I've lost all faith. Its not even that I've just 'lost faith.' I've become a total asshole. Whenever someone tells me they are a Christian or that they believe in higher powers, I am instantly annoyed, think of them as an idiot, and know we have nothing in common therefore cannot have a meaningful relationship. I know this isn't fair, not the right way to act, and is judgemental in a way. Hell, I used to be a Christian. I just can't believe how some can still believe I guess. I don't know any atheists personally except for a few people at work, and they are hardly close friends. Everyone I know and all my loved ones are Christians, besides my hubby. Its even making these relationships difficult. I really need to learn to be more accepting.
I've been reading the bible lately just to see if I'm missing something. Its even worse than I remembered. God sounds much like an abusive boyfriend and not like "Love and Forgiveness" like I've been told. Its pretty much like "worship me and do as I say or you will suffer in hell for eternity." It just seems to me like still believing in the bible is like still wanting to join a country club that doesn't allow blacks and jews. Its hard for me to be accepting of someones beliefs when the beliefs are so terrible. Then sometimes I think that maybe I just have the problem since most of the world disagrees with me and believes in some sort of god. Christianity is especially disgusting and self righteous to me. Everyone goes to hell except them and you are judged by how much you "believed" and not by your actions. What kind of fucktarded thinking is that??? The more I read, the more it doesn't make sense.
I know some people will say "Well I don't believe this or that, but I believe in PARTS of the bible." That just seems even more annoying. The only thing worse to me than a "in your face" christian is a half ass christian. I once told a waitress that I was an atheist. I told her I was an atheist, and she had to tell me that I was still a child of god, he still loved me, and that I could end up in hell for not accepting him. When I told her she would end up in hell right along with me, she could not accept that. Half ass christian. She is working in a very "sinful" environmet, dressed scantily clad, and engaging in premarital sex and homosexual behavior. Although it clearly states that those who don't "put god first" go to hell, she wouldn't go to hell, god was just talking about everyone else it seems. Half ass christians can never accept that they will probably go to hell, but yet profess to believe in the bible/jesus sooo strongly, and remind me what I can go to hell for. They want to be Christians but don't want to act like a christian. Reminds me of when my stepkids were little and they didn't like playing the board game 'Sorry' with the 'Sorry' cards in place. Their grandma would always take the Sorry cards out when they played. I would leave them in, because its not really Sorry without the Sorry cards is it??? Removing the Sorry cards changes the whole game, its not sorry anymore. Though its unpleasant to get the sorry cards, its part of the game isn't it. I would say that those who take bits and peices out of the bible are not christians. You're playing sorry without the cards. You've changed the game. Different 'game' now.
I'm not trying to incite any believers but I just don't get it. I respect that everyone has the right to worship and be left the hell alone. But I also have the right to think its a fucked up, destructive cult.
Ughhh I hate having these feelings at the same time. Some of my christian friends and family members I love, and they are smart, interesting people. Sorry for rambling, hubby is away and I cannot sleep.![]()




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