Heart Broken

[wish]

My heart feels like it's literly been torn apart so I'll try my best to explain.
1st as a lot of my past post explain I have a hard time connecting with ppl. I have no feelings 1 way or another asking past sexual partners to lock the door behind them when they leave. Especially if they tell me they want me to be completely satisfied (basking in my after glow by myself makes me happy). Now maybe this isn't lady like but it's me.
2nd I've known this guy since we were 12 years old. I consider him a part of my family. (can you see where this is going) We may go months without speaking but we always come back to each other eventually (like I said family not best friends)

Okay so I've already had plenty of time to think this over and over and over long drive so if I'm over rationalizing just let me know(I do that sometimes). Anyway *Tony* has "loved" me since the day we met. Sometimes he reminds me that we were boyfriend/girlfriend for a day when we were 14 lol. We had never even kissed before. But I've always knew (been told) that he wanted to be with me. We've even spent the night together twice before okay true we were like 16 and I slept on the couch and he slept in the bed but still nothing happened. We've met each others families even extended family.

So this brings me to this weekend. Okay so I had a date today (Saturday) with another guy but this date lives 2 hours away and *Tony* lives about 20 mins away from him. So I had talked to *Tony* and just let him know I would be in the area and had plans to go out the next day with "some friends". He asked me to stop by and spend some time with him to catch up. (He has 2 roommates so when I got there I was confind to his room) He told me he was suppose to dj a party that night so I would be alone but just for a lil while because he would leave early to spend time with me. He left me his keys to the house so I could come and go when I wanted. I was gone about 2 hours walking around wal-mart and when I got back I had to wait for him for another hour so it was now close to 1 am. He came home and crawled in the bed with me (which isn't unusual). We did the usual watch movies and joke. Then he asked if he could hold me for a lil while.Okay cool. Then he started feeling, kissing and licking on me. He asked me if I was uncomfortable with him touching me and told me if I was he would stop. I pushed him away and told him it was a lil weird. He stopped and I joked that he was about to put me out because he looked pissed. He told me he wasn't mad and watched the movie. That was around 2am. Around 3:30am he did the same thing but stopped when asked. He then rolled over and went to sleep. While he was sleeping on his stomach I laid on his back and went to sleep. At 5am he sat straight up almost throughing me in the floor and laid on top of me grinding. He started licking on me and whispered in my ear that he could tell I was horny and that nothing would change between us if I gave in. Like a 12 year old girl I caved and had sex with him. We didn't use a condom and I think he might have came inside me. It felt good but only lasted 2 songs. He held me afterwards and told me how much he loved me and we would always be friends and nothing would change between us. I had to fight back tears. I actually love him just not romantically. I had trouble sleeping so I woke him up at 9 this morning and wtf. Idk maybe it was me but there was a lot of unsaid tention in the air. I asked him for something for breakfast and he said there was nothing in the apt to eat but went and made himself a bowl of cereal. I texted my date and he said he wouldn't be ready till noon. So I asked him if it was ok for me to stay until time for me to go or if he wanted me to leave. He said I could stay and got me some stuff to take a shower and tryied to make small talk but by 10:30am he went up the hall to played video games with his roommates. I took this as a sign to leave and as I walked out the door I said bye and glanced over my shoulder to see the responce. Not only did I not get a good bye, a let me walk you to your car or a go fuck yourself he didn't even look up.

I sat in the car for 5mins trying to hold back the tears. I didn't know how to fell except hurt and dumb. 13 years and not even a good bye. I'm usually not an emotional person but I couldn't stay with my date this afternoon. After the movie I left and told him I would call later. I remember being in the shower this morning trying to scrub the mistake I felt we made off. Maybe it wasn't our mistake. Maybe it was just mines. Maybe he never cared about me in the 1st place.

[knp001]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
It sounds like you felt very pressured, I don't think it was a mistake of yours at all.
It also sounds like he cares about you a lot. He was probably just cold because the whole experience was a little strange to him as well. Just give yourselves some time to think about it, to heal a little bit.
And remember that it may hurt now, but time always makes things better.

[verfolgung]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so upset.

Sounds as if there is alot of confusion in your relationship with each other. (I'd be less than honest if I didn't say I was confused by many aspects of your story as well.) It can be difficult when two friends are in different places in their understanding of how to be with each other.

.... He held me afterwards and told me how much he loved me and we would always be friends and nothing would change between us. .... Not only did I not get a good bye, a let me walk you to your car or a go fuck yourself he didn't even look up. ...

My initial thought as I read your story, was that it sounded like he was perhaps over compensating in an effort to demonstrate that you'd continue to be just "buddies" even after what happened.

Hopefully as time passes you'll be able to find a way to continue to be friends, if you so choose.

Take care.

[wish]

1st thank yall so much this situation was weighing heavy on my heart and your advice made a lot of sence and brought about some comfort.
For more clearity I talked to my head shrinker (theripist) about this (since I'm not ready to talk to *Tony* yet) and he said it sounds like *Tony* wanted to be more then friends and because I didn't return those feelings he got upset and was trying to get back at me. Because most females catch feelings after sex and we already had a bond he thought I would ask to be with him. This may have been more obvious to others but because I was on the inside of the situation I didn't see it. That BITCH!

[knp001]

oh, my dear, I just want to give you a big hug! a virtual one will have to do
I am glad you are talking about it, and be sure to keep us updated!

[wish]

Grrr... Why am I fixated on this? Ok I've been thinking some more and I knew he wanted me and he's a man with a male ego like all the rest so I don't know why I'm so shocked hell he told me (been telling me for years) that he wanted me. I could see it in the way he looked at me and hear it in his voice when we talked about other guys. He's a male just like the rest. God didn't put him here to be my personal comfort zone. So for the love of God why does this hurt so bad?

[verfolgung]

My sense is that that there have been some guys where you could just "love em, and leave em." This does not appear to be one of those cases.

[Phil-W]

Wish,

I'm afraid *Tony* was not a gentlemen (in the old fashioned sense of the word). I've got some close and platonic friendship with a couple of girls, and in one case I'd be happy if that changed to a relationship.

What I would never do is pressure my friend into sleeping with me. She knows its her call, and that even if she got drunk and a little silly, I'd never do anything we'd regret the next morning.

I don't think you did anything wrong in this situation - I think you've been on the wrong end of some emotional blackmail. If he wanted to change his relationship with you, he should have taken you out to dinner and talked to you about it - not pressured you into something you deep down didn't want.

Sorry....

Phil.