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Thread: Unapproachable...why?

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    Default Unapproachable...why?

    So I've been told pretty often that I put out a certain vibe about being unapproachable. Not just in SCs, but in life, in general. But it's obviously the SC environment I'm trying to figure out.

    I'm a middle-aged, big guy (think football middle-linebacker) with a ponytail and beard. I always dress nicely, no jeans or shorts with a clean button down shirt. I'm educated (yes, formally with a PhD) and can carry on a meaningful conversation. I'm very well-traveled, both in the US and internationally. I drink only in moderation. And I'm not a slob.

    Most of my current and long-lost ATFs have told me that they had to muster up the courage to approach me the very first time we met because of "the vibe" I apparently give off. But after that ice is broken, they usually understand the kind of person I think I really am (kind, compassionate, warm, generous, sincere, non-judgmental, non-delusional, teddy bear). If we, the customers, are supposed to keep an open mind about differences we perceive or assume to see in dancers, why can't we expect the same consideration from the dancers? Apparently I look like a drug-addicted, Harley-riding, bad-ass, all of which couldn't be further from the truth.

    I am admittedly a little shy (not in a PL kind of way). But I'm honestly trying to figure out how to shake this unapproachability issue. Any advice?

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    Veteran Member Christyismyalias's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    In my experience, the Harley-riding badass guys are usually really great, nice men. But to some, there is a stereotype that goes along with it and people may steer clear. Also, in the club, it seems most girls gravitate towards the suit wearing business types, and ignore everyone else.. Though for me, some of my most difficult customers have been these guys, so I talk to everyone I try not to stereotype or have preconceived notions in the club, because people ALWAYS surprise you. But we all do it, and mostly to shield ourselves we stay away from people who fit the mold of what we have been let down by before.. Does that make sense? Maybe many girls have had bad experiences with guys that fit your profile? Or they don't think you have any money.. to be blunt!

    I understand what your saying about being shy and that can come across as having an attitude. I'm that way outside of work and people have told me as well I am unapproachable.

    Just try and be aware of the vibe you are putting off. Try to smile more and be friendlier, maybe that will help. You may have to make a conscious effort with it, as I did at first, just try not to be fake! lol I'm sorry. I'm not the best at advice and putting things into words, but I tried!
    Last edited by Christyismyalias; 12-11-2009 at 12:08 PM.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    act like you want to talk to them, dont just sit there and stare into space and then when a girl u like walks by smile or motion for her to come over and just talk. it is the small talk that will get you into the game better. trust me by sitting there and no talking or looking like u are bored will not make any one come over to talk to you

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by yknought View Post
    So I've been told pretty often that I put out a certain vibe about being unapproachable. Not just in SCs, but in life, in general. But it's obviously the SC environment I'm trying to figure out.

    I'm a middle-aged, big guy (think football middle-linebacker) with a ponytail and beard. I always dress nicely, no jeans or shorts with a clean button down shirt. I'm educated (yes, formally with a PhD) and can carry on a meaningful conversation. I'm very well-traveled, both in the US and internationally. I drink only in moderation. And I'm not a slob.

    Most of my current and long-lost ATFs have told me that they had to muster up the courage to approach me the very first time we met because of "the vibe" I apparently give off. But after that ice is broken, they usually understand the kind of person I think I really am (kind, compassionate, warm, generous, sincere, non-judgmental, non-delusional, teddy bear). If we, the customers, are supposed to keep an open mind about differences we perceive or assume to see in dancers, why can't we expect the same consideration from the dancers? Apparently I look like a drug-addicted, Harley-riding, bad-ass, all of which couldn't be further from the truth.

    I am admittedly a little shy (not in a PL kind of way). But I'm honestly trying to figure out how to shake this unapproachability issue. Any advice?

    Don't take this personally. I haven't really seen you but thru your descriptions, as a man I'd think you were the Star Wars, "nerdy" type upon first appearance. Some girls might not be able to relate to those types?

    I personally don't know what I look like to dancers, I've had quite a few different demographics approach me. It was an all white dancers type of club and I'm not "white". One dancer did say to me that she thought "you look like you like it rough". I was sporting a short military type hair cut, not wearing a suit casual clothes, and she was the rock/goth type.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Tape a $100 dollar bill to your forehead, that will make you very approachable. LOL.
    I can do better than you in a two bit fancy house

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Honestly girls probably don't think you have any money. A lot of stupid strippers assume unless a guy is white in a suit with traditionally cut short hair he doesn't have any money. I personally don't believe that stereotype because it seem to me wearing a suit to an SC at night is something a guy who is trying to appear to have money but doesn't would do.

    I am most likely to approach guys who smile or make eye contact with me. If a guy looks angry, like he doesn't want to be there, or super unfriendly and cold I don't appoach him because he looks like too difficult a customer.

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    Veteran Member jannisary's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by yknought View Post
    So I've been told pretty often that I put out a certain vibe about being unapproachable. Not just in SCs, but in life, in general. But it's obviously the SC environment I'm trying to figure out.

    I'm a middle-aged, big guy (think football middle-linebacker) with a ponytail and beard. I always dress nicely, no jeans or shorts with a clean button down shirt. I'm educated (yes, formally with a PhD) and can carry on a meaningful conversation. I'm very well-traveled, both in the US and internationally. I drink only in moderation. And I'm not a slob.
    It could be your body language. Do you smile, do you sit with your arms folded across your chest, etc.. etc. I would think a dancer would be even more hesitant to approach a big man with closed body language than she would a regular sized guy.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by fast tan77 View Post
    Tape a $100 dollar bill to your forehead, that will make you very approachable. LOL.
    Yup, that's what usually draws them to me eventually and keeps them cuming back (did I mention I'm generous?), after they've cracked the code.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by ROGERRABBIT View Post
    Don't take this personally. I haven't really seen you but thru your descriptions, as a man I'd think you were the Star Wars, "nerdy" type upon first appearance. Some girls might not be able to relate to those types?

    I personally don't know what I look like to dancers, I've had quite a few different demographics approach me. It was an all white dancers type of club and I'm not "white". One dancer did say to me that she thought "you look like you like it rough". I was sporting a short military type hair cut, not wearing a suit casual clothes, and she was the rock/goth type.
    I didn't take it personally. But I've really never been accused of the "nerdy" StarWars type. Some have even suggested I look Italian or Greek. Ponytail is short (just over the collar) not long and stringy, beard is closely trimmed (some might say stubbly). These are some of the stereotypes I envision when I think sci-fi geek.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by jannisary View Post
    It could be your body language. Do you smile, do you sit with your arms folded across your chest, etc.. etc. I would think a dancer would be even more hesitant to approach a big man with closed body language than she would a regular sized guy.
    I'm very cognizant of body language. I tend to sit at the bar mostly with a martini and hopefully a good cigar if the club allows smoking. No possibility for arms crossed, etc. Oh, and I don't indulge the cigar until late in the evening so as to not turn off those that don't like the smell of them (but honestly, is there anything sexier than a lady that smokes a cigar?)

    But thanks for the reminder.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Not sure what the problem is. I am 6'1" 205 and very ethnic -Italian looking. I have short hair, clean shavin. Drink Captain n coke and smoke a big cigar. I gota beat-em off with a stick. LOL.

    Has to be your body language or the type of club you are at. Maybe the girls make most of their money on stage and not hustle dances-hang with customers. I go to real local clubs that are basic conversation-vip clubs so the girls will hang with you a lot more.
    I can do better than you in a two bit fancy house

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    Veteran Member Lklucky's Avatar
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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    it's the sitting at the bar "thing". At my club guys who are sitting at the bar signal they are only there to drink; try standing at the bar facing away from the bartender, this should make you look "open" to girls approaching you.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Sitting at the bar, that's it, I promise you. If you can get a place at a table in this club, do so. Its a world of difference.

    Also, another MAJOR issue, for me, is your cigar.**** If a man is smoking a big cigar around me, the smell lingers in my hair and on my body, and its selling much harder for the rest of the night. Plus, the smell of cigar makes me nauseous. I can only take being close to one for a few minutes. And I was a cigarette smoker for 15 years. Just can't handle cigars.

    Other than sitting at the bar and your cigar, I would TOTALLY approach you, even if you have a "standofish" look about you. I love a good challenge. However, sitting at the bar is a strike against you (its hard to do my hustle standing in the middle of the floor while you're in a high barstool) and the cigar would GUARANTEE I would not approach you at all, until it was out.

    ***not all strippers mind the cigar, but its doesn't help.

    Edit to add: I can well tolerate a cigar smoker at a table, because there is a wider distance, and I can sit across from you at the table, whilst you blow the cigar smoke in another direction. In order to hustle you at the bar, I'll have to get in close to you, and bar chairs are close and usually require two people sit facing each other directly to communicate....I wouldn't be able to get away from the smoke. So, really, its both of those things that are causing your problem..I would wager.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by KiwiStrawberry Splenda View Post
    Sitting at the bar, that's it, I promise you. If you can get a place at a table in this club, do so. Its a world of difference.

    Also, another MAJOR issue, for me, is your cigar.**** If a man is smoking a big cigar around me, the smell lingers in my hair and on my body, and its selling much harder for the rest of the night. Plus, the smell of cigar makes me nauseous. I can only take being close to one for a few minutes. And I was a cigarette smoker for 15 years. Just can't handle cigars.

    Other than sitting at the bar and your cigar, I would TOTALLY approach you, even if you have a "standofish" look about you. I love a good challenge. However, sitting at the bar is a strike against you (its hard to do my hustle standing in the middle of the floor while you're in a high barstool) and the cigar would GUARANTEE I would not approach you at all, until it was out.

    ***not all strippers mind the cigar, but its doesn't help.

    Edit to add: I can well tolerate a cigar smoker at a table, because there is a wider distance, and I can sit across from you at the table, whilst you blow the cigar smoke in another direction. In order to hustle you at the bar, I'll have to get in close to you, and bar chairs are close and usually require two people sit facing each other directly to communicate....I wouldn't be able to get away from the smoke. So, really, its both of those things that are causing your problem..I would wager.
    Thanks for all the insights. I will definitely try tables rather than the bar next time, and maybe taping the $100 bill to my forehead. You all rock on this board. Thanks again.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    It probably is the sitting at the bar. I know in the clubs that I frequent, if I'm looking to be left alone for a bit I just need to sit at the bar.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    I agree about sitting at the bar. That and making eye contact. Sit somewhere other than the bar, stare at the girls you find pretty and wait until they catch you and then hold eye contact for a moment and smile. Unless they are retarded, they'll come over.



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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    I'd suspect some combination of body language and vibe.

    If dancers think you're (a) polite, (b) well behaved, (c) willing to spend and (d) interested, they'll be heading in your direction in droves. The fact that they're not suggests from a dancer POV, you're not checking those boxes.

    Dancer's tend to stereotype people (just like the rest of us) and they'll tend to give priority to those they can sell dances too. Start giving out 'buy' signals: smiles, eye contact, and at worst catch a dancer's eye and gesture to an empty chair beside you.

    Dancers are pretty good at picking up 'interest' signals - their living depends on it. You just need to make sure that you're sending those signals out.

    Phil.
    Last edited by Phil-W; 12-13-2009 at 02:00 PM. Reason: Corrected typo
    Quote Originally Posted by J.D. View Post
    I've totally stared at guys' wallets with lust in my heart
    J.D. explaining how she reacts to guys staring at her body with lust in their hearts....

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    is it possible that they told you this as part of the fantasy/hustle? Maybe they read you as someone who would like to come across as intimidating, and thought telling you that would stroke your ego. Sometimes telling a guy that he first struck us as an intimidating badass is not a bad thing, lol.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Worse comes to worse, you'll just have to do what many of us female custies had to do when we first started clubbing - approach the dancer(s) that interest you, instead of waiting for them to come to you.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Unfortunately, in this industry, it pays to stereotype customers. You're right about it being wrong...but I get positive reinforcement consistently that my customer decisions are correct...even though I'm probably skipping over a few diamonds in the rough.

    I'd be guessing you do give off a certain vibe, but I'm also guessing that people are just misinterpreting it. Sometimes intelligence can be mistaken for hardass Harley. And anyway, I find intelligent people some of the hardest ones to approach (but also the most profitable) because of their confident vibe. I'm intelligent too, so I love matching minds with them...but they can be hard to approach initially. Sometimes they give off a cold aura without realizing it.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Question: why do you have a pink ribbon on your profile (indicating female) when you're a guy. If it's an honest mistake, then coolio, but... if not..... something to ponder.
    Quote Originally Posted by markx View Post
    I'd have to have a "4 simease twin strippers gave me head and then lite themselves on fire" story to blow anybody's mind here.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by Christany View Post
    Question: why do you have a pink ribbon on your profile (indicating female) when you're a guy. If it's an honest mistake, then coolio, but... if not..... something to ponder.
    I don't know. I can't seem to find the place to make that correction. Can someone help me? Guess I'm not as tech-savvy as I thought.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by yknought View Post
    I don't know. I can't seem to find the place to make that correction. Can someone help me? Guess I'm not as tech-savvy as I thought.
    The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
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    Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
    Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.
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    The moving finger came back.
    Last edited by Earl_the_Pearl; 12-15-2009 at 10:32 PM. Reason: How about that finger.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by Christany View Post
    Question: why do you have a pink ribbon on your profile (indicating female) when you're a guy. If it's an honest mistake, then coolio, but... if not..... something to ponder.
    I agree it is confusing. The OP and I have discussed. It was a registration mistake. I have already contacted the admins to change his ribbon to blue.

    Thanks,

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    Default Re: Unapproachable...why?

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    is it possible that they told you this as part of the fantasy/hustle? Maybe they read you as someone who would like to come across as intimidating, and thought telling you that would stroke your ego. Sometimes telling a guy that he first struck us as an intimidating badass is not a bad thing, lol.
    This thought crossed my mind also...



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