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Thread: He said "I need you".

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    Default He said "I need you".

    Years ago I did the unthinkable: I became off club friends with one of my customers. This never happened before or since. I felt an immediate connection to him and not just physical. We connected on an emotional level. We share the same interests, goals, values, morals, and so much more. At the time we met he really wanted a relationship but at the time I was coming off an emotionally abuse relationship with an alcoholic I lived at. He kept pushing for more (not sexually) but I wasn't ready and kept pushing him back, and yes I admit it, I was mean because I was beautiful. We later lost contact for 10 years and recently refound each other on Facebook.

    When we finally saw each other after all that time, sparks flew. We couldn't stop touching each other (as in hugging, kissing, and holding hands). He had told me he was still scared of a previous relationship where he got scammed. He also kept telling me he never wanted to marry or have kids, but then an hour later he asked me to date him. Then a few weeks later he called and said he didn't want a relationship, never planned to date again, etc. He made me cry and I never do that. I was so angry I had visions of hurting a random guy. It was horrific and I was more upset this happened than the times I split from years long boyfriends. Our contact after this was much less.

    Fast forward to the other day. He called me and told me he was a jerk for what he said and he kept apologizing. He also told me that he is going to a counselor because he realized I was the one person he never wanted to hurt. He then told me he needs me more than he wanted to realize. He also opened up about marriage and kids, and told me that yes he was open to that with me but not until he got over his issues. We spent 3 hours on the phone and he blew me away with what he told me. He admitted things from his childhood I never knew. He told me things he never even told exgirlfriends or friends.

    I admit that he's come farther than I thought he would. I'm still working with him on his sexual hangups (we aren't sleeping together, nor will I until he's better) but I am a patient person. I wouldn't be doing all of this if I didn't have faith in him. He's a great guy and once he learns to completely trust me (and he's almost there) he'll be just the like I met many years ago.

    Anyone else have a situation like him?

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    Featured Member sxcbbw's Avatar
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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    I personally run miles from people like this.
    Get the fuck off my harbl, yo'.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Yeah babe, this guy has so much baggage and so many issues. I know you care about him A LOT, and I commend you on your patience.

    If waiting is what you want to do, then go for it. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Date around and enjoy life, who knows, maybe a better man will come around?

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Right now I can't get super serious, so this is why I am patient. Also, I know how he was, and I know he can revert back to the way he was. I'll still look for other guys but he's the one I really want. Not that I'm likely to find another guy since I have strict requirements (never married guys without kids) and the guys I like aren't easy to find. I know that I will not sleep with him unless he can truly commit, and he's come farther than he was.

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    Moderator Jessie_tinydancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Sounds like too much work to me personally. I'd move on. Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    Sounds like too much work to me personally. I'd move on. Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun.
    Normally I'd move on (I dated another guy like him) but I was happy with the progress he made. Maybe because I know him so well and expect better is why I wait to see how he changes.

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    God/dess shasta's Avatar
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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    You have to love him and want him for who he is now.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    I do love him, but I can't be with him when he gets like that. It's not healthy and I know it's not him. Plus, he's dealing with a variety of other issues and I am a very patient person. It's not even an issue of him changing, but rather dealing with his problems instead of blaming me.

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    JRdancer
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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Why should you hold his hand through all the changes he wants to make? You're not married. Let him make the changes and then come find you. Unless you just want the distraction of all this drama, he's gonna suck so much from you. If someone has to use the excuse of needing counseling and a bad childhood for treating you rudely, they need to do the responsible thing and clean up their act first so they won't hurt you anymore. Sometimes it's scary to only focus on your own life, but I think you'll be the better for it.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Only you can decide. I've read your other posts too and he just seems .... difficult. Like ..... you seem to try really hard for him and I'm not so sure he tries very hard for you. I'm not sure what to suggest. I'm bad at this stuff ( as proven by my own track record ) . It seem weird to me that he has sexual hang ups. I grew up really conservatively and I have them and my female friends seems to have them .... but all out guy friends / boyfriends / brothers don't seem too. Seems they just got over it all. When I was with a guy who was difficult and picky sexually ( he was such a shit head .... also told me I was too fat to strip ) ...... I was SO glad to leave him.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    I know it's hard to understand. I'd be the same way if it wasn't happening to me. I'd probably tell the other person to ditch him. I can't explain it, but I know he can change and was not this way years ago. I'm still keeping him at arms length and not doing anything sexually (this would make it worse) until he deals with his demons. In the meantime if someone else came around I wouldn't turn down them. I have never dealt with a guy with baggage (I normally ditch them and they usually come back around). If when he contacted me he didn't apologize, I'd never have taken him back. He was very rough with his words last time, almost as a way to turn me off.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Quote Originally Posted by JRdancer View Post
    Why should you hold his hand through all the changes he wants to make? You're not married. Let him make the changes and then come find you.
    quoted for truth.

    if you had been dating long term, and he needed to work on his issues, it would be different. i am willing to hold someone's hand because they held mine for so long.
    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post
    Sucking dick should pay really, really, really, really well. If you are not living well and you suck dick for a living, you're doing it wrong.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    Sounds like too much work to me personally. I'd move on. Relationships are supposed to be easy and fun.
    I think some people like projects. They look for fixer-uppers and problem-people with redeemable qualities. Its like the "white-knight" that looks to rescue a damsel in distress (e.g., poor woman, struggling actress or model, exotic dancer, etc.) or the girl that dates a player/playboy believing she's going to domesticate him. Maybe some people like challenges, drama and heartaches - the payout could be great, but the odds are against it.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    I think some people like projects. They look for fixer-uppers and problem-people with redeemable qualities. Its like the "white-knight" that looks to rescue a damsel in distress (e.g., poor woman, struggling actress or model, exotic dancer, etc.) or the girl that dates a player/playboy believing she's going to domesticate him. Maybe some people like challenges, drama and heartaches - the payout could be great, but the odds are against it.
    I don't like fixer uppers, but I have a long history (being friends) with him. I know it's hard to explain, but we have many things in common and I know how he is. He's not a player. Otherwise I wouldn't wait around. I also had a situation like he's dealing with so I know how it is. Lastly, I am 39 and there aren't many never married over 40 guys so it's worth it for me if he gets better. He may not and I have a timeline of when things have to fall in place.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    I've dealt with a guy like this, BIG FUCKING MESS.

    We were both in long term relationships (me two years, him 5 1/2 & living with his ex) and decided it would be a thrilling idea to meet for dinner and a one night stand. Well, the day after I left my ex because of the guilt, but he lacked a conscience and our "one night" escapade turned into much more. We were meeting in hotels, his apartment, his work and it was crazy. There were times when I had no where else to go so I slept in my car in his apartment complex parking lot, set my alarm for when his girlfriend went to work, watched her leave, then went upstairs to climb into bed with him. We told each other we loved one another and spent time together going out to dinner and cuddling. It became more than just sex, and eventually I threatened to tell his ex about us if he didn't. When he told her she said she wanted to try to work on it, but he didn't stop with me. Eventually I showed up at the apartment and she answered the door, he was living with his parents that same night. He told me throughout the whole 'relationship' that I was too young (he's 11 years my senior) and too instable to be anything more than a fling. He sent me mixed signals the whole time, and it was an emotional roller coaster.

    I started dating my son's father (we're still together) shortly after all of this. Broke things off with the guy. We remained friends as best we could (he lives an hour from me) and things progressed. In July 2009 we were talking on the phone and he said he was driving to Kentucky and that he'd talk to me at the end of the weekend. A few days went by after the weekend ended and he wasn't answering my texts, phone calls or IMs. I sent him a private message on a forum we're both members of and he forwarded it to my boyfriend. There was nothing inappropriate in it, but I took that as a bad sign. He eventually answered his phone and said if I showed up at his work he'd call the police on me. (He works in a public shopping mall). So we didn't talk for about 3-4 months, period. Come to find out, he was trying to date the girl I am friends with (now) that works at the Vu. She wound up not being interested in him and once the fling ended we started talking again. The whole situation pained me because I felt it was the second time he chose someone else over me, even on a friend level. I guess she didn't want him to talk to me because of our history, but we've since become great friends. I've tried to forgive him for his mistakes but it really hurt me. I found out I was pregnant, lost my job, dropped out of school, and my mom's alcoholism took a huge dive all within a month of us losing contact, and my birthday sucked.

    Eventually he apologized to me and told me he wanted to be with me and that he loved me. He said he made a huge mistake and that he deeply regretted what he did. I felt really torn, but when I thought back to how he 'used' me and made me feel like shit I just couldn't bring myself to be with him. What really bothered me was that he took a sincere interest in me after my son was born, regardless of the numerous attempts I'd made to be with him in the past.

    So, when he told me he "needed" me I had no response. After talking it over with my Grandma she said it so well. She told me to tell him to "weep for me" and although I never got around to saying just that, I'm prepared to if it comes down to that.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I don't like fixer uppers, but I have a long history (being friends) with him. I know it's hard to explain, but we have many things in common and I know how he is. He's not a player. Otherwise I wouldn't wait around. I also had a situation like he's dealing with so I know how it is. Lastly, I am 39 and there aren't many never married over 40 guys so it's worth it for me if he gets better. He may not and I have a timeline of when things have to fall in place.
    It sounds like you're settling with a problem guy because of fear of being alone at 40.

    You're probably right that there are not many never-married guys over 40, and those that do exist have never been married for good reason - either they can't commit or women can't stand them. But, so what,... there are lots of divorced guys that age - some have learned from mistakes made on the first go-around and are improved.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    It sounds like you're settling with a problem guy because of fear of being alone at 40.

    You're probably right that there are not many never-married guys over 40, and those that do exist have never been married for good reason - either they can't commit or women can't stand them. But, so what,... there are lots of divorced guys that age - some have learned from mistakes made on the first go-around and are improved.
    I don't date divorced men on religious reasons. I am fine being alone if this doesn't work out, but the reality is I hope it will. The fact that he's getting help shows me he knows he has a problem. I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't feel he would get better, and he's showing me he is.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    ^ Well, in that case, I really hope it works out with this guy, but don't fell like you're stuck with him. You have other options -- widows and younger men.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    ^ Well, in that case, I really hope it works out with this guy, but don't fell like you're stuck with him. You have other options -- widows and younger men.
    Thanks, no I don't feel that way (being desperate). I know he's the one but he may not right now. He's coming around, but if not there are other guys.
    Last edited by Kellydancer; 05-20-2010 at 05:41 PM.

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    Veteran Member CaseyLace's Avatar
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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    My ex-bf was very much like this. I waited, and helped him, and loved him, and waited, and cared for him, and found him jobs, and found new jobs when he got fired from old jobs, and waited, and took him to therapy, and waited.... and waited... and waited...

    He loved me so much, and was so open and honest with me sometimes, but couldn't get past his old ways during others. Our relationship was tumultuous at best. Amazing in the good times - heartbreaking in the bad times. It took me two years to finally leave him... the truth way, I deserved better... I deserved someone who could already give me what I needed, instead of me pouring all of my energy into him and not getting much in return for years. I was burnt out. I deserve better.

    As a sidebar, I've found better. And it's the best

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    He already has a job. I have a set timeline to see where he is at what point. I wouldn't put up with him if I didn't know he was never like this before. If he's still at the point he is now, I'm not waiting around.

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    Veteran Member CaseyLace's Avatar
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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Sounds like you have your priorities straight

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    Quote Originally Posted by CaseyLace View Post
    Sounds like you have your priorities straight
    I do. I know it's hard to explain online, but if it was a cut and dried situation where I didn't think he'd come around, I wouldn't wait. He's doing many of the other things I did many years ago and wonder sometimes if it's a test. Even so, I have a timeline where things need to be by certain times.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    ^^ Are you rewarding him with something special at each significant stage in his development?

    It must be hard for him to do everything you ask him to do (for his own good, of course) under the threat of you leaving him.

    I think you need as many carrots as sticks. I know you are withholding sex for now - is that the big carrot he gets when he reaches the 'finish' line? You should also be giving him smaller carrots along the way, rewarding him for small improvements/accomplishments and to keep him encouraged - maybe HJs and/or BJs.

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    Default Re: He said "I need you".

    ^^^ Or at least a tittie suck.


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