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Thread: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

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    Featured Member LilSweetVixen's Avatar
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    Default Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    The sexual double standard has bugged me for many years. I got branded the school slut because of it. I was a virgin until age 22 because of it. I got my heart stepped on with my first boyfriend because of it. A stranger who raped me in a parking lot got away and I was accused by the police of making it up because of it (my friend was the witness so it was believed that I was making it up to avoid my friend thinking I was being a "slut"). I have battled hatred of people and a crippling feeling of inferiority and alienation in relation to other people, especially other black people, because of it.

    I'm 26 and have slept with 13 people. That's already a LOT of people. Most women by the time they are married have had sex with about 5 or 6 people.

    I fear that no one will want to marry me if I keep on like this. I will eventually have to hunt on the internet for Mr. Right and it may be a very demoralizing process to keep getting dumped once this issue comes up. (Or keep sleeping with people and THEN getting dumped).

    I don't want to conform, especially to that which I hate, but I'm also tired of feeling like I'm fighting the entire world. It seems like there's no society or subculture where this isn't supported to some extent. Can I be all alone in this?

    I've thought about relocating to Latin America in the hopes that it's not as prevalent there, but that seems like a pipe dream. It could actually be way worse there.

    Should I quit while I'm ahead? Should I start looking for Mr. Right? Or should I continue being true to myself and continue fighting?

    "You have demonic genius" -Naomi Wolf
    "I very much resent it when people - maybe with good intentions or from a progressive point of view - keep telling me, 'It's their culture' ... It's like saying the culture of Massachusetts is burning witches." -Azar Nafisi


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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Ok, I am going to lay it all out there.

    I started having sex when I was 15. I had one boyfriend in high school. Now I am 27, and have been with 20 people. Now that's only an average of 1.6 per year, but this year after my ex and I broke up, I slammed out six of them.

    Why? Because I wanted to. And I was safe about it. As long as you are safe, who gives a fuck what anyone thinks. It really isn't any of their business.

    Why is marriage such a priority to you? You're 26, and likely smoking hot- te right guy will come to you.

    The best piece of advice I ever got was from my father: "Only you have to go to bed with yourself at the end of the night. Don't ever do anything you can't go to bed with yourself about."

    It makes a lot of sense. Only YOU should matter to YOU.

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    13 is not a lot.

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    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Quote Originally Posted by LilSweetVixen View Post

    I'm 26 and have slept with 13 people. That's already a LOT of people. Most women by the time they are married have had sex with about 5 or 6 people.

    I fear that no one will want to marry me if I keep on like this. I will eventually have to hunt on the internet for Mr. Right and it may be a very demoralizing process to keep getting dumped once this issue comes up. (Or keep sleeping with people and THEN getting dumped).
    Honestly, I don't think you have to tell people you're dating, even people you're getting serious with, how many people you've slept with. As long as you go into the relationship having been tested and knowing your safe, it's not really pertinent.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vamp View Post
    As Katherine Hepburn put it so eloquently " Nature is what we were put here to rise above"

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    Honestly, I don't think you have to tell people you're dating, even people you're getting serious with, how many people you've slept with. As long as you go into the relationship having been tested and knowing your safe, it's not really pertinent.
    Absolutely agree x10000.

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    God/dess erotictonic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Oh wow, I am sorry you feel this way.

    I don't know how many I've slept with, but I can guarantee you it's more than 13.

    My bf couldn't care less. As long as we are right for each other and I am loyal to him, he doesn't care what I did before. No one does around here, to my knowledge. It's honestly a non-issue when two people meet and they are right for each other.

    I'm glad I escaped the south for that reason, for one. I can't stand uptight people who think it makes a difference how many people you bed. It makes things un-fun. I just can't see why it matters.

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    ive slept with quite a few more than 13. 13 isnt a lot . and it is not a question that should be asked or answered in a relationship anyway.... the usual outcome to discussing the 'how many have you fucked' question is a negative one.

    So fuck it. Or them. Both metaphorically and literally. Go out, have fun, wrap your dick up, and get laid if you want to. No harm done.

    Look at it this way, if you end up with a fair amount of experience under your belt, you will be good in bed.

    And those who have only slept iwht like 5 or 6: remember ,a lot of people are bible thumpers, and a lot of women lie about their numbers. I dont trust those figures. Who knows who they polled? If they went and polled a bunch of people who grew up in the 20s and 30s, then they will probably not have slept with as many people. same if hte demographic they polled contains a lot of young people. or whatever. And it also could include a lot of ppl who got into their first marriage with their high school sweetheart at 18 or 19 and had only slept with him and maybe one other at this point... they coulda then got divorced a yr later and slept with everyone and their brother... but their number would still show up in the 1-3 range. so dont take that statistic as anything more than an arbitrary number.

    And I like what mediocrity's dad said a lot. very wise words.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    I am going to be very honest. The amount of sexual partners my significant other has had IS extremely important to me.

    My number is 4; If my boyfriend said he had sex with 20 people, to me that means that he doesn't place the same value to sex that I do. That isn't knocking him as a person, it just means we have different viewpoints on sex.

    That said, everyone has different viewpoints on how many is too many.

    I think the major factor is being safe, whichever path you choose. There is no reason to feel shame, you just need to love yourself and your choices.

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    Featured Member nicole84's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    a) you dont have to tell your partner how many partners you have had
    b)I just turned 25 and I've slept with more than 2x as many guys as you have (plus over 30 girls)
    c)the sexual double standard is a bitch
    d)i am so sorry for all you have dealt with. how many partners you have had does not need to be one more thing to make you feel bad

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    LilSweetVixen,
    Have you read "Think and Grow Rich" yet?


    I highly recommend it. Rich is not only about money but life.

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    People have already said it, but seriously, as long as these things are true:

    -You are being safe
    -You are emotionally healthy and happy
    -You are being honest to yourself and those you sleep with

    I see ABSOLUTELY no issue.

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    I've thought a lot about this recently.....And to be honest I have mixed feeling about it. On one hand i agree with Athena "and it is not a question that should be asked or answered in a relationship anyway.... the usual outcome to discussing the 'how many have you fucked' question is a negative one." As long as you trust one another and you both are stable minded; and being safe. Then things are fine.

    But on the other hand I also agree with kandie......So I guess its just never a good thing to ask about cause negativity is all your asking for.

    BUT ,to be honest, if for some reason I found out my girlfriend had slept with 25 people before me...It would still do something to me. Thats because of my view point on sex. Being that its a close emotional experience that shouldn't be thrown around; even if you are being safe. That would mean she didnt share my view on sex. But what would that make of our sex, the way I feel about it, what does my feelings of sex mean to her if she doesnt see it the same way...and other insecure thoughts

    I'm still on the fence about this one...I dont know, I can argue both points

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    God/dess Elvia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Quote Originally Posted by kandie_kitten View Post

    My number is 4; If my boyfriend said he had sex with 20 people, to me that means that he doesn't place the same value to sex that I do. That isn't knocking him as a person, it just means we have different viewpoints on sex.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gravity View Post

    BUT ,to be honest, if for some reason I found out my girlfriend had slept with 25 people before me...It would still do something to me. Thats because of my view point on sex. Being that its a close emotional experience that shouldn't be thrown around; even if you are being safe. That would mean she didnt share my view on sex. But what would that make of our sex, the way I feel about it, what does my feelings of it mean to her if she doesnt see it the same way...and other insecure thoughts
    It may tell you something about their past, but it doesn't necessarily tell you anything about who they are now.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vamp View Post
    As Katherine Hepburn put it so eloquently " Nature is what we were put here to rise above"

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    Veteran Member Christyismyalias's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    You should do what makes you happy. Bottom line.
    You only have to answer to yourself at the end of the day. People are ALWAYS going to have something to say, always going to have judgement, and always try and bring others down. You can't let it affect you (even though we all do), just make YOU happy.
    Good luck girl.

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    Featured Member hot4ablackchick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    13 is not a large number to me. 13 would be a lot if you were say, under the age 19, but for a woman in her twenties, that number seems pretty small. Numbers really don't mean anything to me and I wouldn't find it to be an automatic turn off they way I would've when I was younger. The quality of the people slept with means more to me. Yeah most of us have slept with someone we regret or wouldn't have but we were bored/under influence/lonely, but someone who literally just fucks "anybody" and has ZERO standards would be an immediate turn off for me. Also how they treated their SO if they were in a serious relationship would tell me more than a number. Like are they "serial cheaters" or did they stay honest with partners and just simply enjoy themselves sexually.

    I wouldn't place much emphasis on what others or potential partners may think of you. You should feel free to express yourself sexually. You are a grown woman and as long as you are doing so safely, to benefit yourself and sincerely enjoying yourself, NOT doing it to make a guy "love you" or simply grab his attention through sex, and you have an honest knowledge of where your 'relationship' stands with any sexual partners, then I don't see why you should feel guilt, shame, or that you are dirty in any way. Women should be able to have as much sex as they want without feeling so much judgement from society. It is such Bullshit!!!Unfortunately a lot of men usually have a different veiwpoint on sex and it would be ok for them to have 'slept around' and not ok for women, especially their potential wife.

    Also, regardless of the number of sexual partners it can be difficult to find "Mr. Right" I know girls that have slept 2/3 guys and have problems staying in relationships and finding decent men. I wouldn't get all hung up on the nobody will want me if I sleep with too many guys thing, its just not true. If a guy does leave you becuase he thinks you have a high number, he was most likely looking for a reason to bail anyway. In my experience, the guys who are so hung up on a girls number are the biggest whores themselves. My ex was this way, and he fucked ANYTHING he could so go figure. RELAX and do whats best for you.
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    I started having sex when I was 14. I'm 18 now, and I've had sex with 10 people.

    I actually lost my virginity when I was molested during the beginning of my freshman year. After that I went on a wild rampage and I had sex with three people in three weeks. Then I dated the third sex partner for two years, and when we broke up I had sex with 7 more people. The last person I've had sex with is my current boyfriend/the father of my child. My vagina isn't nasty or loose or blown out, and I've had no complaints from the people I've been with. I enjoy having sex (except right now because I'm pregnant) and it only seems natural to me.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    LMAO... as others have said... 13 is NOT a lot. Hun I am 27 and I don't even KNOW my number. But it's WAY over 13, I will tell you that.

    Your past is your past. You don't have to carry the burden of a past you no longer wish to associate with if you don't want to. The reason I don't know my number is I once was a serious alcoholic and have had many, many blackout nights, some nights I am fairly sure I let someone fuck me and I don't even know who. That hurt.. it hurt for a long time but I did therapy and I forgave myself at about a year ago I chose to change my ways. I quit drinking and vowed to respect my body and only share it with men that I LOVE from now on. I've slept with two men since then, one was a beautiful romantic fling I shared with a sweet Israeli boy while backpacking in Laos, and the other is my current man who I care very deeply about and see a future with. He has never asked me to tell him my number and he doesn't judge me for my past. He has a past too-and any man who wouldn't want to marry you because of how many men you've been with before has some real issues, IMO. Wouldn't be the type I'd be interested in partnering with anyway.

    I understand the double standard and I understand how much it can hurt, trust me. I was passed around by 5 men at a party (while I was nearly incoherent and blacked out on alcohol and ecstasy) who traded off and fucked (some might say, RAPED) me until I was covered in bruises and bleeding down there. I woke up the next morning with hickies and bite marks all over my body and could barely walk and then I WAS BRANDED the "slut" (these were mostly people I knew from work, believe it or not). I had to work hard in therapy to get over that one. I couldn't really press charges against them or anything because even though they very obviously took advantage of me, technically I was too fucked up to fight them or try and stop it so they said it was consensual.

    All through high school I was also labeled a "slut" even though I didn't lose my virginity til 17 and only once, with one boy. I never had sex again after that until I was 18 and met my ex fiance who I was with 4 years. Other jealous women will always judge and always call us sluts. It doesn't matter, don't let it get to you.

    At some point I realized I had to let go of what other people think and do whatever makes me happy. Many people would label me sick or a slut for stripping too. I don't care anymore. I'm happy and have worked hard to love and appreciate who I am. I live my life by my own rules and anyone who doesn't like it can go fuck themselves. Stop caring what other people think and live the way that makes you happy, it's all you gotta do.



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    God/dess JayATee's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    I was branded the school slut as well and I took it as a compliment. I was new to the school. I had no friends. Some of the guys wanted to date me and it pissed off the girls so they started a rumour that I had given some guy a blow job in the bathroom or something like that and I was supposed to be all mortified and hurt and blah blah blah. I never dated high school guys. EVER. The whole thing was absurd. Know what my response was when I was asked about it? "I hope it was good!" I didn't want ppl walking arnd talking about how it was the worst blow job ever. I mean come on! Make it a good rumour! I wanna hear that Im the fucking queen of blow jobs! And that's been my attitude since. I could've hidden. I could've let them win. But why??

    It's no ones business but your own who you've been with and what you've done. Ppl that put you down for this stuff are most likely trying to make themselves feel better about what THEY'VE done and it has nothing at all to do with you. My husband and I both feel that it's neither of our business what the other has done. I didn't want to know his "number", he didn't want to know mine. What I did before I met him is irrelevant (and vice versa). A healthy relationship isn't based on the past, it's the future that matters. If someone can't handle you bc of your past they're the wrong person for you.

    Do what you want, when you want and fuck anyone that has a problem with it. Conforming to someone else's standards is bs. As long as you're safe and happy who cares? Remember, you don't own your reputation, only your character. As long as you're true to yourself, tell everyone else to go to hell. And do it in a sickeningly sweet tone of voice with a dazzling smile on your face!
    Sorry I missed church. I was too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    What we're seeing here is simply the diversity of people's opinions on the meaning of sex. For me, sex doesn't really mean that much emotionally. If I have a strong emotional connection with the person, then our sex will be emotional and meaningful. If not, then its just physical consummation.

    Its hard to change these deep seated beliefs about people, but I think we could all use some empathy to the other side. For example, if you're freaking out about numbers, chill out a big and stop putting the pussy on a pedestool. For those like me who don't care, we need to be careful how we outwardly project those feelings on our loved ones, let them know we care and value their belief.

    Ultimately, to the OP, honey. I think you've internalized this double standard for yourself. Who, on what great moral authority, says you have to feel guilty for your sexual past. I understand, the rape has a great deal to do with this. Have you been seeing a therapist to discuss your issue? PTSD can carry on for years, it ebbs and flows. I'm still suffering from it after an assault by someone I loved. Best of look to you in the healing process.

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Quote Originally Posted by JayATee View Post
    Remember, you don't own your reputation, only your character. As long as you're true to yourself, tell everyone else to go to hell. And do it in a sickeningly sweet tone of voice with a dazzling smile on your face!
    This is beautiful. Thank you!

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Quote Originally Posted by Elvia View Post
    It may tell you something about their past, but it doesn't necessarily tell you anything about who they are now.
    This is absolutely true, but for me at least, I believe a person's past does have a great deal in building who they are today. They may regret their actions from the past and have completely changed, or not.

    For me, if a prospective partner had crazy amounts of sex when he was young, but now only has sex when with a very serious, committed partner...I would still feel that we have very different perspectives on intimacy and sex due to his experiences previously.

    It wouldn't make me think he's a bad person or anything, just that we may not be compatible for one another due to what we each bring to the table. He may think I'm too much of a prude, I may think he doesn't take sex seriously, varying levels of insecurity, etc.

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    My ex had slept with 53 women before me. (he's about 8 yrs older than I) Know what I got for that? Best sex of my life! All that practice did some good.

    Seriously though, I used to feel the same guilt. I used to feel dirty for getting around so much. (I passed 13 quite a while ago lol) And when I count sex partners, I don't count rape/molestation, cause I had no control and did not make the decision to have sex. Doesn't count.

    Finally I just thought about it and looked back on every situation and asked myself if it was something I wanted at the time and if I at least was smart enough to be safe. Yes to both, so I just relaxed. You're only young once and you're also only human. Sex is a completely natural thing. Our bodies are physically built for the purpose of procreation, and we have the hormones and pheromones that tell us when it's time to try to mate. Nothing wrong with just going with the flow.

    If it feels good, you're safe, and no one's getting hurt, then go for it. Don't feel ashamed; it's wasted energy. And never, NEVER look for a man. Guaranteed way to never find a good one. Let it happen on it's own time.

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Quote Originally Posted by LilSweetVixen View Post
    I'm 26 and have slept with 13 people. That's already a LOT of people. Most women by the time they are married have had sex with about 5 or 6 people.

    I fear that no one will want to marry me if I keep on like this. I will eventually have to hunt on the internet for Mr. Right and it may be a very demoralizing process to keep getting dumped once this issue comes up. (Or keep sleeping with people and THEN getting dumped).
    First of all, I don't think that 13 people by age 26 is a lot of people. Most of my friends have slept with many more than that and they aren't considered "sluts" or "trampy".
    (One of my friends, Harvard grad, finishing med school now, will be nuero surgeon has been with 50+ people. When we go out, she tells me, the stripper, that I'm timid about approaching guys!)

    I first had sex when I was 19 and have been with, well, loads more than 13 people since then. I am 28 now. I've had 5 serious relationships (2 were on the marriage track before I thankfully got out) and loads of shorter-term relationships that make up the bulk of the people that I have been with. And I've had a fair amount of short flings as well.

    Would you really want to date and/or be with a guy who is going to judge you based on how many or how few people you have been with? That doesn't sound like Mr. Right at all.

    If people are going to judge you based on one aspect of your life, why waste your time trying to prove you are more than just that one aspect/trait/experience? Don't let other people determine your worth.

    (And the police not believing that you were raped? That is seriously fucked up. Hopefully they are no longer cops.)
    "Punk's not dead."

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    13 is a lot? *_*
    I must be a whooore.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Default Re: Sexual Double Standard, should I call it quits?

    Quote Originally Posted by DesuvsDeath View Post
    13 is a lot? *_*
    I must be a whooore.
    Same here. I won't divulge my number... but its considerably more than 13.
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