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Thread: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

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    Dizzy HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    I can't believe I'm posting this....but I don't know where else to turn. YES i'm in counseling. YES, I pray/cry/ask friends about this DAILY.... and sadly YES i know what I think I'm going to do...but am not sure if I am right.

    Wife and I have been married for 6 years, together for almost 20. Baby is due in a few days (yes, we're ready to pop). I've been in/around this business as a photographer, pinups4.com organizer, etc. for as long as we've been together. Late nights, all-girl friends, etc...this is the lifestyle we have (me a couple nights per week max) and she used to be on board with it...

    November, it all changed. I was heavy into Pinups4, very close ( not romantic or sexual) with my partner, and wife snapped. Kicked me out. I come to find out she was only "trying to be OK" with my hobbies, thought all my friends were skanks (only some are LOL), never wanted to meet them, and didn't like that I was hanging with them and that it was late night.

    I want to do a series of travelling reality shows that surround the Pinups4 concepts and other nightclub environments. She has known this for years...but now it's not OK. I understand baby changes HOW we do things, but IF?

    History of HUGE anger issues on her end...and (frankly) I had been afraid to discuss alot of things with her for ...not a great honesty rating, I know. Some HUGELY painful things were said (by her to me, I'm sure there are reverse things)...that has gotten better.

    January I moved back, we tried. She says she's hugely in love, doting, etc...I honestly can't be sure. I don't know when I'll wake up to find that what I was told is "true" is just "trying".

    I will be VERY active in my daughter's life daily no matter what. Even if wife goes with her threat to move out of state to be closer to her family for "support" That part I know. Money is not something I'm going to skimp on for my baby.

    I know I've changed...an argument we had last week where she said she was "done", told me the truck I drive was hers and I could lose it, and threatened to call the cops because I was following our counsellor's advice and trying to keep her from driving.

    I know I'd be gone if it werent for the baby.

    Question is, should I stay (SEEMINGLY for her, unless my feelings change) or should I plan to move out right after the baby's born?

    Ramifications for baby??
    Last edited by GoPoKo; 05-01-2010 at 09:06 PM.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    This is gonna sound odd, but are you a dude, or a woman?

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Sorry, I'm a man. "industry related" as it were

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Ah. Your gender sign says lady.

    My instincts say wait it out, in relation to your OP.
    Get the fuck off my harbl, yo'.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    ^^^ I know why you are asking. I think it's a guy and he probably just signed up on the wrong page.


    OP, I'd say try to stick things out. Her hormones are flowing big time and chances are if you leave she'll be even more upset.

    Feel free to e-mail me if you'd like to discuss this in detail. I think I might be able to offer a lot more advice given the full spectrum of the situation.

    One thing I will say though is as a man working with female models you are going to encounter problems. Here's a few suggestions:

    1.) Try not to schedule your photo shoots at night.

    2.) If you have an in home studio use that to your advantage. Your wife doesn't need to be looking over your shoulders all the time, but if she can be within an earshot so she could hear if anything were going on - that would help. If your studio is outside the home consider moving it into the home.

    3.) Make sure the models know that you are married and make them aware of your wife's feelings along with a note to be super courteous to her. How she feels may have a lot to do with how your models treat her. For example, do they run around nake/half naked even when not in front of the lens? She may not likely that, so ask them to bring a robe. Are they overly flirtatious? Are they plain out rude/disrespectful of her? Things like not shaking her hand and introducing themselves, bringing pets over, generally making a mess of the place. Are you giving out free/trade photoshoots? That could be a big one if she feels it is effecting the money you both have.

    4.) Take an interest in other things that are photography related and try putting her in front of the lens! Do maternity photos, newborn photos, landscapes etc. Consider teaching her about your hobby as well so she can be involved. A lot of female photographers really enjoy shooting pin-ups so if you can get her involved and working with models she may become more comfortable.

    Hope that helps!
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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Thanks...we've been doing most of that all along. However, as the business took off (which was the plan) more and more out of office work was required...mostly because she doesn't want "those kind of people" in our home.

    Lonely, when she not only doesn't share my passion (that's not new, though she always was interested and looked at the photos with me) but wants to control my time far more than we ever had before

    Not sure I'm strong enough (is our love) to return emotionally. Horrified that I may be that cruel/weak...that I'm an ass, Praying it's not so. Confused.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Honestly as someone who is the crazy pregnant lady right now(yes im 31 weeks and psycho as hell and my poor SO has taken a lot of nasty shit from me) I say wait it out. Her hormones are all over the place right now and she is not thinking clear. She will more then likely remain this way for about a year after baby, it takes awhile for things to level out. Don't make any big decisions right now. The next year is vital.

    I can say she more then likely doesn't mean half the things she says, they are said out of anger. I feel awful after I blow up at my SO for no reason.

    At the same time you need to be ready to make changes in your life. If shes not okay with what you do then what is more important? Photographing naked girls, or your family?

    Congrats on the new bundle of joy

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Thanks, and congrats on your new addition!

    Actually, the photography I can lose. That's minor...not an issue. And NONE of my work is nude...or even sexual. It's PinUp. For charity.

    It's the lack of her overall trust in all my business and personal affairs (now I can't go out with my friends at night, or take overnight trips without her, etc.) and generally not knowing what other rules will be "changed without notice". Basically, a fear. I hope it goes away after hormones do.

    It's the memory of the horrible things that were said (those said since the pregnancy reminded me of others previously that never healed.

    Looking over it, she never wanted to go sailing, play board games, go out together, just an occasional hike. The photography started as a social outlet because our work schedules never meshed. No friends we share, two workaholics. Not sure if I'm copping out, or finally seeing bigger issues, or if its all hormones.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Ah ok sorry I skimmed over the pinup stuff lol.

    I understand the hurt. And believe me if shes anything like me she feels horrible about it. I know i've said some damn nasty stuff that I later regretted and I know they have hurt my SO deeply and it will take him a long time to get over them. I can't speak for what shes said before but I can speak for the pregnancy hormones.

    My doctor put me on an anti depressant and that has leveled me out big time, but i've also been displaying a lot of signs of depression and we're prevent PPD. Might be something to look into for her if shes open about it.

    The next year will be hard. Our hormones are put on a roller coaster of hell when we're pregnant and the first year after pregnancy. Shes going to be so up and down and while its hard for the guy you need to ride it out, things will get better. She just needs to be able to open up and talk about how shes feeling.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Give her the truck and run for the hills.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    I wish she would....I'm always asking, way before the pregnancy, and usually get a mumble or grunt.

    I do the backrubs, spend time with her, do the housework, etc...

    Then when I try to anticipate her needs, I hear (again, even before) "How dare you read my mind! You dont' know me"

    She's gotten alot better with those outbursts....but ....

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    An anti-depressant could be a really good choice.

    Do me a favor, print out what I wrote and ask her if any of it would make a difference. I've been in a situation very similar to her's (SO doing photography I didn't approve of) so I have a feeling that I might be on target. Tell her if she needs to talk about it she can email me directly as well.
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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeybobby View Post
    Give her the truck and run for the hills.
    interesting...why?

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kylea2 View Post
    An anti-depressant could be a really good choice.
    She's in an Emotive Behavior Therapy counselling program. No drugs at this point (well except pot LOL...rarely since baby)

    Quote Originally Posted by Kylea2 View Post
    Do me a favor, print out what I wrote and ask her if any of it would make a difference. I've been in a situation very similar to her's (SO doing photography I didn't approve of) so I have a feeling that I might be on target. Tell her if she needs to talk about it she can email me directly as well.
    Thanks, I will

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeybobby View Post
    Give her the truck and run for the hills.

    That is the worse advice i've ever read on here, and i've read some horrible advice.

    Seriously having a baby is the hardest thing a woman will ever go through. It puts her body through hell. The last thing she needs is her man to walk out after baby is born. Yes I know he is still staying involved in babies life but honestly as hormonal and emotional as his wife is going to be, thats going to kill her and maybe even make her resent the baby to some extent. She is going to need him in a big way right now and so is his baby.

    If things arnt better in a year or so, then yes maybe its time for divorce. But the best advice i've ever heard is NEVER make and big life decisions in the first year after your baby is born.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Just throwing it out there... have you two ever tried couples counseling?

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Yep tried couples, still in (separate) personal counselling. Couples counsellor was a complete loss when we got to serious fights. Maybe we find another one...

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Damn I wish I had some better advice then 'just wait it out' because I know its hard. I see how hard its been on my fiance and it breaks me up. Which is why I went for the anti depressants(well that and I knew I was a risk of PPD).

    Maybe do some research on PPD and show it to her. Maybe it will help her see that the anti depressants could help. Obviously she doesn't have a fear of drugs hurting the baby is shes smoking weed(sorry my biggest pet peeve is women smoking weed when they're pregnant, thats just as bad as drinking imo). If they will help her feel better, and not make her so angry then it could be a good idea.

    It really sounds like the models are a huge thing for her, maybe its time to work on a happy medium. Your going to have to give some as is she.

    I really do wish I had better advice. Pregnancy hormones are a bitch and I really do feel bad for any guy who has to go through it.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Thanks, I sincerely mean it.

    The photography stopped months ago...when I came back in January. I now just go out maybe once a week with friends...and even that's unacceptable.

    My problem is I've lost all interest/affection.. She's one of my best friends, the only real relationship I ever had (ya, stupid). Every touch makes me tense....even as I rub her and talk to her and cuddle her, inside I hurt.

    I am in counselling for this but wanted to get "real world" input. This has been GREAT so far.

    I'm afraid if I can't get ahold of my emotions...it may be bad for my child. And my wife. Regardless of how we end up, I do want to protect her.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by GoPoKo View Post
    interesting...why?
    Quote Originally Posted by GoPoKo View Post
    I can't believe I'm posting this....but I don't know where else to turn. YES i'm in counseling. YES, I pray/cry/ask friends about this DAILY.... and sadly YES i know what I think I'm going to do...but am not sure if I am right.

    I know I'd be gone if it werent for the baby.

    Question is, should I stay for her, or should I plan to move out right after the baby's born?

    Ramifications for baby??
    Why? Because I think you want to split and you're just trying to deal with the guilt. Would you rather be right, or happy? If you leave, be generous like you said you would. They'll both be fine without you.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by hockeybobby View Post
    Why? Because I think you want to split and you're just trying to deal with the guilt. Would you rather be right, or happy? If you leave, be generous like you said you would. They'll both be fine without you.

    I pray to god no woman is ever desperate enough to have a kid with you. You are a sorry ass excuse for a humane being and you would never deserve the love a child has for their parents.

    Just because times are a bit tough right now doesn't mean they wont change. And I think he should wait it out and see. Shes hormonal and bitchy right now, usually that changes after kiddo is born.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    I dont want to...far from it. If I did, I'd be gone now. I don't want to hurt her, leave my baby (even if I'm there every day, it's still different), and everything that entails.

    But, emotionally, there is a huge part of me that's gone. That doesnt trust when she says she's interested in something - that it isn't a "trying to be OK with" that I'll find out later is a fallacy, a lie, a "I'm trying to be OK with" it. Yes, she's said things like that to my mom (before pregnancy) that she so badly wants "the family unit" she's OK with what we have.

    Part of me wonders if she isn't also gone (as she has said), but so badly wants "the family unit" she's OK with what we have. I don't know.

    Thats why I posted this...i appreciate all the help in thinking it through. Yes, leaving has its deceptive "advantage" as being easier. But it isn't - i know that.

    Need to figure it out fast, as I'm finding her noticing my lack of interest and myself being tense around her.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by MissShyGirl View Post
    I pray to god no woman is ever desperate enough to have a kid with you. You are a sorry ass excuse for a humane being and you would never deserve the love a child has for their parents.
    Um, thanks for the insult? I came here for input, not insults.

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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by GoPoKo View Post
    My problem is I've lost all interest/affection.. She's one of my best friends, the only real relationship I ever had (ya, stupid). Every touch makes me tense....even as I rub her and talk to her and cuddle her, inside I hurt.
    There's a good chance you are going through that because you've given up something you love for her and she's still being moody, so there may be resent there.
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    Default Re: HELP!! New Baby, time to divorce?

    Quote Originally Posted by MissShyGirl View Post
    I pray to god no woman is ever desperate enough to have a kid with you. You are a sorry ass excuse for a humane being and you would never deserve the love a child has for their parents.

    Just because times are a bit tough right now doesn't mean they wont change. And I think he should wait it out and see. Shes hormonal and bitchy right now, usually that changes after kiddo is born.
    If he wants advice from a raving hormonal bitch, he can walk into the spare bedroom and ask his wife. I'm offering what I consider to be a reasonable point of view given what the OP has written.

    As far as being a sorry ass excuse for a human being, well...same to you.

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