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Thread: Question about open relationships

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    God/dess princessjas's Avatar
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    Default Question about open relationships

    If you're in one or have been in the past, how did you decide exactly what you were comfortable with? Did you know exactly what you were comfy with at first, or did your boundaries gradually adjust? I tend to start out pretty open, but as I settle in, I get WAAAY more so.

    As you all probably know I'm going through several big changes in my life and I'm kicking around my thoughts on this one. I've never been the jealous type and being non-committed/dating others has never bothered me... It actually makes me feel more secure/comfortable when I am in a more open relationship. I can't really explain why, it's like something we share and I don't have to hide the part of me that likes girls, and he doesn't have to hide that he is attracted to other women..that honesty is really hot.

    Lately I've been thinking I'd like to be in a relationship with a guy AND have a regular girlfriend, but I dunno. A regular thing like that is something I didn't think I'd ever want, but it seems to be more and more appealing. (I think in the past I didn't want that because I was more possesive than I am now, sharing a time or two would have been fine, but nothing on the reg.)

    Thoughts. Opinions. Discuss pls.
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Senior Member LunaCera Fenella's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    For me, it's always been best to see what my partner's thoughts on it are. There's a lot to consider.

    Will you only be inviting other women, or men too?

    Will you have to be there if he's with other women, or can he go off with a girl alone?

    Is the other person safe?

    Is everything allowed? (meaning anything that can be penetrated, is)

    Are friends off limits? Or, are friends the only people you're comfortable with?

    Also, NEVER NEVER NEVER involve other people while you're main relationship is in a slump. Even if it's just the normal slump that happens when a relationship starts to cool down. This leads to sex with other people being used as a fix, rather than fun.

    Lastly, being in two full time relationships is a huge responsibility. You have to devote yourself to twice as many people in the same amount of time. Jealousy and resentment may occur.

    That's all I can think of for right now...

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by princessjas View Post
    ...I don't have to hide the part of me that likes girls, and he doesn't have to hide that he is attracted to other women..that honesty is really hot.
    I bet your men love you. Every man's fantasy come to life, getting their cake and eating it too. Watch how many of those guys start hemming and hawing and backing up when you bring another guy into the picture, though, lol.

    I had a SO who was always wanting to try 3somes with either a guy or a girl. Since I don't want anything to do with dick whatsoever, I didn't take her up on the offer of the extra girl, either. Only a hypocrite would have. No fucking way am I dealing with another dick in the woman I love.

    From my experience in other relationships, it is also hard to find a good third party even if she is female. She's gotta be attractive to both, not the type to try to compete or pull any drama, discrete, etc. If you are both picky (as I am and not just about looks), it can be really tough to set it up.

    I have seen a few open relationships that worked. Very few. Usually it's just an excuse for the guy to get some on the side without 'cheating', from what I've seen. But I am cynical, having seen so many bad relationships and breakups.
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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    I've always wanted to be in an open relationship. I used to date guys and girls when I was younger. None of the men I was with were ever secure enough to be in an open relationship, though.

    I still fantasize about it sometimes.. I'm married now to the love of my life. I think it would be awesome to have an open marriage, but I would never hurt my husband by suggesting it. He definitely wouldn't be up for it.

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    We discussed ours and have several parameters:

    - It's one day a week- we designated Sundays because it is most convenient for us but are open to whatever works.
    - We don't do anything without the other person present.
    - We both must agree on the person, be they male or female.
    - We don't swap with couples.

    For us it was more of a question of feelings versus sex. For both of us, it is sort of a power trip- we love playing the game of picking someone up, especially together. It is definitely something you have to sit down and really heart to heart about. As I have stated multiple times, neither of us are bisexual, but we are both pretty voyeuristic.

    Honestly, I have never felt so close, loved or wanted than I do with J. It sounds weird, but having our relationship this way makes us a lot closer. I guess it's because I can see him totally rail another girl, but have the satisfaction of knowing that he cares about me so much, he always comes back to me. We also both agreed that if we ever got married, it would stay exactly the same.

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    Featured Member lopaw's Avatar
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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria669Jones View Post
    .... I think it would be awesome to have an open marriage, but I would never hurt my husband by suggesting it. He definitely wouldn't be up for it.

    Word.

    I personally would love having an open relationship with my SO, but she would never ever go along with it. Early on in our relationship I tried bringing in a third gal for us to play with....but she would have none of it.

    Stripclubs definitely help fill the void for me (another venue that she doesn't care for).

    On a sad, side note - I know of 3 guy friends who brought another female into their bedroom for "fun" as a threesome, and wound up having their GF's leave them for the other woman. Yikes! THREE guy friends!

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    I've been in one for 13 yrs. Its not for everyone, but it works for us. Neither does anything we dont want and we are honest about what we can and cant handle.

    Quote Originally Posted by lexilou View Post
    "I'll picklepunch you in your twatwaffle!"

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    I bet your men love you. Every man's fantasy come to life, getting their cake and eating it too. Watch how many of those guys start hemming and hawing and backing up when you bring another guy into the picture, though, lol.

    I had a SO who was always wanting to try 3somes with either a guy or a girl. Since I don't want anything to do with dick whatsoever, I didn't take her up on the offer of the extra girl, either. Only a hypocrite would have. No fucking way am I dealing with another dick in the woman I love.

    From my experience in other relationships, it is also hard to find a good third party even if she is female. She's gotta be attractive to both, not the type to try to compete or pull any drama, discrete, etc. If you are both picky (as I am and not just about looks), it can be really tough to set it up.

    I have seen a few open relationships that worked. Very few. Usually it's just an excuse for the guy to get some on the side without 'cheating', from what I've seen. But I am cynical, having seen so many bad relationships and breakups.
    Most men SAY it's their fantasy...but then get upset that I'm not crazy jealous. Go figure. Also, I wouldn't want to have a 3some with two guys cause I have trust issues with men. This isn't a prob for me in any way tho, cause my partners are not usually attracted to men, so it isn't an apples to apples comparison. If they wanted me to ok other girls and refused to consider letting me play with other guys I'd be out the door tho. I don't even wanna, it's just the principle of the thing.

    Lastly, I see why it fucks things up when it's the guy (or girl) pushing it through. If it's mutually agreed upon and neither party feels cooerced tho, I don't see that many negatives. Maybe I'm just overly optimistic tho.

    Quote Originally Posted by LunaCera Fenella View Post
    Also, NEVER NEVER NEVER involve other people while you're main relationship is in a slump. Even if it's just the normal slump that happens when a relationship starts to cool down. This leads to sex with other people being used as a fix, rather than fun.
    Totally agree here. If I was already feeling insecure, it just wouldn't work. At all.

    Quote Originally Posted by LunaCera Fenella View Post
    Lastly, being in two full time relationships is a huge responsibility. You have to devote yourself to twice as many people in the same amount of time. Jealousy and resentment may occur.
    That's all I can think of for right now...
    Fear of this is why I posted this thread asking for thoughts/experiences. Don't wanna fuck up a good thing by being stupid.

    Quote Originally Posted by Victoria669Jones View Post
    I've always wanted to be in an open relationship. I used to date guys and girls when I was younger. None of the men I was with were ever secure enough to be in an open relationship, though.

    I still fantasize about it sometimes.. I'm married now to the love of my life. I think it would be awesome to have an open marriage, but I would never hurt my husband by suggesting it. He definitely wouldn't be up for it.
    I was like this for 10+ years. If I agree to another "relationship" I'd really like it to be an open one.

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    Honestly, I have never felt so close, loved or wanted than I do with J. It sounds weird, but having our relationship this way makes us a lot closer. I guess it's because I can see him totally rail another girl, but have the satisfaction of knowing that he cares about me so much, he always comes back to me. We also both agreed that if we ever got married, it would stay exactly the same.
    Nope, doesn't sound weird at all. Totally get it. In an open relationship you're partner is making a CHOICE to be with you...not being forced into it to get laid. So that feels nice, and adds a layer of security that can't exist in a monogamous relationship... but beyond that, it's hot! hehe, then I am bi. I doubt I'd be into it if I was straight, since I'm mainly into play together.
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    My husband and I started cause I was bi-curious. At first I was a little bit jealous seeing my man with another girl. I wasn't used to it, but I quickly changed. Suddenly it became a turn on. In the beginning we had a hard time finding single girls so ended up doing the couple thing. At first again we would swap for everything except sex cause he wasn't ready to see me with another guy. At that time I didn't really care about being with another guy anyway. It was fun and everything, but I was more interested in the females. Eventually I had the confidence to full swap and loved it. We both love seeing each other with someone else. I also went off the pill which has made me crazy horny for men. Now I am comfortable with him being with other girls if I am not even there. He has to ask first out of respect. That has only happened one time. He's not ready for me to be with guys without him there though. I don't consider it unfair because those are his boundries and mine are different. No biggie to me. We don't do it all the time and still have tons of sex just the two of us. We sometimes meet people and play once and other times have a more regular set up. Some people we have a social relationship with as well. Our fav couple we have known for 4 years and we all get along ridiculously well.

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    My relationship definitely changed over time. It is a constant process of regauging and adjusting. We started out with a general set of rules but tested what we were comfortable with over time and have since abandoned that format in favour of a 'always discuss' approach.

    To all that are saying that they don't think someone else would go for it... you might be surprised. My husband was definitely not into the idea when I first met him.

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Hmm, do you guys wanna hear about every date your guy may have? This is one area I'm confused about. Normally I'll hear about it and not bat an eyelash...even think it's hot, and DEF wanna hear if it's with someone I'd think was hot. hehe

    BUT I'm at that age. Early 30's = high sex drive due to wacked out hormones, which wacked out hormones also = I dunno how I'll react those few days every month...SOOO not sure if I wanna hear about these things or not? Dunno how me or my guy could gauge if I'm regular Jas or crazy as piss Jas. haha How do you you deal with PMS, or is it not an issue? I didn't used to have it, but since about 28-29 it started and unfortunately although I KNOW it's going on...I'd rather die than admit it. Another nutso thing. hehe .
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Well, we date together. I'm not sure how I would respond to him going on a solo date or vice versa.

    GAH now I miss him. Stupid superbowl.

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Hmm, well obviously that is ideal. Dating together only. But different situation involve different setups..and tbh, there isn't enough open minded girlies in the world to make this sorta thing easy. Gahh!! You wouldn't BELIEVE the shit that just happened anyway! I'm periodically reminded of why I'm scared of most peeps.
    Last edited by princessjas; 02-08-2010 at 08:49 AM.
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    ^Ya I don't need to know every detail. I'm not jealous even with PMS and craziness so I would rather imagine what could have happened. Its more of a turn on and probably more interesting than what actually happened. LOL

    I can see the dating separately could be an issue as feelings start to come into play and you could lose one another.

    The way I see it there is a risk of losing your partner whether you are open or exclusive. I adore my husband and never ever wanna lose him, but my ego is just big enough that I think if he ever betrayed me I would still fall in love again.

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    If I were you, I'd think about if you want to be the one doing the asking, or if you want him to always do the telling.

    Right now, my non-monogamy requirements dictate that all details must be given after something happens. But this might be different for you. Maybe you decide that you don't want him to tell you anything until you ask, or maybe he has to tell you everything always unless you specifically ask him not to do so.

    Maybe this answers your question of the whole PMS thing? If you spontaneously decide you don't want to know what happened, then just tell him. Or tell him when you feel PMS rage coming on. "Baby, sorry, but would you stay away from other women for a few days?"

    Never let others' non-monogamy deals dictate your own requirements. If you think you only want him to have another woman on the second Tuesday of every month, and he's not allowed to kiss her knees, and he must keep you on speakerphone for the duration (or something equally specific/weird-sounding), then that's how it has to be. An understanding partner will accept your terms. Just because other people might let their SO's fuck everything under the sun without a care in the world doesn't mean your requirements can't be extremely specific.

    The only thing I will stress is that communication is absolutely CRUCIAL to setting this up. If something doesn't feel right to either one of you, you both need to know that you can call it off at any point with no judgment. As another member said, constantly re-evaluate your 'contract' and always allow both parties to call a stop to it. Perhaps this will make you incompatible with another person. But even that is the kind of information that you should keep in the open to cause minimal pain.

    Personally, I am constantly having problems with my arrangement. My SO has decided (based on our experimentation), that he is pretty much "as monogamous as it gets." Which I think is absolutely adorable...but it's not how I am. So right now I'm sticking to very tame activities with others to satisfy my need for non-monogamy (it actually strengthens my relationship to be with other people, and also de-mystifies the whole 'affair' fantasy). He doesn't want me to stop being non-monogamous even though it hurts him a bit. But this is something we're constantly talking about and working on.

    OP- sorry if my post doesn't directly address your situation. I always jump at the chance to give advice based on my own experimentation with non-monogamy...so if the post doesn't help you, it might help someone else. Great thread!

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    If I were you, I'd think about if you want to be the one doing the asking, or if you want him to always do the telling.

    Right now, my non-monogamy requirements dictate that all details must be given after something happens. But this might be different for you. Maybe you decide that you don't want him to tell you anything until you ask, or maybe he has to tell you everything always unless you specifically ask him not to do so.

    Maybe this answers your question of the whole PMS thing? If you spontaneously decide you don't want to know what happened, then just tell him. Or tell him when you feel PMS rage coming on. "Baby, sorry, but would you stay away from other women for a few days?"

    Never let others' non-monogamy deals dictate your own requirements. If you think you only want him to have another woman on the second Tuesday of every month, and he's not allowed to kiss her knees, and he must keep you on speakerphone for the duration (or something equally specific/weird-sounding), then that's how it has to be. An understanding partner will accept your terms. Just because other people might let their SO's fuck everything under the sun without a care in the world doesn't mean your requirements can't be extremely specific.

    The only thing I will stress is that communication is absolutely CRUCIAL to setting this up. If something doesn't feel right to either one of you, you both need to know that you can call it off at any point with no judgment. As another member said, constantly re-evaluate your 'contract' and always allow both parties to call a stop to it. Perhaps this will make you incompatible with another person. But even that is the kind of information that you should keep in the open to cause minimal pain.

    Personally, I am constantly having problems with my arrangement. My SO has decided (based on our experimentation), that he is pretty much "as monogamous as it gets." Which I think is absolutely adorable...but it's not how I am. So right now I'm sticking to very tame activities with others to satisfy my need for non-monogamy (it actually strengthens my relationship to be with other people, and also de-mystifies the whole 'affair' fantasy). He doesn't want me to stop being non-monogamous even though it hurts him a bit. But this is something we're constantly talking about and working on.

    OP- sorry if my post doesn't directly address your situation. I always jump at the chance to give advice based on my own experimentation with non-monogamy...so if the post doesn't help you, it might help someone else. Great thread!
    This, absolutely. It would devastate me if J fucked someone without me. Our policy is to never do it behind each other's backs. That is our definition of cheating.

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    I've been blissfully married to a wonderful man for over 22 years - and one reason why it's been blissful - is because I'm 'bi' and he's completely cool with it.

    I had my first relationship with a girl when I was 17 and have had several more over the years since. I love men of course - so I count myself lucky that I'm with a lovely guy who doesn't judge me. He's a successful, mature adult male and doesn't have any insecurities about my bi-sexuality. I couldn't ask, or want, for any more and that's one of the main reasons why we're still happy together.

    We both know other friends who 'swing' and many of them have dreadfully tempestuous marriages or partnerships. We wonder sometimes why they do it when their own relationships are so rocky in the first place. In my book, emotional stability is of paramount importance.

    The subject of an 'open relationship' originally came up early between us, during the usual chats about previous relationships - and I just explained my liking for other girls.

    My husband has never had another relationship since we were married. He doesn't want one, or need one - but he isn't threatened in the slightest by me enjoying physical relationships with other women, so I love him even more for that.

    Although there are things that I can share with another girl, that he would never understand - he never grills me about them. As far as he is concerned it's my personal business which I share with him if I choose to do so.

    I know that I can trust him implicitly and he is the same with me. If he did choose to have a relationship with another person then I couldn't be happier for him. But he has no need - he has always said that I'm all that he wants and needs.

    It's probably this trust - and the fact that we communicate with each other - that has kept our marriage so strong more than anything else.
    Last edited by pussyinboots; 02-08-2010 at 03:26 AM.
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    ^^PIB, I sincerely hope that if J and I end up married someday, we will have such a healthy awesome marriage as you describe. Warms my heart.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    ^^PIB, I sincerely hope that if J and I end up married someday, we will have such a healthy awesome marriage as you describe. Warms my heart.
    Thank you. I do realise that I'm very, very fortunate and I'm exceedingly grateful for it too. As for you guys - there ARE good men out there - if you just keep your own standards up, then you'll find them (or they'll find you), that's for certain!
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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Hmm, I think I'm thinking about it too much. I don't exactly need to decide the rules for every future relationship at this very moment. If I'm PMS'y I'll just be PMS'y and act like a nutter if I feel like it. No point in trying to stave that off, since it seems to be pretty unavoidable. lol It hits over weird random stuff anyway. My hair, weight, strange things said, etc. haha
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: Question about open relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by pussyinboots View Post

    We both know other friends who 'swing' and many of them have dreadfully tempestuous marriages or partnerships. We wonder sometimes why they do it when their own relationships are so rocky in the first place. In my book, emotional stability is of paramount importance.
    Swingers get a bad rap, but we are not all this way. Our relationship has never been rocky. We've probably only had 3 arguments in the last 5.5 years (never sex related, always when drunk LOL). One of our favourite couples who we joke are the "founding members" of our circle are also ridiculously strong. Probably even stronger than us. They have a wicked relationship. But the thing that continually draws us four together is that we are not "head cases". We all equally enjoy the scene and want it as much for ourselves as our partners. We sometimes joke about the if we get divorced we could marry the other. We get along that well. Funny thing is though we have never hung out socially. If we meet, we play. It's a little rule we have to keep the relationship the way we want.

    To us it is something fun and a stress relief. But if either partner said tomorrow. "never again". We'd both be cool and accept it. At the end of the day it enhances our relationship, not makes it. The best sex I have ever had is still with my hubby one on one and will always be.

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