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Thread: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

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    Default Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Hi everyone,

    I'm sure there is a thread on here somewhere about this topic, but I can't seem to find it, and basically I need some help/advice, the title of the thread pretty much sums it up lol. Okay, so me and one of my friends are looking into dancing, and I've already expressed to her my concerns regarding how my boyfriend would feel.. I knew he wouldn't approve, but I have never talked to him about it.. until this past Saturday. This is how it went down, we were out buying groceries with his sister, and he went outside for a cigarette, and I tagged along, we sat on a bench, and I was telling him my need to figure out a way to make money, I've been looking for jobs and handing out resumes with no luck at all, and he says "hustle babe" and yea.. I know many people do this, but that's not me, well not in that way at least, I'm sure I would not do well in the drug business lol. So quite seriously, I ask "what do you think if I became a stripper?" and he kinda just gave me this face as if to say "seriously? you're kidding." and me wanting to make sure I was responded "well, what do you think?!" and all he said was "You already know, I'm not even gonna gonna answer that question" following with this face so I'm gonna take it as a negative thing in his opinion.

    Well, I know if I get into the stripping business, I would enjoy it, I've always wanted to do pole tricks, heck, as a child I attempted to go down those poles at the park, upside down, and climb back up lol, and I've always had a huge curiosity when my parents drove past a strip club, of course I know its not all glamorous but I need a way to support myself and I'm damned not willing to wait around til somebody calls me back for a job interview with the risk that I may not even end up working for them. I need money for school (taking nursing, aspiring to be a pediatrician), basic life necessities, eventually buying and owning a car, etc etc, right now, I'm basically living off my savings, and the amount of savings I have are not going to last me much longer.

    So my question is, how can I hide the fact that I dance/intend on dancing from my boyfriend? and losing him is not an option because I've been with him for 4 years strong and we intend on getting married, I would be absolutely devastated if I lost him, what excuses should I use? Also I live with him at the moment, I'm planning on moving out due to conflict with his sister, whom lives with him. Also, he has a huge friend network, he knows at least 50 people from each city in the GTA (I'm from Toronto area), and if these people were just normal low key people, I wouldn't worry too much, but these people are like club promoters, bartenders, basically, people that have a high likely chance of running into me if I danced, so any advice on how to try and avoid being seen by his friends would be much appreciated also.


    Thank you so much in advance!


    P.S. sorry its so damn long lol

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    DON'T hide it from him.

    If losing him is not an option then don't lose him. If you strip behind is back, he will probably find out eventually, or you will break down and tell him. Or one of his friends will find out and tell him- like you said, it seems likely.

    In the end, which seems more important, a career you've never even tried, or the man you want to marry?

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    Member MissLaydeeLynn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    I know where you're coming from and I've pondered those same questions in my mind a billion times but you have to understand, I have no source of ANY income whatsoever, he's a sod layer so he doesn't make much either, he pays all the bills and he gets laid off when snow hits the ground (it's his house, he's a pushover, doesn't confront his sister). So basically, what I'm trying to say is, I'm desperate, and pretty much broke.. my education is gonna go on for about another 6 years also.. I don't plan to do this for long, just long enough so I can scrape by with the necessities.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    ^^^I would just tell him... I know it's not the answer you want to hear... but I think if you're with someone they should accept you...ALL OF YOU....both the good and the bad (and it seems like he considers you stripping to be bad.) I know if I didn't want the person I love to do something, I wouldn't stop them or leave them even if they did. Love is supposed to be unconditional. So just tell him because lieing to him for 6 years is going to be tough and strain you and your relationship...plus he will probably end up finding out anyway- And if he finds out from someone that's not you- the betrayal is going to shock him and hurt him the most. You'd have to keep your lies and excuses straight for a long time and all it takes it 1 slip up. Good luck.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    You have two options: Don't tell him and don't dance. Tell him and break up with him or maybe he'll still want to be with you.

    My golden rule is If my Man can't give me the lifestyle I want and he has a problem with me making that lifestyle for myself ... it's bye bye baby. Never let a Man come between you and your money UNLESS you're married!

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    I did what you were thinking, I was looking for jobs and nothing nothing nothing. So I live with my boyfriend, been with him for 2 years - we took a break for a week and got back together, that whole week I wanted to strip - so I did. As we were together again he thought I was a waitress, 2nd night into stripping, his friend walked in and my boyfriend found out. My boyfriend had the same reaction as yours. He was mad and said its either stripping or him, I told him I need the money, unless he wanted topay for my expensives then I'll quit. So for 2 months as working as a stripper, we fought on how he didnt like it and I literally had to pick him or stripping and move out - So I picked that I wanted to strip, and he knew he was going to loose me, as I worked, he then began to offer to pay for my expensives, but I disagreed. At 4 months now, He is used to it, he still gets jealous a little, and still wants me to quit in his mind and offers to pay, but he knows that isnt an option of mine.

    So what I can say is.. He will find out. I live the Toronto area too and its a small place, my boyfriends network is really small and if your bf has a bigger network he WILL found out. So you could do what I did if you believe its right and damn to found out where it leads and how he will take it.. either he will break up with you or take it into shock/anger/saddness. Or talk to him about it which is the best thing to do as I say, my boyfriend felt like I betrayed him and cheated so he took it hard, think of what youre doing mentally to him if he founds out. You could say.. I have no job, its either stripping or you pay for me until I find a regular one - who knows if that works with you, try that out, its a harsh move and you have stick your ground to it. If he doesnt accept it now, He'll have trouble accepting it through out the way. It will take a lot for you to get him to understand that its a job and to take it easy on the view of stripping. Make sure you really want to do it, or else all the stress and crap is for nothing.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Wait, he wants you to be a drug dealer but he won't let you be a stripper?

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    Wait, he wants you to be a drug dealer but he won't let you be a stripper?
    I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!??!?!?! I read that and thought wtf! Unbelievable!

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    There's a wealth of issues here.

    1) You don't know your boyfriend is against you stripping, but his facial expressions suggest he is. You'd better clarify if he's against it, and if so, what are his reasons.

    2) Another of your problems is perception. Most of what a lot of people (particularly men) know about stripping comes from three sources - gossip from mates, what's in the media and actual visits to SC's. Odds are he'll have a negative perception from those sources - and he's going to project that negative image onto the thought of you stripping.

    3) A lot'll depend on the nature of SC's in your area. At one end of the spectrum, they could be clean, low contact venues. At the other they could be wall to wall extras. I'm guessing you'd work in the first type, but not the second.

    4) He has an extended friend network, so his friends are soon going to know you've taken up stripping. He may not want that 'stigma' associated with you.

    5) How sure are you that you know what's involved? You can earn good money as a dancer if you're good at hustling, but you'll get your feeling hurt frequently at the very least. Stripping is not for everyone - are you sure it's for you?

    I think you need to sit your bf down somewhere private and have a serious conversation with him. Explain that you need to earn money, your savings are running out and dancing is one option you're exploring. You'll have to take it from there based on his reaction - if it's immediately anti, I'd let it be for a bit while you think through further what to do....

    Phil.
    Quote Originally Posted by J.D. View Post
    I've totally stared at guys' wallets with lust in my heart
    J.D. explaining how she reacts to guys staring at her body with lust in their hearts....

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by xoAnnaBanana View Post
    ^^^I would just tell him... I know it's not the answer you want to hear... but I think if you're with someone they should accept you...ALL OF YOU....both the good and the bad (and it seems like he considers you stripping to be bad.) I know if I didn't want the person I love to do something, I wouldn't stop them or leave them even if they did. Love is supposed to be unconditional. So just tell him because lieing to him for 6 years is going to be tough and strain you and your relationship...plus he will probably end up finding out anyway- And if he finds out from someone that's not you- the betrayal is going to shock him and hurt him the most. You'd have to keep your lies and excuses straight for a long time and all it takes it 1 slip up. Good luck.
    thank you, you have a good point, I mean, of course I know I have to tell him eventually but I guess I was trying to see my other options as to how to avoid telling him if that makes any sense

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    ^^^You're welcome! *Hugs* Good luck, I really hope everything works out for you with stripping AND with your boyfriend!

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by malayataylor View Post
    I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!??!?!?! I read that and thought wtf! Unbelievable!
    I know! I never understood that either, but I'm guessing in his mind I think its ok to him because he's done it to get by before, and I haven't, which kinda gives me more reason to strip because that's MY hustle, that's what I'd be somewhat comfortable doing.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    If you're to the point where you're willing to go behind his back to do sexwork you KNOW he doesn't approve of, then your relationship is already doomed.

    Edit: that sounded too bleak to leave on it's own. I want to wish you all the best regardless of what you decide. I believe Charlie said it best in another thread: Your stripper career (or any career) won't wake up one morning and decide it doesn't love you anymore. Men can. Until there's a ring on your finger you've got to look out for #1 (you). XOXO!


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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by malayataylor View Post
    .
    My golden rule is If my Man can't give me the lifestyle I want and he has a problem with me making that lifestyle for myself ... it's bye bye baby. Never let a Man come between you and your money UNLESS you're married!

    Lmao like I was just telling my friend, I KNOW he won't be able to afford the way I live and what I spend on and I don't even live all that luxurious at the moment, and that is exactly how I feel! I know he's not gonna be able to give me life I want, so I have to go after it myself..

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by MissLaydeeLynn View Post
    thank you, you have a good point, I mean, of course I know I have to tell him eventually but I guess I was trying to see my other options as to how to avoid telling him if that makes any sense
    How do you feel when he flirts with other women? Some women enjoy the attention that their partner gets, others might not, and it's pretty much the same for guys. Either way, don't let it be a surprise for him. Deciding to start dancing and trusting him with that information is worlds better than going off and doing it behind his back.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by MissLaydeeLynn View Post
    thank you, you have a good point, I mean, of course I know I have to tell him eventually but I guess I was trying to see my other options as to how to avoid telling him if that makes any sense
    You start lying and all you are doing is prove him right in not wanting to trust you.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    This sounds alittle too much like me and my boyfriend. So here is my advice.. If its what you want to do than do it, cause jobs are hard to find. I been with mine for four years not including middle school and He reacted the same way.. And I gave up cause I wanted to stay together. I'm now moving out cause I don't have enough money to keep my apartment and hes staying here cause he has parents that can pay his rent.. It might be late but I'm not going to give up this time. If he really loves you he has to love all of you.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by xoAnnaBanana View Post
    ^^^You're welcome! *Hugs* Good luck, I really hope everything works out for you with stripping AND with your boyfriend!
    Awee thanks, I really hope so too..

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    If you're to the point where you're willing to go behind his back to do sexwork you KNOW he doesn't approve of, then your relationship is already doomed.

    Edit: that sounded too bleak to leave on it's own. I want to wish you all the best regardless of what you decide. I believe Charlie said it best in another thread: Your stripper career (or any career) won't wake up one morning and decide it doesn't love you anymore. Men can. Until there's a ring on your finger you've got to look out for #1 (you). XOXO!
    Lol I agree with you 100%, I do have to put myself first, I guess I just gotta "grow a pair of balls" as the guys say it, haha and sit down with him and talk it out.. and you're right about "to go behind his back to do sexwork you KNOW he doesn't approve of, then your relationship is already doomed." I don't think I could do that, I would probably feel absolutely guilty, I'm feeling guilty just thinking about it

    P.S. thanked! lol

    Quote Originally Posted by Kisca View Post
    I did what you were thinking, I was looking for jobs and nothing nothing nothing. So I live with my boyfriend, been with him for 2 years - we took a break for a week and got back together, that whole week I wanted to strip - so I did. As we were together again he thought I was a waitress, 2nd night into stripping, his friend walked in and my boyfriend found out. My boyfriend had the same reaction as yours. He was mad and said its either stripping or him, I told him I need the money, unless he wanted topay for my expensives then I'll quit. So for 2 months as working as a stripper, we fought on how he didnt like it and I literally had to pick him or stripping and move out - So I picked that I wanted to strip, and he knew he was going to loose me, as I worked, he then began to offer to pay for my expensives, but I disagreed. At 4 months now, He is used to it, he still gets jealous a little, and still wants me to quit in his mind and offers to pay, but he knows that isnt an option of mine.

    So what I can say is.. He will find out. I live the Toronto area too and its a small place, my boyfriends network is really small and if your bf has a bigger network he WILL found out. So you could do what I did if you believe its right and damn to found out where it leads and how he will take it.. either he will break up with you or take it into shock/anger/saddness. Or talk to him about it which is the best thing to do as I say, my boyfriend felt like I betrayed him and cheated so he took it hard, think of what youre doing mentally to him if he founds out. You could say.. I have no job, its either stripping or you pay for me until I find a regular one - who knows if that works with you, try that out, its a harsh move and you have stick your ground to it. If he doesnt accept it now, He'll have trouble accepting it through out the way. It will take a lot for you to get him to understand that its a job and to take it easy on the view of stripping. Make sure you really want to do it, or else all the stress and crap is for nothing.
    I would imagine he'd feel like I've cheated on him if I do sex work behind his back, and yea, I think i'll just say it how you said it, "You could say.. I have no job, its either stripping or you pay for me until I find a regular one" lmaoo cause I know damn well he's not down for that with all that he has to pay for (bills, food for himself etc etc), or him paying for all my stuff would probably only last 2 weeks until he's noticing he cant continue on with it.

    P.S. i've thanked you also

    Thank you all so much! I will probably sit down with him and lay it all out so he can somewhat understand where I'm coming from and my situation.. to all of you!

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by sananeko View Post
    This sounds alittle too much like me and my boyfriend. So here is my advice.. If its what you want to do than do it, cause jobs are hard to find. I been with mine for four years not including middle school and He reacted the same way.. And I gave up cause I wanted to stay together. I'm now moving out cause I don't have enough money to keep my apartment and hes staying here cause he has parents that can pay his rent.. It might be late but I'm not going to give up this time. If he really loves you he has to love all of you.
    Oh no! that sounds horrible, I hope you guys are still together. Atleast you had the guts to tell him lol, I think once I get past telling him what I plan on doing and if he doesn't accept it, I'm gonna do it anyways cause I know he's not gonna support all my financial needs for life. That way, I can't say that I didn't already warn him, and I guess if he wants to leave me for what I consider doing as a job.. than maybe he isn't the one for me... I just can't imagine losing him though, we've been through so much, I guess whats holding me back is that I've somewhat put him through alot already because I come from an asian background and he is black, mixed, but in my parents eyes, still black. I pretty much stuck with him, chose him over my family, and I know people that read this may not approve of it, but what if to say, him and I may not work out, and I end up dating a spanish guy after that?! I'll have to go through the same shit anyways, enough of my ranting, basically, I feel like he's gone through enough, living everyday to know my parents dont approve of us, and than dealing with the fact that I am pretty much naked infront of other guys.. I feel maybe it's too much?

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by fuzzz View Post
    How do you feel when he flirts with other women? Some women enjoy the attention that their partner gets, others might not, and it's pretty much the same for guys. Either way, don't let it be a surprise for him. Deciding to start dancing and trusting him with that information is worlds better than going off and doing it behind his back.
    thanked! and I'm very jealous if HE'S the one flirting with other women, if other women are flirting with him I feel kinda like, well, I'm the one he's with so yay me! and for the most part indifferent lol

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by MissLaydeeLynn View Post
    Oh no! that sounds horrible, I hope you guys are still together. Atleast you had the guts to tell him lol, I think once I get past telling him what I plan on doing and if he doesn't accept it, I'm gonna do it anyways cause I know he's not gonna support all my financial needs for life. That way, I can't say that I didn't already warn him, and I guess if he wants to leave me for what I consider doing as a job.. than maybe he isn't the one for me... I just can't imagine losing him though, we've been through so much, I guess whats holding me back is that I've somewhat put him through alot already because I come from an asian background and he is black, mixed, but in my parents eyes, still black. I pretty much stuck with him, chose him over my family, and I know people that read this may not approve of it, but what if to say, him and I may not work out, and I end up dating a spanish guy after that?! I'll have to go through the same shit anyways, enough of my ranting, basically, I feel like he's gone through enough, living everyday to know my parents dont approve of us, and than dealing with the fact that I am pretty much naked infront of other guys.. I feel maybe it's too much?
    My parents hate my boyfriend but not cause of his race, that is saved for the rest of my family.. We are still together, just living apart for a while til there is enough money. But He still against me dancing but I'm still going to do it cause there is no real jobs around here.. I'm wasting time filling out papers and waiting for phone calls.. I also want a job I can make good money and still able to travel without the worry.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by MissLaydeeLynn View Post
    So my question is, how can I hide the fact that I dance/intend on dancing from my boyfriend? and losing him is not an option because I've been with him for 4 years strong and we intend on getting married, I would be absolutely devastated if I lost him, what excuses should I use?
    If he's that important to you... he should be important enough not to lie to or hide things from.

    Dancing is never "the only option".
    There's always work available if you look hard enough. Even if by some miracle EVERY job position in your city is filled 100% of the time (which I absolutely assure you is NOT the case)... There are day-labor companies. There are always random people around your very own neighborhood who will pay you for baby/dog-sitting, cleaning, lawn work.
    It may not be a job you want... but there are always jobs.
    Last edited by DesuvsDeath; 06-21-2010 at 11:22 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    I'm still stuck on him wanting you to sell drugs. Why would he want you to do something illegal? Why?
    Why would he want you to risk going to jail or getting hurt?
    I really think you need to GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY!

    Please stay safe.

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    Default Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by shasta View Post
    I'm still stuck on him wanting you to sell drugs. Why would he want you to do something illegal? Why?
    Why would he want you to risk going to jail or getting hurt?
    I really think you need to GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY!

    Please stay safe.
    Lol don't worry too much about me, and to him its the norm cause my dad/uncle/aunt/mom pretty much everyone used to be big in the drug industry, my sisters still are, and my bf has met my sisters (I've got 5, yes they all sell drugs), and he's surrounded by that sort of lifestyle they live, so I dont know, I guess he sees that they're happy, I always talk about how happy they are and what they do, and somehow, it's drilled in his head I come from this asian mob family, which is very close to the truth, and he also knows, if anything were to happen to me, daddy and mommy would come running to bail me out etc etc. However, I'm NOT down, I've seen the risks involved, been by my sisters bed side in the hospital once too many times, seen my uncle come home in an orange jumpsuit, seen my dad lose close to everything, but thank god he gained it all back plus some. I am also thankful that my father wasnt greedy and gave up that life once he was well established. I'll leave that lifestyle to my family, sisters, brother, and boyfriend lol and no matter where I go to try and get away from it, it follows me and people (amongst the asians) always know who I am, especially because my dad has a very large network of friends, people who owe him etc etc, so basically my boyfriend sees that i've grown up in that environment, WILL always and I really mean ALWAYS will be surrounded in that environment, unless there is a freak accident where my whole family, daddy's crazy mobsters friends, all die, *knocks on wood*, which i highly doubt will happen lol

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    Smiley Re: Boyfriend + me stripping = pending doom!!

    Quote Originally Posted by DesuvsDeath View Post
    If he's that important to you... he should be important enough not to lie to or hide things from.

    Dancing is never "the only option".
    There's always work available if you look hard enough. Even if by some miracle EVERY job position in your city is filled 100% of the time (which I absolutely assure you is NOT the case)... There are day-labor companies. There are always random people around your very own neighborhood who will pay you for baby/dog-sitting, cleaning, lawn work.
    It may not be a job you want... but there are always jobs.
    Lol i've tried, I've posted ads on kijiji for babysitting, lawn mowing, gardening, pet sitting, maid, and to my disappointment, nil, nada, its like no one wants to hire me, and I also go to school full time, so I also need to work around that. Also, realistically, that won't be enough for my school, much less, bills, and groceries. I'm really not trying to be in debt, cause i've seen how that builds up, and it builds up pretty quick. But thank you for your input regardless, I really appreciate it and you're right, he is important, and i've decided i will talk to him about my options, he knows i've been trying to look for work so i dont think he'll take it TOO badly lol, wish me luck haha

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