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Thread: Dear...

  1. #1
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    Smiley Dear...

    Fun thread idea I hijacked from another website I frequent. Plus I'm up too late and need entertaining.

    Dear Upstairs Neighbour-

    I have no idea WTF you are doing up there. My deductions have led me to believe that either a) You are practicing professional relay races, b) You have a huge group of people up there doing godknowswhat, or c) You farm elephants.

    Sounds like a good time. Invite me up and quell my curiosity.

    Inquisitively,
    M

    Dear J-

    I know you thought it was amusing to say "yes" when I asked you if you would love me more if I was a Real Doll, but seriously? Your shit eating grin gave you totally away. Come on now- I have seen you lie your way into a cougar's wallet. You're smarter than that. I'll give you a mulligan shot this time.

    Affectionately,

    M

    Dear Hospital-

    MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND ALREADY. DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE AND GO ALL TIMOTHY MCVEIGH ON YOUR ASS.

    *ahem*

    Professionally,
    M

    Dear Room Mate-

    Thanks for not getting pissed when we drank all your booze, and when we drank the one we bought to replace it. Matter of fact, thanks for also not getting pissed when we use your fooseball table for drunken strip fooseball at 3am, when I have to yell at J to LEAVE THE BACON ALONE IT DOESN'T BELONG TO ME, when there's lingerie littered in the living room, and for saying What's Up to everyone every time you come home. You're such a bad ass, and your girlfriend is a sweetheart. I swear, I will bake you a pie this week. Hell, I'll make it two.

    Gratefully,

    M

  2. #2
    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    :d:d:dlol

  3. #3
    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    alright, ill bite

    Dear Old Roommates,

    Wow, its great to hear from you. I miss you dearly. But do you know what i dont miss? Being involved with bill money drama and mediating you guys like I am your mother. Really, I moved across the country to get away from it. So cant you guys converse in a reasonable fashion without breaking a chair or getting into a physical fight? No, apparently not.

    With love (and some hate)
    -H
    p.s. please make sure that the senile landlord finally fixed the lease so its not in my name. i officially want no part of this.




    Dear New Orleans,

    The fact that there is a bar in the gym and a laundromat in the 24 hour bar tells me that you really understand and care about my needs.

    Thank you,
    -H
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


  4. #4
    Veteran Member Lola_sinn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear pervs of Philly...

    Stop fucking talking to me! Or at least come see me in the damn club if you want to be creeps. And quit trying to act all innocent when I call you out on your "yum-yum" comments like you "just want to let me know I look nice". And stop fucking trying to follow me home! Or pulling your fucking dick out on the subway! And then acting surprised when I give you attitude. It's disgusting and you guys are driving me out of the city as soon as I graduate college.

    You Guys are Pathetic Losers,
    S

    Dear Roommates...

    Why do you have to play mind games over the fucking toilet paper? Can't we just keep it in the bathroom instead of having to have your own personal stash? And claiming to be "intimidated" by me is a lame excuse for your inability to discuss normal household issues face-to-face, as well as for your tendency to make passive-aggressive accusations about me stealing your stuff, none of which I've ever touched BTW. Oh, and the "smarter-than-thou grad student" act isn't cute. I have a 146 IQ and I see right through that shit.

    Kiss My Ass,
    S

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Quote Originally Posted by Lola_sinn View Post

    Dear Roommates...

    Why do you have to play mind games over the fucking toilet paper? Can't we just keep it in the bathroom instead of having to have your own personal stash? And claiming to be "intimidated" by me is a lame excuse for your inability to discuss normal household issues face-to-face, as well as for your tendency to make passive-aggressive accusations about me stealing your stuff, none of which I've ever touched BTW. Oh, and the "smarter-than-thou grad student" act isn't cute. I have a 146 IQ and I see right through that shit.

    Kiss My Ass,
    S
    HAHA oh my god i totally relate to this! My jr yr i lived with 4 classmates...and 2 of them were the most passive aggressive motherfuckers ever. They had a problem iwth my job and would give me attitude about it regularly. On top of that, they also could not discuss any household issues with me.

    They had a blame chain... i was the first to blame.. then they would do passive aggressive things to send me messages. Like, if there was a dirty dish in the kitchen, they would assume it was mine and would put the dirty dish in front of my door. Mind you, i dont cook so they often were not mine.

    At the end of the semester i was never there anyway (another reason why i am sure the dirty dishes were not mine), so the few times i would come home, i would just step over them and go to sleep in my room. So they piled up. At the end of the semester, the bitch who was doing it actually had the nerve to FINALLY approach me and ask me to clean the dishes! Which of course, i did not do.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: Dear...

    haha mediocrity same here ... the upstairs neighbours one. i have a two year old and he wakes up when they are in beer-pong-tournament-practice week (bimonthly)... LOUD fried out college kids...
    recently i was getting all geared up to go up there and give them a piece of my mind. i locked myself out of my house that day and they called triple A and got me back in, gave me a beer and a puff, and were very sweet. so i have re-evaluated my attitude towards em. funny huh.

  7. #7
    Veteran Member idreamofaislin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear Downstairs Neighbor,

    I know you were on the varsity football team in high school (I know because you still wear the damn jacket) and I know your frat friends think you're "fuckin' awesome," but that doesn't give you the right to shout at the top of your lungs at all hours. If you just kept it to weekends, I wouldn't really mind, but there's a LOT of people, myself included, who work during the week. I don't give a crap about you and I still manage to keep my loud parties to weekends and infrequent. I really don't care what people do in the privacy of their own homes. I have plenty of friends who use recreational drugs, around me, even. However, I do care when my dog can't spend five minutes on the balcony before begging to come inside because his eyes are burning and he spends the entire night smelling like pot. (In fact, that pisses me off.) Also, your loud-ass music makes my floor shake, freaks out my cat and dog, and gives me a migraine and I can't work.

    Fuck you,
    Ashlynn

    P.S. Next time I hear you screaming obscenities after quiet hours, I'm calling the cops. I'm not convinced you're not abusing that cute girl who comes over.

  8. #8
    Featured Member pixierocksonthepole's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear ex,

    you really are an asshole. i never want to hear from you again and made that clear by emailing you telling you so. yet somehow every holiday that passes you manage to fuck it up slightly by somehow contacting me and saying something. really...leave me the fuck alone there is many damn good reasons you are my ex and you will stay the ex in my life, and you know it. so move onto pretend going to school and making something of yourself and find someone else to pay your bills so you can lounge about and do nothing. stop telling your friends and my friends that it was all my fault because we both know, you fucked up really big too. only difference is that you aren't man enough to admit your are a complete jackass and total loser that depended on his gf/fiance for 2 years to take care of your sorry ass. let me and my wonderful husband be. we are happy without you around and we shall remain that way.

    also...don't contact me this valentines day, i don't have enough patience/self control to stop myself from screaming at you this time.

    thanks

    ~Quinn





  9. #9
    God/dess hockeybobby's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear Universe,

    Thank you for my life, and everything in it.

    Sincerely,
    hb

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    Featured Member wanderlust08's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Oooh! Passive-aggressive/Aggressive-aggressive notes! My turn!!!!

    Dear Stepmother,
    I know you are threatened by all women, especially women that have a stake in your ex-husband or current husband's life. But please keep in mind...

    1) My father was married for 25 years to a woman who wouldn't have sex with him, and he didn't cheat. Seeing as how he actually smiles these days, he's clearly getting some, so I doubt he's going to cheat on you.

    2) He's definitely not going to cheat on you with his ex-wife. Really. He can't. Moms doesn't put out. Stop trying to cause WWIII during the holidays, you're traumatizing the grandchildren and giving my cousins more ammunition to mock me over.

    3) He's DEFINITELY not going to cheat on you with ME. Stop being a bitch to me.

    4) On that note, I'm really sorry I banged your son (my now stepbrother) before you married my dad. We were both drunk, and I hadn't even met you yet. It wasn't even worth it, your son has a tiny penis. So stop being a bitch to me.

    5) Stop trying to make my kids call you "Nonnie-Mama". They have only one mama. ME. I know you always wanted little girls, but these little girls aren't yours. So stop being a bitch to me.

    6) A licensed psychiatrist, a doctor, three of my roommates, my ex-husband, your husband, and your own son all told you I had anorexia. It's not normal for a full grown adult to weigh 70 lbs. I didn't make it up.. Stop telling people that. And stop being bitch to me!!!!

    7) You're a cunt for telling me I lied about being raped. Stop being a bitch to me.

    In short, stop being a bitch to me.

    "Love",
    A.

    Dear Ex-Husband,

    Stop blaming all your emotional problems (read: Peter Pan syndrome) on your parents. We all have fucked up parents. The rest of us still work. Most of us aren't raging alcoholics/drug addicts.

    Pay some fucking child support. You're currently $8,000 behind.

    I can't believe you had the balls to friend request me on facebook and you can't even ASK about your daughter. You're a dick.

    No Love,
    A.

    Dear Youngest Daughter,
    Parents are overrated. Your father is a jack-ass. One day you will realize this. I really hope you don't develop "daddy issues" when you get to high school.

    Serious Undying Love,
    Mommy

    Dear Oldest Daughter,
    I know you hate being unnaturally tall right now, but when the modeling agencies are banging down our door when you're 16, you'll be thanking me for pro-creating with your giant freak dad. Please don't beat me up when you get taller than me.

    Serious Undying Love,
    Mommy.

    Dear Ex-boyfriend,
    You beat the shit out of me every day for almost three years, and I still can't get you out of my head. How did you manage to pull that off?

    No Love, Just Serious Stockholm Syndrome,
    A.

    Dear Dad,
    I've been working as an escort and stripper for the past six years. It has nothing to do with how I was raised. I hope when you find out, you don't blame yourself.

    Love,
    A.

    Dear Grandma,
    I'm really glad you don't know what an escort is.

    Love,
    A.

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    Default Re: Dear...

    dear brake-happy drivers,

    stop braking all the fucking time when it's not time to stop!!! take your foot off the goddamn accelerator first. you're wearing your brakes out too, no need to tap your brakes every time another car taps theirs too. and braking too early, thanks a lot asshole, i drive manual so you give me tons of fun for my left leg. can you please learn how to distance better so you don't end up 8 feet behind the car at a complete stop? it's not that hard to gauge how to stop when the person in front of you is already stopped! i'm not tailgating you but i can see the car in front me and don't expect you stop so fucking soon! and stop speeding up and hitting your brakes when you think you're going too fast, if you can't handle it then don't speed, you only cause constant down-shifting and extra shifting for me. just learn how to drive already.

    thanks,
    R

  14. #12
    Veteran Member LilMissSophie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    I like this game!

    Dear Roommate,
    I know we've all been trapped in a snowstorm this entire week, but that doesn't give you the right to snap at other roommate's girlfriends because they were watching a clip on the computer when you were watching a movie on television that isn't yours on cable you don't pay for. On said roommate's 30th birthday. Also, it is not my fault you are overweight, unattractive, and unemployed. So please stop making fun of my dating life, and that I am a stripper. At least I can get dates, and I have a fucking job. Stop being so fucking bitter.

    Angrily,
    ~S

    Dear Other Roommates,
    Stop trying to get me to stop stripping. I am currently the only person in the house who is paying rent and has a job. Yes, there is a blizzard and I can't make money in a blizzard. But I am going to be fine. Getting a job at a tea shop is a waste of fucking time. I love you all, but you are all driving me fucking crazy. It's called grow up, get a job, and make money. Oh, and stop telling me I don't have a "real" job. Collecting unemployment is not a job. Dancing is a job. If it doesn't stop, I may go to Florida and never come back.

    with tough love,
    ~S

    Dear Boy I liked who doesn't like me anymore,
    I know you're beautiful and are used to having everyone fall in love with you, but why did you have to pick me to fuck with? All I did was add you on facebook. Because we hung out and you're my roommate's brother, and I thought you were gorgeous. I did not, however; initiate three hour long conversations via the internet that made me psychoanalyze every freaking paragraph because I was completely stoked you liked me and showed interest. Then when you go home it's a giant black void of nothing. Like nothing happened. And apparently you're dating that girl who works at that night club, at least that's what your mom and sister think...and she isn't even pretty! What the hell. You should've never talked to me in the first place. All you did was solidify my belief that I'm damaged goods. Thanks asshole.

    sadly,
    ~S


    Dear Mother,
    Stop being a codependent crazy freak. I know you're insane and have papers to prove it, but seriously stop fucking with my life. I know you have nothing to do but either feel sorry for yourself, try to instigate a fight with me or other members of our family, or try to justify the ridiculously horrible things you've done to all of us over the years...but seriously, get a fucking hobby. I've reached a certain level of maturity that enables me to tolerate you, but you constantly test my boundaries. Talking logic to you is like trying to teach algebra to a fucking houseplant...and I can't believe I still try. What's the definition of insanity again? Oh right. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Thanks for giving me life. And yeah, that's about it.

    your loving daughter,
    ~S

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    Featured Member sxcbbw's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear mom,

    I love you, but you are really stupid sometimes. Stop asking me for parenting advice and get some friends, I can't do this for you. Well I can, but I won't.

    Make me some toast.
    D
    Get the fuck off my harbl, yo'.

  16. #14
    Veteran Member LilMissSophie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear boy who liked me but doesn't like me anymore,

    P.S. Her nose job is freaking terrible.


    Satisfied with her absolutely perfect god given nose,
    ~S

  17. #15
    Veteran Member reesexc's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear Mother Nature-

    I'm tired of being stuck in this house bored out of my mind. At first it was cool. I didn't mind staying in watching movies, being lazy, and drinking wine. However, I believe I have watched every movie on the planet, cleaned the house 1 million times to curb my boredom, and drinking too much by yourself..well..that I can still deal with. If you give us any more snow, I believe you and are going to box!!

    Sincerely,
    C
    Last edited by reesexc; 02-11-2010 at 01:14 AM. Reason: ...................

  18. #16
    Featured Member X Evan X's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear ex,

    4 years later and I'm still a tad curious as to exactly why you lied about your father passing away. Please don't mistake my mild curiosity as any sort of desire to see or speak to you again.

    Only a little morbidly curious,

    -E
    hilarious signature

  19. #17
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear Best Guy Friend-

    I love you so much, but quit being a fucking moron. How many times are you going to let her break your heart THIS month? She's on drugs, unstable, verbally abuses you and I hate seeing you get treated like this. I can only hide you at my house and distract you so much.

    Please grow a backbone. Or I'm going to kick your ass.

    Lovingly,
    M

  20. #18
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    Default Re: Dear...

    deleted
    Last edited by stripperchic; 02-11-2011 at 08:21 PM. Reason: correct typing mistakes

  21. #19
    Member BarbieDancer88's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear ex fiance.;
    I hate you for the person youve become. I fucking wish you would grow up. Your daughter will resent you for abandoning her and her mother. Your soulless and i cant wait until i find a MAN that will treat me well. You could never live up to it. I cant even describe what a demonic human being you are today. I hate you i honestly despise you for hurting me as deeply as you have and you brush it off like it meant nothing. How can you live with yourself.

    Dear daugher,
    Im sorry i couldnt have picked a better father for you. Im sorry that you may think that he doesnt love you when you grow up, but it will be okay I promise I have enough love to for two parents. and one day maybe one day mommy will find a great man for you to look up too.

    dear family members and friends;
    Im lonely. Im unhappy. i want your attention but its not filling the gap in my chest. and even though i put on a strong front on how im doing okay on my own.. the truth is it still feels like someone is slowly ripping out my heart everyday im alone. You all have no idea how painful it is to know my family failed. to know the man i fell in love with and the daughter of my beautiful baby is a disgusting member of society. To know Ive failed at something that was beneficial to my happiness and my daughters.

    Dear mom,
    thankyou for helping me with my baby. Thankyou for being a great grandma, thankyou for being there for me, i know when i was younger i was so hateful to you. and Im sorry, i hope im making up for lost time now. I love you with all my heart.. and I miss you so much when i go away for work. I love you.


    dear grandparents,
    I know old age is getting to you.. you have been a part of my everyday life since day one. papa you are a great father figure and im sorry i dont say how much you mean to me even though you can be a grumpy old man. I love you. and grandma.. you are my everything. I hope you get better I miss the old you.



    this was a good vent. I cried writing this. man.

  22. #20
    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear K,
    I know who you are. I know you're a MASSIVE liar. I know you have a vicious attitude towards everyone. I liked you, I really did. But I don't trust you anymore. You can get off your high horse now.

    Dear Parents,
    You have two kids, you know. But you might as well only have a son. I'm fairly sure you've looked at me (in a very passive-aggressive way) as a fuck-up since I was like 16. I was in an emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive relationship for over two years, and I tried telling you, but you never tried to really help me. You acted exasperated and cold, and never wanted to talk to me on an emotional level. You just let me know you thought I was a moron and couldn't be trusted, and that was it. I don't think I will ever be able to forget about that or forgive you for it.

    Dear Ex,
    I hope you're fucking miserable, you spineless, moronic rapist. I hope every fucking day of the rest of your life, you think about what trash you are. Your entire family is trash. Your friends are trash. And you will never succeed at anything. So STOP FUCKING CALLING ME like nothing ever happened. You're a piece of shit, and everything you touch turns to dust. I just want you to suffer the way you made me suffer. I don't think you could take it. I think you'd die within tenth of the time.

    Dear Ex 2:
    I had a lot of faith in you. You restored my faith in men, and you taught me that it's okay not to settle. For anything. But the decisions you've been making lately have shaken my faith in you. Seriously, you can do a lot better. I think you just don't know what you want. I think that some day, you will look back and realize I was exactly what you needed. But it will be much too late then. Honestly, you could call me tomorrow and want to get back together, and I don't think I would do it. I really loved you a lot, and I would have married you if you'd asked me. But you're waaaay too selfish and spoiled, and you think you're infallible. You're going to have to learn otherwise if you're EVER going to have a healthy relationship. I still care about you a lot, and you're great in bed, but you've got to learn a few things.
    Last edited by firemaiden04; 02-26-2010 at 05:12 PM.

  23. #21
    Featured Member sxcbbw's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear universe,

    Please forward my bank details to a ridiculously wealthy emotional masochist that will pay me to ignore them. Preferably 1,000+ miles away.

    D
    Get the fuck off my harbl, yo'.

  24. #22
    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear the South,

    why the fuck is it so cold??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

    angrily yet inquisitively,
    -H
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


  25. #23
    Featured Member pixierocksonthepole's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear stomach,

    Why are you making me feel nauseous today? I did nothing to you, and all I had to drink in the middle of the night was a glass of apple juice. You kept waking me and now I can't relax. Why? And when will you stop? :/

    ~Quinn





  26. #24
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Dear Fate,

    I have yet to fathom your motivations. Seriously, you let me have my right arm that clearly should have been blown right off by that IED. Yet, when I get out after spending my younger years for peace and freedom in every third world shit hole with a desert of a sort; you deny me the income my new education should have brought forth. Are you telling me to go back? Was there some place; all desert like with biting, flies, burning sand, and natives that wipe their asses with rocks or their hands I need to experience? I left that, I went to School, I have too career options that both sound great, why are you blocking me?

    Fate why have you chosen me to be your ball of yarn in your little kitten claws? This is turning into the story of Job. I am cast adrift with a life preserver and no land in sight. I once wore a Uniform and had a job I was and remain fiercely proud of.. Yet you gave me every indication that I should not do that. I went to College. I took not one but two Certificate courses. I spent my savings to stay out of debt. I am out of debt still besides being laid off. Now I have a Job that I don't want to mention, for wages that just keep a roof over my head and my bills paid, just.

    For a while there I was angry, then I was frustrated, but as time has passed and this is my new normal I have become amused. Yeah, amused. I can look at it all and chuckle. It is absurd to a degree I have to laugh.

    BTW the car needs brakes I can't afford, so let me hit an ambulance or a tree instead of a school bus. MMMmkay. You stay classy!

    Paul

  27. #25
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    Default Re: Dear...

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeybobby View Post
    Dear Universe,

    Thank you for my life, and everything in it.

    Sincerely,
    hb
    Breathe of fresh air.

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