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Thread: 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

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    Featured Member Jessica1001's Avatar
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    Default 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

    Hey guys....

    This isn't about anyone particularly close to me, but I thought I'd get some opinions on this sort of thing in general, since this forum is probably full of girls whose parents at one time or another were ripping their hair out in despair. ;-)

    I was on the phone with my aunt today... she lives in Eastern Europe with the rest of the extended fam. It appears that one of my cousins has a 16 yr old daughter who has always been on the straight-and-narrow (good grades, polite, attends church with the family... blah blah...), but has very recently started to act in a way that has the whole household in turmoil. Apparently she has 'fallen in with a bad crowd', and has started to come home at ungodly hours of the morning, dressing 'promiscuously', and her grades are going to the shitter.

    Her mom and dad are at their wits' end, and have no idea what to do to reign in their 'wild' daughter. I THINK they suspect their daughter might be starting to experiment sexually... drugs MAY be involved (it wouldn't be anything much harder than pot... other stuff is pretty hard to come by in our little Eastern European country, especially among 16 yr olds), but I have no way of confirming this.

    What would YOU tell the mom and dad to do?

    Get super-strict, lay down the law, enforce curfews, severely punish bad behavour, accept no backtalk, etc?

    or...

    Realize it's just a normal part of being a teen girl, try to keep the lines of communication open, and hope the phase passes?

    Or maybe you have some different advice?

    I would take the second approach.... rebellion is a part of every teen's life, and an overreaction on the part of mom and dad can make things WORSE. I'd just be very careful to make sure she knows how to prevent the types of mistakes that can affect her life forever (getting pregnant - abortion is illegal there, catching HIV, etc).

    What would YOU say to the parents? How should they deal with their newly rebellious teen?

    Thx in advance for your replies!!! Anecdotes from your OWN experience (eg. What YOUR parents did right/wrong are much appreciated!!!)

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    Featured Member sananeko's Avatar
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    Default Re: 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

    Well it depends.. were the parents the one pushing for those good grades and such? If so I would let it be.. I have family in weird places but I always tell them that they can always call me if they need help.. Mind its not getting them out of jail.. She might just want some freedom or maybe if the parents never paid attention even when she was getting good grades she might of just said to hell with it.

    If You want some better answers you have to tell us what the parents are like also cause no story has one side.

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    Featured Member Spinnerette's Avatar
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    Default Re: 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

    There really isn't a one-size fits all approach to handling a rebellious teen. Some do well with more rules, others do best with having their freedoms opened even more. I was one of those teens that responded to the latter. My mum backed off and let me do what I wanted, I did what I wanted, and check me out...I'm still alive, sober, and a somewhat responsible adult to boot. Most of my rebellion was born out of being told I couldn't do certain things and being pegged as someone straight-laced and goody goody (why is that a bad thing?). The moment that stopped was the moment certain things lost their mysterious pull.

    I want to say that they should back off, but then I know full well that I'm a lucky sort to even still be here let alone with no criminal record, debilitating addiction, etc. They should absolutely let her know that if she ever needs to talk that they're available to listen though as there's nothing to gain by locking her down or ignoring her "needs".

    I'm no expert at all though. -___-;;;

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    Featured Member Jessica1001's Avatar
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    Default Re: 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

    Quote Originally Posted by sananeko View Post
    Well it depends.. were the parents the one pushing for those good grades and such? If so I would let it be.. I have family in weird places but I always tell them that they can always call me if they need help.. Mind its not getting them out of jail.. She might just want some freedom or maybe if the parents never paid attention even when she was getting good grades she might of just said to hell with it.

    If You want some better answers you have to tell us what the parents are like also cause no story has one side.
    The parents are 'good parents'... Married, conservative, Catholic, good home, don't fight.... mom had breast cancer at a VERY early age (31?) so that took a lot out of her, but they have always strived to communicate openly with their kids (their other daughter is... six, I think?), the kids were raised 'gently', as in.... no spanking, open and honest communication was fostered, etc.

    Mom and dad live with the 2 daughters in a house they share with maternal grandma and until recently, grandpa. He passed away about a year ago. Not sure if that matters.

    Thx so far! keep it coming!

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    Default Re: 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

    I think that they need to communicate with her like an adult - if she wishes to act like an adult, she should see the logic behind this. This would mean sitting her down and having a conversation with her about consideration and common sense.

    The big thing to worry about is grades - i wonder how this girl would respond to the idea that they have a good reason to be concerned about grades, and suggest that she can go out (even with these new "bad crowd" friends) on weekends if she maintains a grade average of B or above (or % equivalent), and stays in on certain weeknights. I would also suggest cutting a "deal" with her to have dinner with her parents once of twice a week to keep her in the family circle.

    The other thing that I would make clear with her is the adult responsibility of communication and consideration. That if she is going out, she should let them know what time she intends to be home so they do not worry (if she has a cell phone, I don't think she would respond to well to being asked for where and who she is going out with), and that if she is going to be later (traffic, etc) then she should call and let them know. If they stress that this is not because they do not trust her, but because this is adult behavior, she should respond fairly well.

    I think that treating her like an adult might reduce the amount that she needs to PROVE that she is an adult, and it keeps her on track for grades, which could really affect her future. It also shows her a little respect, and even if her behavior is not warranting that respect, it makes her more likely to open up to her parents in the long run..
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    Default Re: 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

    Quote Originally Posted by ManyRoses View Post
    I think that they need to communicate with her like an adult - if she wishes to act like an adult, she should see the logic behind this. This would mean sitting her down and having a conversation with her about consideration and common sense.

    The big thing to worry about is grades - i wonder how this girl would respond to the idea that they have a good reason to be concerned about grades, and suggest that she can go out (even with these new "bad crowd" friends) on weekends if she maintains a grade average of B or above (or % equivalent), and stays in on certain weeknights. I would also suggest cutting a "deal" with her to have dinner with her parents once of twice a week to keep her in the family circle.

    The other thing that I would make clear with her is the adult responsibility of communication and consideration. That if she is going out, she should let them know what time she intends to be home so they do not worry (if she has a cell phone, I don't think she would respond to well to being asked for where and who she is going out with), and that if she is going to be later (traffic, etc) then she should call and let them know. If they stress that this is not because they do not trust her, but because this is adult behavior, she should respond fairly well.

    I think that treating her like an adult might reduce the amount that she needs to PROVE that she is an adult, and it keeps her on track for grades, which could really affect her future. It also shows her a little respect, and even if her behavior is not warranting that respect, it makes her more likely to open up to her parents in the long run..
    I have a feeling that might make her run more wild.. I can't put a read on her cause shes not talking to me but.. i feel she knows what shes doing but is trying to make it look worst than it is. She acting out for a reason and i don't think talking will solve it..

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    Default Re: 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

    ^^^ Its really hard to tell without knowing the girl or the whole situation...I feel like as a general approach, this is maybe a compromise between just letting her go nuts and clamping down so hard she is sneaking out the window to do meth!

    Its a good point that you brought up that there is probably a reason behind it...but I would have no idea how to find that out! I remember when I was acting out as a teenager, it was because I was dealing with sexual assault and booze and drugs helped numb me...but I'm not sure I would have told anyone no matter how they asked!!
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    Default Re: 16yr old girl starting to rebel: How would you advise the parents?

    I never had my acting out stage.. I was always trying to do my best even tho I was never helped or treated with respect and if I wanted to talk it was only to a wall or a cat cause no one would care.. I wish I had that stage.. I might not be so angry and feeling like being good to my body and to others is a waste of time..

    I say wait alittle more.. But she needs to know that if she ever gets in trouble she can always call. They only think she is doing drug and being sexually active.. How? Are they finding drugs and condoms in her room or is she doing it in front of them.. And finding it in the room doesn't mean she doing it.. she might be leaving them to be found.

    As for her grades, I would first go to the school. Is she acting out there? She might be dumbing herself down.. No matter where you go the good girls get alot of shit from kids and alot of pressure from adults.. She might be trying to be cool or not wanting to be picked on anymore. Also.. in school... she might be getting good grades but how good? Would she had a chance in a great school? Or are her grades good but average..

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