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Thread: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

  1. #1
    SpeakngEZ
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    Default I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    I love my dad and it's nothing against him. But I don't want him walking me down the aisle or "giving me away." I don't agree with this tradition for many reasons. It offends me as an independent woman and I don't want it to have a place at my wedding. . . . Though I'm not a feminist by any means.

    It just makes me anxious because I know he really wants to do it. And I have a hard time saying no to my dad-- he's a salesman. He's a fast talker and knows how to manipulate people--including me--into doing what he wants. I'll call him in the phone and a half hour of him talking will go by and he'll say he has to go, and I have to yell that I haven't told him what I called him about-- loudly, so he'll hear me.

    He also hasn't been a big part of my life since I was 7 or 8. I moved across the country with my mom after they got divorced and at some point (maybe when I was around 14) he just stopped calling me. A year or so passed when I was 15 when I didn't know his address or his phone number. The kicker? Last year, he told me he was travelling 3,000 miles to see me on my birthday--told me he was going to be able to spend a week in San Diego with me because he'd just landed a good business deal and got a $100,000 commission, and was taking a vacation. I cleared a week from my work schedule, cleaned the whole apartment, everything. He shows up 3 days before my birthday with my brother and their friend and they just take me and my fiancee out to lunch. That's it. Not 4 hours had passed beofre my dad gave me $2,000 and took off to Aspen with my brother and the friend. Apparently, he was on his "bucket list" trip. Too bad spending time with me wasn't on the list. I would've traded the money for one fucking day with him.

    I just don't see how a man who has been absent in raising me or giving me any sort of emotional support can "give me away," even if I was comfortable implying that I was property to be transfered from one man to another. We're Catholic, too! Catholicism has been trying to get rid of this tradition for 2,000 years because it implies that the bride is not entering into the marriage consentually. Asking "who gives this woman" in a Catholic ceremony apparently makes the marriage invalid.

    I just have to idea how to break it to him. I'd still like him to make a toast, do you think that will help?
    Last edited by SpeakngEZ; 01-07-2011 at 08:11 AM.

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    Veteran Member Amareth's Avatar
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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    First off congratulations on getting married!!

    You could always elope. I have a few friends who did that and loved it. Or have a really informal wedding and say ou want to skip that tradition.

    It's a tough one. How soon is it?

  3. #3
    SpeakngEZ
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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    It's not for a year and 9 months. I don't really want to elope, though. I want all my family and friends to be there (so does my fiancee) and we're already excited about the venue we chose, lol. I'm thinking about it now because I know my dad's already thinking about it. I know he's been thinking about it from the moment that I told him I was engaged.

    I'm thinking, maybe I just won't have an aisle.

    ETA: thanks for the congrats!!
    Last edited by SpeakngEZ; 01-07-2011 at 08:05 AM. Reason: yay

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Quote Originally Posted by SpeakngEZ View Post
    I just don't see how a man who has been absent in raising me or giving me any sort of emotional support can "give me away," even if I was comfortable implying that I was property to be transfered from one man to another. We're Catholic, too! Catholicism has been trying to get rid of this tradition for 2,000 years because it implies that the bride is not entering into the marriage consentually. Asking "who gives this woman" in a Catholic ceremony apparently makes the marriage invalid.
    Giving the bride away is a Protestant tradition that has worked its way into American Catholic churches since the US is predominantly a Protestant nation. In a traditional Catholic wedding the bride and groom enter the church together after the priest because in Catholic weddings, the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament of marriage, the priest is an official witness for the church.

    So, if you choose to get married in a Catholic church you could ask for a more traditional wedding where you and your fiance will walk side by side last in the procession. Maybe that will be easier to explain than "Dad, I really just don't want you to give me away."

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    I completely agree with you, I was not comfortable with my dad walking me down the aisle because of the idea that I was property being handed over from my dad to my husband. However I am an only child and I knew my parents wanted to be a big part of the wedding. What I ended up doing was having both my parents walk down the aisle together. My husband's parents did the same thing. I walked by myself.

    Do you think your dad would be okay being involved in the process, but not walking you down the aisle himself? It couldn't hurt to at least ask.
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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    It is your wedding, ultimately, and I don't think you should have to do anything you don't want to. I think if you want to walk alone down that aisle you should do it: if your father hasn't been there for you, I have a hard time understanding why he feels entitled to this. I even have a feeling that it is not something that he has his heart set on, but instead it is an image he has in his head, something he just wants to do. It would be one thing if he came to you and said he wished he'd been there more for you, and that this was how he wanted to start--but even then it would be your decision to make. It is your day, and I think it is a time to signal that you will be living, from here on in, by your own lights. Don't be afraid to live according to your instincts.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    My sister got married in Las Vegas. There was no isle to walk down, no wedding dress, everyone just took a seat and the ceremony was over in 10 minutes. She got married in a small wedding chapel inside the hotel where we were staying. Invite friends and family (everyone pays their own way). Airfare with 3 days hotel is anywhere from $400 to $750 depending on which hotel you choose. A Las Vegas wedding is the best because you save a ton of money and have a honeymoon and lots of fun at the same time. Everyone stayed at the same hotel so it was like a 3 day party.

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Quote Originally Posted by billh View Post
    Giving the bride away is a Protestant tradition that has worked its way into American Catholic churches since the US is predominantly a Protestant nation. In a traditional Catholic wedding the bride and groom enter the church together after the priest because in Catholic weddings, the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament of marriage, the priest is an official witness for the church.

    So, if you choose to get married in a Catholic church you could ask for a more traditional wedding where you and your fiance will walk side by side last in the procession. Maybe that will be easier to explain than "Dad, I really just don't want you to give me away."
    Completely true. I have been reading a lot about Catholic weddings because I hope to be married in one and the giving the bride away has become a recent tradition. Most brides are walked down the aisle by someone (in many churches it's both parents) but they don't ask who gives the bride away. The Catholic weddings I've attended where all where the bride was walked down the aisle by someone. People often attack the Catholic Church for being traditional but the ceremony itself is less chauvinistic than most Protestant weddings.

    My family is Catholic except my dad and this is the one thing they insist if I get married. I am a feminist and hate most wedding traditions but will do this to make my dad happy. Then again my dad has always been there for me. I doubt if he was there that I'd do this.

  9. #9
    SpeakngEZ
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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    People often attack the Catholic Church for being traditional but the ceremony itself is less chauvinistic than most Protestant weddings.
    It really surprised me, too. Then again, we're putting it up against Protestant traditions which take female subservience to a new level (stay-at-home daughters, purity balls, etc).

    Noelle, I really like the idea of my dad walking my mom down the aisle (even though they're divorced and hate each other, they can suck it up) and DF's parents walking each other, then walking myself or having DF walk me.

    After considering not having an aisle, I don't think I could make that work after all. DF and I are both superstitious about him seeing me before the big moment, and I don't want to come through a side door or something. . . . It's my wedding, I want to make an entrance, lol!

    Jhuka, I think it's an image he's had in his head since the moment he realized I was going to get married one day. I think I recall him mentioning it once or twice when I was a kid as something he's looking forward to. When the time comes when we're discussing rehearsing, I'll just make it clear to him that "we're going a more Catholic route." Even though we're not actaully having a Catholic wedding (hiring a judge, not in a Church) I don't see how he could really argue with it.

    Thanks for the support, everyone. I mentioned this on another forum I frequent, eloping was the #1 suggestion there, too, on how to avoid this! I just realize that if I use eloping to avoid this situation, I have to avoid a lot of things of the wedding that I actually want, and it's not worth it to me.

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Quote Originally Posted by SpeakngEZ View Post
    It really surprised me, too. Then again, we're putting it up against Protestant traditions which take female subservience to a new level (stay-at-home daughters, purity balls, etc).
    I've been taking classes to become confirmed (Catholic, just missing this part) and marriage is one of the classes. One person actually said they are converting because the Catholic Church is more liberal on this that most Protestant churches. In fact the Catholic Church doesn't have the whole "obey" issue or the submissive part. I've gone to a few Baptist weddings where the wife had to agree to obey, be submissive, and keep the house while her husband is the leader. They also require a blusher, while Catholic weddings don't (though I probably will because they are pretty). Ironically I was considering marrying an exboyfriend but he wanted me to convert and become Baptist (and have this wedding). I declined and we broke up.

    Actually, mentioning eloping and I know several who did that because of the wedding issues. I think I'd do that in many cases myself.

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    Mind Blowing Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    They also require a blusher, while Catholic weddings don't (though I probably will because they are pretty).
    I apologize if this is a dumb question but what is a blusher.

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Quote Originally Posted by billh View Post
    I apologize if this is a dumb question but what is a blusher.
    Blusher is the veil part that covers the face. Some religions require it but others (like Catholic) don't. Personally I think it's pretty myself and want one though I am far from a submissive woman.

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Congrats!

    There are a few ways I can think of to get around this without offending your dad...

    First off - you say you can't talk to him on the phone because he talks over you...can you e-mail him? This can be a great way to get your point across and discuss things clearly. You can even put in the e-mail that you would like him to reply VIA e-mail because you are getting stressed/confused planning the wedding and you are doing everything wedding-related on e-mail to keep it all straight.

    Once you have found a way to communicate with him, then there are all the suggestions - Having no-one walk you up the aisle, walking up the aisle with your fiancee, having parents walking together up the aisle, etc etc. It might be really nice to find another way to include him in the ceremony (i.e., as a different part of the procession) so he doesn't feel totally left out.
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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Maybe meet halfway with him...have both your parents escort you, or perhaps have your officiant change the wording from "who gives this woman" to something like "who brings this woman"...or even have the officiant nix the whole speech altogether and just have your dad walk you down, give you a hug and hand you off.

    I mean, yes you want this wedding to be everything you dream of, but walking their daughter down the aisle is one of those "once in a lifetime" things for dads too, no matter how absent or manipulative he may be in your day to day life. I think that telling him you don't want him to escort you down the aisle will only make him feel rejected and cause drama. Just my two cents, for whatever its worth lol

  15. #15
    SpeakngEZ
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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    I think email is probably the best route after all. I called him yesterday and it confirmed everything. He talked for 20 minutes, put me on hold for 20 minutes (I was going to just hang up, but I wanted to see what he'd say when he put me back on), then we hung up. I realize that I don't have his email address. I'll have to call him for that, lol.

    As far as this leading to him feeling rejected, this isn't me trying to punish my dad for not being a big part of my life. I just think, for the situation, the tradition doesn't represent the relationship I have with my dad or the I have relationship with my fiancee.

    I talked to DF about it and he decided he wants to walk with me. I have to talk to my dad about whether he'd want to walk with my mom. DF also told me that I should probably talk to him about our father-daughter relationship. He made a good point that he might not even realize anything is wrong.

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    EZ, it is perhaps not my place to say so; I'm not a father, but if a daughter called me to discuss her marriage I would never put her on hold for twenty minutes. A marriage, it seems to me, is about confirming your love for another--not about contorting every which way to make people happy who have not earned your trust. If there is a way to do the wedding without it becoming a battle ground between you and your father, that's fine, but you should have the wedding you want; if it can't be done that way, doing it another way (eloping) is worth considering...some way that allows you to enjoy the day for you and your fiance and the people who love you unconditionally. I've seen a few things in life, and the one thing I've learned is that you can't change people, even for a day, to go along with the way you would like to see things go. What is is, and if your father leaves you on hold for twenty minutes, that is suggesting quite a bit about the relationship. I would be in contact with him by e-mail: tell him you are going forth with the wedding, but you will be walking yourself alone (or however you want to do it) and if he wants to attend you welcome that. It sounds to me like, given the relationship he has with your mom, if he doesn't attend it wouldn't be a crisis, anyway. Just handle it as you want to--firmly and politely (and e-mail is good for that); this is truly a beginning of your life as an adult, and you have a right to handle it as you see fit. I wouldn't let this blow up into a big back and forth between you and your dad--that will affect your other in-laws, and may send echoes into your marriage. Put an end to this: just tell your father how it will be, or, if that is too painful, go another route toward getting married.

    I will be rooting for you, and I'm sorry that you had that treatment by your father.
    JK Jim

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    Default Re: I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

    Quote Originally Posted by SpeakngEZ View Post
    He made a good point that he might not even realize anything is wrong.
    Thats what I was going to say. It seems like he isnt aware that theres an issue between you two. I think emailing him is a good idea since you obviously cant get through to him during phone calls. (20 minutes on hold is insane) Your best bet, in my opinion, is to just write everything out for him. Tell him exactly how you feel and be upfront with him. Maybe you could include him in the wedding some other way so he still feels like he has a part in it? I like the idea of your parents walking down together too...

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