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Thread: The history of the world (very accurate)

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    Mind Blowing The history of the world (very accurate)

    The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked “Am I my brother’s son?”
    God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
    Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
    David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
    Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in “The Illiad”, by Homer. Homer also wrote the “Oddity”, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
    There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.
    History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.
    Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
    Then came the Middle Ages.
    King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
    Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
    In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.
    Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
    The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
    It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible.
    Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
    The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote”.
    The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife dies and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”
    During the Renaissance America began.
    Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.
    The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
    One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
    Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
    Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy”. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
    France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.
    The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
    The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the “Organ of the Species”. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
    The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    God/dess tempest666's Avatar
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    Default Re: The history of the world (very accurate)

    The World According to Student Bloopers

    What follows are bona fide bloopers written by high school and college students. These sentences, verbatim, have appeared in high school essay contest entries, college application essays, and college student papers. As a career teacher, I print them here for your amusement and edification, with no malice or cynicism intended. If you have any additions to this page, to The World According to Newspaper Headlines, or to Weird Science feel free to e-mail them to me at [email protected].

    "If someone is a vegetable, it is fruitless to try to keep him alive on a machine."

    "A great person never said this, but they should have."

    "In the 20s, one drawback was the number of 'bad' drivers and the accidents they caused, such as Daisy Buchanan and her tragic accident with Gatsby's automobile."

    "I used to be a self-scented person, but then I grew up."

    "One who is the victim of a motorcycle accident would have a lot less trouble in terms of not wearing his helmet if he would only use his head while driving."

    "In the future, life is still more than interaction between people."

    "To experience the Wonton Death and Destruction of visiting the Civil War would be horrifying to imagine."

    "I had a revelation, but I use the word lightly."

    "He was one of those young kids with cancerous raging hormones."

    "The discussions were clouded in elaborate systems of rules and manners as ornate as the clothes of the conversationalists."

    "Frostbite was common, as were men with amputatable limbs."

    "In 2222, pollution, ozone, and Greenpeace are far from being problems as they are in the real world."

    "I would always read the works of the cavalier poets whose works always reflected the sentiment 'Cease the Day.'"

    "In war, man kills so that he can improve his culture."

    "Sewage is supplied by the city of Harrisburg, and is maintained by a maintenance crew."

    "My T.I.P.S. training helped me to identify people who were intoxicated and how to persuade them to stop drinking, which I never learned in the classroom."

    "The guests are predominantly from New York and other New England States."

    "Market fluctuations are continually rising."

    "The statue of David's arms were taut with sheer perfect muscle--his marble veins bulged with blood."

    "The people were all laying on their sides, like the Romans did."

    "Thanks to Woodstock, people everywhere realized that there may be more to life than a man, a woman, two children, and a garage with a dog."

    "In the Renaissance an unwary rodent became a grand feast."

    "The past does not interest me because we know everything about it."

    "I can not imagine a more beautiful picture than my mother bearing a child--me."

    "In the 1920s, no one intelligent believed in God."

    "The world is a changing society. Politically, there is South Africa and Eastern Europe. Socially, there is the abortion and death penalty. Physically, there are AIDS and greenhouse."

    "A central part of the Beatnik generation was their subtle drug experimentation."

    "The romantic and armoratory love of the 18th century would woe any women."

    "I have always wished I could have been the pilgrim on the Mayflower to catch that first glimpse of the beautiful New York skyline."

    "If I could time travel, I would go back to Christ's time and upon hearing him speak would think 'I can't believe it--his words are almost exactly as they appear in the Bible!"

    "I don't see the big deal in Shakespeare, in fact, he's full of clichés."

    "The members come from a fifty-mile-square radius."

    "As I see the world in 2004, the ozone layer is going strong and working hard to protect the eyes and skin of a new, united world."

    From a Shakespeare final: "Romeo cannot really be blamed for Ophelia's death."
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    God/dess tempest666's Avatar
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    Default Re: The history of the world (very accurate)

    Geography
    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
    Q: What is a planet?
    A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Sociology
    Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    English
    Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}
    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Technology
    Q: What is a turbine?
    A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

    Biology
    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.
    Q: What is artificial insemination?
    A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen.)
    A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie.
    Q: What does "varicose" mean?
    A: Nearby.
    Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
    A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
    A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.
    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport.
    Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Default Re: The history of the world (very accurate)

    With my goal of being a History teacher, I don't know if this shit is what I look to the most, or dread the most. On the one hand, it's extremely amusing. On the other...imagine trying to teach these morons.

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    God/dess Kylea2's Avatar
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    Default Re: The history of the world (very accurate)

    Sigh... Tempest, are you trying to put me in an irritable mood? Ugh, I hate being reminded that so many people like this exist!

    Have I ever told you about when I had to grade the doctors' tests for their continuing education units (CEUs)? That job really made me realize the importance of finding a smart doctor. You've heard the joke, right? What do you call the medical student who graduates with the lowest GPA? Doctor!
    Don't you ever sleep?
    Not at night...that's when the stars have rather better things to do. They're coming out, shining, that sort of thing.
    - Blog -
    My PM box fills up quick. If you have a question please with your username.
    Congrats to Pryce on doing some much needed tending in his garden!
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    Default Re: The history of the world (very accurate)

    I'm actually giggling to myself

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    Default Re: The history of the world (very accurate)

    And they all grow up to be Breeders and Voters.

    Just shoot off all the nukes now. We will become the species to stupid to live.

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