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    Thumbs down boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Ok girls I need some advice and opinions.
    Ive been dancing for six years to fund my education and even though
    the job can be tough its never let me down financially.
    I met my boyfriend two years ago and hes the best boyfriend ive ever had.we live together and are very happy.
    As usual he said he was ok with me dancing for the first six months then started telling me that he cant handle it ,doesnt trust me when i go to work and doesnt think he can handle going out with a lapdancer.
    Money was bad at the club I was at so we both moved city and ive now started a degree so havnt been dancing for a few months.
    Now ive realised im gonna need some money real soon and
    theres a lot of great clubs in this area.
    Ive told him im gonna have to dance to fund my education and he keeps saying he doesnt think he can handle me going back to dancing.
    I love him so much but im also very proud of myself for working my butt off and paying for my own education.
    I dont want someone to make me feel bad about having to do something that I have to do in order to get were I want to be.

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    Veteran Member Kitten Foster's Avatar
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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    someone else has said it here before and i will say it again.

    "stripper are like pet tigers. they are nice to look at, but they are not for everyone."

    also, you were dancing long before you met him. you need to weigh this out carefully. how much do you care for this guy? enough to give up dancing for? he says he doesn't trust you which IMO doesn't sound good at all....

    and you mentioned that he was ok with it in the beginning. maybe you should ask him why the sudden change in the way he feels about it?
    Last edited by Kitten Foster; 10-14-2010 at 05:01 AM. Reason: added something

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Couldn't have said it better!^

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    You didn't ask for a guy's opinion, but I'll offer it:

    You have to find out exactly what his objection/concern is and address that.

    For example:
    (1) if he is insecure, because he thinks you will be dancing for handsome young rich guys -- you have to convince him that most custies are middle-aged and pot-bellied and you wouldn't be caught dead talking to them outside the SC;
    (2) if he thinks you are very sexual and will get turned on dancing naked -- same argument as above in #1;
    (3) if it is a pride/ego thing for him (i.e., he knows that you will not be tempted by other guys, but he is embarassed about what other people will say about HIM having a stripper GF) - then you have to (a) be discreet and dance someplace where friends and family are unlikely to find out, and (b) tell him he is being selfish in putting his ego above your financial independence;
    (4) if he is uncomfortable with the idea of HIS GF having intimate physical contact or "dry-humping" other men, then you have to explain: (a) this is WORK for you and nothing else, and (b) all those guys might drull and fantasize over you, but only HE gets to lie in bed with you. The BEST thing you could do to allay this concerns is to find work in a no-contact club.
    (5) if he fears you will transform into one of "them" (i.e., stereotype of dancer that gets drunk/high and wild in the SC), you need to explain that this won't happen;
    (6) if he fears you will be seduced by the money and lose sight of your education, you need to explain that this won't happen, because you are committed to your education;
    (7) if he fears that you will be subjected to abuse, mistreatment, assault or even rape, you need to explain the security features of the club and let him know that you can defend yourself;
    etc., etc.

    I think you need to identify specifically the type of anxiety that he is experiencing over this, show him that you care about his feelings. Then, you can express to him how his concerns will be addressed and why dancing is important to you (i.e., financial independence --- don't tell him that the attention makes you feel good, or that you enjoy to see men worshiping you and lusting over you -- that doesn't help his insecurities.)

    From what I've seen in similar threads, I think there is a communication gap that occurs in circumstance like this. The dancer feels that her BF is a selfish insecure guy with a fragile-ego that wants to "control" her or hold her back from her income potential, while the guy may have many serious and legitimate anxieties (in addition to his fragile ego). Some of them could be mitigated with a serious and sensitive conversation. Also, you can't just totally dismiss a guy's ego - Do you really want a BF with no ego and self-respect? Instead, find a way to massage his ego - "Every guy want to bang a hot stripper, and you'll get that chance every night. You'll be envy of all the guys at the club."

    Ultimately, even with a heart-to-heart conversation,... you may have to make a choice between your BF and dancing.
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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    best thing to do is ask what his solution is. you can't survive off 8 bucks an hour. once he realizes you can't make that kind of money doing anything else he'll back off.

    OR ask him if he'd be all right with you camming.

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    blah i am so tired of this question.

    dancing came first before him and is therefore grandfathered in. you just need to tell him to fuck off.

    honestly, if men choose to date girls who are already stripping i have no sympathy for them. i dont think you should either. if a girl wants to start while already dating, fine i see the problem. but you already were. hes being a possessive idiot.

    can you tell i am so tired of hearing this? i know im not the only one.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    I can understand why a guy wouldn't want his gf talking about it all the time but if anyone ever told me to stop dancing I would be like "are you gonna pay my bills? no? didn't think so."

    my ex broke up with me when I started dancing and said he wouldn't date me again until I stopped. I didn't stop. Guess who came crawling back 2 weeks later? I didn't take him back either.

    Dancing is my passion. It gives me self esteem, confidence, and most importantly $$$$$$!!!
    Plus it's such a great workout if I stopped I would lose all my muscle tone.

    if I ever stopped dancing because of some guy he better be rich and treat me like a goddess. I'm working through school right now so I'm putting myself FIRST.

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    I think the best thing for you and your relationship would be for both of you to sit down and talk. Explain to him how much easier it is for you to dance while going to school (freedom, flexibility, high income, convenience), and listen to why he doesn't want you to do it. Ask him what he thinks your alternatives are. Give him legitimate rebuttals without going into attack mode.

    It could help him put things in perspective and be okay with it, but if he's just not okay with stripping and doesn't have any legitimate reasons against it, then you may have to choose what's more important to you.

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    blah i am so tired of this question.
    Yeah, its repeated a lot, but we should be sympathetic. Relationsips are a complex thing for everyone, but for dancers, it seems doubly complicated.

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    dancing came first before him and is therefore grandfathered in. you just need to tell him to fuck off.

    honestly, if men choose to date girls who are already stripping i have no sympathy for them. i dont think you should either. if a girl wants to start while already dating, fine i see the problem. but you already were. hes being a possessive idiot.
    That may be true and logical, but... I'll be the first to admit this, men are not as smart or as rational as we claim to be.

    Getting a dancer's (real) number is awesome and brag-worthy. Dating and having sex with a dancer (without paying for it) is even better. But, something shifts in the male brain when the relationship becomes serious. Men are possessive and territorial animals, like dogs,... you can't change the nature of dogs and you can't change the nature of men... At least not without major surgery (i.e., cutting off his masculinity - figuratively speaking). Do you really want a man like this - that is not proud, assertive, territorial and protective? - These same attributes are what makes a man a good provider and protector of his family.

    Women are like this, too, though. You meet a handsome young stud that every girl wants to bone. He's charming and flirtatious around women and gets a lot of female attention. That appeals to you - he's a "catch". You start dating him and love to show him off to enviable women. At first, you don't mind that he charms your friends and they're all pining/lusting for him. But, then, he becomes YOUR guy. You get upset when you see him with flirting with beautiful women, you ask him to stop flirting, because it is disrespectful to you. You want and expect him to change,... not act like a "playboy" anymore,.. you want to claim him as yours.
    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Yeah, its repeated a lot, but we should be sympathetic. Relationsips are a complex thing for everyone, but for dancers, it seems doubly complicated.



    That may be true and logical, but... I'll be the first to admit this, men are not as smart or as rational as we claim to be.

    Getting a dancer's (real) number is awesome and brag-worthy. Dating and having sex with a dancer (without paying for it) is even better. But, something shifts in the male brain when the relationship becomes serious. Men are possessive and territorial animals, like dogs,... you can't change the nature of dogs and you can't change the nature of men... At least not without major surgery (i.e., cutting off his masculinity - figuratively speaking). Do you really want a man like this - that is not proud, assertive, territorial and protective? - These same attributes are what makes a man a good provider and protector of his family.

    Thanks for your thoughtful reply. This is something I have been struggling with as well, have been seeing someone I completely love for over a year and he just now started having an issue with me dancing. I found a day job two months ago and was dancing just a little bit but that seemed to be worse for him.

    After talking about it he said what really turned the corner for him wasn't just the jealousy, but also the way he saw it damaging me- I got fired from two clubs in the same month for gaining weight and was really upset both times, and he said he couldnt support it anymore once he saw it effect me that way. If we wernt dating I probably would have lost the weight and gone back, but instead I moved to a different club, where I was making way less money, and decided to quit.

    I have been working out/losing weight anyway and trying to make it work just waiting tables but I don't know if I can totally quit like I said I would. At the same time I really love him and he is offering to pay all the bills, eating out expenses etc when his new job starts next month. I also love that he is willing to fight for me and wants me to himself, his passion really touches me. I am struggling to figure out what to do and trying to give the no dancing thing a real chance...it's only been 2 weeks since my last shift and I am feeling the pull to go back but resisting for now

    This is a question with no easy answer and I think its ok to keep asking and thinking about it...

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    I am not dancing yet but I'd like to weigh in on this.

    I work in an office during the day and we employ college kids from a local university to work in the file room. They change every 6 months. I take lunch at the same time as one of the co-ops and he was talking about this girl he was dating. He told me she was a stripper...I said there is nothing wrong with that. He said, "Yes, there is."

    OK so long story short, a week later he told me that he "made" her quit stripping. I said wow...it must be serious then. Could you marry this girl? He said "NO. I would never marry her because she is black and I would never have biracial children" WHAT?!?!?! That's another issue on its OWN but my point is....do you think you will marry this guy? Because if not, I would recommend doing anything and everything that YOU want. I have put off dancing because of ex boyfriends and I should have never let them control me. I am now engaged and my fiance has no problem with it. There is someone for everyone.

    If I love dancing and my fiance decides that he can't take it...then better to find out before the wedding.

    Good luck sweetie.

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post
    Yeah, its repeated a lot, but we should be sympathetic. Relationsips are a complex thing for everyone, but for dancers, it seems doubly complicated.



    That may be true and logical, but... I'll be the first to admit this, men are not as smart or as rational as we claim to be.

    Getting a dancer's (real) number is awesome and brag-worthy. Dating and having sex with a dancer (without paying for it) is even better. But, something shifts in the male brain when the relationship becomes serious. Men are possessive and territorial animals, like dogs,... you can't change the nature of dogs and you can't change the nature of men... At least not without major surgery (i.e., cutting off his masculinity - figuratively speaking). Do you really want a man like this - that is not proud, assertive, territorial and protective? - These same attributes are what makes a man a good provider and protector of his family.

    Women are like this, too, though. You meet a handsome young stud that every girl wants to bone. He's charming aIf he does I'm thinking of starting either a cp photography vs shitty iPhone shots competition or a cp photography v pictures taken by small children competition nd flirtatious around women and gets a lot of female attention. That appeals to you - he's a "catch". You start dating him and love to show him off to enviable women. At first, you don't mind that he charms your friends and they're all pining/lusting for him. But, then, he becomes YOUR guy. You get upset when you see him with flirting with beautiful women, you ask him to stop flirting, because it is disrespectful to you. You want and expect him to change,... not act like a "playboy" anymore,.. you want to claim him as yours.
    the reason why I don't relate is Im not like that. My situation is different though... I'm pretty gay and I like a nice peice of arm candy. I in theory have no problem dating a stripper... I have in the past and all the problems really were due to them bieng nuts as opposed to them being dancers (although admittedly these do sometimes go
    hand and hand). It takes a lot to persuade me to
    try hetero... And when i do it's kind of the same deal with male arm candy who can preferably buy me stuff as oppsed to any actual legit attatchment. So he can flirt away with other girls for all I care.

    I like havig a girl though who all others want to bang but in the end I'm the one who goes home with her. As long as I'm the only one actually sleeping with her in real life and the rest are just stuck fantasizing about it then I win.

    Shrug...meh I'm just tired of hearig it. And call me cynical, but most people are replaceable when it comes to dating. IMO the only person good enough to qualify as irreplaceable would also have to havethe rare quality of being ok with the job. It seems easy as hell for women to find a guy who will fawn over them for a while and then suddenly turn possessive-- I sy ditch the possessive and find a new guy and ditch if/when he becomes possesive etc etc until you did a guy who actually doesn't turn possessive. That might be something keeping around long term.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    I feel that being posessive and insecure can be a slippery slope. If you can't work this issue out now how long before he doesn't want you doing other things?

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    And call me cynical, but most people are replaceable when it comes to dating. IMO the only person good enough to qualify as irreplaceable would also have to have the rare quality of being ok with the job. It seems easy as hell for women to find a guy who will fawn over them for a while and then suddenly turn possessive-- I sy ditch the possessive and find a new guy and ditch if/when he becomes possesive etc etc until you did a guy who actually doesn't turn possessive. That might be something keeping around long term.
    I really agree with the replaceable part.

    I know you love the guy, but unless he is capable (rich) and committed to taking care of you, you need to be focused on your own future and not let your bf's insecurities steer the ship.

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    ^glad you understand what I mean. Lotsa ppl get on my case about that saying I dontvalue people which is false. I just think that if there is a big conflict of values or whatever there is someone better. People being afraid to accept this is what lead too so many mismatched marriages (then divorces) IMO. People feel they need to settle and seem to misunderstand where compromise belongs in a relationship-- sometimes you need it but when it comes to compromising something very importnant to you (your livelihood?) or who you are, that's a big red flag and it's best to move forward and find someone who accepts you.

    Also as a dancer keep in mind that you have see the other side (and profited off of it) of failed marriages. Where do you think a lot of the stuff that drives people apart and men to the strip club comes from? Probably not being ideal for eachother in the first place but overlooking it to try to make it work...

    Hope I'm making some sense.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    I was just in the exact same boat as the OP. I was so stressed out because I love my boyfriend but I also love my financial independence.

    I was dancing for a few months before I met my BF, I kept on dancing and quit a year into our relationship because I was burnt out.

    Recently, I became ready again to go back to the club. I realised that I am lucky to always have access to freelance work, well paying work.

    My BF said he would have to break up with me if I started dancing again. I went on for a while slaving away at a job I didn't like. I was forced to work more shifts a week than I signed up for and my grades were suffering. When my grades suffer, my mental well-being suffers because I basically live for my education right now.

    So I told my BF that he could leave me or stay with me but I am going back to the club so I could work less and focus on my studies more. I really didn't know what he would choose, all I knew is that my sanity is more important than anything else.

    I told him I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't happy going everyday not being able to make a living the way I wanted to. I am too stressed out with working at the sports bar, trying to keep managers, cheap pervy customers happy, and staying out of the drama between all of the other bartenders... and I wasn't making good money either. My shitty job had taken over my life and forget having time to go to the gym or yoga, I didn't even have enough time to study for exams.

    He seemed pissed and stormed out of the house... 10 minutes later he comes back and tells me that he loves me and that nothing I could do would make him leave me except if I cheated on him. We hugged and had really good make-up sex.

    Now, we are even closer and he is okay with me dancing.


    I learned that if he really does love you he will stay and be supportive.

    If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that he can stay or go but you will be returning back to the club because until you are a professional, that is how you will pay your bills.

    If he really loves you, he will stand by you. Good luck and keep us updated!

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    thanks so much for all your replies.
    I feel much better now

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by jack0177057 View Post

    Getting a dancer's (real) number is awesome and brag-worthy. Dating and having sex with a dancer (without paying for it) is even better. But, something shifts in the male brain when the relationship becomes serious. Men are possessive and territorial animals, like dogs,... you can't change the nature of dogs and you can't change the nature of men... At least not without major surgery (i.e., cutting off his masculinity - figuratively speaking). Do you really want a man like this - that is not proud, assertive, territorial and protective? - These same attributes are what makes a man a good provider and protector of his family.
    It has more to do with him being uptight, rather than "proud, assertive, territorial and protective". I'm dating someone who was a stripper and it never bothered me what she did for a living when she was dancing. I know she wasn't doing it for any reason other than to make a living.

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    blah i am so tired of this question.

    dancing came first before him and is therefore grandfathered in. you just need to tell him to fuck off.

    honestly, if men choose to date girls who are already stripping i have no sympathy for them. i dont think you should either. if a girl wants to start while already dating, fine i see the problem. but you already were. hes being a possessive idiot.

    can you tell i am so tired of hearing this? i know im not the only one.
    I gotta agree with this. Usually I don't even read these threads anymore, because I am so annoyed by them. If a guy wants to date a stripper I have no sympathy for him. I don't care if he didn't intend on "getting serious" with a stripper. Its his problem. You aren't married to this guy so fuck it. There will always be someone else.
    CARMEN IS HOTT 4 A BLACK CHICK!!!!!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by ViolaStrings View Post
    Why does he have a headset on his head, like Janet Jackson or some shit?
    Quote Originally Posted by Emily View Post
    why does Janet Jackson have a headset on her head?!

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    It has more to do with him being uptight, rather than "proud, assertive, territorial and protective". I'm dating someone who was a stripper and it never bothered me what she did for a living when she was dancing. I know she wasn't doing it for any reason other than to make a living.
    If you are just casually dating a girl, most guys would be okay and even proud that she is a stripper.

    But, if the relationship becomes serious (i.e., your future wife and mother of your children), most guys would have some reservation with her grinding and rubbing her body on other men, and other men pawing her and trying to "get away" with all kinds of inappropriate touching.

    You can call most normal guys "uptight" and they can call you a "cuckold-fetishist", but regardless of all the name-calling,... most men would be, to say the least, uncomfortable with their serious GF, fiance or wife dancing in a high-contact SC.

    Me personally, I'm moderate.

    Serious GF - I could deal temporarily with a serious GF's dancing, so long as she had an imminent exit strategy (e.g., a college or grad student, dancing while she completes her degree, but highly motivated to transition into a non-dancer career).

    Marriage - If my wife ever wanted to dance for money and independence, I'd install a stripper pole at home and generously buy lap dances from her. Any other customers in her life, however, would be an issue for us. (I could spend as much money on her as she makes in a SC, anyway... and she would use part of this income to contribute to the household expenses, so it works out just fine.)

    This is hypothetical - My actual GF is not a dancer, so this is not an issue for us.
    Last edited by jack0177057; 10-18-2010 at 02:26 PM.
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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Everytime I read one of these threads I think back to the time I had to make this decision....

    I can say with all honesty that I lost the love of my life to a job that I can no longer stand. I too have been dancing over 6 years, and have been working my way through school... and also raising 2 kids... One thing I cant stand is when people say...well dump his ass if he dont like it... or he shouldnt have gotten with me if he didnt want me dancing. Money isnt everything... I know that goes against the grain of every dancers moral fiber... but some things cant be bought. If you really love this guy... think twice before you throw him away. There's not too many guys in general who like the thought of their gf grinding on the laps of strangers. I personally picked dancing over my guy... I wish I wouldnt have.

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  37. #22
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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    If he doesnt want you dancing he needs to supply the income you would receive from dancing. Insecurity is so unattractive.

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    If he doesnt want you dancing he needs to supply the income you would receive from dancing. Insecurity is so unattractive.
    This.

    I don't get why some people can't see things this way!!!!!!!

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Quote Originally Posted by bambiblue View Post
    Everytime I read one of these threads I think back to the time I had to make this decision....

    I can say with all honesty that I lost the love of my life to a job that I can no longer stand. I too have been dancing over 6 years, and have been working my way through school... and also raising 2 kids... One thing I cant stand is when people say...well dump his ass if he dont like it... or he shouldnt have gotten with me if he didnt want me dancing. Money isnt everything... I know that goes against the grain of every dancers moral fiber... but some things cant be bought. If you really love this guy... think twice before you throw him away. There's not too many guys in general who like the thought of their gf grinding on the laps of strangers. I personally picked dancing over my guy... I wish I wouldnt have.
    You picked feeding your children over a guy. And sorry but if you are single mother of two money IS everything. If he was such a great guy he would not ask you to quit doing what you have to do to take care of the most important thing in your life.

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    Default Re: boyfriend cant cope with me been a stripper

    Originally Posted by bambiblue
    Everytime I read one of these threads I think back to the time I had to make this decision....

    I can say with all honesty that I lost the love of my life to a job that I can no longer stand. I too have been dancing over 6 years, and have been working my way through school... and also raising 2 kids... One thing I cant stand is when people say...well dump his ass if he dont like it... or he shouldnt have gotten with me if he didnt want me dancing. Money isnt everything... I know that goes against the grain of every dancers moral fiber... but some things cant be bought. If you really love this guy... think twice before you throw him away. There's not too many guys in general who like the thought of their gf grinding on the laps of strangers. I personally picked dancing over my guy... I wish I wouldnt have.

    You picked feeding your children over a guy. And sorry but if you are single mother of two money IS everything. If he was such a great guy he would not ask you to quit doing what you have to do to take care of the most important thing in your life.



    Maybe you cant read, but my post said I PICKED DANCING but I wish I WOULDN't have. I am so sick of the girls on here that think this job last forever and family, friends, and everything else should take a backseat to a JOB!!! The guy I was referring to was my best friend for 13 years before we dated, and my comment was in RETROSPECT...and yes he was a GREAT guy... but couldnt stand to know i was in that environment every day and lookking back he was RIGHT!! Everyone tries to come to people's defence about their job, but what I WAS POINTING OUT..is there's more than money to consider. NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE BOUGHT... and just because someone loves you doesnt mean they have to choose between paying all your bills or letting you go grind dick for a living. Women want to be independent, yet I hear that line daily on these threads. I am sorry but love works TWO ways.... and if her ultimatum is she wants to keep dancing...his may be that he wants to move on, she doesnt want to be uncomfortable...why should he?... She clearly stated that she is crazy about her bf and loves him...but wants to get where she wants to be... but everyone basically keeps saying fuck him do what you want... well that just seems a little hypocritical IMO.

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