View Poll Results: Would you marry for reasons other than love?

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  • Yes

    10 17.54%
  • No

    23 40.35%
  • Maybe

    20 35.09%
  • I believe in arranged marriages anyway

    0 0%
  • I'll never marry

    6 10.53%
  • I did marry for reasons other than love

    2 3.51%
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Thread: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

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    Default Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    This thread really made me think of this: . Here's something I wrote that made me think of this.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I had a conversation with a friend tonight that really made me think of this. She is 43 and marrying later this year to a 45 never married man. She has told me in the past she never felt butterflies with him. In fact she's still in love with an ex who broke her heart 4 years ago and dated this guy because he wanted what her ex never did (a family). I asked her tonght why she's marrying a man she really doesn't love and she said because of the biological clock. She then told me she thinks that if the one I want never comes back, that I'll do the same thing. She knows I am actively seeking a mate and she feels I'll just take the next guy who wants me, though I may feel nothing.

    The sad thing is she might be right, and I think it kind of makes me understand the op's mentality because many people once they get older tend to settle. I have a guy friend who was desperate to marry and he married within a year a woman who fit what he wanted (a submissive housewife).
    This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I got my heart terribly broken not too long ago and to be honest I don't think I'll ever fall head over heels in love again. However, I still want to be married and have a family so I am considering just finding someone I like if I don't love him. I hope I'll love him, but butterflies in stomach doesn't happen all the time so just marrying someone I like is possible.

    It's not just women who do this either. I have several guy friends who I strongly believe did this. They wanted to be husbands and fathers and found a woman who fit what they wanted. Plus, until quite recently in history most marriages were business transactions. I'm not saying for sure I'd do this, just that my options are open. Perhaps I'll find someone who knocks me off my feet. Perhaps I will be fine never marrying. Perhaps the guy I want will come back. Perhaps none of the above. It's just after reading that particular thread and seeing people I know do it it made me wonder. I've actually heard men are often more desperate to marry than women.

    If anyone did marry for reasons other than love did it last?

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    I answered yes - because as much as I believe in the sanctity of marriage (in the Catholic Church) I also believe there are some circumstances out there where I would marry for something other than love. I don't know exactly what they are, I can't say if I'll ever be put in that situation; but I'm sure one exists.

    Also, about marrying for other reasons than love, and having the relationship last; plenty of people marry FOR love and it doesn't last, I can see why that wouldn't work in the complete opposite. I mean, it's not very romantic, but no reason why it's not possible as long as you get along with the person well and agree on key issues (like politics, finances, morals and child rearing).

    But Kelly - you're not even 40, you have time. I wouldn't think of settling for a love-less soul-mate for at least another 5-7 years. I understand that this isn't something you're planning on going right out and doing right now (as you stated), but don't fret about it quiet yet.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    I answered yes/maybe.
    Like 4ever, I'm sure there are situations where I would marry for things other than love... though I couldn't necessarily name any.
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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    ------
    Last edited by Athenathefabulous; 02-25-2011 at 03:24 AM.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    I picked never.. I would tell my story of why but I'm sick of people trying to pity.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    I married for comfort and was blissfully happy until my ex had a personality transplant 10 yrs later. I never got the whole butterflies "romantic love' thing though. Would I give up 10 yrs of utopia for that? Not a chance in hell. I read trashy novels for that! lol

    That being said, I did miss the butterflies. Badly. Giving that whole thing a go atm. Don't really think I have the ability to fall in love though. I was way to damaged from a past encounter. But I dunno, maybe butterflies + caring is what most non emotionally scarred people consider love? Maybe thinking I'm too broken is just a form of self protection? head hurts when I think about it too much though, so I'm not gonna. lol

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Nope. I was entirely content with the thought of being a single old spinster until I met my husband. Although I suppose our marriage was for something other than love (although we do love each other). Um, health benefits for moi. Guess I lied in the poll a bit. Whoops. I blame the oversight on lack of sleep.

    Other than that, I think we would have just been partners forever. Screw how society would choose to classify us (we've gotten into many an argument with traditionalists about that). But my ring is very pretty.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Very interesting answers and I agree with so many of them. I have known people who married for the various benefits. My one guy friend I am convinced he married because he wanted a large family. I am more of a realist and while the butterflies are nice, in my case those relationships were short lived and mostly about the looks.


    Quote Originally Posted by 4everresolutions View Post
    I answered yes - because as much as I believe in the sanctity of marriage (in the Catholic Church) I also believe there are some circumstances out there where I would marry for something other than love. I don't know exactly what they are, I can't say if I'll ever be put in that situation; but I'm sure one exists.

    Also, about marrying for other reasons than love, and having the relationship last; plenty of people marry FOR love and it doesn't last, I can see why that wouldn't work in the complete opposite. I mean, it's not very romantic, but no reason why it's not possible as long as you get along with the person well and agree on key issues (like politics, finances, morals and child rearing).

    But Kelly - you're not even 40, you have time. I wouldn't think of settling for a love-less soul-mate for at least another 5-7 years. I understand that this isn't something you're planning on going right out and doing right now (as you stated), but don't fret about it quiet yet.
    I sort of am only because of the biological clock and the idea that I want a never married childless man. I know I've got several years for both (and am fine not having kids or adopting if it comes down to that).

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    If your friend is 43, I wouldn't be surprised if her biological clock has already.... ummm.. ticked itself out. :-(

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    I said no, but there are a couple of clarifiers that I would like to add to that answer.

    First and foremost, I don't necessarily think that butterflies mean love. I am absolutely, heart-whole in love with my boyfriend, but never really had "butterflies". Instead, it was like meeting a friend (a very sexy friend that I love to fuck!), and then feeling like they have always been in my life, and as though we have been together forever. The whole thing was simple, straightforward, and absolutely drama/nervousness/trembly-excitement-free...I wonder sometimes if the search for "butterflies" sometimes blinds people to someone that they could love in a calmer way...

    Other than that, I would worry about the emotional impact of marrying someone when you are still grieving over a broken heart. It can take such a long time to heal from bad relationships (or good relationships that ended!!) and I know that when you are healing, even well into the healing, it can feel like you will never love again (when I had my really bad break, it took over a year before I was even vaguely attracted to a man again). I would hope that eventually you would heal enough that you could love again, and then if you were married to someone, you would have to either stay unhappily, or leave, most likely hurting your husband, both families, any children, etc etc...It also would seem selfish to the person that you are marrying - I would be destroyed if I found out that the person I love was just satisfied with me as a mother, and didn't love me too...

    The one exception that I would make to the "no" answer is in situations where both parties have agreed on marriage for practical reasons - marrying for a visa would be one of those (though pretty risky!) as would marrying for monetary gain (to gain access to a trust fund, will etc where the money is held until the recipient is wed) etc. I can't think of many situations where this would apply, but if it did, and there was no chance of hurting the people involved, why not?

    Finally - if your clock is ticking...have you considered adoption or sperm donation to have a child on your own while you hold out for that love of your life? I would hope beyond hope that you can heal from your past relationship and find someone that loves you and treats you well, and I hope you can be optimistic about the possibility....don't give up totally on love!! I'm sure you would be a wonderful wife and mother, but don't forget that you can do one without the other, and not settle on either...
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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica1001 View Post
    If your friend is 43, I wouldn't be surprised if her biological clock has already.... ummm.. ticked itself out. :-(
    Not always, that's a myth. The average clock starts winding down around 45 or so. The average start of menopause is 51 and periomenopause starts about 5 years earlier but women can still get pregnant then. She can still have babies her doctor said.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    I've never found it " all " in one person. I'm not sure what ID do since it hasn't come down to anything yet. I've heard of women that have done it. I have a good friend in her 60s who said she didn't even want to Marry but wanted children . She fell in love after a year or two of being married / having her first son. It didn't work long term but it worked 25-30 years.
    I could see myself Potentially marrying for security actually though. I'm getting all kind of terrified about living month to month practically and after getting sick repeatedly .. I'm not feeling so young and free wheeling anymore.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Quote Originally Posted by ManyRoses View Post
    I said no, but there are a couple of clarifiers that I would like to add to that answer.

    First and foremost, I don't necessarily think that butterflies mean love. I am absolutely, heart-whole in love with my boyfriend, but never really had "butterflies". Instead, it was like meeting a friend (a very sexy friend that I love to fuck!), and then feeling like they have always been in my life, and as though we have been together forever. The whole thing was simple, straightforward, and absolutely drama/nervousness/trembly-excitement-free...I wonder sometimes if the search for "butterflies" sometimes blinds people to someone that they could love in a calmer way...

    Other than that, I would worry about the emotional impact of marrying someone when you are still grieving over a broken heart. It can take such a long time to heal from bad relationships (or good relationships that ended!!) and I know that when you are healing, even well into the healing, it can feel like you will never love again (when I had my really bad break, it took over a year before I was even vaguely attracted to a man again). I would hope that eventually you would heal enough that you could love again, and then if you were married to someone, you would have to either stay unhappily, or leave, most likely hurting your husband, both families, any children, etc etc...It also would seem selfish to the person that you are marrying - I would be destroyed if I found out that the person I love was just satisfied with me as a mother, and didn't love me too...

    The one exception that I would make to the "no" answer is in situations where both parties have agreed on marriage for practical reasons - marrying for a visa would be one of those (though pretty risky!) as would marrying for monetary gain (to gain access to a trust fund, will etc where the money is held until the recipient is wed) etc. I can't think of many situations where this would apply, but if it did, and there was no chance of hurting the people involved, why not?

    Finally - if your clock is ticking...have you considered adoption or sperm donation to have a child on your own while you hold out for that love of your life? I would hope beyond hope that you can heal from your past relationship and find someone that loves you and treats you well, and I hope you can be optimistic about the possibility....don't give up totally on love!! I'm sure you would be a wonderful wife and mother, but don't forget that you can do one without the other, and not settle on either...
    I'm not marrying anyone in the near future, just looking. I think in time I'll find someone better than him. I think my friend is wrong for doing this but in a way I understand. They both want a family and she refuses to be a single mom. I know for me personally I have considered adoption because there are many kids who need homes (I wouldn't adopt a baby as a single women).

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    ^^^out of interest (and you don't have to answer if you don't want) why wouldn't you adopt as a single woman?

    And I absolutely believe that you will find someone who is perfect for you, and he'll just be a story from your past!
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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Quote Originally Posted by ManyRoses View Post
    ^^^out of interest (and you don't have to answer if you don't want) why wouldn't you adopt as a single woman?

    And I absolutely believe that you will find someone who is perfect for you, and he'll just be a story from your past!
    I'd adopt, just not a baby. The reason being that I don't think I could handle a baby while working on my own. Besides, most adoption agencies generally like to place babies with married parents and there are shortages of babies but not kids.

    Thanks, I think he will be too. I'm starting to see he was a bad choice to begin with and if he comes back I am not going to take him back unless he changes. He's got too many red flags which is likely why we never got serious before (mama's boy, obsessed with video games, sexually repressed, etc).

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I'd adopt, just not a baby. The reason being that I don't think I could handle a baby while working on my own. Besides, most adoption agencies generally like to place babies with married parents and there are shortages of babies but not kids.

    Thanks, I think he will be too. I'm starting to see he was a bad choice to begin with and if he comes back I am not going to take him back unless he changes. He's got too many red flags which is likely why we never got serious before (mama's boy, obsessed with video games, sexually repressed, etc).
    Ah - that makes a lot of sense! I intend to adopt (in the future) and am very much on the fence between adopting a baby and a child. I would love to have the experience of having a baby - the first words, first steps, etc, and would also really like to know that my child is getting the best nutrition and upbringing from birth (or almost birth). But then I wonder if that is selfish of me, and if it would be better to adopt a child. I know that babies are more in demand, and that if everyone just adopted babies, then there would be a huge number of abandoned children growing up without a family, and that breaks my heart. It is such a hard decision! I have a friend who is a foster parent, and I think that I would love to foster before I adopt, and maybe after too..

    Doesn't it drive you nuts when you fall for guys in spite of all the red flags? Ugh...There's definitely a few in my past that had red flags from the beginning, and I was intentionally color blind! So proud of you for moving forward!
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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    I wish I had seen the red flags but was blinded because he seemed to have my same values and interests. I was so sure he was the one though he got flakey right away. Then I took him back again sort of after he was nasty the first time. This time I called him, sent him a nice email message, and a Christmas card and no response. He didn't even call me on my birthday or even send me a Facebook greeting (he was on Facebook a day before my birthday).

    I've considered fostering as well. I think it's wonderful and in Illinois there are many foster kids.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    Not always, that's a myth. The average clock starts winding down around 45 or so. The average start of menopause is 51 and periomenopause starts about 5 years earlier but women can still get pregnant then. She can still have babies her doctor said.

    With all due respect, the average 'clock' does not START to wind down around age 45.... it begins much earlier. I assume her doctor means she still has a good chance of achieving a healthy pregnancy.... with the use of IVF and a donor egg? A normal pregnancy after age 43 without the use of reproductive technologies is exceedingly rare.

    I wish your friend the best of luck, though.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post

    I've considered fostering as well. I think it's wonderful and in Illinois there are many foster kids.
    One caution on adopting/fostering as a single parent. The parenting gig takes an enormous amount of energy, physical and emotional. I had both my kids with my ex before I was 28, and yet it thoroughly drained me. (This could also have been because I was married to the wrong lady. ) Just something to consider before you embark on a solo mommy career.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    All I can say is thankfully you are out of it now...and its always a chance to grow (as horribly cheesy as that sounds!). I firmly believe that everything does happen for a reason.

    I have such respect for foster parents - I have seen my friend take on so many kids that are screwed up from being in the system for so long, and give them so much love and kindness, and really help them out. It is so inspiring to see, and I would love to be able to do the same. (And a small, selfish part of me actually likes the idea of short-term parenting...rewards of helping kids without a lifetime commitment...it sounds awful, I know, but I would rather become a foster parent and find that I was unable to handle it, and then choose not to have children, than have a baby and find that I couldn't handle it and be a bad parent..)
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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessica1001 View Post
    With all due respect, the average 'clock' does not START to wind down around age 45.... it begins much earlier. I assume her doctor means she still has a good chance of achieving a healthy pregnancy.... with the use of IVF and a donor egg? A normal pregnancy after age 43 without the use of reproductive technologies is exceedingly rare.

    I wish your friend the best of luck, though.
    No, a normal pregnancy. I'm sure her DOCTOR (who had a baby at 45) knows about these things.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Guys have the same issues. More of my guy friends than not said that they wanted to start a family before they got too old and they didn't have any other or any better prospects. Many also said they wanted to change their single lifestyle. Of my buddies who have been divorced, most of them married thinking they were in true love and their wives later wandered and broke up the marriage. Ive never married, but my vote is maybe. The older one gets the more pragmatic.

    My grandfather had no prospects here and was sent a much younger bride from his home town in europe that he had never met. They had 6 kids, I wonder what she truely felt throughout her marriage.

    Its probably a question for a new thread, but I wonder how many spouses know their mates true feelings for them and their reasons for wanting the marriage.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    The people in general I knew who were desperate were in fact men, which I found odd. Even the man that I wanted moved 1000 miles to marry someone he never met because he was desperate for a family. I've seen this attitude a lot doing online seeing men state they want to marry. Pretty interesting because we always hear women are desperate but I've seen far more men.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Sure, sometimes you need health insurance.

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    Default Re: Would you marry someone you didn't love?

    Quote Originally Posted by ManyRoses View Post
    I said no, but there are a couple of clarifiers that I would like to add to that answer.

    First and foremost, I don't necessarily think that butterflies mean love. I am absolutely, heart-whole in love with my boyfriend, but never really had "butterflies". Instead, it was like meeting a friend (a very sexy friend that I love to fuck!), and then feeling like they have always been in my life, and as though we have been together forever. The whole thing was simple, straightforward, and absolutely drama/nervousness/trembly-excitement-free...I wonder sometimes if the search for "butterflies" sometimes blinds people to someone that they could love in a calmer way...

    Agree x3659827346!









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