1: Beer! Nothing else is acceptable. Abraham Lincoln didn't single handedly fight of the Nazis so you could celebrate Americas birthday by drinking Mikes "hard" lemonade you pansy. Saying your lemonade is hard is like bragging about being the toughest guy on the Jonas brothers fan club, even if its true it doesn't exactly mean a whole lot. Oh and make it a Bud, you already drank enough of the good stuff for St. Pattys and Cinco de Mayo.
2: Illegal Mexican Fireworks. Sure they are taking jobs away from hard working american fireworks, but lets be honest here for a moment. American fireworks have been so wussified over the years because drunk red necks keep blowing off their fingers that their only acceptable use is if you really want to celebrate that delightful gay sex you just had.
3. Dead animals. Preferably of the cow, pig and chicken variety, but feel free to improvise. Because meat is murder, and murder tastes delicious. Now, you might think since we are celebrating freedom and all that good stuff maybe some free range chicken would be a good idea, personally i prefer my chickens to be killed by cruel farmers in secret underground chicken killing tournaments.



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