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Thread: How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

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    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
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    Mind Blowing How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

    My brother is moving down from a small northern california town to live with me in Los Angeles soon. He currently survives on the "streets" of this sleepy tourist town by crashing at friends houses, buying under agers booze (which he was recently arrested for) and giving people rides for chump change. Earlier last year he lost his warehouse job at a natural foods company and never found another one and was soon kicked out of the trailer he was renting.

    I have unending sympathy and goodwill towards him so my tendency is to offer him 1,000,000 good ideas, money for school, rides, etc etc. Yet I know from my own experience at his age (22) that I got some sort of sick thrill out of disappointing those that loved me the most.

    So how much should I hold his hand? I feel like I should let him sleep on the couch and use my computer (for six months maybe?) but the favors stop there. I don't want to "baby" him so that he can fail yet again and have this validated feeling that he really IS a loser and it's all the economy/mom and dad's fault. I was an alcoholic for the past 7 years or so and just stopped drinking 7 months ago. So I'm riding high on this feeling of accomplishment despite the odds, I want him to feel positively about himself too and stop blaming everyone else but he is really in the thick of it right now and can't see the forest for the trees...

    What would you do?

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    Veteran Member bexxx's Avatar
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    Default Re: How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

    I'd do exactly what you said, If he doesnt want to help himself though theres not much you can do. Just really try and encourage him on getting back on his feet but like you said dont baby him. He is really lucky to have you!

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    Default Re: How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

    I would insist he get a job, any job. He has not had a job in over a year; the longer he goes without a job the more likely it is he will never get one. After one year it may be too late.

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    Default Re: How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

    I've done this with family members who were younger that I cared about before, and the fact is that they really don't appreciate it. My suggestion is to set the limits and expectations up front. Don't give him 6 months either! That's a long time of free loading and he'll put stuff off. Make the time period short so he feels motivated right away.
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    Default Re: How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

    The economy is toast here and the county has a resource to help put people back to work. They will give you free resume writing workshops, hook you up with free trade (skill) classes, even give gas cards to people actively looking for work. I am sure L A county has a similar program (I know CA is bankrupt but it's a county program so...). It really is a good resource. Heck at his age he can still go to Job Corp
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    God/dess Mr Hyde's Avatar
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    Default Re: How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

    I'd help him but with conditions and you must let him know of the conditions beforehand and be stern about it. You don't want to enable any poor behavior by letting him stay with you rent-free, etc. My sister is like this....and she's 40 and still hasn't learned.

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    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
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    Default Re: How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

    Thanks for the great advice but he decided not to come. I searched for him in town a few times, hung out with him and the townies one day and my last day there I found him in the morning, just waking up in his car smoking a bowl. I got in to talk and it really stank, he said he "had no complaints" about his life but knew it couldn't go on forever. He was going for a free breakfast at the library.

    Later that night back in L.A. I watched a program that had "Freegans" on it. People who dumpster dive for all their food and posessions. So maybe I just don't rate his happiness as valid because it doesn't involve all the material wealth that I have? Who am I to judge?

    But as a lasting thought to leave him with I told him I would never search for him in town again because it was just too painful for me to see what he had become. When I was 14, 15, 16 I used to "hang out" and was taken advantage of/raped by a 20-something good-looking homeless guy just like himself. He is 22 and now hangs out with those same underage girls desperate for a 40 oz.

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    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
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    Default Re: How much should I hold my little brother's hand?

    I also told him to think about what it really means to love oneself. Do you know what that looks like? What that might feel like? How does one do it right?

    As children of divorced parents, I believe we were given the unconscious messages that
    1)True love does not exist, ie: never get married
    2) You are not loveable, you are not worth it

    So I find it only natural that both of us gravitated towards social groups revolving around drugs and alcohol. The "love" experienced there is largely false. Only with the love of my boyfriend was I able to start loving myself again and get sober. He apologized FOR my parents and told me that I DID deserve love.

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