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Thread: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

  1. #26
    God/dess Harleigh HellKat's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    My first suggestion is cynical, so I apologize in advance - He might be having an affair, since guys cannot go that long without sex. Catch him in the affair and break up with him.

    If he is not having an affair - Break up with him and blame yourself for it. Tell him he hasn't done anything wrong, but that you have lost interest in sex and and romance, and he needs to find someone that has crazy romantic feelings for him and makes him happy.

    This is assuming that it is impossible to reignite the romance... Isn't there anything that could reignite it?
    Cannot? I know several brave men, and mine is one of them, that went without for 15 months straight overseas. Twice.

    My suggestion: Couples or sex therapy. Some time apart to miss each other. (Seriously, when I went to Miami I came back as a sex fiend haha.) Toys. Porn. Doing something spontaneous together.

    You said you lived with him... this can be part of the problem I think. If you see someone every day it can be hard to imagine if that person wasn't there. I live with mine and went through the same crap, until I realized I missed him. Sometimes we take the people closest to us for granted. Take a strip trip or a road trip with some girlfriends. I can almost guarantee you'll come back wanting it.
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  2. #27
    Featured Member lunchbox's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...


  3. #28
    God/dess Harleigh HellKat's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    ^^That also, is an excellent suggestion.
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  4. #29
    Veteran Member MonicaF's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    Look, considering that you've been together that long and you haven't had sex in 3 months, that's telling me that your bf isn't being overly persistent either and maybe subconciously you're sensing that something's wrong.

    Beofr eyou have sex again make sure you both get an STD test because I have a feeling he's been fucking around.

  5. #30
    Veteran Member MonicaF's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    well, just read the rest of the posts on this thread - nevermind - but still get tested

  6. #31
    Senior Member Violet_Dawn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    sometimes, lack of a sex drive means that there is some underlying reason and that is how it manifests itself. or it could be cheating. or it could be a lull. or it could be the natural end of a relationship....we can suggest things to you til the cows come home, but the best thing that you can do is talk to him. not just once. repeatedly. talk alone, or talk with a therapist/trusted friend/pastor/hobo/whoever. you need to get to the root of the problem. when you do, then you can decide on a course of action, whatever it may be.

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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    Its a basic truth of human attraction that (sincere, non-controlling, monogamous) "nice guys" generally cannot sustain the all-critical chemistry that hot women want and need, which is nature's way of directing them toward bad-boy Alpha seed spreaders, who offer (genetically perceived) increased odds of the female's ultimate long term genetic survival

    I am surprised it lasted as long as it did.

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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    Quote Originally Posted by Violet_Dawn View Post
    sometimes, lack of a sex drive means that there is some underlying reason and that is how it manifests itself. or it could be cheating. or it could be a lull. or it could be the natural end of a relationship....we can suggest things to you til the cows come home, but the best thing that you can do is talk to him. not just once. repeatedly. talk alone, or talk with a therapist/trusted friend/pastor/hobo/whoever. you need to get to the root of the problem. when you do, then you can decide on a course of action, whatever it may be.

    Lack of a sex drive?

    The OP (as she clearly states in the opening statement) has not lost her sex drive, she's just lost it for HIM

  9. #34
    Senior Member Violet_Dawn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    Quote Originally Posted by WestCoast101 View Post
    Lack of a sex drive?

    The OP (as she clearly states in the opening statement) has not lost her sex drive, she's just lost it for HIM
    yes, i read and understood that...i meant that lack of a sex drive [for him] could mean that there was an underlying reason [in the relationship] and that is how it manifests itself.

  10. #35
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    You are reading it wrong.

    There is no indication that the BF has any lack of sex drive, She is clearly thego/no go decision maker on sex (typical of most women) and she's not reponsive, and him being a nice guy, probably easy going and all, obviously isn't going to push it., as he is no doubt in love with her.

    Read what she says "We havn't had sex in almost 3 months and when he kisses me I feel nothing. He doesn't turn me on AT ALL anymore

    HE is kissing her, and she is not responding,

  11. #36
    Senior Member Violet_Dawn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    Quote Originally Posted by WestCoast101 View Post
    You are reading it wrong.

    There is no indication that the BF has any lack of sex drive, She is clearly thego/no go decision maker on sex (typical of most women) and she's not reponsive, and him being a nice guy, probably easy going and all, obviously isn't going to push it., as he is no doubt in love with her.

    Read what she says "We havn't had sex in almost 3 months and when he kisses me I feel nothing. He doesn't turn me on AT ALL anymore

    HE is kissing her, and she is not responding,
    again...i get it. i was referring to her lack of sex drive for him. i just reread my last post and i see how you (and others) might have misunderstood me by the way that i wrote it, it was confusing.

  12. #37
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    Note the fighting kicked up her sex drive, a least for awhile.

    Probably this guy put the nice guy thing on the shelf, and let a bit more Alpha come to the surface. Males generally suppress Alpha traits to appear more civil and because they believe its what women want.

  13. #38
    Featured Member london's Avatar
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    You might have been, or be experiencing, cognitive dissonance over discovering your attraction to his friend. It's okay and normal to have those feelings but they may make you feel like you're being emotionally dishonest or unavailable to him and that can kill your drive for him, while preserving your drive 'in general'.

    I definitely wouldn't advise telling him about your attraction, but feel free to enjoy it for what it's worth so long as it is a temporary fantasy and not one where you are trying to devise strategies to be alone with the friend.

    If you were strongly attracted to every guy BUT him, I'd say you were over him but since it is a question of attraction to his friend, well....He is his friend for a reason and likely has a lot of similar attributes to your boyfriend, yet is still NOT your boyfriend enough to be a mystery.

    The fact that in your post you seem troubled to have had thoughts about his friend shows that you realize it isn't a good thought to have in that it makes you question your own ethics in regards to cheating and betrayal and you know that the reality would be a nightmare.

    The make-up sex, to me, shows you still desire your boyfriend, but that it was hidden under this recent fixation with his friend. I'm glad to hear that, after the fact, it made you want him MORE, not less, which shows promise. If you had felt regret or that you had made a purely animalistic choice in the heat of the moment, you'd probably have had your answer right there!

    So, in closing, I'd just recommend that you not get down on yourself for your fantasies about a particular guy, or a random in the future, so long as you aren't taking active steps to pursue them without ending things with your current boyfriend.

    And, not to invoke any jealousy or anxiety within you, but a lot of guys fantasize about their girlfriend's friends, even if only 'in theory.' It's natural to speculate, as ugly as it may seem to you at the time to discover! Our 'friends' are usually a lot like us, so it isn't odd for a partner to recognize this and even be attracted to them, so long as their internal boundaries are solid.
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  14. #39
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    Default Re: I cannot believe I'm posting this...

    Quote Originally Posted by WestCoast101 View Post
    Note the fighting kicked up her sex drive, a least for awhile.

    Probably this guy put the nice guy thing on the shelf, and let a bit more Alpha come to the surface. Males generally suppress Alpha traits to appear more civil and because they believe its what women want.
    There can be several different reasons why fighting kicks up a girls sex drive -

    (1) Make up sex - both persons have been mad at each other and without sex for a few days, they both start to miss each other and regret what they said/did, they both apologize (and correct misunderstandings), make up, and have make-up sex.

    (2) His dominance / her submission - one person assumes the role of aggressive dominant (usually the male), the other assumes the role of the submissive (usually the female), they both get turned on by the dynamics (in other words, she likes it rough).

    (3) His vulnerability - the dude exposes his vulnerability (like how he is afraid to lose her, blah, blah, blah) and the girl is "touched" by this. This is standard issue in all the chick-flicks - tough dominant male doesn't appreciate his GF, she leaves, he tries to get her back, she won't go back, he goes crazy and finally exposes his soft vulnerable side (in other words, he becomes the chick)... only then does she takes him back. (The part they don't show in the movie is that she's lost respect for him, because he acted like an emotional chick and begged her to come back. She will end up leaving him for a true tough dominant male - and the process starts all over again.)

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