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Thread: drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

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    Featured Member yogibear179's Avatar
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    Default drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

    He just got out of rehab a few months ago. we've been through a lot and looking back ive blamed his actions on the drug use.

    the number one most important thing is his sobriety.

    its hard for me to forgive him for everything too. when we got into a fight recently (he stood me up) its hard not to take in account how the relationship has been and how he's treated me in the past. I say i do but my actions / words dont always follow.

    things havent been so sweet lately. He is having a hard time showing affection. he feels guilty about things he has done to me in the past. we havent had sex in a long time.

    i know i dont always make things easy for him. I feel bad when i dont get show affection or feel loved.

    he has been on drugs for a long time. he is trying to find himself again. I dont think that the relationship was built on the best circumstances. I liked him and he liked me but there was always the addict co dependency dynamic.

    we went from living together and being engaged to living apart and seeing eachother a few days a week.
    i want to hold on to him and i want to power through this. I want the best for both of us. maybe we can work things out this way, by giving each other space and still dating. Or do you think its necessary to leave each other? or give each other a break? idk...

    have any of you been in this situation


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    God/dess shanna dior's Avatar
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    Default Re: drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

    What a hard situation. I'm so sorry that you're going through all this.

    It's definitely important for him to have a strong support system as he's adjusting to sobriety, especially after getting out of rehab. At the same time, you also have needs that clearly aren't being met. Have you two sat down and discussed all of this? That could help clear up all the issues in the past, and you could make a plan on how to move forward. If you tell him how much it bothers you, maybe he could make more of an effort to be affectionate and try not to repeat past mistakes (like standing you up). Just don't set up the conversation in an accusatory way, or making it all about him. Listen to his side, and find out what he needs as well.

    Good luck girl.

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    Moderator unbeleavable's Avatar
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    Default Re: drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

    Sounds like he needs to find out who he is before he can love someone else. I would give him some space & see how he deals with that & maybe you two will be together in the future.

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    Default Re: drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

    Quote Originally Posted by yogibear179 View Post
    its hard for me to forgive him for everything too. when we got into a fight recently (he stood me up) its hard not to take in account how the relationship has been and how he's treated me in the past. I say i do but my actions / words dont always follow.
    It's not realistic to think that you can just forget everything that has happened. If he just doesn't show up when he's supposed to meet you- I'll bet this has happened before, and he's been up to no good. It's not an unreasonable assumption to think he might be up to no good again. Don't kick yourself for being realistic.

    You're not doing him any favors if you pretend that nothing ever happened, either. You can try to forgive, but don't expect to forget.

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    Featured Member pussyinboots's Avatar
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    Default Re: drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

    I get this question all the time as a D&A Counsellor. Relationships are precarious things at the best of times - but with an addict/alcoholic in recovery they can be even more so, for both partners.

    I was an alcoholic for 20 odd years and my husband stuck by me - drunk and sober. I totally understand how you feel.

    It's very, very hard to forgive the bad stuff and try to start afresh. But that's what you must try to do - a lot of his behaviour was due to his illness and dependency. Now you both have to try to accept that and move on. Draw a line in the sand and start from a new beginning. I know, I know - I bet there's been plenty of 'new beginnings' before - but if he's serious about staying Clean and Sober - then it really IS a new beginning.

    You both need time and space to get used to a new kind of life. He's going to be ridden with guilt, insecurity and self loathing for a while - you're going to wish it was all new and different straightaway. That's just natural. Don't be surprised though - if in a couple of months, sex is back on his agenda big time. That's natural too.

    An ESSENTIAL part of his recovery is to get to regular Recovery Fellowship meetings - AA or NA, and get himself a sponsor - or a Support Counsellor for a while. The first 12 months are the the trickiest.

    Try to encourage his recovery - do some new things for yourself, and do some new things together. If he doesn't work - he's GOT to have something to keep his mind occupied - maybe a bit of Voluntary work perhaps? I know - that sounds like I'm saying that you should give more of yourself, when you've already given up so much. It is....sort of. He really DOES need time to get his head straight. There's all kinds of physical and biological changes he's got to get through as his body recovers, as well as his mind and his whole outlook on life.

    He's going to have some real ups and downs as his body re-adjusts to not taking in chemicals. It's going to produce all kinds of hormones and enzymes that will affect his moods, his appetite and his general feelings of well being before it all stabilises and comes down to normal healthy operation. He's going to have problems handling his emotions without any chemical support. A large part of his addiction came about through using drugs as a means of hiding from his emotions - they're scary things, and chemicals chill you out or jive you up - but you never learn how to HANDLE your emotions. Drugs and alcohol stunt any emotional growth and maturity, so in some sense - now he's Clean and Sober, emotionally, he'll be like a teenager again - and scared of it too. Fear and anger will be a big factor for sure. If you can, just ask him how he's feeling. I'll guarantee that they'll be in his answer.

    Again, it's ALL natural and whilst it will seem like you're taking a back seat in his affections - sooner rather than later I hope, he'll realise just what a rock and a gem you are. His 12 Step Programme is a MUST (if he has one already - great) - and it will help him a lot with this.

    A little bit more patience, and you should begin to reap the benefits if it works out for you both. However, if you feel like YOU need help - don't be afraid to ask for it. There are organisations out there who provide support for the partners of those in Recovery. 'Al-Anon' is one well known one. Remember, you have suffered some damage as a result of his addiction too - so you need healing as well.

    If you both take to this new opportunity with open minds, then you'll be doing the best you can to make it work. The rest is God's hands to be honest. It's going to be different - but it can be a whole lot better than you both had before.

    I really do wish you both the very very best of good fortune and happiness. It works - if you work it.

    (You can always PM me if you have any questions).
    Last edited by pussyinboots; 11-23-2010 at 04:42 PM.
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    Default Re: drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

    Dear pussy in boots

    thank you so much for your responses . we both need time to grow personally. He is living in a clean and sober house now and i live in my own apartment. He was going to AA, i dont think he goes as often because of work and whatnot. I want to encourage him to go, i also dont want to nag him. Ill try to suggest that he attend more regularly.

    He has a hard time getting around, he has no car at the moment and is putting away money for it. He has to start at 1 again in terms of a lot of things. Saving money is something he never did and he is learning. He loves having the extra cash though and not being out 2 days after payday. Physically he is ill at the moment, his leg is huge and swollen. He has a blood clot.

    I know i was not seeing the reality of the situation. Healing takes time. I was quick to move along expecting everything to go great now that he had gone through rehab. No, these things take time. I need to make sure to give him emotional space and be there when he needs me.

    I am so glad that he is sober and isnt sick all of the time. I do see this as a disease. I need to also build myself up too. We both do. I am attending my first alanon meeting in 3 days and am planning on getting a life coach or therapist.

    he couldnt afford a support councilor at the time, ill bring up how his recovery is going and see what he has planned. The last thing both of us want is to be on that road again.

    as for what i can do:

    be patient
    work on myself
    encourage him in recovery
    forgive him and start rebuilding our relationship

    it is very encouraging to hear your personal relationship story.


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    Default Re: drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

    Quote Originally Posted by yogibear179 View Post
    Dear pussy in boots

    thank you so much for your responses . we both need time to grow personally. He is living in a clean and sober house now and i live in my own apartment. He was going to AA, i dont think he goes as often because of work and whatnot. I want to encourage him to go, i also dont want to nag him. Ill try to suggest that he attend more regularly.

    He has a hard time getting around, he has no car at the moment and is putting away money for it. He has to start at 1 again in terms of a lot of things. Saving money is something he never did and he is learning. He loves having the extra cash though and not being out 2 days after payday. Physically he is ill at the moment, his leg is huge and swollen. He has a blood clot.

    I know i was not seeing the reality of the situation. Healing takes time. I was quick to move along expecting everything to go great now that he had gone through rehab. No, these things take time. I need to make sure to give him emotional space and be there when he needs me.

    I am so glad that he is sober and isnt sick all of the time. I do see this as a disease. I need to also build myself up too. We both do. I am attending my first alanon meeting in 3 days and am planning on getting a life coach or therapist.

    he couldnt afford a support councilor at the time, ill bring up how his recovery is going and see what he has planned. The last thing both of us want is to be on that road again.

    as for what i can do:

    be patient
    work on myself
    encourage him in recovery
    forgive him and start rebuilding our relationship

    it is very encouraging to hear your personal relationship story.

    Sweetheart, I'm with you both all the way on this. He sounds like he's really trying hard and you're a brave girl to stick with him. I must admit I gasped when you said 'blood clot' - he MUST get that sorted, like YESTERDAY - even if it means getting to A&E and worrying about the cost afterwards - I know the Health Service is shit expensive over there.

    As for AA meetings, well, they saved my life so I can't stress highly enough how important they are. At the right moment, just ask him how they are going. If he's not attending, just express your concern and leave it at that. It's HIS life and HIS recovery at the end of the day - so he has to put the work in. Perhaps, when he sees you attending 'Al-Anon' (that is, if he knows...it's 'Anon' after all) - then he will realise just how much you want this to work.

    My heart goes out to you both. It's a hairy scary time and you can help each other - to a degree.

    If you have ANY other questions, doubts - or just wanna gas....PM me. I'll be here.
    Last edited by pussyinboots; 11-24-2010 at 12:44 AM.
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    Default Re: drug addict co dependent relationship- after rehab

    Now that he's out of rehab there will be a lot of pentup emotions coming to the surface. While on the drugs he was medicated from feeling and now he will have to learn how to cope with his feelings. You will be getting to know a new person who may have more energy or less, who may want more interaction or less. Where I counciled we encouraged patients to avoid heavy emotional commitments and encouraged loving friendship/platonic support so the patient wouldn't be overwhelmed with meeting someone else's needs and likely failing. Try not to expect too much for 6 months-a year. Let him get his footing while you work out what, if any, codependent behaviors you need to acknowledge, address, and resolve.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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