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Thread: grrr my mommmm [rant]

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    Angry grrr my mommmm [rant]

    okay, sorry, but i HAVE to rant...

    quick background: i text my mother EVERY NIGHT without fail letting her know i'm safe and in for the night. it's, in my opinion, incredibly unnecessary - i live 3000 miles away, yes, but i'm 22 and quite street smart. but every time i bring it up my mom gets really upset, so for the time being i'm just putting up with it to make her happy.

    the other night, i was hanging out with some of my friends at a hookah bar. my mom called me but since it was too loud to pick up, i sent her a text that said, "hey, i'm out with some friends at a hookah bar, but i'll call you when i get home." i immediately got another text that said, "[name], that is NOT OKAY. call me, we need to talk about this."

    oh, shit, i realized - does she think hookah=drugs?

    well, i called her when i got home, and yep - she thinks i'm doing drugs and sleeping with guys i meet at bars. funny, because i've never touched a drug in my life, and i've only slept with one guy. ever.

    but that's not the point - the point is, i'm 22 and can make my own decisions. it seems like the farther away i move, the more my mother tries to micromanage my life.

    yeah, this is stupid drama, but i really needed to vent and get it off my chest...

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    My mother used to be just the same. She stopped going crazy after I stopped answering her calls seriously. After six months of her calling with things like "Are you okay? You never called me yesterday." and me telling her things like "I was out picking up prostitutes" or "My drug dealer doesn't like when I answer my phone while at his house... says I don't suck his dick, you know, to pay for the drugs, well enough while I'm trying to talk."
    I, of course, don't suggest this course of action... but I feel your pain.

    She's probably just worried about you. Her little girl moving away to a big, dangerous city and all. <33
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    Veteran Member fast tan77's Avatar
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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    Print your post out and put it away somewhere safe like a scrapbook or album or bible or something like that. Pull it out in 25 years when your hasseling you child about something and have a good laugh. We all become our parents.

    Ask your mom how your grandmother hasseled her!!!
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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    ^^^ Well, there's parenting and then there's over-parenting. Personally I think this case is the latter.

    You're mom needs to understand that she's got to let go. As Erich Fromm once said ...

    "The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense,
    tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's
    side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from
    the mother and to become fully independent."


    In a way, by keeping such a close watch over you, not only is she saying that she doesn't trust you to be an independant adult, but she is also saying that she doesn't trust her own abilities to have raised you the right way.

    The funny thing is, I wonder if her concerns stem from her own experiences as a young adult and if she's possibly being a tad hypocritical - maybe, maybe not.

    Hopefully you and your mom will be able to work this out.

    Take care.
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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    ^ the thing is, the choices i'm making in my adult life clearly contradict and show that i reject some of the principles i was taught... for example, i reject the principle that two people of different races shouldn't date/fall in love/get married. i reject the principle that two people who aren't married shouldn't sleep together. i reject the principle that two people of the same gender can't fall in love (i don't think my parents know about my own bisexuality, but they do know that i have many gay and lesbian friends. they also know that i take birth control pills and that i've dated non-white men). by my standards, i consider myself a happy, healthy, and open and accepting person. i like the young woman i've grown into.

    by my parents' standards, though, i have a very deluded, warped sense of the world. so i think in my case it's less that my mother isn't trusting her abilities to raise me and more that she KNOWS (in her mind) that she's failed as a parent... because she's failed to instill in me many of her own beliefs.

    i think that what i need to do is to work on distancing myself from them (ie, like desuvsdeath said, not taking my mom's calls) and gain complete financial independence (i'm almost there, but not quite).

    thanks for replying, everyone

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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    Sometimes we have to break free and make our relationship with our parents on OUR terms. That could mean not calling every night to let her know you are "safe" - instead you call her a few afternoons a week. You don't have to take yourself away from her to end her undue influence on your life, you just get to set the terms and establish a relationship that fits your own needs better.

    Another thing that may work is establishing what you will and will not argue with her about. When you tell her you are doing something perfectly legal and safe and she wants to talk about it, you can say no. Be polite, be friend, "I have already made it clear that we are not going to talk about this anymore. I'm going to get off the phone. Love you, Bye."

    My parents were also very controlling, so I understand why you give in to their demands and how frustrating that can be. It feels like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. But once they begin to see that they can only control you if you let them - and you are not going to let them anymore - you begin to earn your independance.

    It may get worse before it gets better (if your parents are anything like mine) but they have to learn that they cannot control a 22yo living 3,000 miles away. You get to make your own decisions now and one thing that you get to decide is what kind of relationship you want with your family.

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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    Parents rarely want to “control” their children (unless they are complete psychopaths), they just want them to make what “they feel” are smart, healthy choices. Children don’t away see those same choices as what they want. Whether it’s eating your veggies at 4 or hanging out all night at 22. I was young and rebellious once and resented what I felt was my parents interference. Now I am middle age and only semi-rebellious but I am also a parent. Children are a parent’s most precious thing in the world and they never want any harm or anything bad to happen to them, whether they are 4 or 22 years old. They nag because they care and yes I know it difficult for a grown women to accept a mother’s oversight of your life. She is your mother and will always care what you do.

    I am in my 40’s and my mother is in her 60’s and I still hide my cigars when she comes ver cause I don’t want to hear the “smoking isn’t good for you” speech for the zillionth time (same speech I got when I was 13 and got caught with a pack of Marboro’s). I could tell her to fuck-off, I am grown man and will smoke a cigar if I want but I respect her and her opinion, even thought I don’t agree.
    I can do better than you in a two bit fancy house

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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    Im gonna go give my mom a hug after this... i know alot of parents who are controlling and there definitely is a line between caring/watchful and being WAY OVERPROTECTIVE.

    My ex boyfriend who is 25 mind you...well his mom called him, hmm at least 10 times a day. AT LEAST. And she made him call every night before bed and if he didnt she would call him and if she couldnt reach him she'd call me or his brother. It was one of the reasons i eventually broke it off with him. His brother was 2 yrs older and she used to do that to him as well but he just stopped answering the phone when she called. after a YEAR of her not talkin to him she finally gave up and didnt harass him anymore. I kept tellin my ex to do what his brother did but he didnt. Had a 1000 excuses. I think deep down he liked all the phone calls and the constant showing up at his house and her making all his appts for him and so on. but thats another story. im just saying, the brother had results by not answering the phone as much and not giving in... so maybe that is what u need to do.

    are u catholic by any chance? the way u described your mom, she sounds catholic. (im NOT knocking anyones religion here...) but dont feel guilty about your values and beliefs. they do NOT have to be the same as your parents.
    Id probly share a little less with my mom too.. like maybe say "im at a bar" instead of at a "hookah" bar. parents dont need to know every little detail. in fact, my dad always said the less he knew the better(when we were teens) i think he was kidding tho..

    Anyways sorry for the ramble... hope you can find a solution!!
    ~jenna~

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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    My mom was always the type that could add up 1+1 and somehow end up with 3. Don't worry, plenty of other dancers go through this. It's good to be checking in with someone and letting them know you are safe... just incase something does go wrong. It's not okay to let her run your life at 22 though. You need to pull back the reigns on her a bit... and that may mean taking a break from talking to her so she realizes you are self sufficient.
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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    my strategy when dealing with anyone who bothers me when they shouldnt, parents or friends or sig others, is to push the fantastic handy down arrow button on the side of the phone until it is on silent.

    I would try reasoning with her first. Have a talk with her midday when she is calm and not worried about you being strung out and you are not flustered by being bothered. Lay down your arguements in a logical fashion, explain that you are grown up, remind her you historically have stayed out of trouble (if this is true), and remind her that she was 22 once etc etc. This might get her to settle down and lay off a bit.

    However, if this doenst work, sometimes the best way to handle the situation is to put the phone on silent. It sounds cold, but she needs to get used to the fact that you are grown up. Then when you do talk to her your conversations should be better since you will actually be happy to be talking to her as opposed to trying to fend her off to enjoy your night.
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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    But remember, you are never a grown up in your parents eyes. But yes, ask your mother, what she was doing at 22 that grandma wouldn't have approved of!!!
    I can do better than you in a two bit fancy house

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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    Start weaning her off the calls/texts by telling her you are not going to be able to text her on Tuesday (for example), and just wanted to let her know, so that she didn't worry. Do the same thing the next week, but add an extra day (like Tuesday and Saturday). Keep doing this for 3-4 weeks until she starts feeling better about less contact and the fact that the sky didn't fall when you didn't send her a daily text.

    It is time to cut the apron strings (for her, not you!) and you need to start breaking the mother/child relationship and move into an adult relationship with an adult relative.

    Good luck. Know that it is harder on her than it is on you. She is losing a piece of her identity with the loss of active parenting of a child. This is very painful for people, it's a little like being fired from a job you just spent the last 22 years doing, and not knowing much of anything else. She will probably freak out at some point, and be prepared for the emotional roller coaster this is going to bring.


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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    Personally, I think until you are financially independent, you have limited say in the restrictions your mother puts on you.
    "If you're going through hell, keep going."-Winston Churchill

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    Default Re: grrr my mommmm [rant]

    One more possibility ... talk to your father and let him know how you're feeling and if he seems to understand, tell him about your plans to wean off your mother. Hopefully if he's understanding than he'll be there for your mom to help ease her concerns.
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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