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Thread: What do you tell your kids?

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    Member rocketgirl's Avatar
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    Default What do you tell your kids?

    I'm currently seven months pregnant with a little girl. The first thing my sister said when I told her it was a girl was, "she can never know you were a stripper". (which pissed me off on many levels, but didn't surprise me since she's always been judgmental about that part of my life)
    After dancing full or part time for ten years, I quit in my fourth month.
    I'm not ashamed of dancing, and I don't want to lie about it. It was actually my favorite job I've ever had, which most people can't understand. It made me who I am today, I think in many ways a better person, better able to parent than if I had never done it.
    My question is, what have you told your kids about your job? When do you tell them? I can't keep ten years of my life a secret from my daughter, and I know if I ever hear her saying ignorant things about the industry when she's older I won't be able to help correcting her. I can just imagine the conversation might be as awkward as a birds and the bees one.......

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Sooo I dont have kids but I do have an opinion on this one. If I do ever have them I will definitely not tell them. Just like I won't tell my kids I'm a swinger, I do drugs and pretty much anything I wouldn't tell my own parents. I just don't think they need to know. I was raised pretty conservatively and I idolized my parents. I would say I am a party girl now and I'm not rebelling... my parents have no clue what I get up to. But the reason I think their way of raising me was best is because I know what I should do.. I just make an informed decision to sometimes make "mistakes". But I think that little voice that tells me "mommy wouldn't be proud" always pulls me back in line.

    Just remember. You are this child's mother...not their friend. You can still raise them to have an open mind without telling them the details of your life. A good example is my mom always went on and on about how you should never have sex before marriage. (so silly I know but at 14 sounded right!) Anyways so I'd always assumed she had waited until one day at 16 I asked her... well! Turns out mommy was 17! So guess what? The next week I did it. Knowing she had done it was like a free pass to do the same.

    congratulations btw!

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    Veteran Member DancingDaisy's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Children do not want to imagine their parents in any kind of sexual situation. Its great that you are not ashamed and proud of the person you have become. I dont think it would be bad to tell your children about what you do/did for work but its not necessary. I enjoy dancing but if my mom did it I know I wouldnt like to imagine her dancing for men just because I would feel protective in a way. If the conversation comes up at an appropriate age I dont see a problem about correcting her about the misconceptions about the job. Just avoid too many details. Just my 2 cents.
    Congratulations on the new baby!

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    God/dess princessjas's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    I have boys so it's a bit different, but no I do not plan on telling them about my dancing. I'm not ashamed of it, but there are some things that I don't think kids really want to know about their parents and that is one of those things.
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Its nothing to be ashamed of, I agree, but some things you just NEVER wants your kids/parents to know..

    When I was younger, about 12, some stupid kid @ my school made a comment about my mom being a "lesbian" when she was younger.. This absolutely devastated me... probably just bc they were teasing me about it, and I was so young and closed minded... I ended up asking her about it, and of course she denied it, but one of my aunts (her sister) told me she was infact "bisexual" growing up... I remember thinking of my mom so differently bc of that, like it was just "SO disgusting".... prob just bc I was teased about it.... Now, I really dont care, but as a kid, I guess it can really weigh on u....

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Dancing was never something I hid from my son. I'm not sure how old he was when he first knew (he's 20 now so it was quite some time ago), but it was a simple conversation with very little fanfare. The question just came up and I answered it. I told him it was in his best interest to keep that knowledge to himself ... not because it was something to be ashamed of, but because different people react differently to such info and I didn't want it to be an issue with any of his friends parents. For their purposes, I always said I was a cocktail waitress. My step-daughter, on the other hand, doesn't know. Again, not because I'm ashamed of it, but because of more practical reasons. Her mother is a true conniver who would just love to have some ammo to use against my man and I can only imagine how she would twist me into some kind of hooker with her lawyer if she knew.

    My mom told me all kinds of stuff from her past when I was about 15. Some of it was good, some not so good. For me, it helped improve our relationship because I realized she wasn't just being a big bitch when she was hard on me. She was acting based on her own experience trying to keep me from going down the same path she did. It gave her a bit more credibility in my eyes.

    Now it seems as though our family approach is the exception rather than the rule based on the other posts here. I think it's safe to say that no approach is completely right or wrong. You'll know when/if you should talk about it with her when the time comes.

    I look at it this way. First, if you don't make a big deal out of it, it won't likely be a big deal to them. Second, how can you expect your kid to be honest with you if you aren't being honest with them?

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    Veteran Member Blue_Dust_Bunny's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    I agree with Lisa. A lot of the other comments mention that children may become devestated to know that their parents led deviant lives - but if you're the one that exposes them to the facts (the real facts and not just a sermon on why it is wrong) then I feel like you would be a closer, more in control parent. Especially since you are expecting a daughter - she will probably feel like she can trust you since she knows you've gone through experiences (how to handle men, how to accept her body, etc., etc.)

    My parents followed the complete opposite route - they also backed up their stances with God and religion - you should not have sex because its evil, you shouldn't think about certain things because they are evil, certain people like gays and dancers are evil, etc., etc. I can tell you, as soon as I started distrusting religion (around 11 or 12 years of age) I stopped considering them as people I could get advice from. If they had just been human and real about why they thought the way they thought than I could have been real and human with them.

    As for when, that I have no idea about. Like Lisa said, the best way would be putting it simple without any details. If they have questions, answer them. I also suggest not waiting too long - because the longer you wait for the occasion to rise the more pressure you might put on the moment (I feel like thats what happens with the bird and bees thing - parents wait until their children are teenagers when in fact the concept should have been introduced earlier when their bodies first started changing)

    I'm not a parent though, and I know that makes all the difference

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Quote Originally Posted by Blue_Dust_Bunny View Post

    My parents followed the complete opposite route - they also backed up their stances with God and religion - you should not have sex because its evil, you shouldn't think about certain things because they are evil, certain people like gays and dancers are evil, etc., etc. I can tell you, as soon as I started distrusting religion (around 11 or 12 years of age) I stopped considering them as people I could get advice from. If they had just been human and real about why they thought the way they thought than I could have been real and human with them.
    I agree with this. My parents were (and are) very religious and strict. I was grounded for an entire summer when they found out (by finding and reading personal letters of mine) that I had lost my virginity. I was also banned from going to my junior prom because of it. Bad enough for me...but I was going with a friend who was a senior. Them forbidding it a cpl weeks before prom meant that he missed out on his SENIOR prom, which was completely unfair. (BTW....he was just a friend and I had never so much as kissed him or had any intention of it. And they knew that)

    If they had been more open minded and less strict, I wouldnt have felt as much pressure to rebel. And I would have felt like I could talk honestly with them, which I have never been able to do.

    So IMO, you should tell her eventually. Whenever you feel is appropriate and she can handle it. Esp. since it sounds like even your own sister will be putting ideas in her head about how evil and horrible dancers are.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    I wouldn't start telling them about it from early childhood. Not because it's shameful, but because some things are just to complex and, well, adult for a child to understand. I would just raise them to be really accepting of other lifestyles, and when they do start becoming aware of strippers and other sex workers, I would stop them from saying nasty and judgemental things and remind them the importance of being tolerant of other people's personal lifestyle choices and not to judge. By the time they're grown up, I wouldn't keep it a secret anymore. I think it's important to lay a good foundation first.
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    As Katherine Hepburn put it so eloquently " Nature is what we were put here to rise above"

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Don't be upfront about it, but mentally prepair for the possibility. If your family is that offended they'll tell the kids just to cause you problems and make sure they don't "turn out like you". I speak from personal experience. The bartending story was great till my mother found out and made a huge thing of it. How do you explain it to kids? They don't think in unpoluted ways yet.
    If/when the truth comes out just turn on MTV and say that thats what you did, kids don't normally think sex unless they are taught to. Ballet used to be controversial also, now it's mainstream.
    Also, quit borrowing trouble. Why stress the if/whens when your still pregnant? Worry about what you need to, weather or not your nursery is filled, how your going to deal with the first sniffle and colic, wich diapers are superior, and what your going to do when your milk comes in so bad you cant feed the kid.
    good luck!

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    Senior Member Evan86's Avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Quote Originally Posted by Blue_Dust_Bunny View Post
    I agree with Lisa. A lot of the other comments mention that children may become devestated to know that their parents led deviant lives - but if you're the one that exposes them to the facts (the real facts and not just a sermon on why it is wrong) then I feel like you would be a closer, more in control parent. Especially since you are expecting a daughter - she will probably feel like she can trust you since she knows you've gone through experiences (how to handle men, how to accept her body, etc., etc.)

    My parents followed the complete opposite route - they also backed up their stances with God and religion - you should not have sex because its evil, you shouldn't think about certain things because they are evil, certain people like gays and dancers are evil, etc., etc. I can tell you, as soon as I started distrusting religion (around 11 or 12 years of age) I stopped considering them as people I could get advice from. If they had just been human and real about why they thought the way they thought than I could have been real and human with them.

    As for when, that I have no idea about. Like Lisa said, the best way would be putting it simple without any details. If they have questions, answer them. I also suggest not waiting too long - because the longer you wait for the occasion to rise the more pressure you might put on the moment (I feel like thats what happens with the bird and bees thing - parents wait until their children are teenagers when in fact the concept should have been introduced earlier when their bodies first started changing)

    I'm not a parent though, and I know that makes all the difference
    I tell them that I work at a bar (not a lie). They do not need to know what I do.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    I haven't told mine, perhaps I will tell her when she is an adult, maybe not. I'll make my decision at that time. There may be people who would bring it up, and I'd rather her hear it from me than them.

    Presently I tell her I am a bartender. She asked me straight out what I did after many years of her just knowing I went to work at night.

    She even asked me to come to her school for career day. I told her other parents may be angry if I went to the school and spoke about alcohol to their children. She thought that was hilarious, and that was the end of the conversation.

    Somehow, she knows what a stripper is (I'm not sure how that happened but whatever) but I wouldn't admit to it. Knowing my daughter, she would announce it in the middle of the supermarket one day. I could see it now, she hears music playing and says "Mommy, do you dance to this song on the stage?", voice at full volume.

    Grade schoolers haven't yet learned discretion. Plus I do agree that being honest with kids is inportant, at the same time they only need to know certain information that is appropriate for their age group.
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    I think it would be inappropriate to disclose that part of your life to a child. However, once they are nearing the end of high school or starting college (depending on your relationship and their maturity) I don't think it would be inappropriate to discuss it with them if it was needed. If they always had unanswered questions about how you purchased lavish gifts for them on Christmas and how you could afford to pay the bills on a cocktail waitress' salary, then you might want to fess up so that there are no white lies floating around. You have to keep in mind that your children might not necessarily want to know what you did in the past, so you should really be conscious of this when deciding if it is right to tell them.

    I think honesty is the best policy, but there is such a thing as a reasonable right to privacy.
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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Well, I dont have kids, but when I decided to start dancing (at age 18-19), i discussed it with my mother (i knew she was open minded, so...)...and guess what...she told me she used to dance. I was not shocked and i did not judge her for it. if anything, i thought 'oh, cool'.

    yes, kids idolize their parents and info should be given at age appropriate times, but...

    one of the best things you can do is be honest with your kids...including telling them you made mistakes, etc. if you dont want your kids to do drugs, but you did them..dont say you never did them. say you did them but that it was a mistake.

    it made a huge difference having my mother be honest with me. as i became a teen, knwoing she had done stuff, some of which she was proud of, and some that she wasn't helped me realize it was ok to make mistakes as long as i learned from them.

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    Default Re: What do you tell your kids?

    Thank you so much everyone for your input. I don't think I''l ever be dancing again (I'm 34), and I wasn't planning on or feeling like I need to tell her when she's little. I was thinking more about, what if for some reason she decided to do it herself someday..I wouldn't want her to go about it blindly, but would want to make sure she did it with a good head on her shoulders. Stripping is so mainstream now, I can't imagine how it will be perceived in twenty years in society. I guess as someone who's been there I would want to set her straight if she has any misconceptions.
    There are so many things I wish my mom had been honest with me about, I feel like I would have made less stupid mistakes myself if she had. I want to be respectful and honest with my own daughter. I was just trying to get some input from people who might have been there. Thanks!
    The reason I'm asking now is because by the time she's old enough I don't know if I'll be looking at this site anymore, but I can think of no better people to get advice from.

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