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Thread: When all you do is fight

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    Default When all you do is fight

    So Im married. Been married almost 5 years, together 7. We never ever used to fight until the last 10 months. I think the biggest trigger has been me going back to university. My course is extremely demanding so I pretty much spend the whole week either in class or studying and then need to work as well. I dont get much time with hubby, which is not a problem for me really because I am extremely independent. But he doesn't like it because he says he's lonely. Which I find bs since when we both worked in the office we didnt have much more together time anyway. But that's his feelings so I guess I need to accept that.

    The problem is, whenever we are together we seem to fight, usually over money or what we are going to do together - he always wants to go out clubbing, but I don't really want to or I want to do outdoorsy stuff and he isnt into it. I just feel like we have no common ground anymore. As soon as we start fighting somehow its always my fault but I really dont think its me bringing it up. Im just so over it. Tonight we had a nice relaxing hot tub and he had to start bringing up taxes and money. Seriously now dude? He gets mad at me because I don't want to talk about it. I thought this was "us" time.

    So Ive seriously never ever fought in a relationship. I was with my ex for 8 years and we maybe had one fight and my husband and I maybe had one small argument a year up until now. Im not willing to stop my degree even if it cost me my marriage. This is something I need to do for me. This is the first time I can really say I feel 100% happy and confident in who I am as a person so Im not about to give that up. I guess I have no coping mechanisms for this though... how do you bring a relationship back from here? I fear this is the beginning of the end and it might be too late. I refuse to stay in a relationship like this, we had a strong relationship before...can we still get it back?

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    Im sorry your goin through this Im going through kinda the same thing so I dont have much advice to give. Just wanted to give hugs*

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    That's tough. Can both of you compromise and come to some sort of middle ground? Maybe one weekend you guys can go do something outdoorsy, and the next weekend go clubbing? And set aside specific times to have "dates" where it's just you two having fun and enjoying each other's company, and "serious" talk is off limits?

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    Every couple fights. The problem here might be that you have rarely fought in your marriage, and now you are, so you think it's a sign that this is the end. I really don't think it is! From the posts I have read on here, you seem to have a strong marriage and really love each other.

    It sounds to me like you are just going through a difficult transition phase. Change can be hard, but it will make you stronger as a couple. You may have to LEARN how to argue and discuss topics respectfully if you haven't really done so in the past. I agree that when you are having time for the two of you, that isn't a time he should be bringing up money and starting an argument.

    Since you have so little free time to spend with him, I agree with what Shanna says. You should lay down ground rules about spending an equal amount of time doing what he wants to do and what you want to do, and agree not to talk about issues that might cause an argument.
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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    ^I agree..doesn't sound like it is over. Set time aside for the 2 of you to connect & also time to talk about money issues. I was married for 10 years & was with her a total of 16 & we split because we weren't best friends anymore & didn't want to fight anymore. We were just going in different directions & knew it, so you need to work on this realtionship if you want to keep it.

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    This is sad because I thought you had the perfect marriage. I will say though that I think it's partly because you are going another way. I know I once had a relationship where it was going great but then I switched jobs and the relationship was over. I doubt though that yours will fail and I think it's just he's having hard time dealing with your new life and once he fully accepts it, I think you'll be fine.

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    Veteran Member Kat w's Avatar
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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    Although I am obviously not in your relationship, I think it is fixable.

    From his perspective he probably thinks hot tub time is a good time to talk about money since you are all relaxed and mellow. If you tell him "honey, not now we are relaxing" he might push the issue because you have avoided talking about it with him in the past. My advice is to have serious time before relaxing time. If you put off financial talk with him one night, make sure to the have the conversation the next night or he will keep bugging you when you are trying to relax. Understand that he values your together time but simply has a different perspective on the best time to broach serious topics.

    As for activities to try during together time I suggest trying something niether of you has done before. I understand that you feel like you have run out of common ground (he wants to go clubbing and you want to do outdoorsy stuff) so try to create new common ground by trying a tantric sex class, or going to a new museum or taking a cooking class. Either you will both love it, both hate it, or one of you will disagree, just keep trying new things together until you have common interests again.

    Good luck! You obviously have your head on straight as far as your career and education so taking time for your relationship where you never had to before might seem like lots of work but it will be worth it.

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    Senior Member Biancanz's Avatar
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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    Couples Counselling? Sometimes having another person to talk/whinge to can make things SO much more clear. They can help give you some suggestions to find that common ground again.

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    One thing that keeps my relationship together is activities together. Recreational sports like climbing, skiing, running.
    We get endorphin-ey together and then it feels good between us. Easy.

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    Awww girl I think you know we'd be the first ones to tell you if we thought it was beyond the point of no return, but I agree with everyone else here (the loving perceptive people that they are). From what I can tell, you guys have a level of honesty and openness that many could ever dream of having. Now you 2 are facing some external stressors that carry more weight than in the past and what you've been used to, but that's okay and normal. Life deals those out at times. It's not like they're internally designed stressors (like one of you being intentionally harmful). One of the important things I noticed in your post was that you are able to identify the key triggers, and I think that's such valid sign that you can figure out a way to communicate what's going on.

    We love you k? Stay focused with your studies and set aside a night to talk to him and mentally prepare yourself first to just think calm and soothing. Maybe you ask him an open-ended question first and think of it in your head like it's open mic night at the poetry cafe (that's what I envision when I need to remind myself to listen sometimes).
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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    Sounds like your now starting to communicate more deeply on issue that are couple issues, greater than menus.

    Stick with it.

    Get with the sexin to relieve some tensions.

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    Thanks for your help guys. I really appreciate the feedback. I guess it might sound funny but I really do not think it is "normal" to fight. Ive never fought with anyone - friends, family, partners. Im usually really easy going. And I he is the same. He has already made it very clear that if it continues, the relationship will not. He has ended other relationships for that reason. Honestly I think part of it is jealousy from him because he sees how happy I am and he's really stressed all the time.

    I'm going to take on board some of your suggestions. Starting with date night tonight. Im going to push him to get counselling on his own too because I want him to figure out whats driving him so crazy about me. We still have lots of love and physical attraction, so I guess Id never realised what real opposites we are. We both have time off in the next few weeks so hopefully we can try to find some common ground.

    Thanks for your support

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    does he always start the fights?

    my ex and i used to fight all the time about small things. i regret it, coz neither of us were adult enough to say 'whatever, i think youre in a bad mood, ill see you tomorrow when youre happy'. it wasnt even worth fighting about.

    i agree with sticking with your degree. these couple of years may be tough but once its done no one can take it away from you and its a really nice career. i think us strippers try harder at uni anyway coz we dont wanna be strippers forever.

    i dont know, im sad i thought you guys were the perfect marriage too.
    guess i second taking turns in who picks the activities.

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    Veteran Member bexxx's Avatar
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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    aw I hate the comments saying 'its sad because i thought you had the perfect marriage' thats silly nothing is 'perfect' but your relationship still sounds great to me that you have gone that long without arguing.

    I have been on both ends of this where I am the one who is really busy and dont have too much time or he is the one who is really busy and doesnt have time. The one who wants the least commitment is usually the one who is kind of 'in charge' of the relationship.
    When my bf was so busy and i felt he didnt have time for me we ended up arguing so much more because i would get really angry at him all the time and afterwards id even think in my head what am i even mad about but I think I was just looking for him to be interested in me and what I wanted to do.
    And then when I was the really busy one and showing less interest he would always stress at me and say I didnt have time for him but I didnt notice it as much and would just find him irritating because he was always in a bad mood. I think communication and trying to understand the other persons feelings and both really trying to explain your feelings and not get angry (which sometimes with people who are passionate about each other is hard) is the best thing or even writing letters is good!
    I think your husband needs to find something he enjoys doing to occupy his time then you both will be happier and really appreciate the time you have together, neither of you should give up on your marriage just because youve hit a little rough patch.

    Every relationship especially long ones go through many rough patches and this is a quote from scrubs i always remember (i actually googled to find what it said correctly)

    ''“Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break.

    Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t.

    Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken.
    You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down.
    One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

    sorry this was so long

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    This is pretty normal. Longterm relationships go through "angry phases" where you constantly fight and are angry with each other. Sometimes, these angry phases could last 3 to 6 months and you may feel like the relationship is all over but it will pass. Both of you are just venting pent up anger towards each other. When the angry phase is over, you'll actually feel closer to each other. You'll start a new "happy phase" that'll last for months or years. This cycle continues in long term relationships. The key here is for both of you to muddle your way through it and not do anything to damage the relationship like cheating or breaking trust.
    Last edited by SteveSmith; 12-15-2010 at 02:07 PM.

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    Default Re: When all you do is fight

    I agree with everyone who has said that it's normal. I am also a very generally happy, easy going person who doesn't like conflict in personal relationships. I am now in my 10th year of marriage....we married at 21 years old.

    Honestly, for the most part it has been great, but at about 3 years in when I started university again, I moved back to my parents for a few weeks and seriously thought about ending the relationship. It was a tough change for both of us, and I totally understand where you are with the stress of school and maintaining a marriage.

    It's hard to communicate in posts, but I soooo understand what you're going through. I actually had my hubby leave his awesome full-time city job to move to Guelph because I was convinced that I was accepted to OVC (that didn't happen, unfortunately).

    We worked through it, and I have been really really happy for years now. I know that fighting is not your style (totally not mine either), but sometimes things have to explode then resettle...each side realizing where their priorities lay. But I know how stressful it is to fight when it's not something that you're used to, or comfortable with.....it completely ruins your day/week/month.

    I really hope you guys can resolve your conflict soon. {Hugs}

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