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Thread: Crushes while in a relationship.

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    Dizzy Crushes while in a relationship.

    As title says, my boyfriend has a 'crush' on another woman. It's someone he works with (he works nights I should add) and I don't think it's serious or anything. He's leaving his job this week, so I know it won't go further than just a crush. I know he feels guilty about it, and keeps apologizing. I guess you can't help how you feel.... *shrugs*

    At first I was really upset, and now I'm just kinda weirded out, y'know? I've never really developed a 'crush' on another guy while I've been with my boyfriend; I've only ever wanted him. I mean, I find other guys hot, but I've never been attached to their personalities or anything. I don't think it's in me to feel anything romantic for more than one person at a time.

    So; crushes while in a relationship? Does this happen to anyone else? Is it normal? I'm not sure what to think. I'm past being upset, and only a teensy bit jealous...mostly I'm just perplexed.

    This is in The Lounge instead of life support because it's not really support I'm needing...it's personal anecdotes/opinions. What do you think about the situation?



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    Veteran Member Firewall's Avatar
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    I'm also curious as to what people think. I know the feeling of being attracted to someone else while taken, but I have enough control/respect/love for my partner to not let it go farther. I think acknowledging others' attractiveness and not acting on it is a good thing, definitely better than trying to deny that we never thik someone else is attractive.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    You can't help the way you feel, but you can control what you do about it.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Here's an interesting article that says crushes are "healthy" as long as you don't cross the line:

    http://www.myoptumhealth.com/portal/...e&clicked=true

    I've had "crushes" on dancers, but this hasn't caused me to act creepy with them or cheat on my GF. I just enjoy the novelty and excitement of it without "crossing the line".
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    It's totally normal.. I have read somewhere as a marriage (I know your not married but its an example) progesses both partners will get crushes or attracted to someone within their marriage life. Is it bad? I dont think so. It still keeps the thrill and shows signs of a heathy relationship. We're old enough to know right from wrong whether its a crush or not. The fact that he told you - shows he loves you and wants you two to have honestly about this topic. He knows its "wrong' since he saying sorry which is a good sign. If he didnt feel bad about.. Then you'd be worried! Crushes go away sooner or later... I had a few crushes while being in my relationship but I didnt go any further from crushes since knowing you're in a relationship is the first step. They went away within 2 days max. I wouldnt stress about it ... He's leaving his work within a week too.

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    God/dess 4everresolutions's Avatar
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Here's an interesting article that says crushes are "healthy" as long as you don't cross the line:

    http://www.myoptumhealth.com/portal/...e&clicked=true

    I've had "crushes" on dancers, but this hasn't caused me to act creepy with them or cheat on my GF. I just enjoy the feeling without "crossing the line".
    Alright, so it's not unheard of. That's good. Although he does cross one of those lines listed at the bottom. He works 8 hour shifts 4 times and week and goes to University with this woman, and tends to tell her things he doesn't tell me. Hmmm....



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    God/dess Kylea2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    I don't know that I ever really get "crushes", but I might find a guy whom I have a mutual interest in... sometimes multiple. I don't really pursue them until I'm finished with whatever relationship I'm currently in. I guess it's kind of like "take a number", & I know when one relationship ends I have other guys who are interested.
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    ^ Haha! This is a good way to play it- "take a number". Love it.



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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kisca View Post
    It's totally normal.. I have read somewhere as a marriage (I know your not married but its an example) progesses both partners will get crushes or attracted to someone within their marriage life. Is it bad? I dont think so. It still keeps the thrill and shows signs of a heathy relationship. We're old enough to know right from wrong whether its a crush or not. The fact that he told you - shows he loves you and wants you two to have honestly about this topic. He knows its "wrong' since he saying sorry which is a good sign. If he didnt feel bad about.. Then you'd be worried! Crushes go away sooner or later... I had a few crushes while being in my relationship but I didnt go any further from crushes since knowing you're in a relationship is the first step. They went away within 2 days max. I wouldnt stress about it ... He's leaving his work within a week too.
    Alright well now I'm feeling like the odd one out! I want a crush. I miss that butterfly feeling. I still get it with my boyfriend, but we're long distance and I only get it when I see him (once a month or so).

    Maybe I need to develop a crush on a server at a coffee shop. Get my daily dose of crush-giddyness.



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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    Alright well now I'm feeling like the odd one out! I want a crush. I miss that butterfly feeling. I still get it with my boyfriend, but we're long distance and I only get it when I see him (once a month or so).

    Maybe I need to develop a crush on a server at a coffee shop. Get my daily dose of crush-giddyness.
    Hahah or... the night front desk guy!

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    Maybe I need to develop a crush on a server at a coffee shop. Get my daily dose of crush-giddyness.
    Start flirting outside of work... you'll find one.
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    A? Ewww.....

    And Robs gay! Hahaha! That wouldn't work well. He is my bestest guyfriend though.

    Theres no one crush worthy around here.....



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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kylea2 View Post
    Start flirting outside of work... you'll find one.
    Oh no...that wouldn't feel right. Flirting with someone else would feel like cheating....

    And because of dancing I don't think I can flirt anymore. I have two modes 1)Stripper Hustler mode and 2)Lazy sweat-pant wearing mode....I can see myself slipping while trying to flirt and start hustling the shit out of the bank-teller.



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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Crushes sound like high school. Most adults dispense with that crap and just go for it even at the expense of deep sixing prior relationships. Having a presumed steady ongoing relationship while one party or the other is is "crushing" seems juvenile to me.

    FBR
    Once again I have embraced my addiction and have put off the moral dilemma to another day.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    ^ Nah, I like the feeling I get from having a new crush. Its attraction + lust + novelty + mystery + excitement + nervousness + delight.

    I've got a LTR that I've been with on and off for a long time. We have real "love" and a true & solid bond and partnership. The attraction and lust is always there, but the mystery, novelty and nervousness is long gone. My innocent crushes on dancers brings some of that excitement and thrill back into my life, without any injury to my relationship with my GF.

    I choose dancers as the objects of my crushes because they are a safe target. Spending time with them in the SC is just a fantasy and unlikely to evolve into anything dangerous.
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    I think it's normal. It happens to me, anyway... so it must be normal :-).

    I had a really strong one two years ago, could think of anything else for about two weeks. Felt like high school. The difference was, I knew it would go away eventually. The funny thing is, I only had interaction with the person ONCE, for about two hours, and that's all it took for a raging crush. When someone's cool, they're really kewl, I guess.

    What's not totally okay is that he's sharing things with her that he's not sharing with you. If it's a minor thing here and there, not a big deal, but if it's an ongoing phenomenon, then I'd say it could be. I suspect that it's a minor thing, because he told you about it.

    My inclination would be to say that he's pretty honest and that it's probably not a big deal. If they stay in regular contact for more than a few weeks (as in, talking every day, not every month) after they stop working together, then I'd get concerned.

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    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    I have a theory that monogamy increases the risk of this kind of thing happening.

    If you were to encourage your SO to explore his infatuation, he could dispell any fantasies he might have about her being an option. He could essentially get her out of his system--whereas if she remains an unknown, unexplored crush, he can idealize her.

    It's risky and not for everyone, but that's what works for my relationship. It takes a shitload of trust.

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    Veteran Member Firewall's Avatar
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    I don't think it's juvenile because it's naturally exciting to meet / see someone you are attracted to / get along well with. Not to say you'll pursue this person or the feelings, but it's still creates butterflies.

    jack has the right idea. We all know true relationships are the ones that persist after those butterflies have all gone and we are still in love. Going though the initial excitement phase with another person says nothing about our commitement to our current SO.

    I think crushes are healthy in moderation. Like any drug I suppose.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    ^ I agree with Firewall & jack as well.

    Drama is acting upon those crushes as if they had meaning. Enjoying it in a safe way is probably the best way we can compromise with evolution/biology.

    I wish I could do like charlie, and I'm sure she's right, but SO doesn't like the idea.

    I also have purely mental crushes, where I fall in love with someone's personality. The person need not be physically attractive to me (though if they're repulsive, it's usually a barrier). Those are probably much more dangerous to my relationship with SO, and much harder for me to get under control.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    I think crushes are normal. My guy ( we've only been dating 5-6 weeks ) confessed that he had a hard time not paying attention to a friend of a friend and I felt like it was the confessional was not needed. I was just like of like " well ... you know I travel a lot and I meet lots of interesting people. I get crushes too but I'm not going to give you all kinds of details about them ". I told him if it wasn't for STD risk, I'd probably give him a free pass once a month or so. I'm just so paranoid of STD's that monogamy is the only way I can by sexual.

    Charlie .... could we ask for more details ?
    I was kind of approaching my recent situation that same way. I was just kind of like " Eh ...she smokes ( he hates that ). I knew she's a bit of a ditz ect. That's why I *almost* was like ... " yeah ... take her out a couple times...who cares ? ". I
    n your relationship, can you both go on dates with other people ? Can you also be physical with others ? Once I was open about the possibility that he might actually be ok to take her out + not lose me ... he was like " Oh ... maybe it was just because she had really sexy shoes ". Lol.

    I also have another crush. A sexy computer nerd that was REALLY nice to me at a party I attended with his DOUCEBAG friend ( oops ) added me to facebook suddenly and has also been popping up in an online forum I use IRL. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I do enjoy dating J VERY much. I'm also probably going to feel things out with M .
    Last edited by carmen_b; 09-08-2010 at 09:29 AM.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    Charlie .... could we ask for more details ?
    I was kind of approaching my recent situation that same way. I was just kind of like " Eh ...she smokes ( he hates that ). I knew she's a bit of a ditz ect. That's why I *almost* was like ... " yeah ... take her out a couple times...who cares ? ". I
    n your relationship, can you both go on dates with other people ? Can you also be physical with others ? Once I was open about the possibility that he might actually be ok to take her out + not lose me ... he was like " Oh ... maybe it was just because she had really sexy shoes ". Lol.
    My SO and I are emotionally monogamous and physically non-monogamous, but we very rarely do anything outside of our relationship. My guy is naturally a monogamous man, so he'd prefer the relationship to be closed off completely.

    On my side of things, I develop crushes when I am not allowed to explore them. In monogamous relationships, I suddenly start noticing random people (yes, even though I'm asexual), and wanting to seduce them, get to know them better, etc. It makes me crazy!

    When I'm in a relationship that's non-monogamous, because all of these people become actual options...I lose interest. It's the powerful fantasy that your mind constructs of, "I bet he's ___" that is destructive to relationships. So if you open that monogamous door in your relationship to let a little non-monogamy in, even if neither of you take advantage of the option, it lets the fresh air of reality back into the relationship.

    In other words, even if you physically desire some people, you quickly realize that what you already have at home is a much better option, as he is usually both a physical and emotional fit.

    Every single time I've developed these crushes, my SO has allowed me to explore them. And this usually kills my urges almost instantly. Or at worst, I'll hang out with the person, make out with him/her, and then completely lose the urge to go further.

    This strategy has been the saving grace of my relationship. I used to be one of those girls who would have 2-3 SO's, or just be miserable in a single relationship. I used to think I would never be able to stay in a stable relationship.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    I have had crushes in relationships and in most cases they were just simple crushes, almost like you'd get on a movie star. I did act on one crush (friend of my exboyfriend) while I was still dating him, but the relationship was fading anyway. As I get older, almost all of my butterfly crushes tended to be superficial things that faded fast (whether I dated or not) and my relationships more of a realistic love.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    I'm not sure this would work for me. I've dated multiple men at once and find it sort of thrilling but also wind of feeling guilty ( if things go beyond making out with one though ...that's it ... I won't be sexual with more than one ). Right now... I'm happy with J ... BUT with his heavy work hours and his tendency to alternate days of seeing me / then a day to himself .... I'm getting lonely. He works till 8:30-9p.m. ( starts at 9 a.m.). My hot cuddle buddy moved on I think.

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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    Do Colin Ferrell and Christian Bale count?
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: Crushes while in a relationship.

    CHRISTIAN BALE! OMG OMG OMG OMG! *drool*



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