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Thread: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

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    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
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    Mind Blowing Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Me and my boyfriend are celebrating our 2 year anniversary tonight (was supposed to be yesterday! but nothing happened) and I'm just feeling like I was too "easy" for the last couple of years. You know the type, very modern feminist chick who's "too cool" to be hung up on those material things like most bitches. I've never required him to do anything but be himself. Yet in hindsight I'm starting to wonder if buying myself jewelry, flowers and chocolate is really what I want out of life. I make him cards, I take him out, get him ifts when I travel and try to create little special moments for us all the time. I think his idea of a special moment is ice cream and TV, a quick fuck and a good nights sleep.

    I've made it clear numerous times that I need these things to feel appreciated but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He difinately hugs and kisses me plenty, tells me that he loves me and that I'm beautful all the time (which is more than I can say for previous boyfriends) but for some reason I still need some physical, material proof of his affection.

    AM I SHALLOW? Or is it OK to raise your expectations mid-relationship?

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    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    OH ALSO! I have read that passion dissapates at the TWO YEAR mark because are human bodies are pre-programmed to have already created children by that time (which changes your body chemistry to keep you together HORMONALY to raise them) So if there are no children then the people begin to withdraw from each other because our ancient instincts tell us that SOMEBODY MIGHT BE INFERTILE. Weird right? but it totally makes sense.

    Anyway, thats all the more reason to amp up the romance factor. We don't plan on getting married or reproducing anytime soon if EVER. I once had a dream I'd be a housewife by this time but as luck would have it you can't choose who you fall in love with.

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    God/dess J.D.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Um, of course it's ok! You've been with this guy two years, I don't think you're asking anything outrageous. I enjoy getting a nice gift from a boyfriend every once in a while, in fact, if I want something nice, my SO will usually buy it for me, it's one of the perks of being in a relationship!
    Quote Originally Posted by AznExtasy View Post
    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    You can say that again.. not just on here but men in general. Guys are so damn lame, the only way they can halfway make up for it is by opening their wallets.

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Mine doesn't really buy me things either... but mine also doesn't really buy himself things...
    That's something you have to look at as well... the entire year that we've been dating... the only thing my boyfriend has even bought for himself was a new guitar and maybe one or two misc things at conventions (where I didn't expect him to buy me anything since he'd payed for everything)... So it would be strange for him to treat you better than he does himself, ya know?

    It's not outrageous for you to expect him to buy you things here and there... but it's really hard to snap people out of old habbits when you're in long relationships.
    If you've told him and it hasn't changed anything... best advice I can give you is that if you've told him you want these things and he hasn't changed... sit him down and say "Look, I've told you that this is something I feel like I need... and you still aren't doing it and that's a problem and we need to find a way to fix that."
    I know my boyfriend is completely oblivious unless I actually sit down and spell it out.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Yeah but it just sounds so yucky coming out of my mouth "buy me jewelry! I like shiny things!" because I said a million times I want to feel special now I guess I just need to be more specific.

    Honestly, I guess I don't care how bad it sounds as long as I like the end result I'll be happy.

    ha ha ha, I mean like, even if he drags his feet and just buys me something because I complained, I'd still be like "oooh how pretty! you must really love me!" And then fall back on a big pile of silk pillows while I admire it!! LOL!!!

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    God/dess carmen_b's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Man ...... there is a definite SW trend happening from girls trying to jazz up their relationships . Yes ... you CAN talk to him about what you want ! Be specific. For me it was :
    treat me like I'm a new girlfriends sometimes ( I can care if you have to act )
    kiss/makeout
    shut of phone a couple hours a week a during dinner or date with me

    he has requests too and I did them - they were
    get done up more ( more cute outfits, wear makeup ect. )
    I'll leave the rest of his requests out of this message!

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    God/dess J.D.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Quote Originally Posted by DesuvsDeath View Post
    Mine doesn't really buy me things either... but mine also doesn't really buy himself things...
    That's something you have to look at as well... the entire year that we've been dating... the only thing my boyfriend has even bought for himself was a new guitar and maybe one or two misc things at conventions (where I didn't expect him to buy me anything since he'd payed for everything)... So it would be strange for him to treat you better than he does himself, ya know?

    It's not outrageous for you to expect him to buy you things here and there... but it's really hard to snap people out of old habbits when you're in long relationships.
    If you've told him and it hasn't changed anything... best advice I can give you is that if you've told him you want these things and he hasn't changed... sit him down and say "Look, I've told you that this is something I feel like I need... and you still aren't doing it and that's a problem and we need to find a way to fix that."
    I know my boyfriend is completely oblivious unless I actually sit down and spell it out.
    So true! Most guys are! You need to be specific, is there something in particular you want? An occasion coming up so he'll have an excuse to buy it for you?
    Quote Originally Posted by AznExtasy View Post
    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    You can say that again.. not just on here but men in general. Guys are so damn lame, the only way they can halfway make up for it is by opening their wallets.

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Tools

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Quote Originally Posted by peachplumpear View Post
    I said a million times I want to feel special now I guess I just need to be more specific.
    Oh definately if all you've done is say you want to feel special there's NO WAY he's going to get "Buy me jewelry!" lol.
    If I told my boyfriend I wanted to feel special... he'd think letting me pick which server we play WoW on to be sufficient.

    I'm a firm believer in being VERY specific with people. If you think about things like... all the tiny every day misunderstandings you have when you're being CLEAR with people (like when I was ordering my Starbucks an hour ago!)... think about how unlikely it is that they'll figure out what you mean if you aren't being specific with what you want!
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Banned ArmySGT.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Well for guys gifts don't carry as much weight. We don't attach that much significance to them as women do. We get our friends and mates things they need, not gifts they might like. Men don't buy gifts because we just don't think of them.

    We get the gifts that are appropriate for a holiday because they are the ones we have been taught to do. Have you noticed their aren't many holidays that are specific "buy your man a gift day" . Have you also noticed that most gifts for men a usually something for their hobby or work.

    For Men gifts are for courting, we buy them to convince you we are good providers. After that we are expected to provide.

    before you think me are just as into nick nack gifts as you are head down to the hobby lobby and see how many guys are there.

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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    I would say asking to have more special occasions is reasonable and perhaps expecting him to buy things on holidays is reasonable. However, asking him to spend lots of money is dependent on his income. If he has a job that doesn't pay a lot and that was part of the bargain when you started, then you are in grey area. Some things come with the package. For instance, for you I am assuming that being a dancer came with the package and you wouldn't drop it for him. Maybe he is in a career that is not great money wise (like teaching or something) and that comes with the package for him. Then expecting him to drop lots money all of the sudden is unfair. However, if he is wealthy then it is reasonable. Or if he is broke because he is in a dead end job or is unemployed, then you should ask him to step his game up.

    Ivwould try to focus a bit more on Doing special meaningful things together than the shiny things. Go on a special date or take a romantic weekend vacation somewhere. Try to switch up what you are doing, you sound bored which might be makin you feel unfufilled and needing more jewelry.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    wow thanks for the responses, especially the dude! kinda puts it in perspective. I forgot we were are totally different creatures. I buy things for him like dream catchers and magnets, thinking thats so thoughtful of me when really he's prolly thinking "umm OK...thanks hon, I'll just put this on the shelf over here" ha ha ha

    Tonight we had a nice time eating sushi by candle-light on his tailgate overlooking the city lights at L.A.'s "makeout point". He made me a card and it was a perfect night! I have been sober for 1 year now and going back to university tomorrow, it's a happy time

    I feel shallow for wanting more, he's a super sweet and generous guy. I told him my little rant about jewelry and flowers and he was concerned but I think in disbelief a little? ha ha I feel silly, sometimes chicks are just never satisfied!

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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Back in the cave man days "generous men" would give food they just killed to other tribes to build alliances and to keep women in their own clan.

    Yes and no things have not changed. We don't necessarily need jewelry per say but we do like the feeling of being taken care of by a man. Whether its a fur pelt to keep us warm in the winter or a little blue box from Tiffany's...seriously get yourself a generous man!

    It's going to be hard to switch things around but I would start dropping hints of what you want.

    Women should look at it this way...We look for relationship skills. Being generous as a man is a part of that. They know how to keep the peace and network. Same thing for generous women. They show they are selfless especially in the child rearing phase and know how to keep people in her own clan and outside happy. You don't have to have or want children but the same rule applies in how men view women as far as relationships go.

    How come you two didn't do anything for your two year? Me personally would be making an exit plan but that is just me.

    I don't need a man to make me feel like a woman and I don't need him to buy me things to feel special or like a woman either.

    There are certain things that men and women should do for each other to create and emotional bond but psychologically and biologically sometime we ignore our human nature and try to control things on our own. That is when the other person in the relationship feels unfulfilled but can't put their finger on it as to why. So no it's not shallow it's biological.

    Sushi and the view of L.A. sound like a nice night.




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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    I don't see anything wrong with "casually" mentioning which particular piece of jewelry tickles your fancy (along with WHERE said item may be found & what size, etc.) - AS LONG AS it is within your SO's means.

    Another thing: YOU'RE the one who's been "too easy for the last couple of years/not expecting him to be anything but himself" - men aren't mind readers, and closed mouths don't get fed! It's YOUR responsibility to SPEAK UP! How can he "change" if he doesn't know the "problem?"

    Best of luck

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    God/dess xdamage's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    You can change your standards any time you want Of course so can the other person in the relationship and they can change expectations too.

    The reality is relationships do change in time. The initial wooing period is often different then later periods. Some need the thrill of the wooing period eternal and find new partners repeatedly to keep it going; some try to keep it alive to varying degrees in the same relationship; some are more tolerant of the changes that occur in time (often especially so once children are part of the equation).

    Just be honest what you need to feel happy and then it is up to the other person to decide for themselves how to react.
    I promise not to look down on you if you can laugh at lawyer jokes. - minnow

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    God/dess verfolgung's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    Old saying ...

    "A man marries a woman thinking that she won't change, but she will.
    A woman marries a man thinking that she can make him change, but she can't."
    If you can't win. Make the fellow in front of you break the record.


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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    I bet if you ask directly for flowers or jewelry, you'll get them.
    My flower request is always phrased as " Hmmmm .... I haven't gotten any stems in a while ....I love stems .......... "
    With my guy, he's the one who actually likes jewelry. I makes me nervous because I feel like I'll lose the jewels somewhere. I'm an experience person ( not a stuff person at all ), so mine knows that a great meal/fun night out/trip booked is what I like the best.

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    Senior Member Sad Sally's Avatar
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    Default Re: Can you up your standards mid-relationship?

    I would explain to your boyfriend the reason behind why you want the things you do. That it makes you feel like he is really taking the time to think about what might make you happy or feel loved. That it reinforces the bond between you when he finds ways other than "Love you Babe" to express his feelings about you. If he sees you eye balling some pretty necklace than surprises you with it a week later (not a special occasion) your gonna know he pays attention to you. The girls are right thought give him specific examples like I just gave you. He'll get it.

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