Hey Guys,
Long time no post! Been dancing on and off the last year between 'real' jobs. It's been a really tough year for me coming to terms with the fact that dancing isn't really an option for me any more (it was affecting me way too much), a few 'real' jobs that didn't work out, a break up, a move out, going into debt for the first time ever (and then realising I wouldn't be able to pay it off in a month dancing like I'd hoped), another starting relationship that fell through, being really unhappy in my new apartment, going back to full time night shift (I'm now the dance supervisor at my club) and I'm finding the hours really lonely ... so many changes have left me without any footing, without anything solid to hold on too.
I'm back on lexapro (I took it for 4 months about 2 years ago) and I hate it! I don't like taking pills, its making my anxiety worse, I'm shaky all the time, I get a headache after 1 glass of wine, I feel tired, I still have no motivation to do anything and I know in time its going to block of some of those high happy feelings I know I'm capable of and also start making me feel less connected to people (that's what happened last time). I know being too sensitive to the world can be hard at times - but I also kind of like that part of myself. It's been 3 weeks and I've gradually increased my dose from 5mg to 20mg.
I've fallen into the depression hole many times in my life, it seems to have a cycle with it that comes and goes (it's also in my family). Over the last few years the anxiety is getting worse and the OCD a bit more apparent ;-) I started on the pills again cos I was sick of falling in the hole and sabotaging everything I'd worked towards, frustrated at having to have everything in life a certain way just to feel ok, overwhelmed with all the lists I had to create and stuff I had to note down just to get it out of my head and feel clear.
I just don't know if I want to stay on these things or if I just want to dig deep and do this myself. I know life is going to be fucken tough for me the next few months either way (another reason I started taking pills - I thought they might give me some extra support) ... I'm just at a bit of a loss on what to do.
Posting here cause there are some smart woman around with lots of various life insights ... if you have a chance to reply (and if you made it this far through my post) I'd be really grateful xx xx xx



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