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Thread: Sex: Really? This is it?

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    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
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    Default Sex: Really? This is it?

    All right ladies...I need your help. For real. Sorry if this is long--I tried to make it brief.

    As some of you may know, I began having sex at the beginning of this year. I wasn't really expecting it to be great (although I'm deeply in love with my SO). I figured I'd get the first time over with, and move on from there.

    Problem? Things haven't really gotten better.

    I'm really struggling between wanting to just give up on it all (I'm the kind of personality where if I don't excel at something, I don't want to do it at all), and wanting to keep trying new things in hope that it'll improve. I'm becoming a clock-watcher during sex...which is terrible. I love making my SO feel good, but I feel so left out because it isn't good for me.

    The biggest frustration is that I'm highly orgasmic when I'm on my own. I get off easily, quickly, and as many times as I want. So how is it possible that sex is such a disappointment?

    I'm very analytical...so I suspect I may be having problems staying 'in the moment.' But I don't know how to solve this! Furthermore, I really don't like receiving oral sex (it's painful at worst and tolerable at best), and intercourse is sometimes painful and very rarely feels 'good'.

    Do you ladies have any advice for me? Even random, weird sex tips will be appreciated (like 'try tipping your hips and pointing your toes' etc.).

    I'm feeling completely frustrated and cynical about sex...having heard from a young age that it was the epitome of adult activities. I would appreciate ANY and ALL help! Teach me, ye goddesses of sex!

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Oh honey. I can't even tell you how sad your post makes me.

    I LOVE sex. But when I first started, with a clueless boyfried, I remember thinking "Is this it?" But I found a few tips, and with a guy who was knowledgable, the nympho I truly am was unleashed! And now I orgasm every damned time I have sex.

    Number one: Oral sex should NEVER be painful. If it is, he's doing it wrong.

    Two: Sex also should not be painful, and it sounds to me, from your "clock-watching", to your discomfort, you aren't quite ready for sex when he starts (I don't mean mentally, it sounds like you aren't getting worked up enough before penetration, which can make sex very uncomfortable/painful/or boring).

    Make sure there is plenty of foreplay for you. And even after you are good and turned on, if you're not wet enough, grab some lube. It seriously is so helpful, and helps take away all that discomfort or pain.

    One of the main problems women have with sex is that they somehow are expected to come from plain old penetration, like girls in porn do. And guys love to just ram you, which just won't cut it to get you off. You need to get in positions so your clit is stimulated simultaneously.

    I couldn't get off ever, until I started playing around with positions. When I'm on top, I feel nothing bouncing around like you see in porn or magazines or whatever. But if I'm top, and lay forward so we're chest to chest, and sort of grind up and down on him, that gets me off in 2 minutes or less, because my clit is being rubbed by the contact.

    If different positions don't work, you can also incorporate a vibrator, or have him rub your clit while fucking, etc.

    Most importantly, you need to talk to him so you can work through this together.

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    How long have you two been having sex? It can hurt at first, sometimes a lot. So is part of the reason that you aren't enjoying it because you are in any sort of pain? If that is a problem there could be many different reasons why from not being able to relax to internal organs being screwed up - or him just being too big.

    Second, I think for most women if we are left to our own demise with someone else we would probably never climax. It's not easy on your own all the time, let alone when you are with another person who can't feel what you are feeling.

    Most people find that their sex lives become much better when two things happen. First, you may need to find yourself a fantasy - think about what it is that you REALLY enjoy and keep thinking about that one thing. I could be him climaxing, it could be the way he touches you, maybe an encounter that you two had. Don't feel ashamed to not be "totally in the moment" just because you are thinking about something else. Just try not to think about things that aren't related to sex. Second, you might want to help add to the pleasure so to speak. You can use a vibrator when he's down there, touch yourself, or tell him not to move and let you do the work. Most guys love all three of those things and won't complain.

    Finally, there is nothing wrong with self pleasure either. If you want to do that for awhile, do it! Then when you are done work on helping him. Many guys also like to watch and as women we sometimes forget that.

    Try some of those and report back. There are all sorts of different "marital aids" that you can use to help make the experience more enjoyable.
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Already some very helpful and encouraging feedback.

    -We always use lube, but he's definitely big (a thick 7"...which looks good, but is painful since I'm very tight--sorry TMI). So that's probably part of it.
    -Since I don't like oral, I don't really know how to get worked up for sex. Maybe masturbation pre-sex?

    Also, we haven't tried any new positions yet. That may sound lame, but I'm afraid that me-on-top will just exacerbate any pain I already feel.

    I've heard that some women just don't like oral. And despite the fact that every woman is different, do y'all have any advice for how to make that feel better too?

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    hi charlie, i dont have any tips that have not been mentioned already... just saying i understand your situation, i've been a "clock watcher" for years, found myself watching tv over his shoulder, wincing in pain, thinking about how much i want to try the new dior perfume or cursing myself for forgetting to but milk etc. etc.

    I lost my virginity when i was 15 and it was pretty much a non-event... since then i have enjoyed sex a few times but aside from that i mainly did it to make my SO feel great, it made me feel desired and i enjoyed the intimate contact with him although it was not the orgasmic experience my friends describe.

    i really hope this post does not depress you, because although i have yet to cum from intercourse with a man or even enjoy it in the same way other people do, many other girls i know started out feeling like sex was a huge disappointment only to find someone who could really get them off and then stay locked in their apartment with him for days on end, lol.

    as for the oral, personally i love it but have met one or two girls who dont. my only unpleasant oral experiences were when the guy was being too rough and doing it too fast... he's got to build sexual tension before, like kissing your inner thighs, telling you how good you smell etc. etc.

    oh and one more thing... i totally feel ya on getting off easily by yourself!! it's almost scary how many orgasms i can have in a row masturbating compare to my complete lack of orgasms during intercourse

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Consider the fact that you may not be with someone that is sexual combaltile with you, I think that sexual compatability is very important in any long term relationship, if your partner is not willing to experiment or comply with your needs, maybe your limiting yourself and should look elsewhere or havent met your match yet?

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    I'm going to say that it isn't you, it is your partner. If you are able to enjoy solo sex then the problem isn't yours. Like someone else ^^ I lost my virginity @ 15. Was with the guy for a total of four years. Thought that I was one of those women that just didn't really like sex. We did it, but only because I was in a loving relationship and felt like I should.

    Fast forward another year, and a new boyfriend. New techniques, new mmmm . It really make ALL the difference. You can be compatible with someone on every level, including physically, and still not be compatible sexually.

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    Senior Member moxilicious's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    sometimes, what helps me is telling him what i want!
    be kind of vocal,
    men love it when you tell them what you like
    maybe you can watch porn together or something to get you in the mood..

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    -Since I don't like oral, I don't really know how to get worked up for sex. Maybe masturbation pre-sex?
    Experiment: talking dirty to each other, Let him use your toys on you, mutual masturbation.

    As for oral, are you too sensitive to it? Sometimes that can make it painful. Ask him to try concentrating on your clit. You can also use stimulants and numbing creams. X-Scream is a really good brand. You can get it from different places and the buttercream frosting is really good.

    http://pureromance.com/EC_ProductVie...ryID=8&pid=857

    Oh, you can also use regular frosting, fruits and edible body paints.

    If he's just overly big in terms of girth I don't have a whole lot of advice for you. As a really small girl down there I know how painful that can be.

    As mentioned above, you can also try watching porn too. Some of it is hard to take serious, but even at that it normally gets things started.
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kylea2 View Post
    Experiment: talking dirty to each other, Let him use your toys on you, mutual masturbation.

    As for oral, are you too sensitive to it? Sometimes that can make it painful. Ask him to try concentrating on your clit. You can also use stimulants and numbing creams. X-Scream is a really good brand. You can get it from different places and the buttercream frosting is really good.



    Oh, you can also use regular frosting, fruits and edible body paints.

    If he's just overly big in terms of girth I don't have a whole lot of advice for you. As a really small girl down there I know how painful that can be.

    As mentioned above, you can also try watching porn too. Some of it is hard to take serious, but even at that it normally gets things started.
    Not on the bajingo! Breeds yeast from the sugar. Trust me on this one.

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    God/dess Kylea2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    ^^^^ Maybe if you are getting it inside you - I don't do that though and I've NEVER had problems. You should always "clean up" after anyhow.


    "Banjingo"? You make me giggle!
    Last edited by Kylea2; 04-04-2009 at 09:53 PM.
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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Couple of quick thoughts....

    - Perhaps he doesn't know what he's doing. You mentioned that you just started having sex, but how long has he been having sex? Has he been in other long-term relationship before you? He may just be taking his keys from the wrong places, and may need guidence himself. Also, even if he was with another woman before, he may still need to learn about you and what gets you off.

    - Communication is the key. Since you say that you're not getting off now, I can only assume that you're "faking it". Keep in mind, that while you are protecting his ego, you are also reinforcing the things that you're not enjoying. Hopefully you will learn to guide him with positive and negative reinforcement.

    - My first GF and I went through all of the awkward moments of loosing our virginity to each other. I admit I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and unfortunately, she didn't know herself well enough yet to express how we should fix it. The important thing was that we loved and cared each other enough to learn what worked for both of us. What I will say is that missionary did nothing for either of us.

    - DEFINITELY work with different positions, and especially different angles. Some women are more stimulated from their clitoris externally, while others prefer to be stimulated inside vaginally. (The lucky ones are stimulated in both ways. heh.) Depending on your preference, if you prefer external stimulation, than you might need to be in a position where he pelvic bone is in contact with your clit, while he's inside you (of course if this is done incorrectly, the contact with his pelvic bone could also cause pain). ... You mentioned that you worry that being on top might be more painful. Although being on top may allow you to control pace, depth, points of contact and angle. ... My ex-gf and I used to use tons of positions, but mostly just to be playful. In many positions sex was about just being close and feeling good with each other, while there were a few select positions that would get her off.

    - In addition to positions, have you tried different sexual aides like pillows? Perhaps putting a pillow under your hips or tummy might help provide a more pleasurable angle and reduce pain.

    - You might want to intitate a session where you take control. Make it playful and have him submit to you while you use him to figure out what works.

    - You may have other things that stimulate you that he doesn't even know about. For example, some people react very well to a soft gentle touch, while others prefer things rough. I knew one girl who liked to bite and scratch (damn!). What are the things that work for you in addition to the intercourse?

    - While I agree that there is nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself, you may want to take a break. You may be too used to what you do to get yourself off, and it's making your body less receptive to other forms of stimulation. Same kind of thing can happen to men to maturbate too much and get used to the feel of their own grip thus reducing sensitivity to their partner. If you take a break, than perhaps your body will need a release so badly that it will have no choice than to react to sexual stimulation.


    Best of luck!
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kylea2 View Post
    ^^^^ Maybe if you are getting it inside you - I don't do that though and I've NEVER had problems.


    "Banjingo"? You make me giggle!
    lol... it took me a while to understand what a bajingo is. i was thinking, huh, why would she put fruits and frosting on a banjo anyways?

    i have used honey a few times and never had a yeast infection... maybe because it has antibiotic properties?

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    Not on the bajingo! Breeds yeast from the sugar. Trust me on this one.
    Wow, I never would have considered that. Good thing I'm lactose-intolerant and therefore never tried bringing dairy products into the bedroom....

    I don't like oral. Period. It's not even that I don't like the way it stimulates my clit, it's that I can't stand the slimy texture and the thought of a slimy tongue touching my clit. I just tell guys it's fingers or nothing--they usually don't complain, but you really have to train them--this stands for oral, too. If your man is not willing to listen to what you like, tell him that he might as well not do it at all.

    Some men get defensive when you tell them that what they're doing isn't working for you. I've had so many guys tell me, "but all the OTHER girls I've been with liked it!" as if it must be my fault I'm in pain and I'M the one who should change. "I don't care if they liked something different than me, hell, I don't care if THEY LIED TO YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN. I don't like it like that.... but this is what I do like." (Only the first part of that is a direct me-quote, I'm not cruel.)

    The one thing that helped as far as regular sex goes with me, because I was bored out of my mind first, is to put yourself in an enjoyable state, mentally and physically. I concentrated on our body heat more, I listened to his breathe, I pulled him against me to feel his body weight--basically, faked it 'til I made it. I told myself I was having a good time until I acted like I was having a good time, and suddenly I WAS having a good time.

    Damn, I'll stop now. ^^That's a lot of text. Good luck, babe!

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    Already some very helpful and encouraging feedback.

    -We always use lube, but he's definitely big (a thick 7"...which looks good, but is painful since I'm very tight--sorry TMI). So that's probably part of it.
    -Since I don't like oral, I don't really know how to get worked up for sex. Maybe masturbation pre-sex?

    Also, we haven't tried any new positions yet. That may sound lame, but I'm afraid that me-on-top will just exacerbate any pain I already feel.

    I've heard that some women just don't like oral. And despite the fact that every woman is different, do y'all have any advice for how to make that feel better too?

    There is more to foreplay than just oral! Play around and see what you like. For me, my boyfriend could go down on me all day, but nothing gets me going like when he plays with my breasts.

    As for improving actual oral, that depends on what he does. Some guys nibble, some guys lap like a dog (ew). What works best for me is just to tell him to just kiss lightly over the clit, with the occasional flick of the tongue. Try different things until it feels good for you.

    Definitely try fingering before sex too, using a lot of lube. If he goes slow and easy, it will help "prepare" you to be able to handle his dick better, with less pain.

    As for the on the top thing, if you try to sit straight up, then yes, that will exacerbate the pain. But try what I recommended above, where you lean completely forward. It's very shallow penetration that way (which works for women, since that is where most of our nerve endings are), and also, you're completely in control in how much of him you take in then.

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    Veteran Member Nina77's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    You've already received a lot of great info.
    Just wanted to share that I lost my virginity to my ex-husband and I NEVER enjoyed sex- and it really bummed me out cause I, like you, was highly orgasmic with myself and was a very sexual person.. but the actual sex act, blah. I never orgasmed. Well, long story short- when I had sex with someone else, it was like a whole new world LOL. And then a few other people- some good, some not so good.. its all about chemistry. The man I'm with now- who I'm marrying next month (woot!), the sex is amazing- I am SO happy!
    So, not saying that you'll never enjoy it with your man- I really hope you find what works for you and you aren't in the dilemma I was once in. Good luck girlie! :

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    I don't like oral sex either. I have had around 15 different partners and I just don't like it. Ever. So..me and my hubby have devised a lovely way to get me worked up. I love giving oral so he lays on his side so I can scoot down and go down on him while I use my vibe. LOVE! We are talking about getting a pretty glass dildo for him to use on me while I do this because I do have more intense orgasms with some girth inside me and I think glass would work better for me because it's so smooth. I'm also terribly tight and I never seem to "loosen up" like most people think I should. >_< My gynos first word during my first exam? "wow" LOL

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    hm... i actually LOVE LOVE LOVE oral...atleast when my current boyfriend does it. because it shows him focusing on my needs, my pleasure. thats why i also enjoy giving him oral, to show i too care about his needs....with that said.....(embarasment on this next Q) HAS ANYONE NOT EVER EVER EVER HAD AN ORGASM???? i feel liek my body is messed up or something. i mean i enjoy it...believe me i enjoy sex and when i use my vibrator...but its lek once i get close i feel my feet go numb and i freak then i stop. even my own moher said oh my god get over it and just do it....how dumb would that make u feel hahah?

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Maybe its just your SO, but you said you loved him, so I mean you two are connecting. Is it so terrible that you dont want to do it at all? Maybe you could try out some new postions, or yeah oral works on most girls to make it feel better. I know someone who is not really into oral as much as she is with penetration. Maybe its the opposite for you. Some girls like certain things better. You should try all sort of things, till you can find something that works for you two.

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    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Thank you all for the helpful hints!!

    And no, verfulgung, I definitely do NOT fake it! Part of the problem in my relationship is that my SO just got out of a 15 year marriage...so he's been with the same woman for most of his adult life. And obviously I was a virgin, so I had no idea what worked for me and whatnot. But I've been very (painfully) honest about the fact that sex isn't good for me so far. He and I are both frustrated, since he feels guilty that it's so enjoyable (earth-shatteringly so) for him.

    Keep the advice coming by all means! I'm reading and noting down everyone's advice. VERY helpful!!! Even the words of encouragement and empathy are helpful. Knowing other people out there have gone through my same problem is comforting.

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    ... And no, verfulgung, I definitely do NOT fake it! ...

    Oops. Apparently I made the wrong assumption. I hope I didn't offend you in any way.

    I can certainly empathise with his frustration though. It was a bit of a revelation to learn how different the needs were of the first partner I had after coming out of a 6 year relationship. It certainly did have the feeling of almost starting over.

    It's good to hear that you are openly communicating with each other, and that he is open to working on things to make it good for you too. Hopefully it will just be a matter of time and some expiramentation.

    Best of luck!
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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Masturbation works well for you solo, so maybe you could inject some mutual and self masturbation into your play. There is definitely nothing wrong with you playing with yourself during intercourse either manually or with a vibe.

    Try some role playing, or some kinky stuff...bondage, spanking. What do you imagine when you masturbate? Find a way to bring that into your play. And play is the operative word. Sex should be fun. For me the foreplay is more important than intercourse. My mind has to be turned on.

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    As far as the oral sex... try showing your partner how you masturbate (verbally and/or visually) and help him mimic the sensations that feel good and bring you to orgasm. I did this with a partner that had great oral techniques but they didn't work on me as well as the style I use on myself. My mission was successful and he was giving me daily oral orgasms in no time!

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    Quote Originally Posted by verfolgung View Post
    Oops. Apparently I made the wrong assumption. I hope I didn't offend you in any way.

    I can certainly empathise with his frustration though. It was a bit of a revelation to learn how different the needs were of the first partner I had after coming out of a 6 year relationship. It certainly did have the feeling of almost starting over.

    It's good to hear that you are openly communicating with each other, and that he is open to working on things to make it good for you too. Hopefully it will just be a matter of time and some expiramentation.

    Best of luck!
    No worries at all. And I find your advice and experience very helpful. I think he's definitely having some problems getting out of a long-term relationship and finding that I like verrrry different things.

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    Default Re: Sex: Really? This is it?

    I read the other day that masturbating too much can accustom you to getting off in a certain way. So when you have you don't like it because you just want your own technique/touch.

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