I need advice

[evilladybug]

well ive been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years and we have a 21 month old baby girl together. recently we had a big argurment an now he is acting like nothing went on. well for the past year it seems to be a routine to do things and how can i tell him i just want to on my own and be seperated from him. i was always the dumpee never the dumper. i not in love with him anymore. i never been independent and on my own before and i feel i should be. but i dont want to break his heart tho. but im also really mad at him for last month when i went out to a bar with my sister and frined came home kinda drunk and he took avantage of me and the next day didnt say anything but i didnt want to mention it casue i was in shock that he would do something like that too tho..what should i do?

sorry for it being kinda long.

[mediocrity]

Whoa ok.

Am I jumping to conclusions or are you saying he sexually assaulted you?

Could be me. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, its the damn codeine.

[verfolgung]

I noticed in your other posts that you don't normally use capital letters, but just reading your words one can clearly see how upset you are.

You've mentioned in some of your other posts how you've not been satisfied with various aspects of your relationship, so it certainly appears that this break up has been a long time coming. 7 1/2 years is a lot of history to share, and there is sure to be a lot of emotions. Not to mention having a daughter together. Wow. I understand you don't want to break his heart, but not likely to get any easier. There's hardley ever really a good time to end a relationship, so it's usually just better to get it over with.

Have you thought about your living arrangements going forward? Do you plan to leave him, or are you hoping that he will move out? It could certainly make things a bit more complicated if he resists the idea of leaving.

[evilladybug]

im trying to sell things and give some of my things away for free and hopefully live with my sister till i find a place to live. im going to leave him but dont know how to tell him tho. its going to affect my duaghter serenity tho but not too much as she only sees him in the afternoons tho. cause he works nites and sleeps half the day.

[Paris]

Just keep in mind that you've had a long time to work through your feelings on this and have probably already experienced some of the stages of grief that go along with the loss of a relationship. He is not emotionally preparing for this bomb shell, so don't try to break up with him when he is getting ready for work or something else important. Maybe have "the talk" on a Friday, so he has all weekend to compose himself before needing to face the world.

You also might warn his friends and family about what you plan on doing, so that they can be there for him. Maybe do it as an email announcement that you are moving and they can reach you at XYZ location for the foreseeable future. Don't get too personal in your announcement, people will call him to get details and check on him to make sure he's okay. Oh, and don't send the announcement until you've actually had the conversation. Just in case you change your mind suddenly.

Good luck, I hope you find some peace in this change.

[Suz1]

I was in a similar situation not too long ago. I dated my ex-boyfriend for 6 years, and the last 2 shouldn't have existed because I was totally detached. I put off the breakup for so long for the same reason as you...I didn't want to break his heart and hurt him so bad. But I had to consider my own feelings and sanity for that matter. It's going to suck, but it seems like you know what you need to do. Good luck!

[verfolgung]

... You also might warn his friends and family about what you plan on doing, so that they can be there for him. Maybe do it as an email announcement that you are moving and they can reach you at XYZ location for the foreseeable future. Don't get too personal in your announcement, people will call him to get details and check on him to make sure he's okay. Oh, and don't send the announcement until you've actually had the conversation. Just in case you change your mind suddenly. ...

I was thinking about something like this, and as I mulled it over, I'm not so sure it's the best idea. Perhaps if you know that he has one really good friend, you could inform that person they may be needed, but not say exactly why. Telling a bunch of people, especially right away might only aggrevate his grieving process. He may want some privacy to himself, and not want to tell a bunch of people until he's ready.

There can sometimes be feeings of embarrassment or failure in not being able to make a relationship work, and having that broadcast out might end up feeling like your piling on and further kicking him when he's down. I could certainly see a potential negative reaction to you being the one to break his heart, and then actively trying to fix it. ... It's not for certain, just a possibility.

Hopefully with all the time you've spent with him you'll be best guage if he's the type of person who would this or not.

[evilladybug]

well my ex sister in law was marriend to his brother and devoriced him and now his sister and family wont talk to her. i the type of girl that puts other feelings first and i need to stop that and think of me first. im going to write a letter to get my feelings out then have him read it then tell him whats going to happen? is that good idea?

[Brooke]

evilladybug -

How did he take advantage of you? Did he force you to have sex you didn't want when you were drunk.

This is a HUGE deal. Why have you not said anything to him about it? If you refuse to communicate with him, this relationship doesn't stand a chance anyhow.

Why would you choose to not talk to him about something like this? Or do I not understand what he did to anger you?

[evilladybug]

well i was drunk where i was heard him say something then passed out the woke up a little like to see him finsh. i wanted to ask him about it but i think he would lie about it.

[Kylea2]

I think what you've told us is plenty. Tell him that you felt like he took advantage of you. Then tell him that you've been thinking for awhile that you wanted to really learn how to be independent & and mature, and you can't do that when someone is always around. Just say that you need some time by yourself to really get to know who you are. That's that... if he tries to argue tell him you have told him EXACTLY what you need, and that he needs to be mature enough to respect it.

[verfolgung]

Does anyone else think that she should just move out one night? I guess it would depend on how badly you think his reaction would be.

I mean if this is truely over without any hope of reconciliation, why not just make plans to leave. After you are out, if he wants to talk and ask for an explaination then you can agree to meet him in a safe place and let him know why.

If things change you could always move back in.

[verfolgung]

well my ex sister in law was marriend to his brother and devoriced him and now his sister and family wont talk to her. i the type of girl that puts other feelings first and i need to stop that and think of me first. im going to write a letter to get my feelings out then have him read it then tell him whats going to happen? is that good idea?

A "Dear John" letter? Ouch.

If you need to have the letter in order to organize your thoughts, than it can be useful. So long as your there when he reads it, it won't come off as being as cold.

I still might think about moving out first, and then when you meet to talk about it you can present him the letter as the basis to start your conversation or not. It's up to you.

[Kylea2]

^^^ I agree - "Dear John" letters tend to come off in poor taste.

[noelle]

I was thinking about something like this, and as I mulled it over, I'm not so sure it's the best idea. Perhaps if you know that he has one really good friend, you could inform that person they may be needed, but not say exactly why. Telling a bunch of people, especially right away might only aggrevate his grieving process. He may want some privacy to himself, and not want to tell a bunch of people until he's ready.

I agree with this, it might be good to tell one of his close friends that you feel you can talk to (if such a person exists), but I wouldn't go emailing everybody because from what you've said I'm not certain how he'd react. I'm a private person and I know I'd be embarrassed beyond belief if my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years sent an announcement to my friends and family saying he was leaving me, even if it was just a few people.

When my ex-fiance and I broke up I did tell his closest friend to watch out for him, but that was more motivated by the fact that he was sending me text messages that lead me to believe he might seriously hurt himself. You know him better than us, so I think only you can really predict how he will react to you leaving him. Either way BE SAFE PLEASE!