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Thread: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

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    Search Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    So we're in the midst of wedding season and it's had me speculating about my past and current relationships.

    I have never been truly ready to marry someone. I have seen myself being able to marry some of the men I've dated, and even the man I'm in a relationship now--I can easily picture it in my head, and it's a good picture. However, I have never been 100%, without a doubt, absolutely sure that I wanted to marry someone and commit to them, and only them for the rest of my life. So it led me to ask, is anyone ever REALLY ready to get married? No doubts, no inhibitions, no 'what-if's'...

    Is anyone TRULY sure that the person they are engaged to 'the one?'

    To me, it's a "ehh, what the heck" kind of approach. I figure if I love someone (which I do, and it's real love) then I guess I could give it a shot. But it's not an overwhelming urge or absolute certainty. I figure it's the kind of situation that I'd just have to try to see if it works.


    I'm curious to hear your stories or opinions--particularly from people who are married. Where you ever really ready? Or did you just kind of jump in to it?

    And when I say "jump in to it" I don't mean, "Heeey, I like you enough, lets get married!!!" I mean, that you genuinely love the person, have been with them a while and truly want to commit to them. But as far as the actual act of marrying someone, just kind of total submergence approach.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Marriage.....UGH.
    I truly believe that human beings are not monogamous by nature....neither women nor men.

    I am married, and I love my "wife". But if I had to do it all over again - no way.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    There are so many variables here I don't think you can have a real answer. I was engaged and married very young but did a lot of living before that. I was ready. I don't feel I have lost out on anything, I don't feel Im missing anything. We love and respect eachother. We have since we met. It wasn't a "what the heck lets go for it" thing. It was a "I love you and truly want to spend the rest of my life with you" thing. I don't want any other man but him. Im content. Im happy. Happiness is key. But Im also not in an entirely monogamous marriage. My husband knows I have a thing for girls, and he's ok with it.

    My personal opinion is that if you have to ask how to know if you're ready, you're not, because when you are, you will know it. No one else can tell you, it's a feeling.
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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    see, thats how I feel... it like, "whatever dude, if it works it works, then awesome! If not, well, it was nice, loved ya, but it didn't work out, good luck!"

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    I have no idea how anyone ever does it, especially when I look around these days and see people getting together and starting families and then bailing in no time at all. I especially can't understand how anyone ever manages to have a kid with anyone.
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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    I was against marriage at one time in my life. I loved my boyfriend very much, and couldn't envision myself without him, but the idea of marriage was not at all appealing to me.

    Then we started house shopping. And health insurance shopping. And trying to figure out financial obligations that co-habitation on a permanent basis requires. After going through a bunch of financial hell, we decided that marriage really does have it's advantages.

    Never have I questioned my commitment to him or his to me. That wasn't the issue at all, I know we'll be together for our lifetimes. I'm opposed to the idea of a state approved relationship.

    We had a small wedding (I didn't want one at all, but his family was pushing for it). Was I ready to commit to him for the rest of my life? Absolutely. So much so that we went to the courthouse a week before our "Wedding" and made everything official. I have no regrets, and would say he feels the same.

    It was funny, but the week I met him, I would share his photo with friends and jokingly say "This is a pic of my future fiance'." He was a male stripper at the time, so showing off pics of a sexy half-naked guy with that phrase wasn't really weird, just funny.

    I was 30 when we made our relationship official. I think age has a lot to do with a person's readiness. If you are under 25, you may consider waiting a bit. We do a lot of changing in our late 20's, and sometimes people change in pleasing ways to one another, but frequently the opposite is true.


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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by crazybeautiful28 View Post
    see, thats how I feel... it like, "whatever dude, if it works it works, then awesome! If not, well, it was nice, loved ya, but it didn't work out, good luck!"
    It's never going to magically work darlin'. Relationships take work. There are highs and lows. Taking vows has to mean something. Otherwise you shouldn't bother. (JMO)
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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    ^^^ Oh yeah, I know. That's not what I meant by my statement. I know marriage is work--communication, trust, commitment, working together, sacrifices, etc... I meant that in general--if it works, great; if not, hell, we tried.

    I would never marry for shits and giggles, and I would never divorce out of boredom or because I didn't want to work at it anymore.

    Paris, my whole debate is: am I absolutely certain that I want to marry this person and be with them forever? How do you know when you're certain? I mean, I love him, very much actually, but marriage is a scary thing. It's so...final...

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    I felt pretty much the way you seem to about two women, both of whom I had been living with a while. We talked about it seriously but never got past the engaged to be engaged thing.

    But overall I am really cynical about marriage. Even most of the ones that work seem awful to me, and most of them don't work. But then you see the few that really pull it off.

    It's like some sort of mass psychosis, brainwashing, a strange kind of disease when people are in their late teens and early twenties. Twenties being really old to be getting married not all that long ago--a century out of 5,000 plus years of recorded history. Kids of 14-15 were marrying most of the time before on a regular basis.

    The thing I think making marriage especially tough these days is the rapidity with which people will change, due to the massive recent wave of easy worldwide communication and transportion. And if by natural process the person you married transformed over time into a different person, it's natural in some cases to stop being in love with them, or at least so much so. And it takes a lot of love to make a marriage last 20 years or more.
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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    I believe in prolonged engagements to gauge your compatibility. Social pressures to get married only complicate things. "No, mom, I'm NOT gonna get married just because YOU want grandchildren!" Ugh. I hate being nagged. Marriage isn't the ONLY way to be happy, and it DOESN'T necessarily guarantee a happy life for the couple.

    But there's also nothing wrong with those who DECIDE to remain single. Afterall, it takes a strong will to remain outside of social expectations.

    Just my

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    I felt pretty much the way you seem to about two women, both of whom I had been living with a while. We talked about it seriously but never got past the engaged to be engaged thing.

    But overall I am really cynical about marriage. Even most of the ones that work seem awful to me, and most of them don't work. But then you see the few that really pull it off.

    It's like some sort of mass psychosis, brainwashing, a strange kind of disease when people are in their late teens and early twenties. Twenties being really old to be getting married not all that long ago--a century out of 5,000 plus years of recorded history. Kids of 14-15 were marrying most of the time before on a regular basis.

    The thing I think making marriage especially tough these days is the rapidity with which people will change, due to the massive recent wave of easy worldwide communication and transportion. And if by natural process the person you married transformed over time into a different person, it's natural in some cases to stop being in love with them, or at least so much so. And it takes a lot of love to make a marriage last 20 years or more.
    I agree people change. Their perspectives, desires-many things change over time. With this can be the change of your partner into a very different person. Because of this I am 31 and I have never been married. Actually I am terrified of it. I know I am being a pessimist, but after all the bs and heartache I have been through I support self-preservation. Growing up, I witnessed including the marriage of my parents, 4 failed marriages between the two of my parents. Marriage scares me and seems like a huge mistake in many cases. Someone may see me as a person who is afraid to commit and that's fine--I really don't give a [email protected]#$-to be quite frank. I think in these times it is hard to meet someone who is truly without a doubt compatible with another person. People r going to always have their differences and I find it hard to find people who really have a truly
    good, healthy connection with one another. If you find that you are one of the lucky ones.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    I have never been married and I have no interest in ever getting married. In my opinion I see that the cons outweigh the pros. I feel that it is not natural for anyone to be monogamous with one person for their entire lives. No matter how much you love someone. As someone else said people grow and change over a lifetime and most likely you will grow apart.. into diff people than you were when you got married. Some people may grow together in the same direction and I believe that is where some of the 50+ yrs of married people are at. Tho many marriages that are that long actually are much more "open" than many would know about. The only benefits I see are financial because of how our society is based, but not enough to entice me. Most people just shake their head and look at me like I will change my mind as I get older (I'm 26), but I most likely won't . I also don't want children so that helps too I guess with pressure from society.

    Tho I do believe that everyone who wants to get married should.. I'm not a marriage basher. It's also not necessarily the sexually monogamous side to it. I believe no one can be everything to one person. That is a lot of pressure for each person and why everyone is always trying to change the other or hold back parts of their personalities and desires. Love is not exclusive I believe it should be inclusive. You can love more than one person at a time and I don't think you should be forced to pick one over the other. Love should be about abundance not scarcity. Which monogamy is all about.. putting one person above all others even yourself. The older I get the more I lean towards Polyamory. I hope to one day be in a/many polyamorous relationships.

    As to the OP.. I believe you will always have doubts as no one can know something for sure.. forever. Marriage is not about "do you love someone" it is about are you willing to stay with someone (almost) no matter what. That is what I think most people forget and we are a little brainwashed to believe that love "will conquer all". But the hard part is more "What will you do when you are not feeling in love with this person at the time (pissed off or whatever)?" That's where I think most fail and just divorce because they had an idealized version of marriage. So I think you should go with what you truly want. Never feel pressured by anyone (parents/society) about getting married.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by crazybeautiful28 View Post
    Paris, my whole debate is: am I absolutely certain that I want to marry this person and be with them forever? How do you know when you're certain? I mean, I love him, very much actually, but marriage is a scary thing. It's so...final...
    I think you just know. When you cannot visualize your future w/o that person in it, you know you are ready to commit. Even when you are mad as hell at that person, and you still don't consider ending the relationship, that is when you've committed to him.

    It's a little bit like becoming a parent, some people just know that is what they want, others aren't sure but are glad when they do it, and yet others know it is not what they want at all. Then there are the ones that go ahead and have children, and later regret doing so.

    You just need to do some soul searching. Is this the person you think of first to meet your needs? If you were in trouble of some kind, would you be able to count on him? If he was in trouble, would you drop everything just to help him? This is a committed partnership, and you two need to be of the same mind when it comes to the most important topics, such as values, moral ideals and spirituality. If those areas are a good match, then the other more petty things (like taste in sports or movies) won't matter at all.


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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by crazybeautiful28 View Post
    So it led me to ask, is anyone ever REALLY ready to get married? No doubts, no inhibitions, no 'what-if's'...
    Only a fool would enter marriage without any doubts... The hardest thing to comprehend is that people evolve... Both of you will be very different people in 10 years... 20 years... 30 years... etc. So, you're not just marrying the person you love now (with all his issues), you're commiting yourself to staying married to unpredicable derivatives, transmutations and transformations of that person (with more issues that you can imagine)... It is possible to evolve in parallel paths (like people who are very religious or very dedicated to a "cause" their whole life - a gravity center for both of them)... but, usually, it in seems the trajectory has many twists and turns and ends up shooting in opposite directions.

    Maybe marriages should have expiration dates?.. 10 years?
    Last edited by jack0177057; 09-04-2009 at 11:30 AM.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    I knew the moment I first saw my husband. I realize that's not typical and it certainly doesn't sound logical but that's how it happened.

    I had no desire to ever get married and then I saw him and it was like I got struck by lightning. I hadn't even spoken to him yet when I called my mom and my best friend and told them I'd just seen the man I was going to marry. They were shocked because it was very out of character for me but 7 months later we were married and that was 9 years ago in June. I still feel the same way and he's not just my husband, he's my family now. We always have each other's backs and it would take something extremely drastic for me to walk away from him.

    I don't think anyone can tell you how to know. Sometimes you just do, and sometimes you take a chance and it works out or it doesn't. Love is crazy.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    It is possible to evolve in parallel paths (like people who are very religious or very dedicated to a "cause" their whole life - a gravity center for both of them)... but, usually, it in seems the trajectory has many twists and turns and ends up shooting in opposite directions.

    Maybe marriages should have expiration dates?.. 10 years?

    ------------------------------------


    you dont have to grow THE SAME WAY.......you just have to continue to love and be accepting of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with....the core person that you are doesnt change.

    Its not hard to stay together......in fact it couldnt be easier........you just have to choose the right person.....I have never once regretted my decision or ever had a thought.

    The anectdotal thinking is that 50% of marriages will end in divorce(i dont know how accurate that is, but lets go with it)....so it seems odd that there are so many people on here that think that it just CANT work. When about half the people seem to be able to do it.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    ^At the end of my first date with my wife, as I was literally walking away, I hear "I love you"...

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post
    I knew the moment I first saw my husband. I realize that's not typical and it certainly doesn't sound logical but that's how it happened.

    I had no desire to ever get married and then I saw him and it was like I got struck by lightning. I hadn't even spoken to him yet when I called my mom and my best friend and told them I'd just seen the man I was going to marry. They were shocked because it was very out of character for me but 7 months later we were married and that was 9 years ago in June. I still feel the same way and he's not just my husband, he's my family now. We always have each other's backs and it would take something extremely drastic for me to walk away from him.

    I don't think anyone can tell you how to know. Sometimes you just do, and sometimes you take a chance and it works out or it doesn't. Love is crazy.


    See, THAT'S a story. I want to know for sure before I commit the rest of my life to anyone, but I also know sometimes it's really hard to know for sure.


    I understand that people change overtime, but my view on changing is that you would just have to keep an open mind and an open heart. Patience, trust, communication, and a lot of hard work will keep people together through changing times if they truly love each other. BUT....who's to say love will last? How does one know that?

    I guess marriage is just a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of deal and something you just have to try and find out.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Yes. My experience is the same as Marvel Girls'. I actually met my husband when I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years because I didn't want to get married and I knew the question was coming soon. 3 weeks later I was saying "my new man and I are getting married!". Everyone thought I'd lost it. The best part too was I really didn't care about the actual ceremony in the sense that all I wanted was him and me and vows we wrote ourselves and lots of love. Ended up having a small beach wedding and cocktail party after 18 months of being together and are every bit as much in love today (married almost 4 years now). I remember he used to always say to me "I'll love you like this forever". I believed it and he still does. I also remember thinking when I met him, if I'd had to wait till I was 90 to meet him and been in 1000 failed relationships only to have a short time with him before we croaked, it would have been worth the wait and all the shit to experience that love. So mushy I know! I've almost made myself throw up because like Marvel Girl, so out of character for me hahha.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    It is probably not for everyone, but it is best not to assume that even if you don't feel it that those who do are universally brain-washed. Also we change, usually anyway. Just as we feel different at 13 vs 10, at 18 vs 16, at 20 vs 18, at 26 vs 20, at 32 vs 26, at 40 vs 32.... all through our lives we know from personal experience that our own feelings can change dramatically in short amounts of time. Today you may not feel it, but tomorrow?

    And though it is apparently true that 50% of marriages fail, it is also true that 50% of marriages succeed. For anyone that has been through multiple relationships of varying length, 1 in 2 of those married folks are actually doing quite well at maintaining long term relationships. You might say many are unhappy and that might be true, but there are no prizes given out for going through the ups and downs of multiple relationships either. If anyone prefers that great, but we shouldn't judge those who choose to stick it out with one person (for all we know they have their own ups and downs too, just with one vs many).
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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by lopaw View Post
    Marriage.....UGH.
    I truly believe that human beings are not monogamous by nature....neither women nor men.

    I am married, and I love my "wife". But if I had to do it all over again - no way.
    What he said. 2x

    Overall, I was more ready for marriage than monogamy!

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    I never know how to respond to these questions.....because I spent most of my life like "NO way!" in past long-term relationships I have had....then married my husband after a little under 2 months of courtship....and am more happy then I have ever been.....

    I don't think there is a universal answer to the question. Everyone's lives are so different.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    Ended up having a small beach wedding and cocktail party after 18 months of being together and are every bit as much in love today (married almost 4 years now). I remember he used to always say to me "I'll love you like this forever". I believed it and he still does. I also remember thinking when I met him, if I'd had to wait till I was 90 to meet him and been in 1000 failed relationships only to have a short time with him before we croaked, it would have been worth the wait and all the shit to experience that love.
    Word UP. Sounds just like me but we only knew eachother 7 weeks, and had a small Vegas wedding. 10 friends and Elvis.

    (YES! People who get married in Vegas DO stay together sometimes!)

    I went through two 4 + year realtionships and never felt that way about any of them. I feel the EXACT same way that you said up there ^ about my husband.

    I was in such a dark spot when I met him, ready to write off relationships and "love" (which seemed like a myth to me) when I met him. I was at my lowest point. At a bar, wasted off my ass, semi-suicidal, broke and pathetic... I meet him and he was in the same spot as me. I would sacrifice years and years of pain to have just 5 minutes of what I have felt with him.

    ....4 year wedding anniversary coming up soon

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    My husband and I were best friends in childhood and our friendship bloomed into a deeply lustful love once we reached the age of exploration. There's never been a doubt that we were ready. We could have gotten married at puberty.
    Yes, I'm real.

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    Default Re: Men and women: Is anyone REALLY ever ready to get married?

    To people who ARE married, what were some thoughts going through your head on your wedding day?

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