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Thread: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

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    Default Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    laksj
    Last edited by ferox; 03-20-2013 at 12:44 PM.

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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    I wouldn't. Sounds like a right head fuck for both of you and personally I'd give him some time on his own to get his head round it all. Also sounds like they broke up for a 'good reason' if you know what I mean ie wanting different things out of life so I wouldn't worry too much. After 8 years they will have been a big part of each other lives so yes they will miss each other etc but it doesn't mean they are right for each other. If you say you want to see other people it will push him away, just give him a couple of weeks to clear his head.

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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Yeah don't be upset. When a guy says he needs space or there is some other girl in the picture don't freak out. Give him DOUBLE SPACE.

    He'll come back if it was meant to be. Just go do your own thing.

    I think she was right to ask about marriage. I would not have let it get past a year or more without some idea of where a relationship was headed if we still wanted to be together. 8 years is a long time and they had only been apart for 6 months?

    May I ask why he was staying over 2 nights a week?




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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Just a thought...maybe he fears committment. You say it was "blossoming into something serious", and likewise, in his previous relationship, the girl was asking for a lifelong committment when he decided to pull the chute. Perhaps once he's forced to move towards a committment his resolve weakens, or doubts start to nag at him. It's natural when someone is on the cusp of choosing one, and others start coming around, they'll think hard about the ones that are still out there that they are giving up.

    You might be able to force the issue by getting aggressive, but only end up with a guy who feels trapped or resentful later. Best to relax and let him deal with his issues, while going about your business.

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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeybobby View Post
    You might be able to force the issue by getting aggressive, but only end up with a guy who feels trapped or resentful later. Best to relax and let him deal with his issues, while going about your business.
    Quoted for truth.

    Having been in a similar situation - not exact, but being in a relationship with a guy where the ex is still around - I can speak from experience when I say this is a TOUGH place to be in.

    My guy didn't scream commitment-phobe, but he certainly had quite the reputation as a cheater. It was stressful, freaky, and horrible. I trusted mine not to go running around cheating on me (especially with some of my views on relationships! But I won't go into that here...), etc etc etc.

    The BEST thing you can do, no matter how scary or how upsetting is to let him figure it out. Pushing or pressuring him is only going to make him feel trapped like hockey said. Listen to her, and listen to StripperHacks - give him his space and DO NOT pressure him!

    Let him know that you understand this is a difficult time, and that as someone who cares for him as more than just a friend; you know he needs a friend right now, and you're here for him. If it's meant to be, he will come back. It's okay to be scared and freaked out, and it's okay to let him know that - but rant off to your friends! He's got plenty on HIS mind too.

    EVERYONE is right on this thread, the advice is sound. Listen to it, no matter how hard it may be. If you lose him, then you deserved better. If he comes back, it was meant to be. Believe me, like I said, I know it's hard - but you NEED to give him his space and take some space for yourself too.

    I'm sorry this post is disjointed - this is a situation that is still fresh to me. It all boils down to this: Understand that a long-term relationship, whether ended for good reason or not, WILL NOT JUST GO POOF. Especially not in only 6 months. Especially not 8 freaking years.

    Don't get aggressive, don't freak out. You're fine to keep seeing him, as long as you can handle it and not break down. If your mental health starts to suffer, it's time for you to make an executive decision and leave for both your sake's. If you can stand strong and be there for him, be understanding and caring; your relationship will come out stronger for it - and he'll know he can trust and depend on you to be there through thick and thin. Not to mention, you'll know that having stood by him, he'll stand by you.

    I can still hear my guy's voice apologizing to me for not knowing what to do and being worried that I was putting my life on hold for him. Personally, I can't imagine having done anything else. I am SO glad I did.

    Keep strong, honey!
    "The mood is important. You can't get a lady with force.
    ...sweet things alone are not enough. Seduce me with more fire."

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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Its time to end the relationship. I understand that he is nice and you really like him, but do your own thing. This is NOT the only nice, hot, guy with a decent job in the world. You are only 20, you WILL and you have plenty of time to meet guys. This guy is not ready to be in a relationship now or anytime in the next 6 months at least. If he is thinking about getting with his ex even though he is with you, he is just not that into you. I'm not trying to be mean, say you are a bad person, or say that he doesn't like you. If he were truly afraid of losing you then he would not take the risk. I was with my ex for 7 years when I initially met my hubby, and there is no way in hell I would have even considered going back after being with my now hubby. Hell, and we (the ex) have children together! Don't spend your time waiting for him, tell him you are not going to wait around to see if he "makes up his mind." That is bullshit and I hate to see women put up with it. Man, I wish I could re-do my 20's.

    Also, he was not "suddenly not over her." He hasn't gotten over her at all if he is thinking about going back. He was just distracted by the relationship he was having with you. I also don't agree with most of the advice given by others. He does need space and to clear his head. I understand that. I also think this will take months and you should not be waiting around like a starving person in front of a steak. I'm sure you are interesting enough to find someone else. Advice like "You'll push him away if you do/say X," is ridiculous to me. He certainly wasn't afraid of pushing YOU away when he said he needed space and that he is thinking about his ex. Have we become so desperate for "nice" men that we will put up with things we don't deserve?? You deserve someone who values you as much as you value them. You DO NOT deserve to "hold his hand" while he figures out whether he wants to love you or her. He is dealing with emotions, not at McDonald's trying to choose between the quarter pounder and the chicken sandwhich!!!! You may continue to see him, and he goes back to her, making the blow even harder. Do not give him that option. Walk away. Yes it will be tough, but it is best. I suggest reading the book "He's just not that into you." It is corny as hell, but so true, and made me look at men and relationships in a whole different perspective.
    Last edited by hot4ablackchick; 07-09-2009 at 11:01 PM.
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Give him some space, but please apply the stray dog rule. Don''t feed him or pet him.

    Don''t let him use your place anymore and don''t bang him. If your feeding and petting him, he's got no incentive to make up his mind anytime soon.

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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    I can relate to this situation in 2 ways: 1: im commitment phobic. 2: I was the other woman for my ex once when he got into his new relationship.

    First off, like others said, 8 yrs is a LONG time. 6 months is not enough to get over it.... i hate to say it but you are borderlining the rebound territory. That might sound harsh, but I would carefully evaluate your situation to make sure you are not the rebound to this obscenely long relationship. If you think you are, get out. Being the rebound is never good.

    Second off, his ex started calling him to say she missed him... this means she does not respect your relationship. I was this ex once.... (im not proud of it... I have done some things i regret in my life, this is one of them... I am hoping though i can offer a bit of insight since i was in this position once). She feels a certain precedence and right to him and feels like she is entitled to him more than you since she was wth him for 8 yrs and you are new. She probably knows him better than you; its hard not to after 8 yrs. She is aware of this and it is probably one of many reasons why she feels she has the right to try to take him away from you. It also means she probably knows some of his hot buttons, as in she knows what he likes and what gets him going. She probably has an array of good times they shared that she can bring up. It sucks, but when i was the bad ex girlfriend, i certainly used what i knew about my ex to get him to feel no remorse for cheating on his woman. However good your relationship is, its not going to be important to her. She is being selfish...

    That being said, you walk a fine line here. You dont want to be clingy. Being clingy is the best way to drive him back to his ex... Every time ive cheated in a relationship was because my SO started getting very possessive. Dont do silly shit like watch where he is going, take his phone, read his email (this might sound silly, but when i was the bad ex, my ex's girlfriend took over his phone and facebook account to make sure he had no contact with me). Also, you cant tell him what to do. He needs to decide it by his own accord. If he is not convinced that he wants to stay with you, then there will be bad stuff in the future. Dont guilt trip him into staying with you... you will regret it much more in the future than if your relationship ends now after less emotional turmoil.

    So while giving him space, I would be very careful if he decides to meet her in person. If they decide they need to go out to lunch to talk and he says he wont hook up with her, he might really mean this. But she, on the other hand, probably doesnt mean this and she will probably try to seduce him... I certainly did. So yea... phone calls are easier to handle, but if he meets her in person dont be surprised if they sleep together.

    This is a decision he has to make on his own. You cant tell someone to be with you... they have to want to be with you or the relationship will sour. While you need to give him space for his sake, you also need to watch out for yourself. I would distance yourself emotionally from him a bit. I think an ultimatum is also acceptable. You cant tell him what to do (i.e. Dont go back with your ex) but it is perfectly reasonable to say something along the lines of "look, I understand you are going through a rough time. However, I cannot be in this position forever, its not fair to me. You need to make your own decision and I will give you time to think about it, but i would like to know in X amount of time." This way you dont come across as crazy possessive but you also are protecting yourself. You are also being empathetic to his situation while reminding him that you are not going to wait around for him, because you are a worthwhile girl and there are other people who would love to date you without the drama.

    This situation is rough... I would also try to do something to remind him why you are better than his ex. Also, subtly reminding him why he left her isnt a bad idea either. Give him space, but if he brings it up when you hang out, I would perhaps say something like "well she did ___insert crazy thing here__ to you, remember? Im just saying..." She is going to be bringing up their good times when they talk on the phone... keeping their bad times fresh in his mind wont hurt as long as you do it in a reasonable fashion (yelling at him about what a bitch she is is not reasonable.... just be sensible and level headed).

    Anyway, that is my 2 cents. Best of luck on sorting out this mess.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Wait around on no man, not if he's dangling an old flame in front of you like that. No one's that fucking hot, man or woman.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    ^^Couldn't have said it better myself^^^
    CARMEN IS HOTT 4 A BLACK CHICK!!!!!!!!

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    Why does he have a headset on his head, like Janet Jackson or some shit?
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Who cares?

    The correct response in this situation:

    "Next!"




    OK, I know it's not always so easy.

    My first breakup was the hardest, and yeah I was a big sucker, wanting to get back with her (even though I was the one to break up--though it was inevitable). Sometimes it's hard to let go. But every time I have broken up with someone, I am always thankful I did eventually. It's just a matter of time.

    The tougher you are about it, the happier you will be. Indulge yourself. Take a roadtrip. You can now do whatever the hell you want, without worrying about whether someone might or might not like it.

    Freedom is a good thing.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    I think you are right ferox. By saying he wants to be "fair" to you, he means he doesn't want to sleep with her behind your back. So, by breaking off with you in this way, he can get down to business with a clear conscience that he isn't a cheater. This is why he is careful to say they are just talking so far.

    He's a young man, and he's a little confused right now. Tell him to take as much time as he needs, and call you in a few months, and if you are both single at that time, maybe you can hook-up again...or not.

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Sorry, HB, wrong.

    He blew it. Had his chance and blew it.

    He is trying to keep the upper hand here--though in his defense he thinks he is being fair, etc. But the language clearly indicates he feels he has the upper hand. If she says 'Take all the time you want, call me if you want me later.', she is giving him the upper hand on a silver platter.

    I let this happen to me once, and it sucks. Never again.

    In order to be truly free you must always either keep the upper hand yourself, or better yet make sure no one has it.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
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    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    Sorry, HB, wrong.

    He blew it. Had his chance and blew it.

    He is trying to keep the upper hand here--though in his defense he thinks he is being fair, etc. But the language clearly indicates he feels he has the upper hand. If she says 'Take all the time you want, call me if you want me later.', she is giving him the upper hand on a silver platter.

    I let this happen to me once, and it sucks. Never again.

    In order to be truly free you must always either keep the upper hand yourself, or better yet make sure no one has it.
    I think you may have misunderstood the finer details of the call me later plan:

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeybobby View Post
    Tell him to take as much time as he needs, and call you in a few months, and if you are both single at that time, maybe you can hook-up again...or not.
    She has given up nothing. It will be fun to give him the brush off later. In the meantime she gets on with her life.

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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    You are a gentleman and a very considerate person. I see where you are coming from.

    But this guy fucked up. He's stringing her along, albeit in a fairly nice way. She deserves better. I say the hell with him, he had his chance--he doesn't deserve another.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    I see your point too Djoser.

    ferox, I'm not smart enough to know what is the "right" thing to do for anyone. Something happens and you think it's the worst day of your life, and a year later you look back and think it was the best thing that ever happened to you. There are just too many variables to know for certain. It's hard to tell someone to fuck off when you love them and your heart is breaking. And it's hard to just let them walk away without a fight, feigning disinterest.

    I'm not sure what reaction will teach you the best lesson, give you the most wisdom, or make you feel the best, soonest. Try going with your gut and hope for the best.

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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    ...he's on the rebound. He'll be trying to end it with her in about 3 months and calling you again.
    "Peter, did you take Stewie to a strip-club? He smells like sweat and fear." - Lois and Stewie (Family Guy) ... "Through early morning fog I see, Visions of the things to be, The pains that are withheld for me, I realize and I can see..."

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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    I think the telling him to fuck off and die plan is the best one. What, he's a good guy because he admitted to wanting another woman? You've been legal for this stuff for... three entire years? If someone I was seeing put me through this, there would be tiny red hand prints all over his face.

    Nothing makes a guy want you more than telling him to fuck off.
    "I will let you know when I decide if I want you" is NOT hot.
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    So not to be a total bitch but if you try to "fight for him" he's going to end up sneaking around anyway, don't set urself up to get hurt.

    I used to fuck my ex ( I was with for 7 yrs.) in his new gf's backseat (he had a car of his own, but we all know I'm kinky like that) and in a posh hotel room when he lived with another girl, so.... Don't be the gf getting played.
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    Sorry, HB, wrong.

    He blew it. Had his chance and blew it.

    He is trying to keep the upper hand here--though in his defense he thinks he is being fair, etc. But the language clearly indicates he feels he has the upper hand. If she says 'Take all the time you want, call me if you want me later.', she is giving him the upper hand on a silver platter.

    I let this happen to me once, and it sucks. Never again.

    In order to be truly free you must always either keep the upper hand yourself, or better yet make sure no one has it.
    YES YES YES Preach it!!!!!!!
    CARMEN IS HOTT 4 A BLACK CHICK!!!!!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by ViolaStrings View Post
    Why does he have a headset on his head, like Janet Jackson or some shit?
    Quote Originally Posted by Emily View Post
    why does Janet Jackson have a headset on her head?!

  34. #21
    God/dess ViolaStrings's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boy troubles... his ex started calling and he's suddenly not over her!

    Most likely he'll end up back with her. Just move on before you get fucked with more.

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