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Thread: Rant/Advice about future In-Laws

  1. #1
    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Rant/Advice about future In-Laws

    This is kinda long, but I need to get this off my chest.

    I have close to zero respect for my boyfriend's family. His parents are biologically his grandparents; they adopted him when he was a baby. His biological mother is their child, so legally she's his sister, and she's had five kids from three (possibly four) different dads, and didn't bother raising any of them. Legally, apparently, she has full custody of her three daughter, who are aged 13, 16, and 19. But they've never lived with her, only with the grandparents.

    And speaking of the grandparents, they've been married since the grandfather knocked the grandmother up when she was 14. Neither have any education to speak of. She's the worst fucking packrat I've ever seen. The house is two stories with a basement (my bf's bedroom is in the basement). But I didn't know it was two stories cause I'd never been upstairs. The other day I found out why: the stairs up are used as a storage space. Getting upstairs was like rockclimbing...the stuff covered the stairs by several feet. Upstairs there are three bedrooms, but you can't even get into them. They're filled floor to ceiling with just...crap. Who knows. Junk. Old clothes, toys, decorations, papers, whatever. The three girls sleep on the floor in the mother's room. The dad sleeps in a chair in the living room. They haven't shared a bedroom in decades. The kitchen was fucking DISGUSTING. Just crap. No counter space. The refrigerator had to be taped shut because it was so full. There was a waist-high pile of food in the corner on the floor.

    Well, they're all out of town for a month and a half, so my bf and I are staying at the house to take care of his mom's four holy terror little dogs that we both despise. And the bf decided he would do something nice by cleaning up the kitchen. Threw out like 10 garbage bags of rotten food, broken plates, and various stupid crap that was shoved in some corner and covered with dust. Well, he sent a pic of how clean the kitchen is to his mom, and she calls him, SCREAMING at him, saying she's going to kick him out if everything isn't exactly as she left it by the time she gets home. She called him a fucking selfish bastard. I was like !!!!!! DUDE. I mean, there were ants crawling around everywhere in the kitchen because it was so dirty. I don't think the counter had been wiped down in a decade. If CPS ever came to check the house, it would fail. It was that disgusting. I mean, we're not talking just messy--messy is annoying, but I can handle it. We're talking dirty. Unsanitary.

    We were at a father's day bbq at his house, and when he and his dad walked off to some other part of the backyard, his mom started talking about how she can't stand him (her HUSBAND) because he spends so much time up at his hunting camp--but, on second thought, she'd have no problem never seeing him, as long as he gives her his paycheck first. I was like, "um...." I was always taught to never air your dirty laundry in public. I just have no idea why she would ever THINK it's okay to insult him behind his back to people she barely even knows.

    And the dad is extremely weird. He only has like half his teeth so it's really difficult to understand him when he talks. He never has anything encouraging to say. Whenever Joe accomplishes anything, his dad just brings him down, says he shouldn't have done that, it's a dead end, will never lead anywhere, etc.

    I love Joe. We're going to get engaged pretty soon...we already went and got me sized for a ring. But he is big on family, and I just can't deal with them. They have like zero social skills. Honestly, they seem really, really trashy. Joe isn't like that at all. I just don't really know how to act around these people. Whenever I'm around them, they do not leave the best impression. They seem like negative, trashy people. And whatever Joe has told me about them hasn't been very nice, either. But then he's all surprised when I admitted to him that I'm not very fond of them. I mean, prove me wrong, you know? But I haven't really seen or heard any good in the situation. And what's more, his mom is MEAN. Vindictive. And it really pisses me off to see ANYONE treat him the way they do, because he's absolutely amazing. Seriously, like the most perfect guy I've ever met in my life. And he's a great son to them. They should thank their lucky stars they have someone like him. Instead, they just insult him and bring them down.

    I just don't know how to deal with this. Maybe I'm just being uppity or super judgmental. I don't know. But I need a peptalk, or advice, or something. Any ideas?

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant/Advice about future In-Laws

    She's a hoarder, it is a mental disease. You can't just go in and throw the shit out, this needs like an intervention and shit. You can read up on it here.

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    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant/Advice about future In-Laws

    My mom suggested that, but Joe says she would never in a million years agree to anything, that she would freak if someone even suggested medication or an intervention or anything along those lines. Like, throw people out. And get violent. The woman has an awful temper, and if anyone ever tries to mess with her little world, she apparently makes their lives hell. No one seems willing to try.

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    Default Re: Rant/Advice about future In-Laws

    Well yeah i imagine there is very little chance to get a crazy old lady to change her ways, i was mostly trying to explain where her reaction was coming from and why it's not a good idea to just throw the shit out when shes not around. I don't know what to tell you to be honest, my usual solution would be to get out of there as soon as i could and then cut them off completely but you say your bf is all about family. Sometimes you just can't help those people, they are just hardwired to take anything their family does because "they are family". I was raised differently, my parents were kind and loving but they had absolutely no problems cutting people out of their lives whether they were family or not. My advice? if you want a future with this guy you might as well get used to his baggage because it sounds like they are here to stay.

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    Default Re: Rant/Advice about future In-Laws

    yup like trem said she is probably no doubt a hoarder. if she was mad about trash gettin thrown out its almost no doubt she probably has ocd.

    not much u can really do unless u want to do an intervention. u could secretly call someone if children r living there n u feel this is puttin them in danger...that is just not healthy to have children or grown adults living around trash n excessive junk. not only very mentally unhealthy but physically unhealthy!

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    Veteran Member Spankie55's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant/Advice about future In-Laws

    I've learned from experience that men will always adore their parents,and there isn't a thing you can do to really change their mind. I hate my mother in law-she's the most annoying human being I've ever fucking talked to,but I've come to the conclusion that I will just have to deal with her..Of course if you're uncomfortable being in the house and being around the parents then say so,but he'll always be their kid,nothing you can do to change that. I'm sorry your in laws are fucking nutso and filthy and ewww
    I is a mommy.
    09.27.09

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    Featured Member Brooke's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant/Advice about future In-Laws

    I agree with everything said above - you can't hope to change this situation or your bf's attitude towards his family. It's admirable (if misguided) that he loves them so much despite their shortcomings and says a lot about the loyal husband he may be to you someday.

    BUT that does not change the fact that in-laws can rip apart an otherwise healthy relationship / marriage. If you want your future marriage with him to be successful, you and he have to have a frank discussion. Do NOT tell him that you don't like his family - I know you have already hinted at that and you need to back off, not be more honest. He knows how difficult his family is to love and telling him so will only push him away from you. But if you are going to be his wife someday, you will be a part of that family and some things have to happen to minimize conflict and allow you and bf to live a happy life together without so much outside drama it rips you apart. To that end, explain your concerns in terms of cause and effect - not in terms of like and dislike. "I feel embarassed when your mom bashes your dad in front of others. When that happens, I am going to walk away and if she has a problem with it I need you to support me." If you and he can agree on a course of action that meets both of your needs, you know you have good husband material!

    But I have to be honest with you - most of the issues you have cited (which are obviously a random sampling of the most recent egregious behavior) are not your problem or your business. They are not your daughters by lots of guys. It is not your house that's trashed and disgusting. Very little of what you demonstrate has any bearing on you at all, accept to offend your sensibilities. For that reason, you have to adopt a live and let live attitude. This is not yours to dictate or control, just to observe. And if you try then you give the in-laws the power to tear your relationship apart. If it doesn't affect you and you refuse to make a big deal of it anyway, then you are not giving anyone undue power over your relationship.

    If it does start to affect you more - like if you get engaged and mom feels threatened and starts trashing you - then you go back to the cause and effect. If you and he can agree on how you will mutually handle everything, then you're set. If not, he may not be the right guy.

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