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Thread: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

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    Default Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    Lately I've been thinking a lot about two exes. One that I hurt, and one that hurt me. The one that I hurt was probably one of the nicest guys I've ever gone out with, and it's just now that I'm realizing how unfair and evil I was to him. I even posted about him here as the "biggest loser" I ever slept with. I think back on it, and I think the real loser was me. He was sweet, and kind and I treated him like shit. He was a big, fat, kind of unattractive guy, but I think about what I did to him and his friends and I cringe. I don't have any excuse. I was just leaving an abusive relationship and I think I just wanted to hurt someone after being hurt for so long. I should have known better.

    I don't know if it will change anything, but I want to call him up and apologize. But I don't know if it'll just hurt him more if I get in touch with him. Part of me wants to call my other ex and just get hurt again. I know that's stupid, but I feel like I need to purge the guilt. I finally get why some Christians scourge themselves and do painful penance. I don't know what to do. I wish there was some way to make things right.

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    Veteran Member anelia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    it might mean a lot to him. if you ever get the urge to apologize to someone for something, randomly, out of the blue, i would say act on it. might make his day. if he is a sweetie and you ditched him, he's probably still hurt. it might really cheer him up to know you've been thinking about him, and not in a "what a loser, so glad i ditched him" kind of way.
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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    I agree with anelia, apologies are always a good thing. If you're worried that he might get hurt from being in touch with you, just tell him that he doesn't need to reply or respond if he doesn't want to. Just putting your feelings out there will help a lot.

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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    I would apologize.

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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    I would apologize. This reminds me a lot of the last ex. Years ago when we met I was so cruel to him it wasn't funny. I made fun of him, told him he wasn't good enough to be my boyfriend, etc. Of course years later this changed and I wanted him but now he has issues. I often wonder if he's having issues partly because of me. Like you, I met him while dumping an abusive (in this case emotionally) boyfriend and my attitude towards men wasn't very great.

    You sound like you regret it, but don't be like me where you don't apologize until it might be too late. Do it now and really mean it.

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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    As someone who was hurt, deeply and surprisingly, by an epic woman a few years back, I'm not sure how I'd react if she contacted me to apologize. It'd be a complicated, emotional moment; no simple Hallmark Card. So, if you decide to do this, be prepared for his suspicion and anger, which may have had years to fester. If you still think you owe him an apology, regardless of how he reacts, then by all means go ahead. In my case, I'd prefer the closure, even knowing how difficult it'd be.

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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    It is understandable that if you feel guilty you might feel the need to get hurt again to sort of make up for what you did, but that is not going to do anything at all for the guy you hurt and it will just be one more thing you will feel guilty about and beat yourself up about later. Forget the asshole ex, apologize to the nice one but do not try to get back into his life.

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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    You know, I had a boyfriend who treated me like absolute shit, then came out of no where to apologize a few years later.

    And I was furious.

    He wasn't really apologizing to make me feel better...he was apologizing to make himself feel better. He never thought "Hey, she may not want to hear from me", he just cared about fixing his own guilt.

    And it really annoyed me. I had finally gotten over him, and hadn't thought about him in a while. And then he called, and it started all over again.

    Sometimes I think people apologize just to make themselves feel better about the past-it doesn't always help the person you wronged. Sometimes, the guilt i sthe cross you have to bear.

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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    Quote Originally Posted by kandie_kitten View Post
    You know, I had a boyfriend who treated me like absolute shit, then came out of no where to apologize a few years later.

    And I was furious.

    He wasn't really apologizing to make me feel better...he was apologizing to make himself feel better. He never thought "Hey, she may not want to hear from me", he just cared about fixing his own guilt.

    And it really annoyed me. I had finally gotten over him, and hadn't thought about him in a while. And then he called, and it started all over again.

    Sometimes I think people apologize just to make themselves feel better about the past-it doesn't always help the person you wronged. Sometimes, the guilt i sthe cross you have to bear.
    Wow, I had the same experience and I was pissed too. It was like putting me on the spot. He was the total asshole in the first place and then he calls up and asks for my forgiveness. The jerk didn't deserve my forgiveness but then I look like a bitter bitch for telling him to go fuck himself.

    I hadn't even thought of the dude in years and then he pops back into my life to dredge everything up so that he can sleep better at night.

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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    If I call, I'm not going to ask for his forgiveness. Honestly what I did to him is unforgivable. I'm just going to let him know I'm here, I deeply regret what I did, and I'm extremely sorry. This is the thing I regret most in my life. There's one other thing I did involving the abusive ex that I regret, but the only person I really hurt there was me. I ashamed and embarrassed about that one, but I'd do anything to have not done this.

    I know where he lives. I wonder if I should just go in person or if I should call.

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    Featured Member kandie_kitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    Again, please think about why you are doing this.

    You showing up at his door or calling him out of the blue may bring up all kinds of horrible feelings he may have moved on from. So while it may ease your regret, you may end up just causing him more pain.

    If you feel like you HAVE to do this, please don't do it in person. That's just putting him on the spot way too much.

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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    I also found myself in a moment where an ex contacted me out of the blue to apologize about how our relationship ended. We had been done for 5 years when she did this, and she had just recently gotten married to the guy she had cheated on me with, and left me for.

    I told her I appreciated the apology, but it wasn't necessary, I had come to terms (years ago) with the end of our realtionship and regardless of what happened held no ill feelings towards her.

    She then told me the apology was necessary for her, cause it made her feel better. Immediately I felt the same anger and hurt that I had so many years before over how selfish she was, and now all I had was the same ill feelings from when she first left.

    I would say the apology is an OK idea, but like others have said, be careful of what it may bring up in the other person's mind. And at all costs, even if it would be true, don't be so selfish to admit that the apology is for you and not for him. I can't imagine that would make ANYONE feel any better.
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    Default Re: Thinking a lot about two exes and what's wrong with me

    Well, I called him and it wasn't awful. We used to be friends before we dated so maybe that helps. He said he was happy to hear from me, and missed me. That made me feel worse. He wants to meet me face to face. He says he wants closure, but I'm a little worried he wants to get back together. I wouldn't be against dating him, but I think it's a terrible idea on his part. Anyway, we're going to try to have dinner later this week.

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