just told me to watch my diet even though I told him EVERYTHING I've just typed out. FUCK HIM. FUCK EVERYTHING.
My question is, where is a doctor in Sydney, AU who will prescribe me what I want? This is my last resort. I am done with everything else. I am sick of trying to explain this to idiot doctors who tell me I simply need to "watch my diet" or "exercise more" after I've told them everything I've just typed out.
Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading. I'm going to go cry then eat some chocolate, and prolly a ton of other shit that I don't need. FML




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