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Thread: Traumatized newbie needs help

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    Default Traumatized newbie needs help

    So I started dancing at a strip club about a week ago. The first night was ok, except that I got hardly any sleep the night before because I was so nervous, and ended up going home early because I was so exhausted. The second night was better, I made some money and all the guys seemed pretty decent.

    The third night, I had my stage set right away and a guy waved me over to talk to him right after that. I chatted with him for a while and even though I got kind of a bad vibe off of him, I took him back for a lapdance anyway. I gave him the rules (customers can only touch the waist/hips). He was being gross and grabby, and doing this weird tongue wiggle thing at me (ewwww) but I was evading and handling it until he LICKED MY BOOB. I immediately told him very emphatically NOT to do that, and he was relatively well behaved until the end of the dance, when he stood up and gave me a hug and rubbed his boner on me through his pants--he was clearly not wearing underwear.

    So I went back to the dressing room, and all that I could think about was that I had just gotten $10 for a guy to lick me and rub his boner on me and that this was definitely NOT worth it. I think what really upset me was that I put myself into the situation--I was more mad at myself than at the gross boner guy. I ended up going to management and telling them I didn't want to dance anymore, and asking for my old job back as a beer tub girl. That night they said it was dancing or nothing, but a couple days later they called me and said I could do the beer tub again--I'm sure they ultimately want me to go back to dancing again, and I WANT to go back to dancing, but only after I stop feeling so freaked out.

    So my questions are:

    1. Am I being too sensitive here?

    2. If so, how do I get over worrying that everyone I approach is going to molest me?

    3. Seriously, why would anyone think licking someone's boob in a $20 lapdance is ok? It seems like "DON'T LICK THE STRIPPERS" is a pretty easy rule to understand.

    Thanks!

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    are dances 10$ or 20$ in your club? you name 2 prices. anyway, thats not the point.


    you are gonna need to grow a thick skin. a lot of customers are perverts and will try this. if you have a thinner skin, get your money up front, and when his tongue makes contact with your boob leave. if you have a thicker skin continue with the dance, but be a jerk to them. Someone suggested doing a 'fish face' to the lickers a while back and i like this suggestion. basiclaly grab them by the cheeks and squeeze them together and tell them no. i tend to slap them, but i dont recommend that for most girls. or you can dodge it. and if he tries to hug you and rub his boner on you, yell at him.

    it can be a rough job. luckily not all customers are like that but those that are ruin your day. as a newbie its probably just best to try to avoid those who give off the obvious creep vibes. and learn to be firm. some girls suggest no with a flirtatious giggle... idk im mean about it and i make money. if they want to act like animals, treat them like animals. you always have to be in charge.

    luck with whatever you chose.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Featured Member tampadancer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    I'd say something like this has probably happened to just about everyone on the board. It sucks, and you have a right to be upset - but remember that not all customers are assholes.

    When something like this happened to me, I would take back the control. Instead of getting upset and just continuing on with the dance, I would make a big deal about how inappropriate his action was, that he totally violated the club rules, and that is grounds for being thrown out of and banned from the club. However, for x amount of dollars, I'd forget about it. Generally, after being humiliated, the guys would happily pay up.

    This way, I wasn't just getting 20 bucks for doing a dance with a gross panty-less (haha) dude who licked my boob (or whatever) - I got 70 bucks (or whatever I charged him). He was being fined for his bad behavior in the same way that dancers are fined by management for breaking rules.

    I'm sure not every dancer is comfortable doing this - but it is how I handled those types of guys.

    ETA: also, be very clear about your rules BEFORE beginning your dances. Let them know exactly where they can and cannot touch you. You don't have to be a bitch about it - I would be very sultry when I told them, or say something like "I want you to enjoy this, so don't make me force you to sit on your hands" and wink. This way, it is very clear what you expect from the get-go. I found that including flattery also worked, like, "I'm sure I don't have to tell you this because you seem like a gentleman, but (insert personal rules)." It worked for me because I played up the classy monroe image.
    Last edited by tampadancer; 10-10-2010 at 02:26 PM. Reason: added

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    Veteran Member renaissancelove's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    You're not being overly sensitive at all. You have a right to be upset!

    Personally, I fine guys for doing shit like that to me.

    This most commonly happens to me in VIP. When it does I simply fine him and tell him I am either going to leave OR he can buy more time to make up for him being such a bad boy.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    ^^meh this approach entirely seems to depend on whether club management actually will back you up. some clubs will throw a guy out who so much as looks at you wrong, some clubs wont even throw a guy out who attempts to sexually assault a dancer.

    i used to do this but i wasnt so great at it. i should try doing it more. just wondering, if you work in a place where management never has your back, how do you go about doing this? especially if they are aware that other dancers allow __ and __ and __ etc.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Veteran Member renaissancelove's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    ^
    At my club, management and the vip hosts back you up 100%. But at other clubs I tend to do what tampadancer does. Just make a big deal out of it and tell him for X-amount, I'll forget it ever happened.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Athena - I've worked at clubs where management had your back, and ones where they didn't. It didn't matter to me - I'd still fine them. I just convinced them that they WOULD get thrown out - regardless of how true that was. And if they'd say, well so-and-so does x - I'd simply explain that I was not so-and-so, so they were out of luck.

    As long as a dancer makes her rules CLEAR before beginning a dance, there is no excuse for that type of behavior. Before I started fining guys at some of the particularly dirty nude clubs I worked at, I'd feel like shit about myself because some dude did whatever. But for me, by punishing them with a fine, it makes clear that a)I will not tolerate such acts, allowing me to regain control of the situation, and b)that I've been compensated for the wrongdoing.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Athena- The cheapest option at the club for a topless dance is "2 for 20," and the club takes $10 out of that. If you sell a larger amount of dances at once, like 5 for 50, they don't take as much money. So he paid 20$, but I only got 10.

    I know I need a thicker skin. I also need to get over my need to be so nice to everybody--some people don't deserve it and will just take advantage. I worked in retail commission sales for years and years, which developed a mindset where even if I don't like someone, I'll be nice and make a sale. I think that I need to adjust that attitude for my own mental health. Also I need to just avoid the creeps--it's really not worth it for me to deal with them.

    Tampadancer- I really like both your lines for starting the dance with the rules without being too bitchy about it. Fining them is a good idea too--I get the sense that the bouncers and management will back up the dancers, but since I'm new I'm not 100% sure.

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    Featured Member MarvelGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    1. Am I being too sensitive here?

    No, most women don't enjoy being sexually assaulted or fondled against their will. You are not being too sensitive.

    2. If so, how do I get over worrying that everyone I approach is going to molest me?

    Listen to your instincts and don't be afraid to tell someone to fuck off or to get their fucking hands off of you. When guys stick their tongue out during a dance, I stop the dance and tell them to put it away NOW. I don't give a shit if they get upset because I'm selling dances, not licks. I am not a fucking tootsie pop.

    3. Seriously, why would anyone think licking someone's boob in a $20 lapdance is ok? It seems like "DON'T LICK THE STRIPPERS" is a pretty easy rule to understand.

    These are the same guys who have no problem paying a 15 year old runaway $20 to suck their dick. They're the same guys who bitch about dancers not letting them finger them or fuck them for the price of a $20 lapdance. Most of them have serious issues with women and the stripclub is a place where they feel safe taking out their anger on women. If you stand up to them and refuse to play the victim, most of them will slink away like the pathetic cowards they are.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    in addition to the advice you've gotten already:

    a lot of these guys are pervs in ways you probably don't suspect. they want to be punished, yelled at, charged more, called disgusting. yes, it's very strange. but they like it. if you treat them like the scum they are, it'll pay off more often than it won't.

    similar things happen onstage. if a guy asks what you'll do for a dollar, well, you won't do jack shit for a dollar. enough guys will love this and tip a bunch more than a dollar that it more than makes up for the losers who'll keep their dollar and not tip at all.
    -love everyone but keep them far from your soul-

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post

    Listen to your instincts and don't be afraid to tell someone to fuck off or to get their fucking hands off of you. When guys stick their tongue out during a dance, I stop the dance and tell them to put it away NOW. I don't give a shit if they get upset because I'm selling dances, not licks. I am not a fucking tootsie pop.
    I'm going back on Wednesday, and that's exactly the attitude I'm going to take. If my instincts say the guy is a creep, I'm not going to hesitate to avoid them. If a guy starts to step over the line, rather than just trying to evade whatever's he's trying to do, I'm going to say very clearly that it's not ok. I think a lot of what freaked me out so much was the feeling of not being in control of the situation. As long as I stay in control, I'll be ok.

    She Sells Sanctuary:

    It's funny, I've heard of guys being into financial domination, but I never considered it in a strip club context! Definitely something to consider .

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    Veteran Member loren's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    What works for me is saying - "don't do anything to make the bouncers mad". Then you can say no licking, biting, or boob smashing. Then say be gentle like a feather while touching his face very delicately.
    Never use the term vip host or floor host when you want to scare a guy. Always say the word bouncer.
    It is a rough business so you have to be very strong mentally and don't be afraid to speak up.
    Do not be afraid to use the word NO without any explanation. Be patient. Do not smile or giggle. Do not be afraid of the silence that comes after using the word NO. Some of these guys have no problem with victimizing and taking advantage of young girls. You need to be on top of the mind games, which is all about knowledge and being prepared.
    Confidence


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    Featured Member laurcon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    When I first started dancing the clubs I worked usually took $10 out of the $20 LD price, or about that. I found that it was certainly not worth $10 to dance for the type of customers that came into those clubs. Is only doing stage an option for you? That's what I did till I made my way to the big city where I don't mind get my boob licked for $500/hr with a customer I like.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Quote Originally Posted by kitkaboodle View Post
    So my questions are:

    1. Am I being too sensitive here?

    2. If so, how do I get over worrying that everyone I approach is going to molest me?

    3. Seriously, why would anyone think licking someone's boob in a $20 lapdance is ok? It seems like "DON'T LICK THE STRIPPERS" is a pretty easy rule to understand.
    Do you think that you should feel guilty because he is a predatory criminal who committed the crime of sexual assault against you?
    Negative emotions have a reason. They are essential to your survival. You offered to do a lap dance for 20. He sexually assaulted you. Here is a great video that will help you understand the importance of negative emotions. YOU have nothing to feel guilty about. UPSET yes.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aFvz...has_verified=1
    Confidence


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    Featured Member MarvelGirl's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Quote Originally Posted by kitkaboodle View Post
    I'm going back on Wednesday, and that's exactly the attitude I'm going to take. If my instincts say the guy is a creep, I'm not going to hesitate to avoid them. If a guy starts to step over the line, rather than just trying to evade whatever's he's trying to do, I'm going to say very clearly that it's not ok. I think a lot of what freaked me out so much was the feeling of not being in control of the situation. As long as I stay in control, I'll be ok.
    Good for you hon, don't take any shit. I was full on assaulted my first week in the club. Some douchebag came in his pants and then rubbed it on me. I had worked in the sex industry as a prostitute before dancing and no one had ever disrespected me like that. It was shocking. Just remember that you have all of the control. Don't ever be afraid to walk away from money to save your dignity.

    You're going to be just fine. You just started and you can already say that this is bullshit and you aren't going to take it. I've met women who have worked in this industry for years (even decades!) and they still can't do that. Good for you! Make your money girl, and don't let losers give you any shit, they usually don't have much money anyways!

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    Senior Member MOP's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    I totally agree your not being overly sensitive for feeling violated but, this stripping....grow some brass one's.
    I'M A HUSTLA HOMIE!!!

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    are dances 10$ or 20$ in your club? you name 2 prices. anyway, thats not the point.


    you are gonna need to grow a thick skin. a lot of customers are perverts and will try this. if you have a thinner skin, get your money up front, and when his tongue makes contact with your boob leave. if you have a thicker skin continue with the dance, but be a jerk to them. Someone suggested doing a 'fish face' to the lickers a while back and i like this suggestion. basiclaly grab them by the cheeks and squeeze them together and tell them no. i tend to slap them, but i dont recommend that for most girls. or you can dodge it. and if he tries to hug you and rub his boner on you, yell at him.

    it can be a rough job. luckily not all customers are like that but those that are ruin your day. as a newbie its probably just best to try to avoid those who give off the obvious creep vibes. and learn to be firm. some girls suggest no with a flirtatious giggle... idk im mean about it and i make money. if they want to act like animals, treat them like animals. you always have to be in charge.

    luck with whatever you chose.
    yea, really. I agree.

    To the young woman who is traumatized:
    Grow a thick skin hon...this job isn't sunshine, rainbows, and fluffy little lambs. It's taking your clothes off for money in front of sometimes really odd, creepy men. I've had men try to lick me on some parts of my body, ATTEMPT to finger both holes (once it was a try for both holes @ the same time ), and another tried to even kiss me. Just know, most of them are delusional with their thoughts of grandeur. I did the fish face thing, became mean, and sometimes, just stopped in the middle of the dance, got my money, and told the manager...who'd proceed to kick them out. Stripping requires thick skin. That's a given. End of story. Keep in mind you're fulfilling a fantasy of theirs....remember that. I look at it as a "Character Building Boot Camp" kind of thing.

    I'd give it another shot....that's just me though.

    Italian_Bombshell849
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    Veteran Member NREXM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Over time you become so desensitized to it that it no longer becomes a big deal. Just tell a customer up front what he cannot do and almost always will he respect that. I had a customer bite my nipple (hard mind you) during a dance randomly so now I end up telling everyone that biting is now allowed. Haven't been bitten since. Come to think of it; I never feel personally violated.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    I get a lot of guys who try to lick/bite/kiss my boobs when I rub my boobs in their face during a lap dance.

    it used to REALLY bother me when I started dancing (I'd be going home crying) but you learn how to handle yourself quickly.

    at most clubs the bouncers and managers are VERY understanding so act accordingly and do whatever you feel is appropriate.

    you have your options:
    tell the guy no firmly
    tell him you'll leave if he does it again
    call the bouncer over
    slap him
    stop dancing and glare at him
    etc

    I work at a very low contact club and we have signals for the bouncers if a guy is making us uncomfortable. I put my hand on the chair behind the guy and put up one finger. then the bouncer comes over and says "sir you can't touch the dancers"

    you're NOT a piece of meat. guys CANNOT disrespect you. when you walk in the doors, it's your club, you call the shots. don't let some skeezy customer bring you down

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    I understand your sensitivity. The first time someone slapped me on the ass, I was traumatized on an epic level. I ran off of the stage crying, and hid in a corner for a couple of hours. I felt totally violated.

    This is a job where, unfortunately, I have become accustomed to assault. I'm constantly fending off attempts to molest me. It's awful, but that's just how my situation is right now. The clubs in this area don't watch the private dances, and the guys have all come to expect extreme contact during dances (which puts me at risk). I'm not saying that you should put up with this kind of situation--just saying that that's where I am right now.

    I'm sorry that this happened to you. This is a job that requires a very thick skin, and also an ability to get yourself out of bad situations. Go with your gut. But remember, of course, that it is never okay for anyone to violate your personal boundaries like that.

    It's because of shit like this that I'm currently taking an extended vacation from stripping.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Yes I agree that your not being sensitive. The only thing I can add to the already great advice is I use to say stuff to the effect of "I'm new I dont want to get in trouble/dont do anything thatll get me in trouble" really innocently and sweet.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Guys are going to try and lick you, finger you, cum in their pants, bla bla bla. You will get used to it. You'll learn how to say no in a way that works for you. Eventually you'll have a situation like this: guy lunges forward and locks his mouth around your nipple, you pull back and tell him that is NOT OK and you will stop dancing for him if he keeps doing stuff like that, and he'll stop. I don't bother trying to fine guys for their behavior, Dallas is such a high contact city that most guys don't know there are rules at all...
    Yes, I'm real.

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    You're gonna have to grow a thick skin. This business is not a friendly one. Treat all of them as if they are naughty dogs and you are Cesar Milan. When their hands start to wander in places you don't like, grab it and say "NO!" (by the way I don't take credit for this analogy, it belongs to another SW'er whose name I have forgotten)
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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    It's been about a month since I asked this question, so I thought I'd post an update.

    I've definitely gotten over being freaked out when I get grabbed/licked/etc. I generally let them know the rules at the beginning, give them a warning, a for serious LAST CHANCE warning, and if he tries something again I stop the dance. Because of the way the club is set up, it's very clear to the bouncers when a dance is stopped early, and the guy pretty much always gets kicked out. It's happened 3 times since the incident in the OP.

    I haven't had the balls yet to demand money in return for not getting the guy kicked out of the club, but next time a situation comes up I'm definitely going to try it!

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    Default Re: Traumatized newbie needs help

    Try being the translator in the middle of that situation! This Mexican bit my friend's tit, but she didn't speak Spanish. She had me demand that he pay her $100 or she would have him kicked out! after about 5 minutes of bilingual hectoring from both of them I screamed "BASTA!" I then informed the customer ever so sweetly that if he did not fork over Ben Franklin I would be placing a quick call to "La Migra". He forked over Ben and Ulysses. I pocketed Ulysses for my trouble.
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