I hesitated posting this given the amount of shame and humiliation associated with it. I searched old posts about it but wanted to expand on it a bit.
I left work early at 11:30 tonight with $54. For the record, that is the least I have made in years. On average, a bad night is typically in the $200 range.
The reason I did so badly tonight isn't a mystery. In fact, I knew that I would do badly since I woke up this morning and no amount of encouragement or pep talks to myself could change my mind. I spent a large amount of my shift in the dressing room, avoided men despite their obvious interest in me, lurked in the darker areas of my club and even had the DJ move me to 'standby' from the stage rotation. This is unheard of in my club as a good chunk of my income comes from stage (anywhere from 25% - 50%), the large number of girls typically working and that there is only 20 girls permitted on the list and the only hope of getting from standby to rotation is if enough girls leave (assuming you are anywhere near the top of the standby list).
All of this insecurity comes from my destructive behavior. I was diagnosed obsessive compulsive from a pretty young age. I am one of those people with categorized and methodically separated everything (you should see my closets). I also obsess over the idea of my house catching on fire when I'm not home. I have no idea where that fear would come from but I check the outlets and kitchen appliances 3 times to make sure everything is off before leaving. I lock the door (both locks) and then unlock to make another check. Depending on my paranoia that day, there is a 50/50 chance I will turn around and drive back to the house to check again. OCD is commonly one of several obsessive disorders. On top of that I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (targeted mostly at my breasts) and Dermatillomania; aka Compulsive Skin Picking which is also targeted at my breasts.
I guess you could say I had a relapse and a pretty severe one at that. What I am starting to notice is intimacy seems to be an issue, not just sex but actual emotional intimacy. I remember my ex being infuriated and yelling things like "I can't believe you would do that to yourself. You have beautiful skin and you mutilate it". I also remember my ex before that having the same frustrations. Recently I started seeing someone new hoping it wouldn't last past 'casual' but feelings are starting to creep in for both of us. When I'm single I can usually catch & stop myself before going too far. I could literally go on and on about possible origination and triggers of it but that's better left for individual therapy.
The other night I went to town on my skin and could not bring myself to stop until I had gutted every pore I could see. Sadly, this is not the first time. This is the best example of what the usual outcome is that I could find (not me) but with scabs and bruises covering both breasts, chest and up to the shoulders.
http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a4.../chestleft.jpg
The fact that makeup, no matter how much I apply can cover it combined with the shame and feelings of failure that go along with it, its no surprise that work was impossible. This is actually the first time I have dealt with this at work since my last peak of this I was in a relationship and didn't dance for the majority of it. I already have scars from past episodes that I have always explained was a severe allergic reaction to the girls at work. There's just no hiding it this time.
I see that several people have mentioned this (or these rather) disorder but couldn't find much on the affect it has on work. Can anybody relate to this? I feel like a mutant in the sea of perfect bodies that I work with. Typically I am not THIS insecure, but this incident sets it off.
I intend to seek psychological help immediately but in the meantime I have to work, I have to make a living. As much as it probably sounds like an alcoholic asking how to eliminate hangovers, does anyone have any suggestions for rapid healing or masking of it while at work? I use witch hazel normally but since this I have been applying neosporin several times a day. I will also be incorporating ice, cortizone, visine (for redness) and an asprin & toothpaste mask tomorrow.
I know that is a lot of reading, but I feel just completely humiliated and desperate.



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. Is your new guy aware of your issue? If not it might help to be able to communicate about it.



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