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Thread: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

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    Default Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Yesterday after work, I texted one of my very dear friends who lives in the San Diego area. He immediately called me, saying he was here in LV, and would be up for a few days because his mother's husband was killed in a car crash. He said he would keep me updated over the next few days, and says he is ok.

    Question lies in this: if this were one of my girlsfriends, I would run to her side immediately. Either that or I'd invite her over for a girl's night with ice cream and movies, send her flowers, you know. I want to do something nice for my friend. Aside from assuring him that the hospital his family members are being treated at is a good hospital, and telling him I am here if he needs anything, what would be a nice gesture? I know guys react differently and I am totally at a loss.

    Guys, if you were in a similar traumatic, stressful situation, what would you want a very close female friend to do?

    Please no joke responses, ok? Go easy on me.

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    It really depends on what his "mothers husband" was to him, he could be there only to support his mom through a hard time and nothing more. Did he refer to him as his stepfather or said anything to indicate that they were close? If it were me i would let him know i was there for him if he needed anything but i would assume he was there mostly to console mom for her loss.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    It really depends on what his "mothers husband" was to him, he could be there only to support his mom through a hard time and nothing more. Did he refer to him as his stepfather or said anything to indicate that they were close? If it were me i would let him know i was there for him if he needed anything but i would assume he was there mostly to console mom for her loss.
    I think the worst thing about it is that his mother and this man were married for a tragically short amount of time. He seems pretty shaken up, but I think you may be right. I haven't spoken to him today yet but I did text him saying I was thinking of him and hoped his day went as smoothly as possible.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    A sympathy card would be nice, but nothing to mushy. It's pretty appropriate and tactful. Also, you may consider send flowers to the wake / funeral home but that's more of a personal gesture and depends how well you know your friend.
    XoXo Gia
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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    You could ask him to go for a walk or a coffee or lunch with you, which would give him a chance to talk it out...but really, unless he seemed really broke up and hurt about it all, he's probably fine. Kudos for recognizing the difference between a girl and a guy in this situation, and wanting to do the right thing. He might just want to combine a visit with a friend with this other thing he has to deal with since he's in your town. Guys are efficient like that. Your text came at the perfect time really.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gia2608 View Post
    A sympathy card would be nice, but nothing to mushy. It's pretty appropriate and tactful. Also, you may consider send flowers to the wake / funeral home but that's more of a personal gesture and depends how well you know your friend.
    Yeah, we haven't known eachother long (less than a year) but we have some pretty significant history and are very close.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Everyone deals different, You let him know that you are there for him and you would probably have to be specific, because i am sure he will hear that from many. Do you need me to do anything for you while you are dealing with this. Help with rides are just fixing dinner for him so he doesnt have to constantly eat out with others. Little things will help, they do not seem like much but if you offer they could help dramatically. Keep in mind a lot of people shut down when tragedy hits and if that is the case he will not use your help without it being offered a few times. I hope your friend gets through this okay and it is nice that you want too do as much as you can to help.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    When my grandfather died recently and I flew back to CA and ran into many old acquaintances. It was a private matter for me and my emotions, and all I really needed was time and for others to respect that I was bummed out. That alone really is priceless and trumps any other gestures. I'm guessing a lot of guys are like me and really don't want or need anything more then just allowing us to feel what we feel.

    Should it work out such, coffee and chat is fine... however the conversation goes, no need to plan it. You'll know the right thing to say in the moment.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    being that youre in vegas, and if hes up for it, how about taking him out for a good time. im sure you know a good bar/club/restaurant where good food and drinks can be had. maybe take in a show after. after you guys talk about his loss, this can help take his mind off it for a while and experience some fun. that will put him in a better state of mind.
    Last edited by dreamer1980; 06-22-2009 at 06:06 PM. Reason: spelling

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    I think the worst thing about it is that his mother and this man were married for a tragically short amount of time.
    Based on your reluctance to refer to his mother's husband as his stepfather twice, I would assume that their relationship wasn't a close one. At the same time, his desire to be by his mom's side to support her in this difficult time is also telling. No one ever wants to see people they care about going through so much personal anguish and it's easy to understand why he would appear shaken up by the events.

    While most guys would never admit to wanting their friends to do anything for them, I think most guys would appreciate their friends (male or female) to just be available to them. I think hb's suggestion of spending time together over coffee or whatever is a good idea. While he's trying to be a pillar of strength for his mother, he himself may need an outlet to let his feelings out. Or he could be the kind of guy who just needs to get away and find some normalcy in his life to take his mind off all the stress for a moment. Either way, you'd have those two scenarios covered.

    In any case, any gesture no matter how small would be appreciated as it shows you care. That's all that matters.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    A nice mellow dinner/drinks? Something low key and relaxing, but that gives him a chance to get away from the situation for a while.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    My suggestion would be to leave him alone for the time being but convey your condolences in an appropriate manner. The reason for this is guys do not like being seen in a vulnerable state. They are trained throughout their lives to be strong and not show their emotions. Usually when something tragic happens, guys like to be left alone till they gather themselves.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    During your friendship have you gotten to know his mom? Are they religious? If you know his family and they happen to be religious than perhaps a prayer card would be nice. You might also check the obituaries and see if the family listed a charity where a small donation could be made in the name of the deceased.

    Otherwise, if you don't really know the mom, than I would echo what you've heard so far and just let your friend know that you're around if he should need you. My guess is that he knows that he's in your area, and will most likely get in touch with you at some point before he leaves.

    Take care.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Thanks everyone. I did not refer to him as step father because I myself do not know how my friend feels about it, thus did not want to put words in his mouth. I think in a few days I will call and ask if he wants to come over for dinner then go out for low key drinks. Thanks to all for being serious. :-)

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    Featured Member vmurphy252's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Hope you can help him. Don't get too depressed about it yourself...

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Quote Originally Posted by vmurphy252 View Post
    Hope you can help him. Don't get too depressed about it yourself...
    No, I never met his parents. I'm just concerned for him; as I would any friend who went through a traumatic loss. Trying to be a good friend is all.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    You should try to see him. Even if its only for a few minutes. Knowing a friend took the time from their day, and made the effort to get together will mean lot.

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    Veteran Member SteveSmith's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    You've probably done enough by your kind words. He probably isn't that broken up about it anyway since it's not a blood relative.

    Families tend to not want outsiders (non-family members) involved in deaths in the family because it's a private matter.

    He says he's OK and that's code for: I'm OK, I'm not that broken up about this, you've done enough, thank you.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    What an awful thing to happen and what a great friend you are for asking how to show support
    I would let him know that you are there if he needs to talk or anything regardless of time Just knowing you are there for him will make he feel better.
    A Good Girl With Bad Intentions

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    Featured Member vmurphy252's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Quote Originally Posted by SteveSmith View Post
    Families tend to not want outsiders (non-family members) involved in deaths in the family because it's a private matter.

    He says he's OK and that's code for: I'm OK, I'm not that broken up about this, you've done enough, thank you.
    I agree that you shouldn't force yourself on him if he doesn't seem to want dinner/drinks, but I disagree with the above. Even when my mom and dad died (different times) I appreciated people that tried to restore a sense of normality. Something like going somewhere else for dinner or having a drink or two was helpful. It was actually more stressful staying with my family.

    Also, I know that my normal response, no matter what I'm actually feeling, to "how are you doing?" is "fine, ok, thanks", so I don't know that I agree with that assessment either.

    Anyway, I think you've had enough input from me. I think you've got it covered.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Quote Originally Posted by vmurphy252 View Post
    Even when my mom and dad died (different times) I appreciated people that tried to restore a sense of normality. Something like going somewhere else for dinner or having a drink or two was helpful. It was actually more stressful staying with my family.

    Also, I know that my normal response, no matter what I'm actually feeling, to "how are you doing?" is "fine, ok, thanks", so I don't know that I agree with that assessment either.
    This guy is probably not that broken up about this (he may not even care, many people dislike their step parents). The person who died is not a blood relative. In fact, he probably feels more inconvenienced by this whole situation than anything. This is not one his parents so your situation doesn't apply.

    In my family, even when a close relative died, we kept it a private matter. We didn't get together with friends for drinks and blubbering sessions.
    Last edited by SteveSmith; 06-23-2009 at 04:43 PM.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    ^So if it's not a blood relative, people don't care? That's insane and ridiculous.

    To the OP, a nice gesture may be just to send some food to his home. I know when my friend's aunt died, she was so stressed out making arrangements, talking with family, etc., that she never had time to cook a meal. I sent her a large basket with muffins/bagels/special breads with jams and butters.

    She called me the next day to thank me, and she said having it there reminded her to eat.

    A week later, she called me to curse me out, because she had gained 5 pounds from eating so many baked goods

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    Veteran Member SteveSmith's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Quote Originally Posted by kandie_kitten View Post
    ^So if it's not a blood relative, people don't care? That's insane and ridiculous.
    I said he's probably not that broken up about it to the extent that people make it out to be. He doesn't care as much as if it was a natural parent, stupid.

    My step grandfather was an asshole to my grandmother and was very abusive to her. When he died, no one in my family gave a fuck. We went to the funeral but there weren't any tears shed.
    Last edited by SteveSmith; 06-23-2009 at 05:04 PM.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    Thanks, I'm not stupid.

    In this case, we don't know the relationship.

    People can and do care for step-parents as much as they would for a "natural" parent.

    Just because you did not like your step grandfather, doesn't mean everyone else has the same situation.

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    Default Re: Sad question, but need advice, particularly from men.

    The stupid was uncalled for. Anyway, mediocrity knows her friend better than we do and I'm sure her judgment will suffice in how to best comfort him. We've all given suggestions to help her. No need to turn a thread where she was asking for help into a snarkfest. And if I seemed to start it, that was not my intention. I was just trying to provide a counterpoint to Steve's comments. Not saying he was wrong, just that everyone doesn't operate that way.

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