Okay so... I need to revamp my entire personality.
I'm a nice person. I really am. But I'm one of those that will bend over backwards for nearly ANYONE and I have trouble picking out who's taking advantage. Even mere acquaintances can say "man... I wish I had this/knew this/was in this situation.." I will automatically start cataloging all my resources to see if I can help. I've identified why I do this. It's because I want people to like me. To me, there's nothing wrong with this in moderation, but I do it in excess because I feel I have to make up for my biggest character flaw:
I BITCH ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I can't help it. It's like a compulsion. Negativity just flows from me in waves when I start confiding with someone.
I feel at this time I should state that I'm:
currently back in school after years of not going,
I'm making mostly B's with a couple of A's,
I get enough in grants and loans that I probably won't have to work until I earn my degree,
I live rent free, have all utilities and food provided,
I now have access to free (albeit very basic) health care, gym membership,
I got a free IPOD because it got rained on and the person just bought another to replace it. Took it apart, cleaned the corroded area, and it was good as new
I just bought myself a new (to me) car that is the newest and best I've ever had, and I also paid over $4000 LESS for it than I should have,
I sold my previous car for more than I should have been able to (I was completely honest with the guy about it's issues too!),
and my boyfriend is respectful, intelligent, and loyal, and I'm sure there's more but that's all I can think off the top of my head.
But when I talk to someone, all I do is bitch that
my boyfriend won't get a job (he's a student working on his 2nd degree),
he won't pay a lot of attn to me, he plays games, he's lazy and forgetful, etc etc -insert other needy girl complaints here-,
I bitch that the speakers in my car are blown, but can't bring myself to spend absurd amounts of money to replace them,
I don't have spending cash,
I ALWAYS sick. always always always.
3 people in the house smoke and it bothers me,
the electrical devices in the house grate on my nerves because I can usually hear two tvs, a radio, game system, washer, dryer, central heat unit, dishwasher, 3 computers and endless phone ringing... it just makes me crazy. There's sooo much more but again I don't really think about it I just start talking and it's all bitching.
I do bitch when I'm around people that I don't live with, but I'm rarely in that situation. Most days I'm piled up in bed and don't have a whole lot of motivation to start the day.
I've been to a counselor and she referred me to the school's psych services and also assessed me for ADHD. She suggested I have a cornucopia of issues including ADHD, bi-polar, and depression. I will be able to get into psych services later this month when the semester starts again. I think these issues explain a lot, but I guess what I'm asking is:
Do you guys have any suggestions as to how to stop this? I really do think to myself "Say something positive. Talk about school. Talk about the other person. Don't be selfish, don't dominate the convo." And then 5 seconds later I'm like "OMG my boyfriend did this and this wrong yesterday/I don't feel good/ I'm sooo broke etc etc."
To me, it's just like biting my nails or playing with my hair. It's like a compulsion or nervous tick. And I get on my own nerves when I do it!! I can't stand this person I've turned into and my lack of social graces.
I've tried changing the way I think and repeating the above mantra in my head without success. I'd like to try some self help or motivational things. Anything I can listen to in my car or on my mp3 player would be great. I have a strong feeling that I will probably be put on antidepressants, and GREAT! if it works, but I'd like to do what I can before classes start, because I get sooo much worse when I'm stressed.
So, so sorry for how long this is, and to make matters worse, there's more, but I think this may help give you a pretty good idea of my problem.



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