I have a mother who is Irish/German and a father who is black.
My entire life I have always, constantly felt like I didn't fix it. I've always felt "Dirty" and not ever good enough. I always looked different than all the other kids. I had the biggest, brightest, greenest eyes, the strongest German last name and the most uncontrolable afro go to along with it (Mom is white and didn't know how to take care of my hair). I was the middle sister with both my older and younger sister being 16 months in difference from me. So being the runt in the family always meant getting hand me downs.
Most of those feelings went away during high school when being mixed race made it really easily to get along with everyone. After I left high school and started dating I noticed this strange pattern with people. Usually the first question without fail that I get from people is "What race/nationality are you?" I find it to be the most rude and ignorant question ever.
Well, a lovely texting war with someone I dated 3 times ended upsetting me really badly.
He talked about how my hair was nappy and disgusting. About how my vagina looked like roast beef, about my "immigrant" looking skin and about even for someone half black my ass is still disgusting.
Anyway, I'm about to start bleaching my hair, going to get my spray tan, gonna pick up some skin lightener (for downstairs) and most likely develop an eating disorder.
I never knew someone could make you feel so bad just because of racial traits.
I don't know how to get over this and it really hurts. Everytime I think about it it's
like a knife slicing my heart because he put me down for things I'll never change.
I feel like it's been that way my whole life. Like my life would have been so much easier or better if I could just be white.
I'm starting to feel like last night was one blow too many and it's a terrible feeling to hate (not yourself as a person) but the race that you were born.
![]()



Reply With Quote





Bookmarks