Without going into too much detail, some pretty lame stuff happened in January. Came as a huge shock to me. I thought I got over it pretty well, but I really, really haven't. I may move this over to ladies only but I'll try it in here.
Basically, my panic attacks used to be related to my social anxiety, when I was too overstimulated and there were too many people around. That was the only time I'd have them, and even then it was rare - since January, I've been getting them at home, alone. When I'm in bed trying to sleep. I've taken to begging my MOM to sleep over with me on the days my guy can't be there, because they only happen when I'm ALONE in bed. I have trouble falling asleep, so unless I'm exhausted to the point where I'll just pass out right away, I will, invariably, have a panic attack in bed. I don't have any problems with my bed, it doesn't happen in the morning, I just got a wonderful memory foam mattress etc.
Okay, so the other thing worrying me - I can't stop thinking about what happened in January. I go over it all day long. What I should have said/done better. What I said/did wrong. What I could do now. What this is going to turn into, 10 years on. It's consuming my every thought. I dropped out of uni because I just can't work like this - my motivation comes in flashes of crazy mania where I'll decide I'm going to be superwoman and do a million different things and have all these ideas and then my excitement gets ragged and burns me out entirely and I can't function for a while.
I feel so guilty that I, in my opinion, handled this so badly. I'm being such a jerk to my friends at the minute, too, and I hate it. I was out with them last night and one called me out on it, asking why I was being such a jerk. I of course, got really defensive and told him that when I say "I don't care", I'm being honest, and that he knows me well enough to know I'm not being an ass. No, I was being an ass, talking over people and just not giving a damn how rude I was last night. I was supposed to be out with the same people tonight, for steak and drinks, but I'm not up to it. I've barely left the house this year - it's just too intimidating.
So what the fuck? A friend of mine is convinced I have PTSD, I think I'm just stressed out. I've been known to be rude and talk over my friends for years. I've had panic attacks before. I know it's worse, waaaay worse, but it's not unheard of for me to do these things. I dunno. It would take forever for me to get tested, should I even bother? Bluhh. Tempted to delete this.



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