Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

  1. #1
    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    2,636
    Thanks
    495
    Thanked 744 Times in 433 Posts

    Default Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    Ok, so I dated this guy for a month. It was pretty casual, going out for dinner and drinks, a little making out, no sex. I knew he was a little neurotic and had a hard time dealing with stress, so I wasn't too surprised when things got chaotic for him (a move that turned out to be difficult and time consuming, unexpected demands from the landlord, and a job that seems to be in jeopardy, and is suddenly requiring him to work overtime most days) and he said he didn't want to be dating for awhile.

    However...he said something during this conversation that left me confused. After going off about how crazy things are right now, how he doesn't have time for anything anymore, he lets out a sigh, long pause and says in his serious voice

    "...I'll understand if you say you don't want me to call you anymore."

    Then there's a big long pregnant pause where he's obviously expecting a response.

    This confused me, for a couple reasons. I thought the whole point of the conversation was that he didn't have time for me anymore, so why am I being asked it *I* don't want *him* to call me? Secondly, I was thrown off by the whole reversal of the situation. Here I thought I was being rejected, and now I seem to be put in a position where it's to be decided if I'm going to reject him. So my only thought was "Wait...what's happening now?"

    So, what I said was "uhhhh....hmmm...Wha?...I mean...I don't think I understand." At which point he just says "Oh, well, I don't know. Nevermind I guess. Bye."

    I've asked a few people about this. The guys think that it was just a variation on the old obligatory "let's just be friends" and that he DOES NOT want us to have anymore interaction. But why wouldn't you just say that ("let's just be friends") instead of confusing the issue by asking me what I want?

    The girls all think that he really did want to be friends, or maybe just keep his foot in the door for future dating when things calm down. And, that I essentially rejected his offer, and was a little bit of a bitch for not being reassuring and saying "Oh no! It'd be fine if you wanted to call!"

    I don't think I'd want to date again (he was a bit nervous and twitchy for my taste, which in a bf just makes me nervous and neurotic as well) but I did think it had potential to be a worthwhile friendship.

    So...two questions. 1) what did he mean by that? What was he looking for? and 2) should I reinitiate contact?
    Quote Originally Posted by Vamp View Post
    As Katherine Hepburn put it so eloquently " Nature is what we were put here to rise above"

  2. #2
    Banned
    Joined
    Sep 2008
    Location
    With the luggage NJ
    Posts
    2,995
    Thanks
    80
    Thanked 115 Times in 98 Posts

    Default Re: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    I knew he was a little neurotic and had a hard time dealing with stress, so I wasn't too surprised when things got chaotic for him (a move that turned out to be difficult and time consuming, unexpected demands from the landlord, and a job that seems to be in jeopardy, and is suddenly requiring him to work overtime most days) and he said he didn't want to be dating for awhile.

    So, what I said was "uhhhh....hmmm...Wha?...I mean...I don't think I understand." At which point he just says "Oh, well, I don't know. Nevermind I guess. Bye."
    I think you answered your own question; he is neurotic and the stress of life has overwhelmed him. He just needs a pill. Or a GF to relive his stress.

  3. #3
    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    2,636
    Thanks
    495
    Thanked 744 Times in 433 Posts

    Default Re: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    ^^^ LOL. It's funny Earl, you've touched on something I was thinking.

    I was a little bummed that we never got to have sex. All that sexual tension building up towards...nothing. It seemed kind of understood that we'd probably have sex that night (we had a date planned for the day he ended things). He'd finally gotten moved in, and in the week before he'd been saying he was anxious to get the move over and done so he could "have [me] over." My first thought when he said he was too stressed was "well...wouldn't keeping tonight's date have helped with that?!" :smile:
    Quote Originally Posted by Vamp View Post
    As Katherine Hepburn put it so eloquently " Nature is what we were put here to rise above"

  4. #4
    Featured Member
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    St. Louis
    Posts
    815
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 43 Times in 31 Posts

    Default Re: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    Nothing is 100% certain, but sounds like to me that he wanted to break it off, but wanted to transfer the "bad guy" hat to you by making you be the one to say "no calls". Everyone feels bad breaking up, and most want to be the good guy.

    I wouldn't worry about it much more. Doesn't sound like he'd make a great "friend" anyway.

  5. #5
    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    2,636
    Thanks
    495
    Thanked 744 Times in 433 Posts

    Default Re: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    ^^^ That's what most of the guys seem to think. I can definitely see that. What confuses me is that it seems like a bad plan, since it has the potential to backfire if I responded with "Oh no! I'd like us to keep in contact!" Either because I really want to keep in contact, or because I now genuinely think he does, and don't want to be the bad guy myself by saying "no."
    Quote Originally Posted by Vamp View Post
    As Katherine Hepburn put it so eloquently " Nature is what we were put here to rise above"

  6. #6
    God/dess shasta's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    2,175
    Thanks
    778
    Thanked 658 Times in 317 Posts
    My Mood
    Breezy

    Default Re: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    ^ Yeah, but i think if you had said that, he would have come up with other excuses. Like, he would of said, "yeah, I want to be able to call you, too, but it just sucks to talk to you on the phone and then never have the time to see you. I just can't call you everyday, my job gets in the way and I am worried that you won't understand..."

  7. #7
    Featured Member
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    St. Louis
    Posts
    815
    Thanks
    2
    Thanked 43 Times in 31 Posts

    Default Re: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    Quote Originally Posted by shasta View Post
    ^ Yeah, but i think if you had said that, he would have come up with other excuses. Like, he would of said, "yeah, I want to be able to call you, too, but it just sucks to talk to you on the phone and then never have the time to see you. I just can't call you everyday, my job gets in the way and I am worried that you won't understand..."
    This.

    Or, like most people most of the time, he could have just been crossing his fingers for the answer he wanted.

    "We don't have to call each other.....". HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT HINT HOPE.

  8. #8
    God/dess hockeybobby's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    4,969
    Thanks
    1,811
    Thanked 597 Times in 382 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    Oh man....the dude fumbled the ball at the one yard line. What a shame to let a bunch of shit going on in his head, ruin a good fuck for the two of you. He deserves to go to the penalty box for a very long time.

    Guys who goof up like that don't get to pass their genes on. It's very Darwinian. I think. Or something like that.

  9. #9
    Veteran Member dreamer1980's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Posts
    401
    Thanks
    197
    Thanked 89 Times in 72 Posts

    Default Re: Does he really want a friendship? Was I a bitch?

    sounds like the dude has low self-esteem. even more so if he's anxiety ridden. i think he was fishing for some kind of comfort or reassurance with his "I'll understand if you say you don't want me to call you anymore" line. like he wanted you to say "oh no ill still want to talk since youre so awesome" or something like that. you know, stroke his ego.

    dating this guy will be a roller coaster ride, ill tell you that right now. sounds like hes indecisive and you seem like youre a more straight forward "i know what i want" type of chick. i can already see the plea for help in the Ladies Only section a month or two from now if you ended up dating, lol.

    keep him as a friend if he's a cool guy, or maybe even a f-buddy.

Similar Threads

  1. Friendship Awakening
    By InTheSpirit in forum Life Support
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 07-19-2009, 12:07 AM
  2. Replies: 13
    Last Post: 10-26-2006, 04:03 PM
  3. Old friend wants friendship again
    By Phedre in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 10-27-2005, 09:50 AM
  4. Friendship Frustration
    By IrRegular in forum Customer Conversation
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 06-11-2005, 01:48 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •