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Thread: he's just not that into you...or is he?

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    Default he's just not that into you...or is he?

    How do you guys feel about a female having to always initiate(sp) a conversation,or always being the "first one" rather it be texting or calling. Is this ok? Or does it come to a point in time where he should be getting in touch first. If a guy says he is shy does that have something to do with him waiting for you to be the first to do these things? Does it means he's just not that into you? I always though girls who text and called first always where looked at as desperate. In the past if I became tired of being the first I would just not do anything until he made a move,so then I could see how long it would take until they would get in contact with me,sometimes it would take 3 days to a week....maybe longer. If longer I would be for sure he's not feeling things. Only there's a guy who I like and I feel like I'm being the agressor or not even that...just the one who is giving more on the pursuing end. Should the guy chase the girl if he really likes her?....are there cases where a guy is still really into the girl if he doesn't chase her or even just is the one who doesn't pursue more?.....I think my problem is I don't know how to be a friend first....I always expect the guy to be head over heels right away and want to see me everyday type of thing. I've only had one boyfriend...people never believe me though...because I guess I'm considered "hot" that one bf screwed my perception up of how relationships work...which makes it even more difficult to pursue an adult relationship the right may for me. Any advice?
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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    You quoted the book in your title - have you read it? Honestly, it will sum things up for you much, much better than I can!

    The shortest version I can give you is that there are no hard and fast rules, but just ask yourself a few questions: what is your instinct telling you? (not that bit of your brain that wants him to want you - your actual instinct) Does the current situation make you HAPPY, or do you feel ignored, let down, anxious or tense? Do you feel like you are chasing him down? Would you accept/be happy with this behavior from a new friend (of the same sex, or in a non-sexual relationship), an old friend or a networking contact?

    But seriously. Read the book. Its awesome.
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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Generally I do believe a male should chase the female in the beginning.

    In my head, the way I think, if a male acted interested in you, its either;
    1. He wants to fuck you,
    2. He wants a further/relationship with you. If I want #2, I wanth him to work for me.. because I dont just want to be his FB, or get my emotions confused with his. So I prefer to the male to chase me, BUT I do believe the female should let him know if shes interested (after the male asked her out serveral times etc) and do call, msg and asks him on dates from time to time, to let the partner know she still wants him. Not too needy/clingy but enough attention for him to be interested and no look elsewhere.

    I think when both parties shown true emotion, and actually discussed where they see each other, then its ok for both to call, text, ask out in no certain order.

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    Senior Member MOP's Avatar
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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Well when I do text this guy he responds within a decent amount of time that usually pleases me. He is not American, he is Canadian....suppose women in Canada are not so traditional when it comes to this? Meeting him...I approached him. Also he is a hockey player for an AHL team...I hear these guys are players...but I don't get that vibe from him. I need that book! Only thing is I have read this type of book before and I don't like the idea of following steps to pursuing a guy. I feel like I would be being a girl the book told me to be...not the girl I really am,which would come out eventually. I'm just so confused I wish I knew how to be friends with a guy.
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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    From this guys perspective he isn't interested, or he is playing games. After a certain point when a level of comfort is reached I think calls should flow both ways, ive never been in a relationship where it didn't happen that way in fairly short order. If that doesn't happen the one doing the calling should really evaluate what is really happening as opposed to what they would like or hope to happen. Pro Hockey players have no lack of female attention, he may be quiet and shy, but when he goes to the bar after the game it probably doesn't matter. My thought is that he is keeping you on the back burner until it may be convienient to hook up.

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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Oh hockey boys! I'm from Canada and I'm not sure if us ladies are less traditional than American ones, but I've definitely been pursued by our boys, and there have been times when I've felt a bit more like the pursuer. I think a balance is key, because it shows that both individuals are interested.

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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Quote Originally Posted by MOP View Post
    I need that book! Only thing is I have read this type of book before and I don't like the idea of following steps to pursuing a guy. I feel like I would be being a girl the book told me to be...not the girl I really am,which would come out eventually. I'm just so confused I wish I knew how to be friends with a guy.
    I think you'll be pleasantly surprised - it's definitely the anti-rules! There aren't really rules, it's more about understanding WHY something is a red flag, and what it says about how a guy feels about you. There are only two relationship books I recommend, this is one. (the other is the Jane Austen rules...another anti-rules about following your instincts, not a set of rules!)

    As for the canada thing - I live in Canada, and if anything, the men I've met here are over-enthusiastic to the point of aaaalmost bordering clingy...most of them won't stop calling!! But hockey players....are called players for a reason! (though I'm sure not all of them)
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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Oh lord. Many a puck bunny has done the AHL circuit, and I will save you lots of time and emotion.

    Stay far, far away.

    He may be a great guy, but his schedule is insane. He has practice, constantly, travels for games for 8 months of the year, etc. He does not have time to start a relationship. He has time to fuck, and then travel to the next city and move to the next.

    Most hockey players are pretty reserved, but they still are swimming in puck bunnies when they leave the locker room.

    A very good friend of mine was in the AHL, and now in the NHL, and from hanging with him and his teammates, trust me on this-hockey players are generally good guys, but they do not make good boyfriends, unless you managed to date them BEFORE they entered a major hockey league and their lives got crazy.

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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    I've never met a hockey player but athletes in other fields, and I would never date one. The amount of infidelity I've seen turns me off to them.

    I used to think He's Just Not Into You is crap. Still do, but one thing I've learned from friends is that many guys love you to play games. This is something I intend to do next time I meet a guy. This includes him pursuing me, him paying, him doing all the work. I refuse to be a doormat again.

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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    ^ I disagree that men want to play games. I dont want to sound rude but females .. most Ive seen in dating were crazy, desperate, clingy etc with the guy... So games were included due to her "I called 5x times today, now waht?"exp. Both parties should have respect and know what both want. I think when a woman is sexy and confident thats all that matters without the game factor.

    As for the OP, just go with the flow.. Let him call him and ask you out, you did as much as could with him

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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    agh i had a crush once on a canadian hockey player, he was so cute and polite. he sayed that he can't have a girlfriend because of his traveling. later i've learnt that he had a girlfriend in his home town..

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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kisca View Post
    ^ I disagree that men want to play games. I dont want to sound rude but females .. most Ive seen in dating were crazy, desperate, clingy etc with the guy... So games were included due to her "I called 5x times today, now waht?"exp. Both parties should have respect and know what both want. I think when a woman is sexy and confident thats all that matters without the game factor.

    As for the OP, just go with the flow.. Let him call him and ask you out, you did as much as could with him
    I know a lot of clingy women and this seems to turn off guys. I know it would turn me off (and I hate clingy men). I think in general women are more desperate because there is more pressure for us to marry.

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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I know a lot of clingy women and this seems to turn off guys. I know it would turn me off (and I hate clingy men). I think in general women are more desperate because there is more pressure for us to marry.
    I think that it is really difficult (or impossible) to find a universal standard for what is considered "clingy"...different people have different ideas on this, and FOR different people as well.

    If you meet someone, and you really like them, you may be happy with them contacting you every day, but if you are unsure on them, it would be considered clingy!

    I really think that we have become so focused on rules, and what is "right" that we have totally lost touch with common sense and instinct when it comes to dating...its not smart to run headfirst into a relationship because you can get too emotionally dependent before you really know them, but beyond that, I say screw it - do what you feel is appropriate, and react to their reactions...if you are texting them constantly and they are taking longer to reply, seeming standoffish...then text less! See if he picks up, or disappears....does this seem stupidly simple to anyone else??? I struggled with this for so long until I figured out that I was seriously overcomplicating everything....
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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Quote Originally Posted by ManyRoses View Post
    I really think that we have become so focused on rules, and what is "right" that we have totally lost touch with common sense and instinct when it comes to dating...its not smart to run headfirst into a relationship because you can get too emotionally dependent before you really know them, but beyond that, I say screw it - do what you feel is appropriate, and react to their reactions...if you are texting them constantly and they are taking longer to reply, seeming standoffish...then text less! See if he picks up, or disappears....does this seem stupidly simple to anyone else??? I struggled with this for so long until I figured out that I was seriously overcomplicating everything....

    2x.. Thats how I always saw things. Thats why dating seems like a fucking joke to me... I like things simple

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    Default Re: he's just not that into you...or is he?

    Quote Originally Posted by ManyRoses View Post
    I think that it is really difficult (or impossible) to find a universal standard for what is considered "clingy"...different people have different ideas on this, and FOR different people as well.

    If you meet someone, and you really like them, you may be happy with them contacting you every day, but if you are unsure on them, it would be considered clingy!

    I really think that we have become so focused on rules, and what is "right" that we have totally lost touch with common sense and instinct when it comes to dating...its not smart to run headfirst into a relationship because you can get too emotionally dependent before you really know them, but beyond that, I say screw it - do what you feel is appropriate, and react to their reactions...if you are texting them constantly and they are taking longer to reply, seeming standoffish...then text less! See if he picks up, or disappears....does this seem stupidly simple to anyone else??? I struggled with this for so long until I figured out that I was seriously overcomplicating everything....
    That makes sense. By clingy I meant the people that are in constant contact. I dated few men like that and it drove me nuts. I know next time I date I am taking it casual for a few months.

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