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Thread: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

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    Senior Member TeaganDarling's Avatar
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    Default OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    I hesitated posting this given the amount of shame and humiliation associated with it. I searched old posts about it but wanted to expand on it a bit.

    I left work early at 11:30 tonight with $54. For the record, that is the least I have made in years. On average, a bad night is typically in the $200 range.

    The reason I did so badly tonight isn't a mystery. In fact, I knew that I would do badly since I woke up this morning and no amount of encouragement or pep talks to myself could change my mind. I spent a large amount of my shift in the dressing room, avoided men despite their obvious interest in me, lurked in the darker areas of my club and even had the DJ move me to 'standby' from the stage rotation. This is unheard of in my club as a good chunk of my income comes from stage (anywhere from 25% - 50%), the large number of girls typically working and that there is only 20 girls permitted on the list and the only hope of getting from standby to rotation is if enough girls leave (assuming you are anywhere near the top of the standby list).

    All of this insecurity comes from my destructive behavior. I was diagnosed obsessive compulsive from a pretty young age. I am one of those people with categorized and methodically separated everything (you should see my closets). I also obsess over the idea of my house catching on fire when I'm not home. I have no idea where that fear would come from but I check the outlets and kitchen appliances 3 times to make sure everything is off before leaving. I lock the door (both locks) and then unlock to make another check. Depending on my paranoia that day, there is a 50/50 chance I will turn around and drive back to the house to check again. OCD is commonly one of several obsessive disorders. On top of that I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (targeted mostly at my breasts) and Dermatillomania; aka Compulsive Skin Picking which is also targeted at my breasts.

    I guess you could say I had a relapse and a pretty severe one at that. What I am starting to notice is intimacy seems to be an issue, not just sex but actual emotional intimacy. I remember my ex being infuriated and yelling things like "I can't believe you would do that to yourself. You have beautiful skin and you mutilate it". I also remember my ex before that having the same frustrations. Recently I started seeing someone new hoping it wouldn't last past 'casual' but feelings are starting to creep in for both of us. When I'm single I can usually catch & stop myself before going too far. I could literally go on and on about possible origination and triggers of it but that's better left for individual therapy.

    The other night I went to town on my skin and could not bring myself to stop until I had gutted every pore I could see. Sadly, this is not the first time. This is the best example of what the usual outcome is that I could find (not me) but with scabs and bruises covering both breasts, chest and up to the shoulders.
    http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a4.../chestleft.jpg

    The fact that makeup, no matter how much I apply can cover it combined with the shame and feelings of failure that go along with it, its no surprise that work was impossible. This is actually the first time I have dealt with this at work since my last peak of this I was in a relationship and didn't dance for the majority of it. I already have scars from past episodes that I have always explained was a severe allergic reaction to the girls at work. There's just no hiding it this time.

    I see that several people have mentioned this (or these rather) disorder but couldn't find much on the affect it has on work. Can anybody relate to this? I feel like a mutant in the sea of perfect bodies that I work with. Typically I am not THIS insecure, but this incident sets it off.

    I intend to seek psychological help immediately but in the meantime I have to work, I have to make a living. As much as it probably sounds like an alcoholic asking how to eliminate hangovers, does anyone have any suggestions for rapid healing or masking of it while at work? I use witch hazel normally but since this I have been applying neosporin several times a day. I will also be incorporating ice, cortizone, visine (for redness) and an asprin & toothpaste mask tomorrow.

    I know that is a lot of reading, but I feel just completely humiliated and desperate.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    I read everything you wrote, and I'm actually really glad that you have recognizance and want to get better. I'll be sending you support in spirit. In the meanwhile, do you happen to work in one of the clubs that will allow you to the 'tube roll?' You know how when some girls wear a tube top or a tube dress, they will roll it up/down/or combination thereof, depending on where they want to cover. I knew one girl who had really bad pregnancy stretch marks and loose skin after pregnancy and did the tube roll for about 10 years, but no one cared or asked her about because she was one of the hottest girls in the club otherwise. Instead of a regular tube top though, maybe you could find a stretchy top with off shoulder sleeves or something like that. (I'll try to see if I can find a pic for a visual.)

    As far as makeup, I mean, there is Dermablend, but I wonder if trying to cover it with makeup might irritate your skin further.

    I hope everything gets better for you. Keep your head up.
    Quote Originally Posted by markx View Post
    I'd have to have a "4 simease twin strippers gave me head and then lite themselves on fire" story to blow anybody's mind here.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Quote Originally Posted by Christany View Post
    (I'll try to see if I can find a pic for a visual.)
    Maybe not exactly like this, but you get the drift.

    Off shoulder top
    Quote Originally Posted by markx View Post
    I'd have to have a "4 simease twin strippers gave me head and then lite themselves on fire" story to blow anybody's mind here.

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    Senior Member TeaganDarling's Avatar
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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    That's actually a really good idea. We are pretty unrestricted as far as outfits as long as our bottoms and latex is legal. I'm sure makeup isn't going to help but I have been applying the medicated or pure type products so it doesn't agitate it. I also put neosporin on first so there's some kind of layer between it. Also, washing it off as soon as I get home.

    Thank you for that. I will check out some of the local dancer shops tomorrow.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    get a spray tan or apply SUN self tanner (from Ulta around $30) it must be fake tan
    the color on the top layer of your skin causes a visual interference so the bumps will not be noticable and it will in effect "blend everything together"

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Don't do the aspirin/toothpaste mask!!!

    You've got (essentially) wounds that are trying to heal and that's going to aggravate it.

    Aspirin is Salicylic Acid (which dries out zits, but can mess up an open wound) and the toothpaste thing is not as great as one would think due to newer ingredients. Old School plain toothpaste is the best to use for that.

    Get a soothing something. Vitamin E Oil would be great for that. I'm a little concerned about a self tanner until the scabs/wound has healed. It might be better to use the Sally Hansen body makeup as that will wash off at the end of the night, also it's not putting chemicals that change the top layer of the skin.


    Try wearing something that covers up the area. I've seen all sorts of dresses, etc. Anything that could distract from what's going on.

    http://www.snaz75.com/es-4027.html this looks like it would cover the majority of it.

    http://www.snaz75.com/es-4035.html

    http://www.snaz75.com/es-4040.html

    Hope this helped!

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    Senior Member TeaganDarling's Avatar
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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    ^^Thank you for that! I was just about to run to the store. I'm getting desperate and that tends to backfire on me. Come to think of it, the Sally Hansen airbrush spray is a great idea. I forgot the girls in Austin used that a lot and it typically stayed if they let it dry well. Thanks again. Hopefully I won't find myself in this situation again :/

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    A fishnet shirt like this would work well too:
    https://howcool.com/catalog/product_...ywords=fishnet

    I don't have DTM (Although I do have problems with TTM which I'll get to in a moment) but I have had problems with excema and skin allergies throughout my life. I tend to pick at my breakouts compulsively too, so they end up spreading and getting very aggravated like what you are describing. I've found that hydrocortisone cream is helpful as it helps to heal and also keeps the itching/burning down so I don't feel compelled to pick at it more. Calamine lotion or an oatmeal bath could help you too. I also recommend (if you don't already) taking a break from scented/girly skin products and switching to a brand like Aveeno that won't irritate the scabs further.

    As far as the shame and humiliation, I totally, 100% sympathize with you. Like I said above, I suffer from TTM, which is the same disorder except that it manifests by compulsively pulling out hair. I went through a horrible period of my life where my TTM was totally out of control, like straight through from about ages 13-17. (I think the stress of adolescence was a trigger for me, for TTM and other bad habits) I would just sit there and constantly pull hair out of the top of my head. I had noticeable bald spots and scruffy patches where it was growing back in. I would always be messing with my part to try and hide it, and have to make up lies like "I burned it off with my flatiron on accident". I have it more under control now but I still catch myself absentmindedly picking at the top of my head all the time. I even have nerve damage as a result of it.

    I'm not really sure what kind of advice to offer with regards to your situation. It sounds to me like the best plan for you would be to take an extended break from men while you seek help. But if you are starting to get serious with someone then I guess that option is out . Is your new guy aware of your issue? If not it might help to be able to communicate about it.

    I really hope you can find a way to cope with it! I've been there before and I know how painful it can be.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Oh baby.

    I can't offer any suggestions for makeup etc, but I can relate on the Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I wasn't going to say anything but I feel like it will make you feel better to know someone else feels the same way.

    I ALWAYS feel like I am the biggest girl in the club. I work with a lot of 5'0", 100lb girls. I am 5'8" and change and about 130lbs currently. I am working on losing 15lbs. I know it's ridiculous. If a guy tells me I look "healthy" I take it to mean "thick" which I take to mean "fat". As a matter of fact, I once slapped a guy for calling me thick. I love my breasts, but I hate my thighs and ass and stand in front of the mirror, holding the skin back etc wishing they were smaller.

    Fortunately, I don't have the discipline to be anorexic, and love my teeth too much (plus hate puking) to be bulimic. But I do look in the mirror sometimes and moo at myself, which sounds hilarious but is kind of stupid. I also get down a lot because men always tell me they love "tiny" girls. I'm like great, no one likes the fucking Jolly Green Giant.

    It all stems from my mother who will pat me in the stomach and say things like "Getting a little, um, ROUND are we?" et al ( I am 34-25-36). That was the least of her mental abuse she put/puts me through... I always say if I wouldn't have had my father I would have come out of that pretty severely fucked up.

    I have my good days and my bad days. I am not trying to make this post about me, I just want you to know, you aren't alone. I try and remember that what I see in the mirror is not what other people see, and that I wouldn't have been hired at the clubs I have been if I didn't meet their standards.

    I would say wash the wounds very gently with unscented antibacterial soap every day, and keep on with the thin layer of polysporin.

    I am sending mad hugs and love your way. Feel better.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    I really think you should stay away from spray tan and make up. It will slow down the healing time and incourage scaring. Skin needs to breath to heal and function normally. I second the fishnet top/ dress idea. We have girls at my club who wear them to hide scars from botched breast surgeries to bad chest acne. They just wear a triangle top underneath and pull it off on stage while leaving the fishnet top on. It works amazingly well.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    I'm not a dancer. I would love to be though. I am working up the courage to audition. Since I am not a dancer, I know I am not supposed to write on this board. Sorry. However, I wanted to write because I also suffer from light DTM and heavy heavy TTM and I thought maybe by knowing you are not alone, you may feel better. I can relate to the feelings of shame and humiliation. I pull my eyelashes, eyebrows and head hair and my mother used to tell me I "might as well shoot heroin since I want to destroy my body." All I can say is don't listen to other people's negative comments. Also, surprisingly enough, people don't notice when I pull or pick nearly as much as I always think they do. In over 10 years of dealing with this, I have only been rudely confronted 3 times. So, I guess my point is, (in my case) I'm so ashamed of myself that my pulling is all I can think about and I'm 100% sure it's the first thing someone notices when they see me, when in reality, very few people notice at all. So I just want to encourage you to keep your confidence up and no matter what your skin looks like, be confident and know you are beautiful (because you definitely are!). When you repeat this enough, you will believe it eventually no matter what. Good luck!

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Thank you guys so much. Its good to know I'm not alone on this, or obsessive behaviors in general. Especially when it usually isolates me.

    Last night work was.. better. The Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs was a life saver. I put it on over a layer of antibiotic ointment and it covered really really well and didn't rub off on customers. I feel like I'm having to work myself back into the game. It was such a huge blow to my confidence, not just because of appearance but because of the feeling of failure. I don't know. I hate putting in this many hours and making considerably less but I did better last night than I had the night before and I am hopeful tonight will be better than the last. Guess I need to head over to hustle hut and try to get in the zone.

    Again, thank you for offering help and experience and mostly for the non judgement. I am so glad this site exists.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    I'm glad you found something that works for you. You are a little hottie, I hope you make lots of money tonight!

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Oh yeah, total recovering skin picker here. I use the site stoppickingonme.com for support (http://www.stoppickingonme.com/bb/), and am on both spironolactone/birth control to prevent breakouts (which I tend to massively exacerbate).

    I used to skip days of work all of the time, or even go home 2 hours into my shift, just because I couldn't stand for people to have to look at me. I only pick at facial acne, though...nowhere else (though sometimes I freak out on ingrown hairs).

    My best advice to you is to treat this destructive behavior as an addiction that is never okay (i.e. you can never have a 'normal' picking session, because you're addicted to it). And avoid your triggers. If you know that you'll start picking if you see yourself in a mirror with certain lighting, then keep yourself away from that (et cetera).

    I can assure you that you are not alone. Most of us are very good at hiding our problems.

    Immediately after picking, I'd recommend using grapeseed oil. It helps stop oozing (but use this as something you sleep with on--obviously you can't wear it to work). Aside from that...prevention, prevention, prevention.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Have you ever given any thought to Mederma? Would that be an option for you to use while you're not working? I don't know if there's any scarring involved, but if there is, you might want to consider it. You should be able to purchase Mederma at any Wal-Mart on an OTC basis.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Hmmmmmmm maybe wash the areas with dove soap, then witch hazel. Try pure vitamin E oil and Arnica gel for the bumps and redness.

    I hear you on seeing a mental health pro. Took me nearly four years, two relationships, and two jobs to finally seek treatment for PTSD.

    Next time you feel like it is coming on. Visit us here. Custies like me are always good for pointing out how hot you are, and the Ladies are good with comfort and encouragement.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    (((TeaganDarling)))

    First of all, hugs to you. You are very brave to post about this here and you deserve so much credit for sharing your story. Also, you are not alone in this type of issue. It is a lot more common than you think.

    Personally, I have battled with hair pulling throughout my life.
    Periodically, I will go through spells where I will pluck one hair at a time, usually from my bangs/hairline area. I would obsess if there were any stray hairs sticking up and pluck them. Finally I realized I was actually plucking enough that I noticed it. The hair would grow back in and be short and straight/spiky so the rest of my hair/bangs wouldn't lay right and it looked weird.

    I never plucked from the sides or back, just the front/bangs.

    Over the past 6 months or so it has gotten a lot better. When I feel the urge or find myself looking in the mirror (I used to do it mostly in the car while driving) looking for stray hairs, I distract myself by doing something else, i.e. going on the computer, calling a friend, walking my dogs.

    I confided my hair pulling compulsion to a close friend, who shared that she used to pluck out her EYELASHES one by one until her eyes would be swollen!!! Once one of the follicles got infected and she ended up in the emergency room with her eye swollen shut. While I felt badly that she had gone through that, it helped me to know I wasn't alone.

    So just know that you are not alone, and that you will get through this.
    Take care of yourself, and definitely try some of the holistic remedies - oils and such. Emu oil is also a great healer for the skin!

    Best of luck to you!
    "The winds of Heaven are those which blow between a horse's ears."
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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Seriously, Your hot hot, have a maragrita and relax. Easier to find our flaws than our strengths. Keep on keepin on.


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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    I do that to my arms sometimes, when I'm stressed out and usually feel quite ashamed afterwards so i know how you feel. The redness and swelling does take some time to return to normal. Because it's my arms I'm able to wear a short bolero type jacket/top which is basically a pair of sleeves joined together. I don't take it off at all. I would think a peek-a boo type top that allows you to show the good parts but still keep covered is a better option than make-up which doesn't work so well if you have weepyness from the sores.
    Hang in there and hugs

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    Oh baby.

    I can't offer any suggestions for makeup etc, but I can relate on the Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I wasn't going to say anything but I feel like it will make you feel better to know someone else feels the same way.

    I ALWAYS feel like I am the biggest girl in the club. I work with a lot of 5'0", 100lb girls. I am 5'8" and change and about 130lbs currently. I am working on losing 15lbs. I know it's ridiculous. If a guy tells me I look "healthy" I take it to mean "thick" which I take to mean "fat". As a matter of fact, I once slapped a guy for calling me thick. I love my breasts, but I hate my thighs and ass and stand in front of the mirror, holding the skin back etc wishing they were smaller.

    Fortunately, I don't have the discipline to be anorexic, and love my teeth too much (plus hate puking) to be bulimic. But I do look in the mirror sometimes and moo at myself, which sounds hilarious but is kind of stupid. I also get down a lot because men always tell me they love "tiny" girls. I'm like great, no one likes the fucking Jolly Green Giant.

    It all stems from my mother who will pat me in the stomach and say things like "Getting a little, um, ROUND are we?" et al ( I am 34-25-36). That was the least of her mental abuse she put/puts me through... I always say if I wouldn't have had my father I would have come out of that pretty severely fucked up.

    I have my good days and my bad days. I am not trying to make this post about me, I just want you to know, you aren't alone. I try and remember that what I see in the mirror is not what other people see, and that I wouldn't have been hired at the clubs I have been if I didn't meet their standards.

    I would say wash the wounds very gently with unscented antibacterial soap every day, and keep on with the thin layer of polysporin.

    I am sending mad hugs and love your way. Feel better.
    I totally appreciate and relate to a lot of things you said in this reply but I really want to kick you in the [faux] nuts for this sentence: Fortunately, I don't have the discipline to be anorexic, and love my teeth too much (plus hate puking) to be bulimic.

    Sorry but eating disorders aren't about vanity.
    Blahhh I think I'll just stop there for now because if I wrote everything I want to say I'm sure I'd be dubbed Miss Dramarama, but please, never say something as ignorant as that statement again.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    ^^ I know, I'm not saying they are about vanity. I'm just saying that as a teen, I tried and didn't have the discipline, and the fear of puking is enough to keep me in check.

    I am not in any way discouting the emotional reasoning behind eating disorders.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Not to thread jack, but anorexia definitely has something to do with vanity. Control and vanity. Image. Everyone else is chowing down on brownies, but I have the control to turn them down. I'm not saying it always does...but there is definitely a correlation there.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    Not to thread jack, but anorexia definitely has something to do with vanity. Control and vanity. Image. Everyone else is chowing down on brownies, but I have the control to turn them down. I'm not saying it always does...but there is definitely a correlation there.

    The 5 different times I've been in eating disorder treatment not ONCE have I ever met a woman (or man) who starved herself or binged and purged so that they can "look good". That's a big myth that the media puts out there to glamorize this bullshit disease that seriously destroys lives. The focus of course is on the weight loss, but that focus is what keeps individuals with eating disorders from having to face the pain of what is the core of their issues.

    But really, do you think I starved myself to this size so I can be beautiful?
    I don't think so.

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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    ^ That's not what I was saying at all. Vanity= interest in one's own image. Everyone has slightly different reasons.

    And yes, I do believe it's likely you starved yourself to that size to change how you looked to yourself in the mirror. Which is image. Which yes, is vanity in a way.

    Obviously it's a more complex issue than that. It isn't 100% about vanity. Obviously.

    -end threadjack-

    ETA: I don't mean that as a persona affront at all. And I wish you continued luck in your recovery (genuinely).

    Many of these issues, like skin picking and anorexia, stem from deeper needs to control oneself. So it's not really a huge threadjack--these issues all seem interrelated (though some are more dangerous than others, of course).

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    Senior Member amaliasnightout's Avatar
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    Default Re: OCD, BDD, Dermatillomania, OH MY!

    Well thank you. I wish I had the words to make my point more clear- but I stand firm in my belief that eating disorders are just as much about vanity as dermatillomania/trichotillomania/etc. --- they aren't at all.

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