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Thread: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

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    Default Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    Hello ladies,

    I know that I don't post often (even though I have been a part of SW for years), but I really need your help in this situation.

    So, I have been with a man for the last two years. He's married.... I know, I know....I met him in the club. I am very picky, it takes alot for a man to woo me. But he did and it worked.

    Regardless, as I began to fall more and more in love with him, he offered to take care of me (around month four). As I hated my job in the club (it wasn't working there so much, but my joints were aching and hurting), I took him up on the offer. It was wonderful for the first year. He was loving, sent me messages all day, called me often, etc.

    And, in such a fabulous way, we had the best sex of our lives.

    In the last month, he has become much more distant. Not calling as much, texting as lovingly, ect. He has blamed it on work so far. As a woman, my gut as been telling me otherwise. I have asked him to be open.....even if it is something wrong with me, i want to know.

    The thing is, I am an open and honest person. I expect and try to demand this out of relationship.

    Anyway, I am at a loss as to what to do. He has put me in a position of dependence, something that I am really not apt to as I have always provided for myself.

    The past few days, I have been trying the whole "not calling thing". So that he worries about me, I guess

    Essentially, I need to know what to do. I love this man, more than anything, But, I must demand respect for myself. I have been walked over a bit too much for my comfort.

    I don't really want to go back into sex work.... if i must, I will. But I would prefer to be independent and in a regular occupation. What should I do? Is there a way to make him fall back in love with me? Or is there a way to regain my independence?

    Thank you for all of your help. Please give me your sexy woman goodness and confidence...I've forgotten so much of it with my time away from the club.

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    You don't actually have a relationship so theres not a whole lot to save.

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    Featured Member saphire123456's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    "The thing is, I am an open and honest person. I expect and try to demand this out of relationship. "

    Wait, what? Clearly being with a married man is a sign of being an open and honest person. I know you're used to the cushy lifestyle, but you need to get off your lazy butt and reevaluate your life and your views on things.
    These days I like to count my money. I like to wash it delicately and iron it. Sometimes I dry it with some bounty to make it all nice and cuddly. I love my money... did I say that out loud?

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    Senior Member Michelle Chanel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    Girly, sorry to break it to you…However if it’s been 2 years & if he actually care about you he would at least separate from his wife, then you & him would start living together. To me that is respect, what’s stopping him from divorcing his wife? He’s most likely either hanging out with his wife or found a new girlfriend. ..Sex can never fulfill a relationship, there’s more to a relationship than having good sex. Don’t call him, hopefully he will have the audacity to contact you soon and have a valid excuse for you. You at least deserve that; never let a guy put your integrity, respect, morals, or values down. As it hard as it sounds, you need a go get a job either become a dancer again or waitressing. Perhaps bartending? Look at your life and analyze it, what needs to happen, what you deserve in a man, what you expect out of a relationship, and how much you need to make a month in order to survive. You might need to put yourself on a budget until your stable on your own feet. Go for a walk/ run, take a cold bubble bath with a glass of champagne/ wine & think.

    Nothing is ever easy when it comes to dealing with a broken heart, and the first step to healing and moving on is always the hardest. But if you look around, you will find that there are a lot of people who are ready to help you take that step. Turn to them for comfort and let them surround you with love and laughter. Love heals all wounds, so they say, and laughter is a soothing balm for the aching heart. Distance is necessary after a break up to give yourself time and space to heal.

    Good luck Girly, stay STRONG & take care
    Last edited by Michelle Chanel; 07-08-2009 at 04:19 PM.

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    God/dess princessjas's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    He's either finished with his little escape from reality and has realized how great his wife is, or has found a new toy to distract him. Both are incredibly common scenarios regardless what line the guy feeds you. Move on.
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Featured Member hot4ablackchick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    I agree, move on. I know it is hard, but you made a terrible mistake so all you can do is learn from it. You can't "make someone fall in love with you again," once they are done, they're done. If he lies to his wife what makes you think he will be honest with you??? More than likely he has found someone new. The worst thing you can do is "fall" for a married man. Its bad to mess around with them, even worse to fall in love with them. This man probably does not love you, he just sees you as a plaything. In his eyes you do not command respect, you have been fucking him for 2 years even though you know he cannot give you 100% of his life, time, and body. You are not his first priority, his wife is, which is why he is dumping you not her. Get out now, you really didn't expect for him be there for you forever did you??? Get a job and pay your own way. NEVER ever expect a man to take care of you, especially a man you are not married to!
    CARMEN IS HOTT 4 A BLACK CHICK!!!!!!!!

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    How many times a week do you currently see him? I mean .... if it's only once a week or something, then you can kind of see how your relationship is always in hot and heavy mode. I just wanted to respond. I don't have great advice to give because I'm in a "should I stay or go " situation too ( he's not married, we just have been together and seems like we never fell in Love ... just fell into taking each others time ) .

    So ....... for you ......... it seems like you are at the point I'm about at . When you are finding yourself scratching/clawing/begging for quality time consistently .... it's more than just work stress on his side. Work stress lasts a couple or few weeks ( maybe month is extreme cases ), but the person has to get a handle on it at some point.

    From the outside looking in ..... it seems like you should say " this isn't working " and either demand changes or move on.

  8. #8
    JRdancer
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    It's a dead end street, so you can end it or give him space until he can step up and end it. In the meantime...

    Quote Originally Posted by Darling View Post
    He has put me in a position of dependence
    You have put yourself in a position of dependence, so every day from here forward take the steps necessary to get out of it, even just one step a day will get you there. Make a list of what changes you might have to make financially. What jobs can you do immediately and what direction might you want to head after that? Once you're firm on developing your independent life....

    Quote Originally Posted by Darling View Post
    Please give me your sexy woman goodness and confidence...I've forgotten so much of it with my time away from the club.
    ...your confidence will come back. And building your new future is a great jump start on mending your broken heart. You can do it!

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    Featured Member MarvelGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    I don't really see how you can call yourself an open and honest person when you are helping a man cheat on his wife. I am also baffled that you would expect a man who has been shitting all over his own marriage for the past two years to actually care about the illicit affair he's been having with you.

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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    Hi ladies,

    Thanks, to all that understood, for your wonderful advice. A little tough love is always helpful here and there too. I do realize that one needs a kick in the butt once and awhile.

    Thank you JRDancer, you are very right, I need to get myself in the right direction. I've been working at it for the last few months. Saving money, attempting to get my confidence back, etc.

    Carmen B, thanks for your empathy. I feel for you as well.... there is nothing worse than thinking that someone is wasting one's time. The circles we run is something I am all too familiar with. Quality time is something that I'm always looking for with the boyfriend.

    I realize that I sounded quite hypocritical in saying that I'm looking for honesty in a relationship. All I can say is that I never thought that I would find myself in this situation. In no way, have I ever asked him to leave her nor do I expect him to. Sometimes, these things just happen and grow slowly.

    Even in the bizarre relationship that I am in, there is love and pain and all of the usual elements of a relationship. Thanks for all of your help, I didn't mean to make anyone angry.

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    ^ I didn't touch on the fact that he was married, but other people did. Sometimes you have to look at this stuff from the outside in:
    If someone described your exact situation to YOU asked for your advice, what would you do ? What would you tell them to do based on the facts of what has happened already ?

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    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Darling View Post

    I realize that I sounded quite hypocritical in saying that I'm looking for honesty in a relationship. All I can say is that I never thought that I would find myself in this situation. In no way, have I ever asked him to leave her nor do I expect him to. Sometimes, these things just happen and grow slowly.
    I'm going to have to call BS on this. These things do not "just happen." They especially do not "just happen" for 2 years. They happen because people make the decision to do these things, regardless of how it affects others. You have been making the decision, every day, to be with a married man, because you don't care about what happens to his wife as much as you care about your own selfish happiness.

    I'm trying not to be too angry with you, but it's a pretty horrible thing to do, as anyone who has ever been cheated on will tell you. It's time you start taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. That means not just sucking it up and providing for yourself, but also acknowledging that you've intentionally fucked with someone else's marriage.
    Last edited by Elvia; 07-08-2009 at 03:27 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vamp View Post
    As Katherine Hepburn put it so eloquently " Nature is what we were put here to rise above"

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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    Ok, so there's one thing you need to do in order to get your 'independence' back....GO GET A JOB! If its a 'regular' job or stripping or whatever...once you start earning your OWN money, the independence & confidence will come.

    Also, get rid of this guy!!! I know that feelings are involved BUT deep down inside i'm sure you realize that if this guy cheats on his wife, he will cheat on you too. Sorry to say, but this dude doesn't respect women or he wouldn't of did that to her.

    There are SOOOOOOOOOOO MANY decent SINGLE men out there that are looking for a good woman & relationship....why not pick on one of them?? Leave the married ones alone.

    Basically, stop thinking so much about this, & start making changes. You will feel better once you get your own life going again. Things don't just happen on there own, YOU have to make them happen.

    Good Luck
    XoXo


    "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." Mark Twain


    "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." Phyllis Diller




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    Senior Member Jaden_GD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Darling View Post


    Essentially, I need to know what to do. I love this man, more than anything, But, I must demand respect for myself. I have been walked over a bit too much for my comfort.
    In order to respect yourself, find a single guy. Or better yet, find your independence again. I wouldn't say this guy is very trustworthy if he's sleeping with you while he has a wife. What if he left his wife for you; how would you know he's being faithful?

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    Senior Member etru's Avatar
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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    When you enter a devil’s bargain you can always expect the results.

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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    [QUOTE=Darling;1822388]Hello ladies,
    Last edited by Barbie28H; 07-18-2009 at 01:45 AM.

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    Default Re: Relationship: Save it or leave it?

    So, I have been with a man for the last two years. He's married.... I know, I know....I met him in the club. I am very picky, it takes alot for a man to woo me. But he did and it worked.>>

    Ok well alot of us are picky..its sometimes good to be picky, but a married guy...ehh its usually not the road best travelled. I know you know the obvious reasons why its a bad idea so i wont even get into that..


    Regardless, as I began to fall more and more in love with him, he offered to take care of me (around month four). As I hated my job in the club (it wasn't working there so much, but my joints were aching and hurting), I took him up on the offer. It was wonderful for the first year. He was loving, sent me messages all day, called me often, etc.
    >>

    Learn from your mistake. Never count on a man, or anyone actually to take care for you and never put yourself in that position. YES you can let a guy take care of you if you wish BUT always always have a back up plan.
    And yes its natural to think back to how nice he WAS, how loving and attentive etc. But remember all these things are PAST TENSE.
    It sucks. I was never in this situation exactly but I used to say the same things about guys. But he was SO nice, sweet, giving, etc. Only i didnt fully comprehend the WAS part.

    he past few days, I have been trying the whole "not calling thing". So that he worries about me, I guess

    Essentially, I need to know what to do. I love this man, more than anything, But, I must demand respect for myself. I have been walked over a bit too much for my comfort.

    I don't really want to go back into sex work.... if i must, I will. But I would prefer to be independent and in a regular occupation. What should I do? Is there a way to make him fall back in love with me? Or is there a way to regain my independence?
    >>

    Ok the whole not calling thing(the game playing). yeah it works, on guys who play games and believe me you DONT want a guy who plays games. You have better things to do with your time. Like get out there and get a new job. Whats your work experience like? College degree? What do you wanna do?
    If you dont wanna go back to "sex work" as u call, what are some other options out there for you?
    And no there is no way to make any one fall back in love. If there was, im sure MANY MANY women(and men) would pay dearly for the recipe

    I wish you the best of luck. I wouldnt beat yourself up about being with a married guy, as long as you learn from the mistake. I mean its not just limited to married guys, plenty of single guys also act in the way you have described. Hot one minute, cold the next.
    Put your resume out there. Get yourself a job and get back on your feet.
    SW is here for you!
    ~jenna~

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