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Thread: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

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    Default Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Anyone have any experience? I'm not sure 100% if I'm going to continue this relationship anyway , but do you have any tips for dealing ? They kill his libido. I don't really understand these drugs. Has anyone here been on meds that DO help you feel better but also kill your drive? Being sexy is a novelty to me ( I used to feel bad about it and finally let that go in the last year) . He is not keeping up . I'm not sure what to do. Maybe this is just not something I can deal with. I know that on one hand .... it's a real medical condition, but on the other .... he's healthy and has a decent job / hot girlfriend ( me ) . If there is other stuff he wants, he can set goals and get that stuff too, so why be "depressed " still when he has a lot of what he wanted when he started getting depressed?
    Did you have to leave your man because of the low drive ? Did you deal with it by dating other people with his permission ? How did you deal ?
    He can get hard but takes forever to get off. No sex yet. Frankly I'm worried I'll be a little dissapointed but the staying power might work out ok. I'm approaching with caution.
    I feel like he isn't meeting my needs . I don't feel very sexy /desireable . I can't seem to find someone in the middle of the spectrum as far as attacking me / leaving me alone for a bit goes.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Depression is not that easy. You cant just say, you have a great job, you have great family and friends, you have a sexy chick beside you, etc etc...How can you be depressed? It doesnt work like that at all.

    Depression takes time to overcome, even on drugs, therapy it doesnt just disspear. Some people still experience despression signs on either one. I was on depression meds while I was in a serious relationship. I took them for 6 months.. It takes 1 - 2 months just for the drug to settle into the body chemistry. These are the most important stages of starting a depression med. Either it does nothing, it helps you, it worsens you. In those two months, I went through stronger anger and I was more annoyed and wanted to yell and freak out for a straight week. The rest, of the weeks I felt nothing different. Im glad the doctor chose me those drugs because I remembered 2 months went by, and I was happy, I was normal, I went out, I did things, I was happy of what I was doing.. I was active towards my life. I stopped them though since I am against drugs too much.. but Im going on them soon again since I fell back a few steps below. So Im saying is.. give it time. Dont ruin a relationship over such a thing - if you want it two work, you have to put your effort with him. He needs to see his doctor from time to time if the drug doesnt work, how long has he been on them? If they dont work he needs to try different ones, or try a different methods such as therapy.

    Now about the sex drive, well 2 months I was dead with sex. He may be too. After the drug adpated to my body nicely, I had a sex drive. It does say depression pills kill your sex drive, thats each person to their own. If he doesnt feel good but feels worse, he needs to see a doctor and change them. It takes time to find that prefect pill, just like our birth control. You need to talk to him about this, and work with him and his problem if you want the relationship to work.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    I think he's been on some form for two years though. I know abilify is one because I finally asked last night.
    I feel like I had issues ( depression ) with it a bit, but it "left" when I left certain situations.
    At any rate, I feel bad , but he just seems too tired for me . I can see a train wreck coming from putting an attention whore and a depressed person together. I'd prefer we fool around around 4 nights a week ( like 4/5 days I'm in town a week ) but he just doesn't seem to want to make the most of the time I'm in town.

    I do understand this somewhat ( I have seasonal symptoms but use a full spectrum light now which makes it 80% better ). Feeling like shit in the winter is " real" to me .
    Last edited by carmen_b; 10-13-2010 at 12:15 AM.

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    Veteran Member Jenn1981's Avatar
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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Ughh I was on zoloft for like 3 yrs. I had NO sex drive at all. Not sure if it was the guy i was with at the time or the meds. But once i went off the meds, and got a new boyfriend coincedentally my sex drive went right back up thru the roof.

    Depression is hard. I know it drove away my previous boyfriend. I make a conscious effort now not to take my mood swings out on my current boyfriend. I also try hard not to get in "funks".
    If you dont have depression yourself, it can be very hard to understand. Alot of people think you can "snap right out of it".
    Anyways, Im sure its the meds causing his lack of sex drive or the depression itself could be killing his drive. Dont take it too personally hun.
    Maybe have a talk with him. Im not sure what else to say. Like i said, depression sucks.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    I don't really understand these drugs.
    You're not alone; neither do psychiatrists nor pharmaceutical companies. There's not even any real consensus on whether or not they're better than placebo pills.

    If you have real interest in antidepressants, check out Unhinged: The Trouble with Psychiatry - A Doctor's Revelations about a Profession in Crisis.

    Here's a short excerpt from a recent NPR interview with the author, a psychiatrist himself, involved with Effexor during its initial release:

    On conclusive evidence in psychiatry vs. other fields:

    "We don't have any direct evidence that depression or anxiety or any psychiatric disorder is due to a deficiency in serotonin because it's very hard to actually measure serotonin from a living brain. Any efforts that have been made to measure serotonin indirectly — such as measuring it in the spinal fluid or doing post-mortem studies — have been inconclusive. They have not shown conclusively that there is either too little or too much serotonin in the fluids. So that's where we are with psychiatry. ... In cardiology, we have a good understanding of how the heart pumps, what electrical signals generate electricity in the heart. And due to that understanding, we can then target specific cardiac medications to treat problems like heart failure or heart attacks. Again, based on a pretty well worked out knowledge of the pathophysiology — again not perfect, but pretty well worked out."
    Antidepressants are a total scam. Before you lay the blame at the feet of the guy, consider the pills as part of the problem, not the solution.
    Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

    William F. Buckley, Jr.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Hmmm . Interesting perspective. Since I truly don't fully understand this, I've got to wonder that myself. He says he saw marked progress after a few months on them .... but you've almost got to wonder if it was a sugar pill if the same thing would happen.
    I really don't know. I do know he isn't meeting my needs very well and that I don't feel sexy or desireable ( he could step up to the plate more in the ways I've mentioned ...... but he doesn't seem to be ). I'm going to give it a few days and see if he initiates any outings.
    I was just flat out shocked. I was ultra horny about a week ago and figured he'd LOVE IT so I did the whole get in lingerie / send naughty photo and messages to his work thing and was pretty horrified with getting lackluster results. I hope I'm not approaching it wrong. It's awfully difficult to work in a strip club then come home to a person who doesn't make an effort to touch you for 3 days. Maybe I should see if he wants to go on some outings around the city ( to illustrate I want to do stuff with him still ) but my ego is really hurting from last week.
    The last time we fooled around was Thursday and it's Wenesday. That's really too long of a gap for me honestly.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    You really have three options:

    1. Accept it.
    2. Change it.
    3. Leave it.

    Number one seems out of the question. Number two is possible, but the answer is not likely to be in the form of a pill. Number three....well it's there, when you're done with number two.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Not sure what change you might mean. I guess I could talk to him about what my needs are and see if he could handle them.
    Since I have listed many negatives here are some positives:
    when we are together, it's good ,
    he brews really good beer ( he named one after me recently ) ,
    he's into the outdoors too,
    He accepts stripping and does not give me shit about it at all ( he hasn't been to a club and just asks intelligent questions regarding safety , what happens, and where I travel ect. ),
    he's fun - our outing around the city are a lot of fun,
    he digs really good coffee ,
    he's hot ( big proportioned / strong )
    there's more too ...........
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-16-2017 at 02:00 AM.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    By change it, I mean change what's going on sufficiently that you have an acceptable relationship (sexually or otherwise). That change could take many forms, some of which you touched on in your OP. Of course needing to change things presupposes that things are unacceptable as they currently stand. I took that to be the case from what you've said. However, If this is just a prevailing thought that is troubling you, being free of that thought would also be a change. Like, sometimes we think "this sucks", and we make it so. That may be all that is happening in you....and it may be all that is happening in him too.

    Leaving, having an open relationship, trying different methods to lift his spirits...these are all valid ways of dealing with your situation, and there are no doubt other ways.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    We will discuss all these things soon. He invited me for a beer after he works ( he works a weird 2-11 schedule ) so that is *some* effort on his part for sure. I said it would be great and that a movie night also sounded great and asked if he was open to it. He said he'd prefer to not make a late night of it, so I went ahead and sent him a text that I'd composed and was hesitant to send.
    The text just said that we needed to talk about my concerns and I told him that this could work for me as a dating relationship, but with *6-7 day gaps with no intimacy, that I would not be capable of monogamy*.
    He said he'd come over, but that puts things going down as I don't really want them to ( with me being the aggressor and making demands ). I'd highly prefer to receive a text in the morning to the tune of " Can I see you tonight ? " from him so that I feel like the LADY . It's that feeling of being desired that I'm missing out on specifically.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 10-16-2010 at 12:50 AM.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Thats totally understandable ^.. If you havn't talked to him yet... You really need to!!! Men cannot read our minds, but our words, and you need to tell him how you feel before taking any actions; staying, or breaking up. Let him know how you feel, and how he feels on the topic (he may not even know he is acting like this, or treating the relationship like this.. he could think its fine. Then take it from there.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    We've talked. He totally stepped it up last night and offered major nurturing + massage. Yum. He offered killer cuddles that were so amazing they kept me in bed till Noon ( actually ... a little too late .... I had to haul ass after that but oh well ). I laid the praise on THICK that I was very happy with the nurturing.

    Now that my little patch of being horny 24/7 is on break, this is kind of nice. I can leave town for 4-5 days and I don't really worry he'll be neglected.
    I'm not sure what's gonna happen,but I did take dancing off on Sat. which is not normal for me since he gets Sat./sun.off . We are doing some outdoorsy stuff . I am looking forward to the outing.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    aww - great! Sometimes communicating about these things can be unbearably uncomfortable, but totally necessary.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    OP - Have long have you been with your guy? People with depression are often guarded, and take a while to get comfortable around someone new (new being as long as 3-4 months). Talk honestly and openly with him about how you feel and keep trying. It might not just be the pills. There are other perfectly healthy men that have this issue too. If he's willing, ask him to talk to his doctor about it - there may be some natural supplement he can take to counter act what the drug is doing (if it's the drug at all).

    It may seem like he has lots to be thankful for and happy about, but sometimes people just aren't wired quiet right. Pointing out the positive things in his life won't make him happier, it will make him feel guilty and more depressed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post
    If you have real interest in antidepressants, check out Unhinged: The Trouble with Psychiatry - A Doctor's Revelations about a Profession in Crisis.

    Here's a short excerpt from a recent NPR interview with the author, a psychiatrist himself, involved with Effexor during its initial release:



    Antidepressants are a total scam. Before you lay the blame at the feet of the guy, consider the pills as part of the problem, not the solution.
    I dislike that novel, it's too black and white. Antidepressants help a lot of people.....The author talks about how a 15 minute meeting with a psychiatrist is standard. I wouldn't trust any doctor that would only meet with a patient for 15 minutes, I've seen several psychiatrists, who have all chatted with me for 60 minutes or more. Not only was the 'first session free' in two cases, but in all three they didn't prescribe me anything, and refereed me to a psychologist to 'talk it out'. I didn't like how this book made all psych's look bad. A lot of them are good doctors.



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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    ^ Eh ..... I'm a little irritated again.
    He isn't supposed to skip pills ( I think ? ) but that's what he does . I guess when we first got together he was skipping them every time he'd see me in case I wanted to get something going . From what I read online though ... he really isn't supposed to skip.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-16-2017 at 02:04 AM.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    He seems to be thinking he should be doing "better" ( like better job / done with school ) .... but doesn't everyone ? I though that was just part of being human. He's had this "ok " job for like 7 years and the company is NOT flexible or very nice really to their employees. Or .... in full honesty ... they aren't flexible with him because he used all his sick leave and annual at the beginning of the year ( he reports getting worse in winter ). BUT ... it's a recession. Any work that doesn't try you totally insane is at least work/money you know. I also get a little loopy in the winter but I fixed about 80% of what I go through using a full spectrum light . He got a light a few days ago and I hope it's as helpful to him as mine is to me.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Quote Originally Posted by carmen_b View Post
    He seems to be thinking he should be doing "better" ( like better job / done with school ) .... but doesn't everyone ?
    His negative thoughts cause him to suffer. He needs to notice this effect and stop listening to, and believing these thoughts. Maybe you can suggest some books to read? Cognitive behaviour therapy might help.

    It's going to take time and effort on his part to break himself out of his thinking habit. Honestly, I don't think medication will help here, except to maybe advance the process of elimination. Sometimes people need to really hit bottom before they rally and make progress.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    See .... I think I sort of hit bottom. I was in a long term relationship living is this miserable suburb ( I'd traveled a ton / gone to college in other places ect. yet stayed in that crap town for 6 years for a guy ). Around the same time I got a job I hated that was in a town even an hour FURTHER out in the middle of nowhere . Then I was angry all the time and crashed my car from driving too fast ( realizing now that just having some much anger was the cause of my aggressive driving ). So ..... I made LOTS of changes . I got a sales job that worked WAY better with my personality ( on one hand I'm a total hippy , on the other I'm so type A that I only do well in commission based jobs ) . I moved into the town I wanted to be in. I started dancing regularly instead of just sometimes. I feel like I'm doing way better now and I wish he would make some changes too.
    He could have taken off from that job with the separation package that would have paid for school , but he couldn't visualize himself being without income ( he would have had health insurance for a year or something too ). He wants to be a computer programmer, but he needs two years in school to do it. I can't decide things for him, but it seems like he should at least consider finding some way to work like 20 hours a week and go to school 3/4 time or something to at least make programming a 3-4 year reality. I have no room to talk though. I've been talking about getting my masters for 3-4 years.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-16-2017 at 02:06 AM.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Congratulations on dragging yourself out of your rut! You pretty much changed everything...job, home, I'm assuming bf at the time too. It's a good way to banish the "my life sucks" thinking.

    When someone gets down on themselves for a long time, their energy level will be down too. It's difficult to motivate oneself to make some changes in this state. Sometimes it takes a crisis to shake yourself out of it, and get doing something positive about it. Leaving him with a sort of "call me when you get your shit together" type thing, could spur him on to, well, getting his shit together. Hanging in there trying to help/talk/understand, might just be enabling him to wallow. How much do you want things to work with this particular guy?

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    ^ I appreciate your reply once again. Yeah I pretty much changed my whole life.

    I honestly think that *part* of the problem is that he didn't try hard enough. Like instead of PUSHING himself towards the degree by getting loans / going to school and working .... he just was kind of like " oh I'll take 1-2 classes for 6 years " instead. I guess I wonder if the depression isn't at least a bit situational like mine was and not chemical ( he mentioned one of his exes is now a really well paid attorney and said things like " she did what she wanted and is where she wanted " ).

    It just seems kind of stupid to waste a newly revved up drive on someone I have to give two days of notice too ...... kind of ruins a lot of the fun that could be had.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-16-2017 at 02:08 AM.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    A relationship has to be mutually beneficial. You both have to get something out of it, and feel fulfilled. Obviously, there are times when this just isn't possible - your partner is sick, or going through a hard time - times like that you give a little more, because you know in the long run your relationship will be whole again and both of you feel be giving and getting equally.

    It sounds to be like you're not getting what you need out of this relationship. Understandable, if you knew that there were better times to come. Unfortunately, you haven't been with this man very long, or when he is 'stable' (out of his 'rut') so you can't see if there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm worried that if you keep investing in this man one of two negative things will happen. 1) You will sink a lot of time an energy into your relationship and try to help him out/make him less depressed/make him happier and do without YOUR needs, only to realize you've wasted a lot of your time and opportunities on someone who isn't meeting your needs or expectations; or 2) You'll do the same as 1, with the exception that you won't leave - you'll stay and he'll essentially 'drag you down' with him - undoing all the hard work you've put into yourself recently (like HB said, you've turned your life around and made great positive changes).

    Mind you, the third possibility is that he kinda 'get's ahold of himself'; his medicines start working better, the sex improves and he gets his drive back and you two are happy together long-term....mind you, I don't see that happening from the sounds of your posts.



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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    ^ Very thoughtful response. Thanks!
    Ugh. I'm totally discouraged. I had a not very successful ( ok ... downright shitty ) dancing week this week and I am just feeling abandoned.
    I came back to town two days early and he didn't come over yesterday ( his " plans " were watching a movie with his roomate ....lol....) ).

    He's totally inflexible! He RSVP'd for these things and it didn't matter if I wasn't up for them - he went anyway ( I'm not one to please or beg so I just let him ).

    Somehow he managed to come over this morning ( I hate mornings ) and I just wanted him gone terribly. So .... that's me being inflexible too. I want someone to cuddle at night , definitely NOT someone to drop by my house unannounced in morning. I guess we both need to be more flexible.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 01-16-2017 at 02:10 AM.

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    It is kind of weird right that your gf is gone for three days / comes back early and you are still totally fine going an extra two days without sleeping over ? I'm still upset and not thinking totally clearly .... but this is just weird right ? Most normal people would want a sleep over at least one of the first two nights the person is back? I feel like cutting it off .... but then I'll go from wanting sleepovers like 4-5 nights a week ( and only getting them 2-3 ) to having none .

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    It does seem odd that your bf would pick watching a movie with his roommate, over hanging out/having sex with his hot girlfriend. It seems that, for whatever reason (there could be lots of them) your level of enthusiasm for each other's company is out of balance. Also, your expectations may just be too high here.

    You don't have to necessarily dump him...you could cut it down to once a week, and start seeing other guys. Your bf isn't really into sex right now it seems, and he's probably not able to give you the kind of emotional support you would like either...like, he just can't deal. When you're mired in your own misery, you have nothing in the bank to give anyone else either. Know what I mean?

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    Default Re: Depression meds ( in men ) and sex drive

    Hmmmm. Now this could work. I'm big on monogamy ( I'm risk averse and stds are no exception ) so I couldn't fool around with more than one person. I think you are right though. It may be time to branch out and get busy with other things.

    I feel like he lacks intuition BIG TIME. I'm usually a pretty successful dancer and I had a weird weird week where I CAME HOME EARLY. This is not me. I never give up early. Looking back, I should have just stuck it out ( hey ... $200 a night adds up too ! ..... I don't have to leave a town because " i'm better than this " ). I went home early and made NO money there, so really I didn't win at all ! He's been seeing me for three months, so you'd think he would go " oh man .... she must have felt really shitty ...she's never come home early " , but it didn't occur to him ! I think his weird scheduling thing ( like not being able to just say " hey man , C is back, she had a shit week, lets do the movie tomorrow ) is part of how he stays functional perhaps ?

    I'm the girlfriend who keeps a clean house / has your favorite drinks in the fridge / looks hot when you come over . I need someone on their A game too. It's only fair.
    Last edited by carmen_b; 10-24-2010 at 12:58 PM.

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