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Thread: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by Im_not_here View Post
    Well, i wont be in a one sided relationship. If i scratch her back it would be nice to get the same. We all know that saying. It doesnt go "if i scratch your back you scratch someone elses behind my back". hahah. And ive never ever told her what to do. We have talked and ive asked. And yes i do resent it when ive explained to her how i feel and still she does nothing. She knows this as well.
    Sometimes, when you scratch her back, she gives you a footrub instead, and that's perfectly acceptable of her and not one-sided. She does other things for you, don't get hung up on this one. This is a huge part of her life. Yes, music's a huge part of yours. And? You gave it up. Good for you. Enjoy your footrubs quietly.
    Get the fuck off my harbl, yo'.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Crap its late. I have to crash. Work tomorrow and shes off in 10 min. Thank you sooooo very much everyone for listening to me rant and ranting back. hahahah. I will check back here tomorrow. Nite!

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by Im_not_here View Post
    Crap its late. I have to crash. Work tomorrow and shes off in 10 min. Thank you sooooo very much everyone for listening to me rant and ranting back. hahahah. I will check back here tomorrow. Nite!
    Don't forget to get those footrubs!

    I wish I was even kidding. I like backrubs, he likes footrubs. We trade, in a really awkward position.
    Get the fuck off my harbl, yo'.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    I'm not going to sugarcoat things for you.

    In my ten years in the business I have seen a lot of extras girls. Some of them do it and their husbands/boyfriends don't have a fucking clue. Some of them do it because they think that's the only way they can keep a competitive edge. Some of them do it because they like it. Though you won't find many like that here, it must be said.

    And the more they drink and/or do drugs, the higher the odds that they are doing the extras--though again it's no guarantee.

    If she works in a club with a lot of extras going on and you've been hearing repeatedly that she's doing them too, odds are good she might be. OTOH, I've heard that about virtually every dancer I've worked with, at one time or another. A lot of times it's jealousy, cattiness. Sometimes it turns out to be true--I've been very surprised a few times to find out it is (though less and less as it keeps happening).

    One thing's for sure, as has been said repeatedly--it takes a very confident man to be with a dancer. Right now your confidence is being undermined in a major way, by what you're hearing, by the atmosphere she is in, and by your own rapidly multiplying fears.

    If you don't fix it soon, your marriage is doomed.

    It sounds to me like the one thing you can do now to pick things back up, or start anyway, is to work on the band thing. You can both have fun, get a charge out of the sexual energy from the performance, and hopefully fuck each others' brains out on a regular basis...

    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Well...it's been said already several times, in several different ways. You imagine things, and suffer all the fear, anger, and anxiety that these imaginings create. Your body doesn't distinguish between real happenings, and thoughts. Without the thoughts you are fine. It's not necessary to change the world, or your wife to be happy. The change has to come inside you.

    Other people can't fix your unhappiness. A little self-examination may help though.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by Im_not_here View Post
    Ok here goes. My wife dances. Has since she was 19 or so. She is 28 now and we have been together for about 4 years now. I'm worried about the whole "extras" thing that goes on. She swears she does not do any but I just don't know. First off she is a very sexual person. Second, she only dated girls before me. Third, she drinks a lot at work. Now it isnt too hard to see why I'm paranoid. Alcohol in a sexual charged enviroment and all. And she also tends to work in clubs that are kinda, um, known for extras. What are the odds she is doing horrible things with girls and or guys? I'm know what goes on. I'm a musician (of course) and have done crazy stuff in the SC. And please dont say " you shouldnt have married a stripper". You cant help who you fall in love with. She is a WONDERFUL person outside the club but she does have a very wild side. Any current or former dancers help me out here? Would REALLY appreciate it.
    Have you talked to her about working in another club? If everyone else at the club is doing extras, she's either going to do extras or come home empty handed... sorry buddy.

    If you love her and don't want to leave, what about having an open marriage?... Instead of fighting her sexuality and her lifestyle, embrace it. Maybe she can bring dancers home for both of you to enjoy. Look into the swinging lifestyle. If you're having sex with other beautiful women (with her consent), maybe it won't bother you so much that's she's doing extras in the club (with your consent). You can't have a "traditional" relationship given your current circumstances, so look at alternative lifestyles that provide some benefits to you, too.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Have you talked to her about working in another club? If everyone else at the club is doing extras, she's either going to do extras or come home empty handed... sorry buddy.

    If you love her and don't want to leave, what about having an open marriage?... Instead of fighting her sexuality and her lifestyle, embrace it. Maybe she can bring dancers home for both of you to enjoy. Look into the swinging lifestyle. If you're having sex with other beautiful women (with her consent), maybe it won't bother you so much that's she's doing extras in the club (with your consent). You can't have a "traditional" relationship given your current circumstances, so look at alternative lifestyles that provide some benefits to you, too.
    No. No. Just no.

    I worked in an extras laden club in SF. I made LESS, but I didn't compromise my own values.

    Sorry jack, this is rotten advice. HUGE difference between open marriage and prostitution. J and I aren't married, but I quite honestly think I would kill him with my bare hands if I found out he was whoring himself out. Matter of fact, I'd chop his balls off and make him wear them as a necklace.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    No. No. Just no.

    I worked in an extras laden club in SF. I made LESS, but I didn't compromise my own values.

    Sorry jack, this is rotten advice. HUGE difference between open marriage and prostitution. J and I aren't married, but I quite honestly think I would kill him with my bare hands if I found out he was whoring himself out. Matter of fact, I'd chop his balls off and make him wear them as a necklace.
    I know Steve McQueen just died, but seriously? A ball necklace?

    I agree, though. A place being "known" for a thing doesn't mean everyone does it. A club can be known as an extras club just for employing one strung out whore.

    I don't think she'd be doing extras around mutual friends and allowing her husband to use her work phone.

    I also don't think "You're sleeping around, I will too" is what an open relationship really is - those are for emotionally stable, strong, secure people.
    Get the fuck off my harbl, yo'.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    You've got to trust her. If she swears she isn't doing any extras and is abiding by the agreement you two have, you have to either take her at her word, or risk ruining the relationship.

    What motivation does she have to lie to you? I mean, you knew the deal going in, so why would she start lying now?

    I can also almost guarantee you that she if she is doing extras, it isn't because it is fun: it's because she must to stay competitive in her club.


    Promote yourself and earn more money! This is a business that is owned by strippers for strippers. Let's make that money!


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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    No. No. Just no.

    I worked in an extras laden club in SF. I made LESS, but I didn't compromise my own values.

    Sorry jack, this is rotten advice. HUGE difference between open marriage and prostitution. J and I aren't married, but I quite honestly think I would kill him with my bare hands if I found out he was whoring himself out. Matter of fact, I'd chop his balls off and make him wear them as a necklace.
    On my first point,... I can't argue with you Med 'cause I like you too much. You win.

    On my second point - my advice about an open relationship/marriage... isn't that better than the constant agony of jealousy and insecurity? I've dealt with jealousy and insecurity issues all my life (either mine or my SO's) and its just a heavy burden to bear. You have an open relationship and seem very happy. Shouldn't we all toss possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity out the window? What purpose does it serve?

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    On my first point,... I can't argue with you Med 'cause I like you too much. You win.

    On my second point - my advice about an open relationship/marriage... isn't that better than the constant agony of jealousy and insecurity? I've dealt with jealousy and insecurity issues all my life (either mine or my SO's) and its just a heavy burden to bear. You have an open relationship and seem happy.
    When it comes to real life situations, open relationships work for certain people. You're right- I am very happy in my relationship, but it doesn't have its own parameters.

    That being said, I can not imagine coming home and telling J, "Baby I made $1k tonight! I did have to give a few hand jobs, and blow jobs, but isn't that great?" He would flip his proverbial shit and kick my ass to the curb. I can't even imagine fucking a dude behind his back and not telling him.

    Now if I have a guy friend I find attractive, I mention it to him, and he is usually more than willing to indulge me ( man has higher standards of attractiveness than I do, he's a tough crowd. ). But prostitution? Yeahhhh that wouldn't fly.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    If you love her and don't want to leave, what about having an open marriage?... Instead of fighting her sexuality and her lifestyle, embrace it. Maybe she can bring dancers home for both of you to enjoy. Look into the swinging lifestyle. If you're having sex with other beautiful women (with her consent), maybe it won't bother you so much that's she's doing extras in the club (with your consent). You can't have a "traditional" relationship given your current circumstances, so look at alternative lifestyles that provide some benefits to you, too.
    I see this drivel advice all over the various boards, and its laughable. Why would a person force themselves into an open marriage when they are monogamous in nature and wouldn't feel comfortable with it? People who are into open relationships and swinging know it, they don't need to be advised to become a cuckhold to save a marriage. Either they like it or they don't.

    I've worked clean in clubs where extras were the norm. But..not every time.

    She sounds like the way I was with my ex-boyfriend when I was heavily doing drugs, partying, cheating, performing extras...silent phone always with me, etc, etc.....

    That doesn't mean she's doing extras. What do you consider extras anyway? Maybe the person who told you she did them was used to lower mileage in another club, and her club is high mileage?

    It could go either way at this point. What would she have to be doing "extra" for her to leave you? Like, what acts?

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by KS_Stevia View Post
    I see this drivel advice all over the various boards, and its laughable. Why would a person force themselves into an open marriage when they are monogamous in nature and wouldn't feel comfortable with it? People who are into open relationships and swinging know it, they don't need to be advised to become a cuckhold to save a marriage.
    No one is born "monogamous" or a "swinger". This is mostly cultural (or alternative) programming. In some cultures you must be a virgin until you're married, other cultures are extremely promiscuous,... other cultures anti-promiscuous, yet polygamous.

    If being "monogomous" is not working out for you, e.g. because you're making yourself crazy and literally sick with jealousy and insecurity, maybe its time to open yourself up to an alternative reality.

    My marriage ended in part because of her jeaslousy and insecurity issues (I may have contributed a little to the problem)... Maybe an alternatively lifestyle would have kept us together and strengthened our bond to each other.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    No one is born "monogamous" or a "swinger". This is mostly cultural (or alternative) programming. In some cultures you must be a virgin until you're married, other cultures are extremely promiscuous,... other cultures anti-promiscuous, yet polygamous.

    If being "monogomous" is not working out for you, e.g. because you're making yourself crazy and literally sick with jealousy and insecurity, maybe its time to open yourself up to an alternative reality.

    My marriage ended in part because of her jeaslousy and insecurity issues (I may have contributed a little to the problem)... Maybe an alternatively lifestyle would have kept us together and strengthened our bond to each other.
    Someone who is inherently monogamous by nature will NOT be relieved of their jealousy / insecurities by getting into an open relationship. I don't know how you would get this impression.

    My relationships are different every time, with every person. But not everyone is like that.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    ^^^ I've seen reports on TV and read articles about swingers (in the suburbs). Some of them are very "normal" and otherwise "vanilla" people with normal jobs and kids. They started out monogamous, possessive, jealous and insecure like everyone else and fell into a rutt, got bored, etc. If you're only allowed to have sex with one person in the world and that person loses interest after 10 years, is too tired, too stressed, too overworked, etc... life sucks for you. These couples were miserable and curiosity got a hold of them. They started out as curious spectators at parties and progressively got more involved with the lifestyle. Eventually they embraced it and it revitalized their marriage.

    I'm not trying the spread the gospel of swinging and I'm not a swinger myself. I'm just saying that if possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity is unhealthy and destroying your relationship, maybe you need to examine whether these emotions serve any useful purpose, and whether an alternative lifestyle would be more harmonious.

    Also, the OP sort of alluded to the fact that his wife has a very healthy sexual appetite and that this is threatening to him. His gut instincts are probably correct. He knows her and lives with her. No one else on this thread does. Maybe she is inherently promiscuous and only trying/pretending to be monogamous. (To the OP: please don't take this as an insult. To some people, monogamy goes against their nature and is a very challenging thing to live up to.)
    Last edited by jack0177057; 02-11-2010 at 02:02 PM.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    NO NO NO!!

    That gut instinct is telling him to leave, run far, far away. He doesn't want his wife engaging in sexual activities with other men. Its strong enough for him to consider divorce.

    How is actually WATCHING her with another man going to make him feel better.

    You might have read some articles, but do you know many actual swingers. I do. And its just not like that. If both parties of the couple are jealous and insecure YET make an agreement to work through it by open relationship, its one thing.

    If one person is insecure and has the issue, swinging isn't going to help. We'll just let the OP say so himself.

    ETA: I guess I thinking about it from my personal perspective. My partner used to be really jealous and insecure everytime I went out without him, or when I went out of town. He had some flimsy reasons to be suspect. Like, he found a naughty email between me and another guy that was written a month into our dating. And I'm also a heavy drinker and very sexual. So he would always give me a hard time. I can imagine telling him, "we need to have an open relationship and you need to accept that I might fuck other guys since I bring you home other girls. It will relieve your jealousy."

    I'd STILL hear him bitching about it to this day. Some people are just jealous, and to suggest swinging would be a huge insult and blow to the relationship. It might even make them confirm in their minds that you are cheating.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by KS_Stevia View Post
    NO NO NO!!

    That gut instinct is telling him to leave, run far, far away.
    Okay, maybe you're right... I'm just giving him a second option.

    We don't know anything about the OP, so lets make sure he considers all his options. If I was him, I would at least consider swinging with her dancer friends before running far away.

    Quote Originally Posted by KS_Stevia View Post
    "we need to have an open relationship and you need to accept that I might fuck other guys since I bring you home other girls. "
    Yeah, but that's like 1000% better than you fucking other guys and not bringing anything home for him.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post

    Also, the OP sort of alluded to the fact that his wife has a very healthy sexual appetite and that this is threatening to him. His gut instincts are probably correct. He knows her and lives with her. No one else on this thread does. Maybe she is inherently promiscuous and only trying/pretending to be monogamous. (To the OP: please don't take this as an insult. To some people, monogamy goes against their nature and is a very challenging thing to live up to.)

    Again, you are missing the point, and the OP is too, somewhat.

    IF SHE IS PERFORMING EXTRAS ITS NOT BECAUSE SHE NEEDS ADDITIONAL EXTRA SEXUAL STIMULATION. STRIPPERS PERFORM EXTRAS BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM MORE MONEY, OR BECAUSE MONEY IS CRAP WITHOUT PERFORMING THEM. SOMETIMES THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY ARE LAZY. SOMETIMES THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY ARE DRUNK, AND THEIR JUDGEMENT IS IMPAIRED.

    BUT THE DO NOT DO IT FOR PLEASURE. Not to say that it can't be done for pleasure on occasion. But I promise, if she's regularly doing them, it has ZERO to do with her sexual appetite.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    ^^^ I understand that this is true for 99% of dancers with respect to 99% of customers. But, are you telling me that a dancer with super-high libido might not get a little bit of pleasure from a Chippindales-looking customer with a charming personality and a bucket full of Benjamins? What if he's been her regular for more than two years?

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Okay, maybe you're right... I'm just giving him a second option.

    We don't know anything about the OP, so lets make sure he considers all his options. If I was him, I would at least consider swinging with her dancer friends before running far away.



    Yeah, but that's like 1000% better than you fucking other guys and not bringing anything home for him.
    Of course you would. Every man would. That's why J counts his lucky stars and tells everyone to get in good with me. This not new information.

    I also feel like your view of open relationships is a little skewed. It isn't a free for all fuckfest you know.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    ^^^ I understand that this is true for 99% of dancers with respect to 99% of customers. But, are you telling me that a dancer with super-high libido might not get a little bit of pleasure from a Chippindales-looking customer with a charming personality and a bucket full of Benjamins? What if he's been her regular for more than two years?
    You're grasping at straws dude. I'm waiting for the other people to chime in with the psuedo-biology and evolution theories.

    Heres the bottom line: handsome, whatever, I DON'T FUCK FOR MONEY. Some girls do, a lot don't. Fin.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    You clearly don't trust her.

    You want her to quite dancing and she refuses.

    She has already made her decision, it's time for you to make yours
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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Yeah, but that's like 1000% better than you fucking other guys and not bringing anything home for him.
    I actually despise the term "bringing home" in regards to open relationships. It dehumanizes the other person involved. I've never just recruited a girl to come home with me where my lecherous man was waiting to attack. Its always been a totally mutual thing between all parties involved at all times.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    ^^^ I understand that this is true for 99% of dancers with respect to 99% of customers. But, are you telling me that a dancer with super-high libido might not get a little bit of pleasure from a Chippindales-looking customer with a charming personality and a bucket full of Benjamins? What if he's been her regular for more than two years?
    Now you're just living in a fantasy world. None of what you just wrote matters at all to the OP. Who cares how long he has been a regular or what he looks like. If she's performing sexual acts at the club without his consent, he is OUT.

    Also, a lot more than 1% of dancers perform extras anyway. Especially these days.

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    Default Re: Wife dances. Please help me girls!

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeybobby View Post
    Well...it's been said already several times, in several different ways. You imagine things, and suffer all the fear, anger, and anxiety that these imaginings create. Your body doesn't distinguish between real happenings, and thoughts. Without the thoughts you are fine. It's not necessary to change the world, or your wife to be happy. The change has to come inside you.

    Other people can't fix your unhappiness. A little self-examination may help though.
    Smarty pants

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