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Thread: Very Concerned...

  1. #1
    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Very Concerned...

    It really bothers me that my fiancee is so unaccepting of the LGBT community. Whenever the topic of gender reassignment comes up on a TV show or movie, he does this whole over-the-top physical shudder that's pretty theatrical. He has the same reaction whenever the topic of homosexuality comes up. He says he's very uncomfortable with homosexuality because the first gay guy he ever met was extremely sexually inappropriate with him and kept physically harassing him after being rejected numerous times. He was a teenager then.

    And he says the idea of gender reassignment surgery really bothers him. He says he doesn't understand transgender people, because, "Most of them end up switching back anyways." By this, he doesn't mean they go back to their original gender; he means that a heterosexual man will have a gender reassignment and then become a lesbian. So why wouldn't they just have stayed a man? He really doesn't seem to understand the difference between gender identity and sexual preference. And no matter how many times I try to explain it, he still doesn't get it. He also thinks that a lot of gay people CHOOSE to be gay, because apparently he's known several girls who went through abusive relationships and then became lesbians only because "they didn't trust men anymore." My opinion is that these women were always at least bisexual, and now just solely date women. If you aren't attracted to a certain gender, I don't think there's anything that can MAKE you become attracted to them.

    But anyways, like I said, he always has that really epic shudder whenever the topic comes up, and it bothers me extensively. I know he isn't gay, but his attitude is very troubling. It's like he's trying to prove something. I don't know if this is something he gets from his family (who are, among other things, extremely racist and very unaccepting of anyone different than they are, which includes everything from the LGBT community to almost every non-American culture, especially those who aren't from Western Europe), from his friends, or maybe from a past experience he's never discussed with me. I've tried discussing it with him, but he says he's allowed to be uncomfortable and then won't say anything else. This really seriously bothers me, because I find his attitude ignorant and close-minded, and I really can't stand those qualities.

    Any advice?

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    Senior Member xNatashax's Avatar
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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    Wow... If he's saying he has the right to feel uncomfortable, tell him that it SHOULDN'T be making him so uncomfortable! This whole over-the-top shudder thing he does is not a normal way to react in those situations!
    Let him know that seeing him react the way he does makes you uneasy.

    Have you tried explaining to him that his first gay male encounter is most likely what has triggered this whole thing and made his views on sexuality what they are today?

    Seems like he has gotten the impression that all gay people will be like that one gay boy, sexually harassing him. Sounds like his family have gotten to him too. What does he think about racism?

    Hmm... you say you've tried many time to explain the difference between gender identity and sexual preference. I don't see how someone can't get this.

    What about gay sexual acts in nature/the animal kingdom. How does he address that?

    I can see why his ignorance would bother you. I couldn't tolerate this myself.

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    Senior Member Niko-n-Justine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    People need to understand that it is no different than if a member of the opposite sex comes on to you really hard--just because it happens, would that suddenly make him shudder at heterosexual women?

    Be it, I am bi, even if someone is not, someone being attracted to you whether it be of the same or opposite sex, in my opinion it should be flattering. I'm not attracted to every man or woman that I come across, but even if someone I find unattractive finds me to be gorgeous, I wouldn't be upset by it... actually it would boost my self-confidence.

    Long story short, one bad experience shouldn't define someones attitude to the entire group of said individuals. It's not easy to get that point across to someone, because not everyone is raised in the same fashion. None-the-less, such attitudes generally spill over into other arenas, so it's certainly something that is crucial to discuss in order to improve and strengthen your relationship, especially considering how important this issue obviously is to you.

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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    Quote Originally Posted by xNatashax View Post
    Have you tried explaining to him that his first gay male encounter is most likely what has triggered this whole thing and made his views on sexuality what they are today?

    Seems like he has gotten the impression that all gay people will be like that one gay boy, sexually harassing him.

    I agree, you should talk to him and explain exactly how it makes you feel when he says stuff like that or when he shudders and acts super dramatic about it.
    I had a few guy friends through the years that were 'homophobs'. After meeting my dad (who you would never be able to tell was gay unless he told you & is an amazing person) there outlooks changed a little.
    Do you have any gay friends that arent super flamboyant about it? Maybe meeting a gay person that isnt super in his face about it would change his outlook some?

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    Senior Member xNatashax's Avatar
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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    Quote Originally Posted by livingdeadgirl View Post
    I agree, you should talk to him and explain exactly how it makes you feel when he says stuff like that or when he shudders and acts super dramatic about it.
    I had a few guy friends through the years that were 'homophobs'. After meeting my dad (who you would never be able to tell was gay unless he told you & is an amazing person) there outlooks changed a little.
    Do you have any gay friends that arent super flamboyant about it? Maybe meeting a gay person that isnt super in his face about it would change his outlook some?
    Or maybe you could point out some influential musician, actor, writer etc who is gay/bi?

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    You say his family is extremely racist......let me ask a question...is he? I am assuming that he isnt since you didnt mention it.

    Its hard to overcome biases that you were taught since infancy. It takes time. If he has done this with race, it shows you something. He was raised to be a racist and intolerant of those not like him. Now his own experiences with gay people is making it more difficult for him to overcome this particular bias. Doesnt mean he cant. Every time he has one of his reactions, you can use it as a 'teaching moment'. Just a little reminder that not all gay people are like the one who harrassed him.

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    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    I think Joe is "classist" rather than "racist." He doesn't think black people are inferior or anything like that, but he does have a lot of contempt for the lower-class, "ghetto" people in this area who wallow in their own ignorance while trying to act all tough. Not to mention he used to work repo and got to see how a lot of those families choose to live, what with letting their children run around in dirty diapers and animal feces all day while they watch their 60 inch plasma TV from Rent-A-Center. At least half of those ghetto people are white. But I guess he does have a few racist tendencies, though I honestly think they're more habits instilled by his family than anything else...I mean, he has black friends, and I never see or hear him do anything like I've seen genuine racists act.

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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    ^^ I'm glad to hear this (and frankly, I sympathize with him somewhat - I have little patience or sympathy for people who do not do what they would need to remove themselves from poverty...but thats a totally separate topic! lol). It means that he may be able to overcome his biases.

    I would definitely talk to him about this a little more...and consider explaining that it is NOT ok to be uncomfortable with it - that this is actually discrimination, and if he does this in the workplace he could be fired for it. If he does this in any range of public situations, he could be sued or fined...discrimination is illegal! He doesn't seem aware that that is what this is...

    I would also try to introduce him to situations where there are openly gay people around, or on TV to desensitize him to it, to an extent. I think that many people who have this kind of reaction are just shocked because they are not used to it, and seeing more of it will help. There are some great tv shows about gay people that could help him to understand....

    I don't know what it is like where you live (I am lucky enough to live in a very progressive and open-minded city) but are there any gay bars or clubs that are very straight-friendly that you could go to? Maybe show him that stereotypes are false, and also that gay or bi men will not start pestering him for sex!!

    On a side note - how does he feel about gay women, like girl-on-girl porn?
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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    Quote Originally Posted by ManyRoses View Post
    I would definitely talk to him about this a little more...and consider explaining that it is NOT ok to be uncomfortable with it - that this is actually discrimination, and if he does this in the workplace he could be fired for it. If he does this in any range of public situations, he could be sued or fined...discrimination is illegal! He doesn't seem aware that that is what this is...

    On a side note - how does he feel about gay women, like girl-on-girl porn?
    It is OK to be 'uncomfortable' with it.....and that is NOT discrimination. If he is just uncomfortable with it, but doesnt outwardly show it or let it affect his decision making process, i think firemaiden would be fine with it.


    And as for the second part.......there is a pretty big distinction between 'gay women' and 'girl-on-girl porn'

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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    I have a feeling there is more here than being told.. Over reacting shivers, loud about things that don't even affect him.. I think something happen and he might need some help..

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    Default Re: Very Concerned...

    Sorry, let me clarify..being silently uncomfortable isn't discrimination, but being loudly and outwardly "uncomfortable" to the point of shuddering when seeing a gay person IS. If you were in the workplace, and a gay man started talking about his boyfriend (nothing sexy, just the same as you would talk about your partner) and he started shuddering and saying some of the things mentioned in the OP...that would count as discrimination. I agree - if he was silently uncomfortable, I don't think there would be a problem.

    And the reason for asking about girl on girl porn is to try and find a frame of reference for his feelings. It can be a good jumping off point for a discussion to start at one extreme, and move to the other to see at what point he becomes uncomfortable. It may only be gay MEN he has an issue with (I've come across that before) and if he has had a negative experience with a sexually pushy gay man, that may be the root of the issue.

    I'm just trying to think of ways to get it into his mind that it is not ok, and to start a productive discussion.
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