Lazy? Quarter life crisis? Too many projects? Disillusioned? Depressed?
I'm not sure what my problem is... I seem to start things I never finish. I'm really starting to get frustrated with dancing and the lack of income potential, and even though I have lots of ideas for additional income, I seem to procrastinate on all of them. I'm terrible about appointments and calling photographers and agents back. I lack the money to invest in websites or extensive travel right now. And dancing, at least in this area, isn't really paying well enough to save money.
I'm a decent hustler, and I'm doing better than most girls out here... but when there's only a few customers on a saturday night, there's no one to hustle. I use the formulas and the 'psychology', I make eye contact, I assume the sale... hell I even have business cards. I invest in my appearance... hair, nails, tan, photoshoots, eyelashes, outfits. It would seem I'm doing everything by the book. I'm professional... I talk about the client, not my stupid drama. I flirt, I laugh at their jokes, and none of it seems to work.
...Maybe I'm just in a lull right now. I'm starting to think maybe I'm getting a little burnt out. Even the prospect of a photoshoot with a new photog doesn't really excite me anymore. A year ago, this hardly seemed like work... more like being a small-time rock star. Mind you, I still have fun meeting new people and learning pole tricks and stuff... I think it's purely a financial dissapointment thing. I guess when I first started dancing I had a lot of expectations that are still left unfulfilled.
There are a lot of things I want to do in this industry... Feature, girl on girl films, camming, reality, modeling, more travel... but it seems like there are a lot of things out of reach. I guess I just want to be known, and to make money. And I feel like, as a model especially... I'm running out of time. Does anyone else feel like this? I just feel pipe dreams slipping through my fingers every day and have nightmares of being mediocre... But at the same time, I think deep down, I'm afraid of success. I get tons of offers for shoots and travel and sometimes I just forget to email back. I'm starting to think maybe it's manic depression.
Anyway... That's just my rant of the day. I'm sure I'll have another one for tomorrow.![]()



On my way to being the Bitch Goddess of your dreams... or nightmares.
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