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Thread: How should I handle this?

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    God/dess Pretty_Penny's Avatar
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    Default How should I handle this?

    In about 3 weeks, my boyfriend's mother is coming down from CT to visit. She will be staying with us for a week. We've been together 6 years now and she knows I quit teaching to go back to school. She -thinks- I've been substituting for the last 4 years and has no idea I'm stripping. I'm taking the summer off from school, so I"m working nearly every weekday right now. I don't really see a way of "hiding it" from her while she's here. I mean, I leave with bags of clothes and shoes, with my make-up and hair all done. Not to mention the hours I leave don't exactly say I'm teaching summer school. At this point, I've decided telling her is the best option. So, I'm not really asking if I should or not. What I want to know is "how" the fuck do I go about doing that? I mean, we've always gotten along and she's pretty open minded, but still... you can NEVER tell how people will react or what their misconceptions are. I'm debating having my boyfriend tell her on the day he picks her up (he's taking the day off, I'll be at work). Is that a cop-out or do you think it's acceptable to have him do it? I think my biggest worry is that she will tell his father. They are divorced and his father lives close, so we see him much more often. His father tends to rant about strippers on occasion. Like, he will say things about his siblings needing to raise his niece better lest she "end up dancing on a pole" with "no respect for herself". Shit like that. I don't need for him to start giving me "talks" about it. Maybe I should ask her not to say anything? Or does that make me sound "guilty" of something? ....... FEH! "inlaws"

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    Featured Member *Jade*Love's Avatar
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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    Oooooh! That's a difficult situation. If you can afford to, maybe take a couple days off and cut it down to 3 or 4 shifts that week that she's going to be there.

    I lived with my grandparents for a short while while I was dancing.. and this sounds awful but I just told them I was a cocktail waitress at a nightclub and that's why I would leave for work at 9 and come home around 3. They never suspected a thing. I just told them I have an all black uniform that they keep there for me and I get dressed at work. (Then just keep your shoes in the trunk of your car and be sly about carrying your dance bag out).

    It might sound like too much trouble, but what reason does she have not to believe it?

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    Maybe tell her your a waitress that wears a skimpy uniform or just say screw it and tell her. Dancing doesn't define who you are, it's just what you do to make a living. Your bf mom only concern should be her son's happiness

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    I think a lot of her reaction will depend on her relationship with you and your place in the 'family'. I think your BF should be the one to tell her since she is his mother but the 'rules' IMO would vary from family to family. I always decide by thinking who would share the news of pregnancy.

    In regards to your BF's dad I think if someone asked her to keep the whole thing quiet most likely she would because she would know how he is. Just make sure its a calm, rational request that doesn't point fingers or make him out to be bad guy.

    Also, when I've shared with people who really matter I always give them plenty of room to think and deal with it. I never overly concern myself with their first gut reaction because we've all blurted out something stupid that doesn't really match how we feel. Some people just have a knee jerk response but really are fine with it.

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    well not sure about telling her, that depends on the situation, that is just your feelins towards here and more. anyways, with the bags you can take your makeup off or some of it to make it look like you could have been teaching, the bags can be explained by saying you went to the gym everyday after work.

    take the bags to your room so she wont look in them. if she asks questions about anything else just act as if your teaching, tell stories about it, make some up if needed, since you have done it before it wont be an issue. but the bags can be explained by the gym, and if you dont have a gym membership and she knows you dont, say taht you have a friend that is getting you a guest pass to try it and you really like taking the boxing or whatever classes you think you might actually like.

    you could even say you are taking pole dancing classes at a local dance studio becuase you heard its a great way to get in shape. so you go to the gym and then take a class. (this is if you think she would approve), this explains the bags and heels if she sees them. and you can say that its fun to wear something cute to the class or you have to becuase its easier to do pole tricks when you are just starting so you can grip the poe better with your legs. that way you have most of it covered if questtions are asked. i dont know just a couple ideas. i understand javing to hide that stuff.
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    Veteran Member chitownchick's Avatar
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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    oh and if you work nights you can say that the pole dancing classes are at night, like 9pm so you sometimes go the gym early and then go to the class right after or you can say you had dinner with friends after work, im not sure if you could say you took on another temp job as a customer service rep or something and you work till whatever hours at night you work
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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    ^^^^ agreed. i've found that people who would be on the fence about your position will usually fall negative once they find out you've been "lying" to them. either being upset about lying is a subconscious outlet for the fact they really dont want to like a stripper, or they are the kind of person who thinks only total honesty is acceptable all the time. either way, sounds like too much trouble to me. what's so hard about hair and makeup at work and cutting shifts?

    but regardless, if you do decide to tell her, you should BOTH be present. if you aren't, that gives mom a chance to rag on you sans your presence, or even just pose some questions your husband couldn't handle-- and if it's just you, you might not achieve the buffer of good graces that her son might instill in her.
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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    i can't exactly afford to cut shifts right now. also, even if i do my make up at work i'm still coming home with more on than i left with.. which would be sort of odd don't you think? if i skipped work, wouldn't that also be weird? maybe she would think i was jobless.

    like i said in my original post, i'm pretty sure i'm going to tell her. it's the how i'm concerned about. i really didn't expect to get so many "no, don't tell her" responses.

    GI Barbie: you're probably right about her not telling his dad if i ask (i hope). i mean, she's been divorced from him for almost 10 years and she knows how he can be.

    honestly, i don't think she will freak out in an angry yelling way or anything like that. my real concern is more than she will -secretly- think it makes me not good enough for her son. or that she will wonder if i do (fill in the blank) for money. i know no matter what she thinks, his opinion of me isn't going to change. so, im not worried about that. i just like her and i don't want to fuck with her perception of me.

    then again, for all i know she could be like "that's awesome!" i can't really predict her response.

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    I don't know if I'd tell her. Can't you just work dayshifts ( leave the house at the painful hour of 9a.m. or so( and hang out in a coffee shop for a couple hours ) ? You could work from 11-4 p.m. or so ( short days ... I know ) and just keep your dancer bag in the trunk. Just do your makeup normal and add more when you get to the club. I don't know .... if you don't see her that much ..... I'm not sure if it's worth saying anything .

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    I don't know if I'd tell her. Can't you just work dayshifts ( leave the house at the painful hour of 9a.m. or so( and hang out in a coffee shop for a couple hours ) ? You could work from 11-4 p.m. or so ( short days ... I know ) and just keep your dancer bag in the trunk. Just do your makeup normal and add more when you get to the club. I don't know .... if you don't see her that much ..... I'm not sure if it's worth saying anything .
    i do work dayshift, by choice. my shift is 2pm(when the club opens)-9pm. i can't just "leave early".

    also, don't you guys think -should- she suspect something and -should- i get caught "sneaking around" that it will be worse than if i'd just told her?

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    It sounds like you are leaning towards telling her from your posts ............ maybe you just want to do it to get it out of the way ? I didn't realize your day shift started later.

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    for the record. i said this in the original post:

    At this point, I've decided telling her is the best option. So, I'm not really asking if I should or not. What I want to know is "how" the fuck do I go about doing that?

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    I wouldn't tell her. I mean, she's only going to be staying with you guys for a week. Just imagine if she took it badly and it leaves you with having a strained relationship with his family? Is it worth it to you just so you can be honest? In an ideal world, she would be accepting of your profession, but the sad truth is that she probably won't be. So why cause unnecessary strain on your relationship if you don't have to?

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    As far as I can tell you've decided you are defiantly telling her and are only worried about how it might change how she views you and your place in the family.

    At some point someday the truth will probably come out. Sounds like you are with your man for the long haul so that really ups the chances of it coming out. I think this is a good time to tell her. If you sneak around and lie about it when/if she finds out she will probably be hurt and consider you to be a liar in general.

    Its a leap of faith and your relationship will definitely change but it could be for the better. Try to be calm and rational and answer all her questions. All of my BFs moms have had plenty to say to them but after a bit have been totally supportive of me. One even came in with her friends and tipped me over $500 on stage. You never know.

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    Quote Originally Posted by BonsoirBella View Post
    Pretty Penny, I've tried to think of one good reason why you should tell her.
    because it's one thing to let someone assume you still your old job. it's another to "hide" what you do and lie to their face every day while they're staying with you. like i said, i think it's worse for her to assume something is "up" with me sneaking around. combine these two facts:

    -i am a terrible liar
    -she is not an idiot

    and you have a cocktail for what likely becomes her figuring it out anyway. i mean, she'll be seeing our friends, my family (my mom knows), etc. i don't really want to have to explain to everyone she comes in contact with that week that we have to be careful about mentioning my job. sure, it might work and she may never figure it out. but my point is, if she DOES it will be much worse than if i'd just told her myself.. or had my boyfriend tell her.

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    Quote Originally Posted by GI Barbie View Post
    As far as I can tell you've decided you are defiantly telling her and are only worried about how it might change how she views you and your place in the family.

    At some point someday the truth will probably come out. Sounds like you are with your man for the long haul so that really ups the chances of it coming out. I think this is a good time to tell her. If you sneak around and lie about it when/if she finds out she will probably be hurt and consider you to be a liar in general.

    Its a leap of faith and your relationship will definitely change but it could be for the better. Try to be calm and rational and answer all her questions. All of my BFs moms have had plenty to say to them but after a bit have been totally supportive of me. One even came in with her friends and tipped me over $500 on stage. You never know.

    yeah. i'm worried how the dynamic will change. and, i'm worried about how exactly to tell her. i don't want to make it sound worse than it is by giving a long explanation, but i want to clear up some misconceptions.. should there be any.

    in other words, i don't want to be like "don't worry i don't suck cock and i'm not on drugs" but i want her to know that. maybe i should just explain that i work in an upscale "clean" club and hope she knows what i mean by that.

    also, just to clarify a bit... the woman i'm talking about is someone who rides a motorcycle and recently went to see "lez zeppelin" (an all lesbian ledzep cover band). so, she's not exactly conservative. she -is- "religious" though (doesn't go to church, but believes). and.. you just never know.

    but i want to make it clear that her open mindedness (as i stated in the op) is a large factor in my deciding to tell her. mostly because i think there's a good chance she will take it well. it's just the small chance that she doesn't which scares the bejesus out of me.

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    ^Hearing that, I'd say just flat out tell her. With your boyfriend there of course. That will not only protect you from verbal attacks, but will also show her how open/comfortable you both are with it.
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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    Tell her BEFORE she comes out. Letting her know when she's already there could lead to a miserable situation. Just explain that the hours and money are better while you are going to school.

    The harder part is going to be explaining why you let her think you were doing something else in the first place.
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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    ^my plan is to explain that, my reason for not telling her sooner was because i was afraid she'd think less of me. you know, i love her son and her opinion matters to me. i'm guessing trying to work the "because this relationship is important to me" angle is best.

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    She is here now. My boyfriend wound up telling her on the way home from the airport (I wasnt in the car). I haven't personally talked with her about it (she got in yesterday and I haven't seen her much because of work) but she doesn't seem to be acting any different towards me. He said when he told her she was just like "oh, ok". then he said she brought it up a couple hours later when they were out in the city. She asked him if I worked in a "safe" club. He told her it was an upscale place, explained the security, etc. He said he also mentioned a couple other misconceptions people have about stripping.. but kept the conversation fairly light and brief. He said she just seemed curious.

    She's here for another 5 and 1.2 days. I'm not planning on bringing it up to her unless she asks me about it, at which point I'll just be honest.

    So far so good.
    Last edited by Pretty_Penny; 06-04-2009 at 12:24 AM.

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    Default Re: How should I handle this?

    Yay! Sounds like you got the best possible outcome :-)

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