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Thread: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

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    Default To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    So, I wrote about this a little in the confession thread.
    Basically, I've been lying to my mother in law for almost 9 years now.
    Lying to her about something soooo stupid. My birthday.

    I was 17 when I got with my husband, he was 24. She didn't like that....and in order to stay in her house, he made up a lie saying I was turning 18 on July 18.
    Since then, she has thought my birthday is July 18 and I'm a year older than I actually am.

    My real birthday is February 21, and I'll be 26 next month.

    It has always bugged me because she has bought me gifts before on my fake birthday. Then, on my real birthday I just have to act like it's a normal day when in all reality, I'm usually super excited about my birthday. I guess it's especially bugging me this year because she's my friend on FB, and I'm going to have to block her from seeing my wall around that time...PLUS, she's coming to visit on February 20.

    There goes my birthday....

    I'm just sick of lying about something SOOOO FUCKING STUPID!
    I woke up all ready to send her a long message on FB telling her that I'm sorry this lie has been going on for so long, and I don't want it to go on any longer. I don't want my son (my kids) to have to hide the fact it's my birthday when they're old enough to realize...etc, etc.

    Then my husband got mad. Asking why it bothers me so much, and that I don't care if he gets shit on, and by me saying something it's just going to all come down on him (when it should, he made the stupid lie up) and why I could lie this long and all of a sudden can't do it anymore...etc, etc, blah, blah, blah...

    It bugs me because I am not a liar. I guess this one has been "easier" to deal with because it only comes up once a year really. When ever my birthday is mentioned, I quickly change the subject. It bugs me because it's an important day to me, and his mom is cool, and I'm sick of having to hide it it. It bugs me because he's more worried about his mom coming down on him then me being relieved and finally having a weight lifted off my shoulders.

    Soo..what would you do? Would you tell your SO to fuck off and spill the beans, or go with your SO wishes, and continue this lie?

    I mean, it EVENTUALLY has to come to light and be found out. Right? Wouldn't it mean more if the truth came out from me or him rather than some weird way??

    We're already fighting about this situation, so should I just go and send the message to his mom?

    What would you do?

    (ugh, sorry this was so long.)

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    Veteran Member Amareth's Avatar
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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    What kind of relationship do you have with her? You said she's cool so hopefully she has a good sense of humour. If it was me I'd probably take around a nice bottle of wine or two, have a glass with her then say "I have a confession to make" and make it out to be something huge and horrible, tell her, then hopefully she'll see a bit of humour in the fact it's gone on so long and have a laugh about it.

    I think it's best to tell her straight up before she finds out from someone else or through facebook. She's way more likely to be upset and hurt from that than if you tell her yourself.

    I hope your husband comes around, you make a very good point about your kids. It's one thing lying to her yourself but getting your kids to lie about it as well? That's just harsh on her and a bad example for them (that they would most likely guilt you with as teenagers).

    Good luck! Hope it all works out.

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    Featured Member *Jade*Love's Avatar
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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Wouldn't it be nice to not have to deal with the stress and anxiety this situation brings anymore? I think if you really need to get this off your chest, screw what your husband thinks. He's acting rather immature about it, does he understand how bad it makes you feel? As an adult he needs to stop worrying about covering his own ass and deal with the issue at hand. It's not really his secret to keep anyway.

    Hopefully she'll be nice about it and have a good sense of humor and the whole thing can just blow over. I don't know about you but I am such a people pleaser when it comes to family... it terrifies me to disappoint them So I can definitely relate to how torn you're feeling about the whole situation. But I think you'll feel so much lighter after this is all over and behind you

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Quote Originally Posted by Amareth View Post
    What kind of relationship do you have with her? You said she's cool so hopefully she has a good sense of humour. If it was me I'd probably take around a nice bottle of wine or two, have a glass with her then say "I have a confession to make" and make it out to be something huge and horrible, tell her, then hopefully she'll see a bit of humour in the fact it's gone on so long and have a laugh about it.

    I think it's best to tell her straight up before she finds out from someone else or through facebook. She's way more likely to be upset and hurt from that than if you tell her yourself.

    I hope your husband comes around, you make a very good point about your kids. It's one thing lying to her yourself but getting your kids to lie about it as well? That's just harsh on her and a bad example for them (that they would most likely guilt you with as teenagers).

    Good luck! Hope it all works out.
    We have a really good relationship...I'm just also scared to ruin that. I'm open and honest with her about everything else I just don't want her to think she can no longer trust me.

    I really like the idea of building it up to be something way worse and then letting her know it's really not that bad. Because it's really not that bad, it's just more of the fact of how long it's been going on.

    I know she's going to be hurt, but like you said, she would be hurt more finding out some other way.

    Thank you for the encouragement and advice.

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Quote Originally Posted by *Jade*Love View Post
    Wouldn't it be nice to not have to deal with the stress and anxiety this situation brings anymore? I think if you really need to get this off your chest, screw what your husband thinks. He's acting rather immature about it, does he understand how bad it makes you feel? As an adult he needs to stop worrying about covering his own ass and deal with the issue at hand. It's not really his secret to keep anyway.

    Hopefully she'll be nice about it and have a good sense of humor and the whole thing can just blow over. I don't know about you but I am such a people pleaser when it comes to family... it terrifies me to disappoint them So I can definitely relate to how torn you're feeling about the whole situation. But I think you'll feel so much lighter after this is all over and behind you
    Thank you!
    He asks why it's bugging me so much, and he doesn't realize that he doesn't have to deal with it when he's the one who lied about it to begin with. He started the lie, and I'm the one who had to go on and on with it.
    Sooo....it looks like I'm going to be the one to end the lie.

    Thank you again. <3

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    Veteran Member Amareth's Avatar
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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_
    We have a really good relationship...I'm just also scared to ruin that. I'm open and honest with her about everything else I just don't want her to think she can no longer trust me.
    As you said in the OP she's going to find out one day, it's inevitable. She'll be less upset this way and even if she thinks she can't trust you as much she'll at least have to respect the fact you told her.

    I'd recommend telling her in person rather than a FB message, but I know that's a lot easier said than done.

    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_
    Sooo....it looks like I'm going to be the one to end the lie.
    Really hope it all blows over quickly enough that she can help you celebrate your real birthday with you!!

    (couldn't find the *hugs* emoticon so just pretend it's there!)

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    I think you should tell her and get it over with, as long as you think she is understanding, so you won't have to deal with this situation any more. I think it would be better to call her than send her a message on facebook.

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    I think you should tell her! It was a lie that was told eight years ago, you and her son ended up getting married because of the lie! Sure, she might make a stink about it right when she finds out but I think she should get over it pretty quick.

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    honesty is the best policy...
    seriously.

    Just tell her! I dont think its that big of a deal (then again I dont know your family so..) If you two have a good relationship she should understand! Plus it was so long ago...just explain EVERYTHING including why youve hidden it so long..like a white lie that got outta hand. I think she will be understanding and you will feel SO MUCH better hun!

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Tell her... blame the lying on your husband. After all, we all know it's always their fault!

    Seriously though, you two have been together long enough that lying to her is a joke at this point. Just explain the situation to her, she'll probably find it pretty amusing.
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    Featured Member *Jade*Love's Avatar
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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    How did everything go?

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    ^^I honestly, for the moment, just feel better talking about it. (So thank you all again)

    It's not bugging me like it was.
    I think if anything, I'll wait until she gets here so I can tell her in person....that way my husband is right there and won't be able to avoid her calls and have no choice but to back me up..lol.

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Good decision

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    I think talking to her in person is your best bet anyways. Let us know what goes down chica!

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    ^^I don't really think a letter is the best way to say to her MIL that she's sorry. Just seems like a childish way to avoid dealing with the situation, and that certainly isn't the way you want your MIL to view you. Best be adults and do it face to face.
    "I hear you calling and it's needles and pins. I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name...You're poision. but I don't wanna break these chains.... I wanna love you but I'd better not touch."

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Avery - just tell her everything you've told us. You come across as sincere and sorry, and that's really all that matters.

    Like everyone else said, she'll probably just find it amusing eventually (but might be miffed at first).

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    you should just tell her,,i mean that was 9 years ago,,
    you said shes cool,,so maybe it wont be that big of deal to her,,
    but then again she could be humiliated,,
    that she had the wrong birthday for 9 years,,
    i still say you should tell her,,youll feel better and you wont have to hide it anymore.
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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    I sent her the message just now.
    I couldn't wait for her to get here because it's been bugging me again and in case she is mad, I don't wanna ruin her time while she's here...

    I did this without my husband's approval...in fact, we're now fighting because of it, but oh well...I had to do this.

    This is what I sent:
    Hi....I really need to confess something to you and finally come clean about something.

    This is super hard for me to do, but I'm sick of lying about something so stupid.

    Soo...here it goes:

    When Jay and I first got together he told you my birthday was in June. He said that in order for you to believe I was 18 rather than 17.
    It was a stupid little lie that has gone on for WAYYYYY too long.

    I guess the reason I let it go on for so long was because my birthday was never really a big deal to me and also because it really only came up once a year. So I never really thought about it until the time in June.

    Even then, I never really wanted to talk about it...and just tried to make it seem like a regular day.

    My actual birthday is February 21....and I'll be turning 26 this year.

    I can't blame Jay (and am not blaming him for this) because I'm a big girl and should have just said something a long time ago before EVER letting something so stupid to lie about go on for this long.

    I'm finally saying something because I want to be able for once to celebrate my real birthday with you. You'll be here on that day and I don't want to hide the fact that it is my birthday.

    Not only that, but Gage is getting older and I don't want him to lie about it. So, I'm stopping this lie now. I just feel stupid for waiting so long.

    It was never created to hurt you or anything, it was just something that was said when Jay and I were young and it just has gone on for too long.

    I pride myself on being such an open and honest person and I can't be true to myself if I have to keep hiding the fact when my actual birthday is.

    Not only that, you're like my second mom...and I don't like secrets. Especially keeping secrets from people I love and care about.


    I don't know what else to say besides I'm sorry for allowing this to go on for so long. I hope you can forgive me and just know that I never meant to hurt you.

    I was going to wait to tell you in person, but had to get this off my chest now. I wanted to say something awhile ago, but...yeah, I was nervous.

    I really, really, really hope you can forgive me for lying about something so stupid..and just hope you can trust me again.
    Because I really am an honest and open person (sometimes...too honest and open...lol), and am just need to get this off my chest and off my mind.

    I do love you, and hope that you can forgive me...and hope we can move on from this.



    I should have asked opinions on this first, but...oh well...should I go and add anything?? Is that okay??

    I'll let you know what happens next....

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    Featured Member MistyRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    It sounds like a genuinely honest letter. I hope she will take it well, after the initial surprise and that things between you will remain good.

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    I think that's a great letter and unless she is a heartless bitch then she should totally understand and may even laugh about it. I know I would It is a silly lie and yes it went on for too long but c'mon, it's not like you murdered someone. I have a feeling everything will be fine.. Good luck!

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    ^ Agreed. I hope everything goes well with her reaction!

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    sounds good to me,,
    hope all goes well.
    keep us posted.
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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    So after almost of a month of not hearing anything about my message, his mom arrived today.

    She said she did read the message and was hurt at the time, but is over it and happy that the truth is out. She just asked that we never lie about anything else since we've all been through a lot together. I said, I can definitely do that.

    I'm just sooooooooo glad and relieved that this is all over with and VERY glad I finally told the truth. No more lies...and I can have a happy and open birthday tomorrow!

    Thanks again for everyones support. <3

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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Yea! I'm happy it worked out for you!
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    Default Re: To continue to lie or tell the truth?

    Yay!! I'm so glad everything went well for you! Now y'all can just celebrate your birthday and have a good time with no more stress involved

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