Boyfriend issue... another girl...

[kynetik]

I'm NOT a jealous and possessive person. Well I am, deep inside, but I hide it really well.

When I first got to Uni I was mates with this girl called Emma. We were quite close and went out sometimes and met up, she helped me through my first breakup and stuff - and we had a mutual friend (her housemate) called Rich.

Rich and I grew closer and closer... just really good mates. We had SO much in common. There wasn't a whole load of sexual tension between us - but I noticed that the more time I spent with Rich, the less time Emma and I spent together. She's INCREDIBLY possessive of his time.

Anyway, one night Rich and I ('finally') hooked up and we've been going pretty strong... Only... Emma HATES me now. Proper backstabbing, bitching, gossiping - trying to tear us apart. But her and Rich are REALLY good mates...

Examples:
1. Whenever she comes into the room and we're together she starts insisting her and Rich cook dinner (I'm never invited so have to leave) - this is like, even if we're having a cuddle and watching a film or something.
2. If she knows I'm with him, she'll start texting him and asking him to do stuff with her.
3. She won't speak to me anymore

SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. She even wrote an article for the Uni paper about how she felt 'betrayed' (and said 'what's she got that I haven't?' I read it like 'Woman... you want a LIST or what?' :p )

I've been trying to make a real effort with her, inviting her over, making copies of films she likes, shortbread, keeping the peace - because I don't want Rich to be in the position where he has to choose between us. It's not really fair on him. I even do things like let her borrow my bike so they can go out together. I'm REALLY COOL ABOUT IT.

Only... Because I don't make a fuss, he always picks her first. When he answers the phone to her when we're together (EVEN IN POST-COITAL BLISS) he won't tell her that he's with me...

So the other night I asked him about it, and he acknowledged that she didn't like me (she's told him, apparently...? I don't know why?) but didn't suggest any way around it. He blows me off all the time to spend time with her, though he said there was nothing going on and there wouldn't be etc. etc. etc. And I believe him too. He's just really indecisive about it, she makes a bigger fuss, so he spends more time with her...

...You ladies getting the picture?

So we were going to Amsterdam together to go to a festival, only a few things happened to both of us which meant we couldn't go. Now he's going to Holland anyway to see some Dutch friends - I found out that Emma's going to be there and he's meeting up with her but he won't tell me this.

I don't know why, since I don't make an issue out of it ever? Why's he seeing her without telling me - I'm SURE there's nothing going on and he's doing it to 'protect my feelings' only...

...It's driving me crazy cus I really like this guy, and I can't be dealing with this hate at close proximity. Jesus

Sorry ladies, needed to get it out. WTF. xxxxxxxxxx

[verfolgung]

Well, my initial reaction is that the bigger problem may not be with her, but with him.

Why is he not setting her strait that he is with you and she's just going to have to deal with it? Why is he constantly blowing you off for her? Why is he allowing her to force you to leave THEIR apartment? Why is he trying to hide the fact he's with you when she calls?

He knows how she feels about you, and yet it does not seem that he's doing much to change that.

I can understand him not wanting to create friction with a long time friend, but some of these things sound to be a bit much.

I don't understand how she could continue to hate on you if she truly valued his friendship and he told her that you make him happy, your good for him, and that he's with you.

Sorry, just my honest opinion.

[Kylea2]

I'd be ditching them both. You don't need to be loaning your stuff to her or playing nice. She's already decided that she doesn't like you, regardless of what you do. He on the other hand sounds like a schmuck for not being able to see what is going on, and long term you don't want to be with someone like that.

[kynetik]

Yeah. When I first bought it up as an 'issue' I genuinely hoped he hadn't noticed it... because... when he said 'yeah of course I notice it' I realised he hadn't and wasn't going to do anything about it.

*le sigh*

I think it'll take a better woman (or more needy, perhaps) to put up with it all. It's driving my (and his) friends crazy.

Um. I'm mad at them both. I can't blame her for fancying him - because I do...

Thanks for the great advice ladies! x

[rayna]

the situation is very flattering to his ego, i'm not surprised that he has done nothing to change it. As for the other chick, she has her own boyfriend and your bike for the weekend while you are left stressed about the whole thing! whether or not he is hooking up with her doesnt seem like the major issue here, to me it's more like the fact that you are not getting what you deserve out of the relationship. Maybe you should set your boundaries firmly with Rich and consider moving on if he is not willing to respect them.

[kynetik]

Rayna, good points.

He's got 2 girls chasing after him at the minute - but soon he'll only have the one that he doesn't actually want if he continues acting this way.

I like your 'setting the boundaries' - do you have any ideas about what I could say or do. I don't really want to limit their time together because a) I don't want to seem like the psycho and b) he does need time with his mates away from me...

[verfolgung]

... SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. She even wrote an article for the Uni paper about how she felt 'betrayed' (and said 'what's she got that I haven't?' I read it like 'Woman... you want a LIST or what?' :p )...

Has her boyfriend seen the article? If not, perhaps he should.

[hockeybobby]

kynetik: They are both treating you disrespectfully, and (it seems to me) you are responding by being ever more accomodating. At some point you will have to make your true feelings known if you want to salvage something with this dude.

[kynetik]

Alright.

As long as I'm not being SUPER PARANOID (kind of what this post is about.) all those things are true. At one point when I asked Rich about it he was like 'so your only problem...is that emma doesn't like you...?' I felt like slapping him

If I didn't think it was worth sticking out i'd have dumped him already, so I guess I'd better make it CLEAR to him how I feel about it. I'm not seeing him again until the end of April (because he's going off to Amsterdam with her isn't he...?) so after that if he hasn't spoken to her about it I'm going to speak to him.

Then I'm going to speak to her.

She's DELIBERATELY putting him in this position - I'm going to ask her WHY she's hating on me. Doesn't she want him to be happy? Why is she putting this strain on our relationship. Does she want us to break up?

Just come out with it all. Because you ladies are right, I'm the only one suffering here.

If it's going to end - I'm going to end it because. of. her. And I'm going to make sure he knows that she's going to do the same effin thing with any other girlfriend he gets. So he'd better pick 'em good xxxxxx

[fluffypenguin]

Doesn't sound like your his girlfriend at all, however Emma does. Are you sure her boyfriend isn't his scum (oops boyfriend) that you hook up with and he denies your being with him whenever she calls?
I dunno, but to me it sounds like those two have a relationship and you are just being used for a joke by the two of them. Unless you enjoy being treated like a mat I'd be seriously thinking of getting both if these people out of your life. Friends don't treat their friends like that at all.

[princessjas]

Alright.

As long as I'm not being SUPER PARANOID (kind of what this post is about.) all those things are true. At one point when I asked Rich about it he was like 'so your only problem...is that emma doesn't like you...?' I felt like slapping him

If I didn't think it was worth sticking out i'd have dumped him already, so I guess I'd better make it CLEAR to him how I feel about it. I'm not seeing him again until the end of April (because he's going off to Amsterdam with her isn't he...?) so after that if he hasn't spoken to her about it I'm going to speak to him.

Then I'm going to speak to her.

She's DELIBERATELY putting him in this position - I'm going to ask her WHY she's hating on me. Doesn't she want him to be happy? Why is she putting this strain on our relationship. Does she want us to break up?

Just come out with it all. Because you ladies are right, I'm the only one suffering here.

If it's going to end - I'm going to end it because. of. her. And I'm going to make sure he knows that she's going to do the same effin thing with any other girlfriend he gets. So he'd better pick 'em good xxxxxx

You are in no way being paranoid. Hell, the least jealous person on the planet would be freaking out.

She is obviously a threat to your relationship and your position in your bf's life. Of course that is going to trigger some jealousy. Your bf isn't doing anything to help make you feel secure about your position in his life, and that is really shitty.

[glambman]

If he is choosing her (a rommate) over you, you are not his g/f. You will always be second fiddle, and you are. Quit calling him, quit going over to see him. Just quit him already.

[GoLightly]

He doesn't respect you.

If I were you, I would be enraged and driven to leave just out of your own self-respect. If you stay with him, he knows he can walk all over you and then walk over to Emma.

I was in a similar situation except the disrespect was covered in (extremely calculated) lies. If he dared answering to another woman above me I would be ghost in 2.5 seconds.

Good luck and remember YOU DESERVE THE BEST

[Golden_Rule]

I'm not saying there haven't been some very good points made here but...

Anyone think it just might be possible that the boy in the middle real issue is that the "friend" is his roommate?

If the flat is in her name maybe it is as simple as she doesn't want to offend her because he doesn't want to be put out on the street as he has no better place to go.

Just a thought.

[GoLightly]

I'm not saying there haven't been some very good points made here but...

Anyone think it just might be possible that the boy in the middle real issue is that the "friend" is his roommate?

If the flat is in her name maybe it is as simple as she doesn't want to offend her because he doesn't want to be put out on the street as he has no better place to go.

Just a thought.

That could be true. Is the apt in her name? But, why wouldn't he just be upfront with her about it? Instead, he looks like a little bitch doing whatever this girl wants when in reality he could say "You know, the apt is in Emmas name and I feel obligated to keep her happy so she doesn't kick me out"

Men...........

[glambman]

C'mon GR, ~if~ he were to be kicked out, what officer would enforce it (if he refused to go )with no eviction order from the court. If he fought it, he could drag it out a ways.

[Golden_Rule]

C'mon GR, ~if~ he were to be kicked out, what officer would enforce it (if he refused to go )with no eviction order from the court. If he fought it, he could drag it out a ways.

That would totally depend on where it was. I know of places where the cops still do things old school and would simply ask whose name was on the lease. The other party would get punted to the curb.

Its still the 50's in a lot of places. Folks in big cities get rude awakenings when dealing with police in places like that, thinking it works the same way as where they live.

[echomadison]

Me thinks she isnt in the US either... different set o' rules

[kynetik]

I'm in the UK guys. Plus - it's University accomodation - although he's living with her out of Uni next year.

Yeah, I guess he doesn't want to make things awkward because he's living with her... But it's no excuse to be enabling her - and doing things like not telling her he's with me. He shouldn't have to 'answer' to her.

Anyway, if he doesn't buck up his ideas he's going out the window. Since I've been dancing my self-esteem's not low enough to put up with being messed around... Which... Is a great thing

Thanks for all the helpful advice guys xxxxxxxxxxxx

[hockeybobby]

Good girl. Kick him to the curb if he keeps treating you like that.