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Thread: wacky sex misadventures

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    Veteran Member spyder's Avatar
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    Default wacky sex misadventures

    we all have 'em, right?

    usually i make a point of not dating guys that work at places i hang out at but this was the one exception. He was a bartender at my regular bar and after a year of flirting we finally made plans to hang out. He'd recently bought a house and he wanted me to check it out. Cool. So i went over one evening, we had a great time drinking beer, listening to cds, and talking. I noticed that everytime he went in the kitchen he'd pour himself a shot of jager and do it over the sink. After a few of these shots he started looking sad and he told me that yesterday had been his son's 3rd birthday. The baby mama didn't let him see the kid and he was really upset. He started crying (not stoic man tears but straight up sobbing) and told me that he really liked me but he wasn't over the baby mama yet. She broke up with him sometime during the pregnancy and while that was 3 years ago he hadn't recovered yet. I told him it was all right, we're just hanging out man. He sniffled a bit and told me again how much he liked me, and because of that he wanted me to know the REAL him. He had a deep dark secret and he said i needed to know what it was. Sighing dramatically he stood up and told me to come upstairs to his bedroom so he could show me the secret. I was in a 'what the hell' mood so i went up with him. We stopped in front of a big walk in closet. He went in and i watched him reach up to a top shelf and take down something wrapped up in a blue terry cloth towel. He layed it at the edge of the bed and gazed solemnly down upon it. A lone tear rolled down his cheek. He started up again about how much he liked me and how i needed to know the real him, and how the baby mama broke his heart, and then how he had to have sex every single day (cause he'd explode?) and when the baby mama dumped him he thought he was never going to get laid again. Finally he bent down and removed the towel, unveiling... a rubber pussy! We stood there looking down at his dark secret and i had to suppress the urge to poke at it with my finger, cause that might have seemed disrespectful. After what felt like a long time he sighed and wrapped it back up in the towel, telling me that now i knew the truth. Not sure what i was supposed to say i stood there trying to come up with a good excuse for why i had to leave while he put it back in the closet. He was taking a long time in there and i figured he was putting the rubber pussy back in it's shrine or whatever. Finally he came back out--freakin' naked! He started shaking his hips to make his balls bounce around, telling me to look at how big they were. I decided the hell with a good excuse, i had to go. Now. (i give him credit though, they were big)

    anybody else have a wacky sex misadventure that they look back upon and just have to laugh at?

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    Veteran Member dreamer1980's Avatar
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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures


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    God/dess JayATee's Avatar
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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    I have nothing that could ever top that babe. You win, hands down.
    Sorry I missed church. I was too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

    "If you're good at something, never do it for free." The Dark Knight

    "you conjunctively engender an intoxicating combination of wicked, wholesome & insanely intelligent" - a friend describing me


    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 View Post
    ^^^ It's a penis, not a martini shaker.
    Blessed Be

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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    a guy I messed around with one time, while we were making out, getting naked, etc..... when I went down on him he asked me in a soft voice to bite him, so I did. He couldn't get hard, and asked me to bit him harder, well I bit him so hard it almost drew blood, and he got hard. He loved it. I thought that was weird. I guess I'm naive....
    Quote Originally Posted by AznExtasy View Post
    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    You can say that again.. not just on here but men in general. Guys are so damn lame, the only way they can halfway make up for it is by opening their wallets.

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    God/dess JayATee's Avatar
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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    ^One of the bouncers at work likes for girls to step on his balls while wearing stripper heels. He's another one that likes to bleed. Personally I have no issue with it, but it freaks a lot of the girls out lol.
    Sorry I missed church. I was too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

    "If you're good at something, never do it for free." The Dark Knight

    "you conjunctively engender an intoxicating combination of wicked, wholesome & insanely intelligent" - a friend describing me


    Quote Originally Posted by lestat1 View Post
    ^^^ It's a penis, not a martini shaker.
    Blessed Be

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    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    Quote Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
    ^One of the bouncers at work likes for girls to step on his balls while wearing stripper heels. He's another one that likes to bleed. Personally I have no issue with it, but it freaks a lot of the girls out lol.

    OH MY GOD, the bouncer at my job does that, too. He loves us kicking him in the crotch as hard as we can, and we have no problem accomodating him.

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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    My friend (who practices Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu) wanted me to put him in a nekkid crucifix (a grappling hold). Other than that, a friend of mine was masturbating w/an opened bottle of Dom. It built up so much suction she couldn't get it out, so I had her stand up so I could break the bottom of the bottle. It plopped outta her snizz like buttah...

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    God/dess Golden_Rule's Avatar
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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    Many moons ago I was baby-sitting a just turned three year old girl of a close friend of mine. I had asked my GF to come over and keep me company as I did due diligence.

    So dinner and Disney time come and gone we put the young lady down for the night at around 8pm in the spare bedroom and she drifted off.

    We headed back to the living room, a little chardonnay and some snuggling later and things were starting to get steamy. Around 10pm I went off to check on the little miss and she was still out like a light. I reported this to my girl-friend and we decided to retire to the bedroom for some adult time.

    Excuse me for getting a little detailed but we were in the missionary position, sans bed clothes as it was warm that evening, being quiet as not to disturb when all of a sudden my GF starts rapping me in the back, hard! I come up from where I had been in her neck and look into her terrified face and notice she is looking at the foot of the bed. My heart sank.

    Slowly I look down to see at the very foot of the bed, not two feet from our intertwined tootsies, the concerned face of the young miss who, upon noticing my attention turned toward her, asked the question that will forever haunt me, "Uncle GR, why are you hurting that lady?"

    Needless to say both the GF and I were mortified beyond words. I realized I had to say something to sooth the concerned child. I told her I hadn't been hurting my GF, and thank goodness she chimed in on cue to back that up, and that grown ups just "hug funny" sometimes when they like each other.

    Thank god for the three year old mind as that seemed to suffice?

    We quickly covered up, took her back to bed, reassuring time with bed time stories, etc, and then back to the couch with weird, dreadfully uncomfortable, silence our close companion.

    It was years ago and I still get douche chills even now...
    Last edited by Golden_Rule; 08-23-2009 at 08:18 PM. Reason: correct a spelling error
    Fiat justitia, pereat mundus.


    BTW, while we are on the subject, is it needed to point out the obvious: That it is just possible that if you are willing to judge the worth of someone simply by what you read on a website about them it might say a whole hell of a lot more about you than it says about the person you are judging?

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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    A friend lives in a house he purchased from his ultra-religious boss. Boss was the only person to previously occupy the house along with his wife and kids. Years went by my buddy opened a secret compartment downstairs in the ceiling to find a large rubber female half-torso/hips/vagina/with life-like hair contraption carefully packaged. Surprise.


    I was once having sex with a girlfriend on the edge of a long sectional couch missionary. Her pitbull walked over and gave us a big sloppy lick up the middle from behind. Awkward.

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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    When I first got together with my ex husband, he said he wanted to wait til Valentine's Day to have sex. I know, it's hokey but he was 19 and I was 20. Anyway I was prety disenchanted with the idea but whatever, I was going to indulge him.

    About two weeks later I had enough, and we were drinking wine on evening. He was playing some computer game and I was watching tv. So, I kept sneakily refilling his glass when he wasn't paying attention, and we both got pretty wasted.

    We go to the bedroom, have smokin hot sex, and suddenly he leaps up and runs to the bathroom.

    Yes, my ex husband threw up immediately after having sex with me for the first time. EPIC FAIL.

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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    That was the funniest shit I have ever heard.

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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    Dear God where do I even start.

    How about one with my most recent ex (sorry MM, you know I love you :kiss: ) 'cuz it's pretty good...

    In the early days when our messing around wasn't officially dating and we were being discreet, we found ourselves in her Explorer behind an empty building near my then office (I knew the building had been empty for years and there was a hidden-away area behind it) getting it on in the fast and crazy way of two people who'd been waiting for this all night, namely her jumping across the center console and straddling me in the passenger seat without so much as turning off the motor. She was wearing this wrap-around dress that was like a skirt with a swatch of fabric that came up and crossed to cover the breasts, and hooked around the neck. Easy access to the twins FTW. Well, the ONLY way anyone could see our little spot was from the freeway that ran behind the building. But she left the headlights on in her haste. So she's riding me and we're going at it hard when there's a tap on the window - we'd been so into it we didn't even see the cop pull up, lol. She jumped off me and into the drivers seat in one freaked out movement and rolled the window down. Cop was every bit as embarassed as we were, and was acting really weird the whole time he asked us questions and checked ID. The stammered conversation ended with him saying "okay, just making sure everything is okay, nobody's here that doesn't want to be. (looking at her) Everyone wants to be here, right?" She replied - "Not NOW I don't!". Cop laughed his ass off, told us to get a room, and left. As she's rolling her window up I look over directly at her for teh first time since this happened, and see why the cop had been acting so odd - the second fabric fold hadn't made it's way back into proper position, and she'd been talking to him with one beautiful C-cup hanging out the entire time, LMAO!

    Many more to come if teh thread gets slow, LOL...

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    Quote Originally Posted by spyder View Post
    ...He started crying (not stoic man tears but straight up sobbing) and told me that he really liked me but he wasn't over the baby mama yet. She broke up with him sometime during the pregnancy and while that was 3 years ago he hadn't recovered yet...
    You have more patience than most women. I learned a long, long time ago that the worst thing you can ever do around a woman you like is whine (much less cry) about an ex. Instant Shot Down In Flames, just add Jaeger.

    But wow what a story. I'd be afraid to show up at work again if I was that guy, jesus...

    A woman I was seeing in Daytona had no control over her kids whatsoever, they were always barging into her bedroom when we were fucking. Usually you could stop and just lie there having grabbed the sheet and covered up, pretending nothing was really going on. But when it was doggie-style it didn't work so well. Then a while later we ran into each other and went back to her new house and were getting iot on, and suddenbly I feel something is strange and I look up.

    There was a little window from her bedroom to the florida room/patio, right above the bed. And right there in the window, his face about a foot away looking right at my face, was one of her kids with a gigantic grin on his face. I have no idea how long he'd been watching, but he got an eyefull.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
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    Veteran Member spyder's Avatar
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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    But wow what a story. I'd be afraid to show up at work again if I was that guy, jesus...
    he actually went to work that night, got obliterated drunk, and was fired. Makes ya wonder...

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    Default Re: wacky sex misadventures

    Quote Originally Posted by spyder View Post
    he actually went to work that night, got obliterated drunk, and was fired. Makes ya wonder...
    Yeah, see--he was probably so embarrassed and humiliated that the only way he could deal with it was by drinking more (wrong way to deal with things like this of course). I would feel sorry for him, especially if he lost his job on top of acting the fool--but there are so many other people out there with problems who don't act like fucking idiots.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
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