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Thread: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

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    Veteran Member Su Su's Avatar
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    Default Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Okay so I have this thing that goes on in my family that everyone gives allowance money to my mom every week..
    The reason is that she doesn't work, she cooks and cleans blabla etc takes care of the family...

    Even though I don't make much money, she still wants me to give a bit to her.
    I mean, she's already getting allowance from the government and from my brother and dad... But she tells me "oh you haven't given me money this week, I don't have money for bla bla bla".

    My sister moved out when she was 19, and hasn't given money to her, my mom treats her like crap because of that.
    Like telling her not to come home cos she's not part of the family, and she's a slut for moving out with her bfs cos it's like SO fucking WRONG or something. When she eats some food my mom cooked, she tells her not to eat the food and cos it's hers.
    They recently had a fight over something stupid, my mom got pissy and changed the locks of our home so she can't come back in.....

    I don't know whether to continue giving her allowance or not, cos I can only make so much from work. I need the funds to save up for a car and studies also...
    I also plan to move in with my bf soon...

    Is it really so bad? Is it just me or is it my mother??
    Should I not feel bad and just move the heck out?


    Sorry for the rant >.<

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    Veteran Member Autumn Lily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Many adult kids who live under their parents' houses will sometimes pay their parents for rent to help out with bills or for their own personal use or whatever. I'm fine with this notion, so long as it's an understanding of a set rate at a certain interval ($20 a week, or $100 a month, that kind of thing). Giving them money of varying amounts whenever they ask for it is a different story.

    I'd say sit down with your mom and talk with her about what she expects out of you for living in her house. Regardless of who's putting more money into it for bills, services, whatever, the bottom line is that it is HER house. Ask her if she wants rent, and then agree on a set amount that she expects you to pay while you live under her roof, and that as soon as you move out to live with your boyfriend, that cash flow will not, and should not be expected to, be continued.

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    Veteran Member Su Su's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Thing is, she expects 150 a week.
    Now that I'm working a different job that gets me paid fortnightly, she expected 200 a fortnight.

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    Featured Member flickad's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    I don't thing there's anything wrong with helping your mother out, but this situation sounds unhealthy. Like she has you over a barrel and like her love is conditional. And that the condition on which your relationship rests is you giving her money. Getting out will be a good thing. I also don't see that she needs that much from everyone if she's getting government money too. And why is it that she expects your sister to pay her when your sister doesn't live there now?

    P.S. - I paid less rent than that when I was sharehousing with two others. And rentals are through the roof in Melbourne.

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    What do you get for 200 a fortnight? free rent? free food? free maid service? Consider yourself lucky and give her the money and your heartfelt thanks. Or move out and expect to spend 5-10 times as much on the same stuff she gives you now.

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    Veteran Member SteveSmith's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    $150 a week sounds high to me. She should take into account your income but $75 sounds more reasonable. Family should get a discount when living with other family members.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    I'd say def pay a bit in rent to help with household bills if you are living there. But your mother sounds insane..no offense. As in...she expects your sister to pay her when she doesnt live there? Pay her for what exactly?

    Your mother IS making her love conditional on getting money and thats NOT ok.

    I say move out. And be prepared to be treated like your sister.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    pay her some rent...or move the hell out. very basic.
    i wouldn't allow someone to mooch off of me , child or no child.
    until you get your own place, you will not understand her.
    your mom probably treats your sister like that because she comes off ungrateful.
    if my child wouldn't help me out and ive raised his ass for 19years...well then he wouldn't be eating at my house either!!!! badabing! badaboom!

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    If you're happy there, stay & pay. If you want more freedoms, move out & distance yourself. I helped my mom out when I was living with her, but she was a PITA & I disliked that arrangement.

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    Banned malayataylor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Hmm I disagree with some of the views here.

    I would never require my child to pay me rent. That is just nuts! I know she'll want to move out when she gets older but I will do everything I can to make her stay.. including buying a bigger house and giving her her own section of the house if I have to. I'd never tell her "Pay rent or Move" HELL NO!

    If she makes up her mind that she wants to move, I will put money together and pay for her place for at least 6 months so she won't have to worry about rent and take time to settle/ get herself together.

    I can move back home to Nigeria anytime and live rent free with my parents. My parents have a very big house in Nigeria and I could "mooch" of them if I wanted..see the difference is they don't see it as mooching. My parents call me all the time crying so I can come back home and live with them. Eh wont' do it! I just won't do it for obvious reasons.

    My child is my child. Hell my cousin lived with me for 6 months and I didn't make her pay a dime. That is how I treat my family even when they are wrong sometimes. I will never make a family member pay to live with me. That is cruel.
    This is just unheard of in my family. I hear about situations like this all the time and It blows my mind. We, Nigerians, Value family way too much to treat family like this. My mom would call this "American Style".

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    What do you get for 200 a fortnight? free rent? free food? free maid service? Consider yourself lucky and give her the money and your heartfelt thanks. Or move out and expect to spend 5-10 times as much on the same stuff she gives you now.
    But it sounds like even if she moved out her mom would expect money.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Yeah I agree with CK and Malaya... I think your mom is completely using you and your sister. I can understand helping out and everything, but when she has money from the government, your dad and brother, AND you, AND expects to be paid by your sister too...? Your sister doesn't even live there or use utilities or anything. That is completely wrong of her to tell your sis she can't come over and eat because she didn't pay for the food.

    Sorry if this is a little harsh, but I wouldn't put up with it. There's a difference between helping out because you live there, and being completely taken advantage of. I lived on my own in a decent loft and only paid like 475 a month for my own 1000 square feet of space and privacy.
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Quote Originally Posted by shasta View Post
    But it sounds like even if she moved out her mom would expect money.
    That's when you tell her to fuck off of course. As it is right now her demands seem entirely reasonable.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    If you live with your parents, and you're an adult, you should definitely pay some rent or make a contribution. They have an obligation to support you, but, only while you're a minor. If you are an adult (unless you're a full time student) you should definitely pay your fair share... no more, no less. Honestly, $200 doesn't sound like a lot, specially considering everything you get in addition to a room (assuming you are provided with free food, drinks, meals, "maid" services, etc.) But, if you can move in with your BF and spend less than that (highly doubtful), then do it.

    Supporting parents after you've moved out - this really varies from culture to culture and from family to family. If the parents are old and in financial hardship, the children (to the extent they can) will usually help the parents out, even if the children are independent and living away from home. I don't know if this is the case with your mother (i.e., whether she needs help to survive, or whether she's just being greedy).

    Adult children in Central and South America will often come work in the US and send money back to their poor parents in those countries. Or, if they are all living here, it is normal for the adult children (living at home) to pay their share of household expenses. In fact, the parents rely on the children's support when they calculate how much mortgage they can afford to pay. Everyone's salary is included in the calculation - even the teenagers' - and everyone is expected to pay their share of the mortgage and household expenses.

    In many cultures, the children may chip in to buy their parents a new car (assuming the parents drive an old car and don't have the disposible income to replace it with a new car). In the Asian culture, I've seen even more generosity - the children chip in to buy their poorer parents a house.

    What the standard in your family - if your mother's sister, brother, friends, etc. all get a lot of support from their children, your mother is probably wondering, why are MY children not being so generous like so-and-so's children.

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    Banned malayataylor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Dosen't matter what age the family member is. A family member is a family member. This is how we do things in my country. No matter where we go that follows us. We don't charge family members rent/for food and we don't make them give us money. Again like my mom would say this is "American Style" AND I don't think it's right.

    To each their own.

    I know lots of people who don't charge their family member rent (Americans). It's just not cool!

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    Senior Member mandy216's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    I think that its entirely reasonable to give your mother "some" money if its needed to maintain the household, but I can't imagine ever charging my own kids rent, let alone $600 a month. That just seems outrageous to me. If you are giving her 150 a week, I'd say move out. That would be enough to cover getting an apartment of your own in most areas I'd imagine.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Quote Originally Posted by mandy216 View Post
    I think that its entirely reasonable to give your mother "some" money if its needed to maintain the household, but I can't imagine ever charging my own kids rent, let alone $600 a month. That just seems outrageous to me. If you are giving her 150 a week, I'd say move out. That would be enough to cover getting an apartment of your own in most areas I'd imagine.
    Yeah I'll understand if my parents were disabled/not working.. I guess because my family is well off so it's not a thought that's a different situation. However if my parents required that I pay rent, I would help. I wouldn't say oh no because I'm your daughter. I'm just saying it's something my parents/or I would ever do.

    I don't see how someone could charge their kid rent. it's like wow to me.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    I agree with Malaya. Plus, the demands on the sister make this situation very weird. She won't even let her come over and have a meal with family? Crazy.
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Quote Originally Posted by malayataylor View Post
    Dosen't matter what age the family member is. A family member is a family member. This is how we do things in my country. No matter where we go that follows us. We don't charge family members rent/for food and we don't make them give us money. Again like my mom would say this is "American Style" AND I don't think it's right.
    I would consider it "charging rent" if you are trying to make a profit off of them. But, if you are only asking them to contribute their fair share of the expenses, its not "charging rent", but rather "sharing expenses" - families share.

    Also, if you're better off then your related guest and can absorb the additional expense of that person living with you, that's fine. But, the average American family on a fixed income will have to give up something to absorb the extra expense of a long-term guest (higher costs for electricity, food, water, etc.). If your related guest is worst off than you (i.e., she just lost her job), then you try to manage without asking for anything. But, if your guest has a steady income and could easily afford to pay her share... you're being taken advantage of if they contribute nothing. Family members can be the biggest moochers if given the opportunity.

    About my kids - I am "busting my hump" and making a HUGE investment to provide them the best education and give them the best tools for them to become intelligent self-reliant independent adults. Once, this process is complete, I expect them to apply those tools, be independent, and not suck any more blood out of me.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    About my kids - I am "busting my hump" and making a HUGE investment to provide them the best education and give them the best tools for them to become intelligent self-reliant independent adults. Once, this process is complete, I expect them to apply those tools, be independent, and not suck any more blood out of me.
    While understandable, This is another example of "American Style".

    I wouldn't see it as "sucking" blood out of me. I started a college fund for my daughter (who is now 2) last year. I am hoping that she uses that money wisely. However, If my daughter needed my help EVER. I would NEVER turn her away. If she wanted to stay with me till she was 25 years old, I would let her and I wouldn't charge her rent. This is someone that came out of me. This is just ME (and a few others) I guess. I just don't see it as "sucking" and "mooching". Just not how I was raised..I guess.

    To the op: What your mother is doing to you is just WRONG! Pay her something if she asks but don't give her money ontop of that. Ignore her requests for money other than rent!

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Quote Originally Posted by mandy216 View Post
    I think that its entirely reasonable to give your mother "some" money if its needed to maintain the household, but I can't imagine ever charging my own kids rent, let alone $600 a month.
    I think some of us are confused about the amount - the OP needs to clarify. A "fortnight" is 14 days, right? So its about $400 a month? How does this compare to renting a similar size apartment? Is your mother being greedy, or is this a fair share of all the expenses?

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Quote Originally Posted by malayataylor View Post
    However, If my daughter needed my help EVER. I would NEVER turn her away. If she wanted to stay with me till she was 25 years old, I would let her and I wouldn't charge her rent. This is someone that came out of me. This is just ME (and a few others) I guess. I just don't see it as "sucking" and "mooching". Just not how I was raised..I guess.
    Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't turn away a child, either (unless they became a violent criminal or drug addict, etc.). And, if they had a good reason for staying with me, like they were saving up for a downpayment on a house, I wouldn't ask for a dime.

    However, if they're just plain lazy or they're making good money, but prefer to spend it all on expensive designer clothes, partying, etc... I would be spoiling them and doing them a major disservice by letting them live with me rent-free. I stress to my kids the importance of proper education, financial responsibility and self-reliance. I've had moochers in my family, and none of them learned to become hard-working and self-reliant, until they were finally booted out of the nest.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't turn away a child, either (unless they became a violent criminal or drug addict, etc.). And, if they had a good reason for staying with me, like they were saving up for a downpayment on a house, I wouldn't ask for a dime.

    However, if they're just plain lazy or they're making good money, but prefer to spend it all on expensive designer clothes, partying, etc... I would be spoiling them and doing them a major disservice by letting them live with me rent-free. I stress to my kids the importance of proper education, financial responsibility and self-reliance. I've had moochers in my family, and none of them learned to become hard-working and self-reliant, until they were finally booted out of the nest.
    Well of course. Now you're talking. THIS I agree with!

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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    Yes, it would be like 400 a month if she's paying 200 a fortnight. And I had my own place with my own rules for 475 a month.

    I would understand if you were wasting your money or whatever, like above mentioned... but taking 400 a month from you doesn't give you as much to save for moving out on your own. This sounds like something my mother would do because she is obsessive and controlling and wants me to stay at home and not make anything of myself.
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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong to give my mother money?

    But its not 400 dollars a month for rent. It's rent, food and maid service.

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